RSS Feed (xml)
I went for my Grandma's birthday celebration this evening. Can't help but notice the absence of some of my uncles, aunties and cousins..has life gotten that busy for them to actually miss ah ma's b'day..haiz...
My Ah Ma is 76 le, a very strong woman,someone whom I not only respect a lot but also shares a special bond with. She went through so much, raising 6 daughters and 3 sons singlehandedly, still selling the same vegetables, bean sprouts, mee,etc,etc today(even when she can retire le) and still worrying about her children and her grandchildren. I would like to think that I have not given her any reason to worry about me, but I am not so foolish to even contemplate that thought.....
I am her favorite grandchild. As the son of her eldest son and also the eldest grandson, I guess this comes as no surprise. I must be that first special bundle of joy. And I remembered she did spoil me a lot. What I can't get from my parents, I got from her. I don't have any figment of memory of her scolding me but only how she rub away my tears, be there for me,siding with me even when I'm wrong and I guess, just the sight of her calms me, sometimes, perhaps even more than the presence of my parents. She doesn't have to say that she loves me, I can feel it, geniune, altruistic love that she has for every one of her children and her grandchildren....
Maybe that's why the absence of these aunties,uncles and cousins was quite poignant for me. I have never missed Ah Ma's birthday and I made a promise to myself today that I will try my very best to attend Ah Ma's birthday as much as circumstances allow me to. For what can be more important than the birthday of my dearest ah ma(maybe, a mission in the name of national security is one such matter though :p-haha, think too much le).
Ah Ma, I know its not in our family tradition to say this and I don't think you will ever hear this from me in person or been able to read this blog entry,but I just wanted to say,
I love you. Happy Birthday :)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
tagged
I got tagged by Yixian. So, I shall be nice and not disappoint her.
Rules: Each player of the game starts off by writing 6 weird things about themselves before choosing another 6 of their friends to "sabo". People who get tagged needs to write in a blog on their own, 6 weird things about themselves and state the rules clearly.
1. I have a fetish for NAZI history. So much so that, I think I will make a good NAZI historian. :p
2. I'm a pragmatic realist when I deal with mundane matters, yet a hopeless idealist when it is issues concerning matters of the heart.
3. I listen to Christian songs and read the bible when I'm really down. Yet, I do not see myself becoming a christian anytime soon. Possibly this may be due to me not wanting to become a christian in a time when I need external, divine help. I will only become a christian when I can turn to God in a position of strength. Sounds weird enough? I think so too...
4. I am usually chatty and affable yet, my vocabulary and grammar may disappear when I meet someone I like. Hmm.....
5. People say I am a sadist. Perhaps, I see the rationale for pain. Pain makes you appreciate things more. Scars on the other hand is a totally different thing...
6. I am indeed a bundle of contradictions. now, that's weird isn't it? :p
Okie, I won't tag anyone. And, friends reading this, try not to tag me too. Don't exactly like doing tags. :p
Rules: Each player of the game starts off by writing 6 weird things about themselves before choosing another 6 of their friends to "sabo". People who get tagged needs to write in a blog on their own, 6 weird things about themselves and state the rules clearly.
1. I have a fetish for NAZI history. So much so that, I think I will make a good NAZI historian. :p
2. I'm a pragmatic realist when I deal with mundane matters, yet a hopeless idealist when it is issues concerning matters of the heart.
3. I listen to Christian songs and read the bible when I'm really down. Yet, I do not see myself becoming a christian anytime soon. Possibly this may be due to me not wanting to become a christian in a time when I need external, divine help. I will only become a christian when I can turn to God in a position of strength. Sounds weird enough? I think so too...
4. I am usually chatty and affable yet, my vocabulary and grammar may disappear when I meet someone I like. Hmm.....
5. People say I am a sadist. Perhaps, I see the rationale for pain. Pain makes you appreciate things more. Scars on the other hand is a totally different thing...
6. I am indeed a bundle of contradictions. now, that's weird isn't it? :p
Okie, I won't tag anyone. And, friends reading this, try not to tag me too. Don't exactly like doing tags. :p
Monday, September 10, 2007
sunshine
Its a bit ironic that I use the term sunshine to describe my feelings today. Considering that I had a 9am class on a rainy morning coupled with a minimum of 2 hours of sleep(my warped clock, tsk), the signs for a monday blues seem both ominious and imminent. However, this turned out to be my best monday for weeks.
Its amazing how little things in life can bring you so much joy. A simple sms from someone special just filled my heart with warmth that the cold weather cannot override. Though, I won't make the mistake of reading too much into it, as there are too much uncertainties le, but I'm really happy. And, sometimes, moments of happiness like this are not meant to be rationally deconstructed.
And my best friend, Andrew who went M.I.A.-ing in KL with his work, work, work is finally online for the longest time ever(ok, i may be exaggerating, but hey, a month is a long time for me with regards to him, bleahz). I got to catch up with him again, hearing that he's doing fine, rocks. Telling him I miss him and knowing that he miss me too just make the day perfect. And, yes, my graduation day is far far away, but he already promised he will try his best to take leave from his work to come for it. How sweet! Shucks, I sound so gay, but if there is anyone in this world who's indispensible to me at this moment(with the exception of my family), its him. 11 yrs of friendship and counting.
School took a turn for the better too. I have managed to take it easier le. And with my filtering mechanism turned on to filter analysis from crap and my decision to switch off at crap at intervals and start drawing things on my notebook, I felt so much more at ease. What's more, there are still instances in classes that I will feel the need to speak up and actually enjoy doing that, taking a stand, speaking from a position of strength and even just some lighthearted talk. haha, its actually amazing to me how once you identify a problem, you can actually remedy it so soon.
After four weeks of school, there's actually an interesting presentation! The third presenter, Ying Shi for regional security seminar captured my attention for her whole presentation and the q n a session. She did the unimaginable thing........trying to sell a grand theory. Whole-ly unconventional and quite original indeed. Not the regular staple that my peers have dished out so far(and what I might possibly do too). A pity that her grand theory has many flaws in it that probably the majority of the class(sadly, including me) could not really buy it. The usual refrains from the ps cohort have to come into factor again, using established theoretical construct, questioning the argument with the other side of the coin and basically trying to bash something original. Sighz, must our minds really be so closed, I kinda wonder. I am seriously hoping that she can iron out the limitations of her argument and polish that raw gem into a diamond. For, originality and boldness in her argument did capture my attention. For whatever the limitations of the points in her presentation, that was a really interesting viewpoint. Her presentation brought semblances of the criticisms levelled towards Grand theorists such as Huntington(Clash of Civilization thesis) and Mackinder(Heartland theory).
What a great way to start the week! Going gym-ing tommorow too. :)
Its amazing how little things in life can bring you so much joy. A simple sms from someone special just filled my heart with warmth that the cold weather cannot override. Though, I won't make the mistake of reading too much into it, as there are too much uncertainties le, but I'm really happy. And, sometimes, moments of happiness like this are not meant to be rationally deconstructed.
And my best friend, Andrew who went M.I.A.-ing in KL with his work, work, work is finally online for the longest time ever(ok, i may be exaggerating, but hey, a month is a long time for me with regards to him, bleahz). I got to catch up with him again, hearing that he's doing fine, rocks. Telling him I miss him and knowing that he miss me too just make the day perfect. And, yes, my graduation day is far far away, but he already promised he will try his best to take leave from his work to come for it. How sweet! Shucks, I sound so gay, but if there is anyone in this world who's indispensible to me at this moment(with the exception of my family), its him. 11 yrs of friendship and counting.
School took a turn for the better too. I have managed to take it easier le. And with my filtering mechanism turned on to filter analysis from crap and my decision to switch off at crap at intervals and start drawing things on my notebook, I felt so much more at ease. What's more, there are still instances in classes that I will feel the need to speak up and actually enjoy doing that, taking a stand, speaking from a position of strength and even just some lighthearted talk. haha, its actually amazing to me how once you identify a problem, you can actually remedy it so soon.
After four weeks of school, there's actually an interesting presentation! The third presenter, Ying Shi for regional security seminar captured my attention for her whole presentation and the q n a session. She did the unimaginable thing........trying to sell a grand theory. Whole-ly unconventional and quite original indeed. Not the regular staple that my peers have dished out so far(and what I might possibly do too). A pity that her grand theory has many flaws in it that probably the majority of the class(sadly, including me) could not really buy it. The usual refrains from the ps cohort have to come into factor again, using established theoretical construct, questioning the argument with the other side of the coin and basically trying to bash something original. Sighz, must our minds really be so closed, I kinda wonder. I am seriously hoping that she can iron out the limitations of her argument and polish that raw gem into a diamond. For, originality and boldness in her argument did capture my attention. For whatever the limitations of the points in her presentation, that was a really interesting viewpoint. Her presentation brought semblances of the criticisms levelled towards Grand theorists such as Huntington(Clash of Civilization thesis) and Mackinder(Heartland theory).
What a great way to start the week! Going gym-ing tommorow too. :)
Thursday, September 06, 2007
ranting, just ranting
* What lies ahead is an incoherent ranting that does not make for easy reading.
Its 5am again. It seems like this is my favorite timing to pen some of my thoughts. Maybe, the inner turmoil that I have been going through for the past few weeks dies down at around this timing of the day. The last lap of the nite, the break of dawn nears, the sun rises and a whole new day begins. This daily occurances do amaze me, this is one of the most amazing things in life. To be able to experience this on a daily basis should suffice....no?
Fatma told me again and again, 'Life is as complicated as I made it out to be.', I'm starting to visualize this point more and more. Why do I have the tendency to complicate life itself? Life can be just simple, cant it? Yet, I feel that the complexies of life will haunt me, has haunted me since eons ago. I might have just lost that childlike innocence that Blake keeps preaching about. He's right, childlike innocence once lost, can never be recovered. Or am I still stubbornly clinging on to one part of me that remains as a child and yet can't reconcile that with my own rational thinking. For thinking with the brain is a whole different matter from thinking with the heart, maybe one should apply rationality to everything. Maybe one should exercise caution and discretion when doing anything and everything. Yet, deep down, I know I dont want that part to be lost, I want to be irrational at times, I want to be able to feel. I try my hardest to be desensitized, very hard, because I just can't look at the world and only see its bad points. I tear at movies, often silently with noone even noticing, autobiographies during times of wars and chaos, others misfortunes..yet I know there is only so much stuff that I can receive from the dark side. People are dying as and when I'm typing this blog entry or when you are reading this..yet I remained obsessed with the myopic picture of me, myself and my problems. Sometimes, I find that very ironic, isn't it already a blessing that I am alive... I remembered telling wan ting, that I can't change the world, I'm just an ordinary man, but she told me something along the lines, that you can, as long as you made a difference in another person's life and you did make a difference in mine. And so, what are some of my self-reflections of my small, negligible problems in life?
I feel like a rubber band, stretched and stretched and stretched until it snapped without me knowing. It has snapped, I realised, the outburst that happened was not just a one-off thing, its more of a long term building up process. I realised that my efforts(which is a hell lot) is not exactly bringing me that intellectual fulfilment that I am looking for. That sense of assurance, that comfortability and that ease has gone missing. I'm confused, I'm feeling an additional, unnecessary weight of stress and burden that seems to have no outlet for release. Even after completing like 200over pages of readings for one topic, my brain signals to me, there's so much more to know, this is the tip of the iceberg, you still have no access to the whole picture and this is starting to frighten me....yet, my bias towards the readings of some modules over another have left me in a precarious position that I'm far behind in readings for others. I simply do not have the time for my studies(which I value a lot) and my social life(heavily circumscribed le)....
That unnecessary pressure also arose from that excessive pride of mine. People who know me well knows that this is my biggest merit and my biggest flaw. My dream has ended, but the bruised ego remains brusied. Its like crying out for attention, asking me to soothe it, to make it feel better. To bring it the success that it craves and that means tangible results, grades in this instance. For the bruised ego insists that not meeting my own potential(however, overrated this concept is) is bad enough, to continue to underperform is even a worse sin. Coupled with that almost mythical belief in my own ability to perform, to get that A grade that I craves, this just feels like a double whammy, making failure seems like an unthinkable thing, making mediocrity appears as a non-option.
But it is just so contradictory, this kind of unnecessary, counterproductive and incessant pressure has clouded my analytical skills,made writer's blocks seems more certain, made the formulation of ideas tough and made absorption difficult, it has even affected my motivation level. I am grappling with it at the moment, trying to make life easier again for things will be much easier when you are not obsessed with something and allows you to take a step back and see things in a different light.
And no, I'm not like just fighting a war on one front, its actually two fronts. Isnt that the worst senarios that every warlord, every leaders of the nations fears? The fear of encirclement, the fear of entrapment and of course the fear of defeat.
My irrational, emotional self took a hit today. It hurts, but I guess the hurt is good. For if you don't suffer pain, how would you know what is joy? It serves as an awakening. I shall cease to care as much as my heart wants me to. Inadvertantly, I'm actually causing that person some unnecessary troubles. It puts a drain on me too, needing to take time off other kinds of worries that is actually bothering me. I felt dispensible...maybe I am not dispensible, but that feeling sure did strike me and perhaps I am dispensible. I guess, fading into oblivion seems a viable alternative isn't it, for there's no point in caring so much and making life tough for myself. I shall keep myself preoocupied with all the stuff that I have on hand now. Haiz...
What a long entry, blogging does have its therapeutic effects. I guess, in this journey in life, there are times when people will fall by the sidelines, needing a reality check and just some time to clear their thoughts.
Its 5am again. It seems like this is my favorite timing to pen some of my thoughts. Maybe, the inner turmoil that I have been going through for the past few weeks dies down at around this timing of the day. The last lap of the nite, the break of dawn nears, the sun rises and a whole new day begins. This daily occurances do amaze me, this is one of the most amazing things in life. To be able to experience this on a daily basis should suffice....no?
Fatma told me again and again, 'Life is as complicated as I made it out to be.', I'm starting to visualize this point more and more. Why do I have the tendency to complicate life itself? Life can be just simple, cant it? Yet, I feel that the complexies of life will haunt me, has haunted me since eons ago. I might have just lost that childlike innocence that Blake keeps preaching about. He's right, childlike innocence once lost, can never be recovered. Or am I still stubbornly clinging on to one part of me that remains as a child and yet can't reconcile that with my own rational thinking. For thinking with the brain is a whole different matter from thinking with the heart, maybe one should apply rationality to everything. Maybe one should exercise caution and discretion when doing anything and everything. Yet, deep down, I know I dont want that part to be lost, I want to be irrational at times, I want to be able to feel. I try my hardest to be desensitized, very hard, because I just can't look at the world and only see its bad points. I tear at movies, often silently with noone even noticing, autobiographies during times of wars and chaos, others misfortunes..yet I know there is only so much stuff that I can receive from the dark side. People are dying as and when I'm typing this blog entry or when you are reading this..yet I remained obsessed with the myopic picture of me, myself and my problems. Sometimes, I find that very ironic, isn't it already a blessing that I am alive... I remembered telling wan ting, that I can't change the world, I'm just an ordinary man, but she told me something along the lines, that you can, as long as you made a difference in another person's life and you did make a difference in mine. And so, what are some of my self-reflections of my small, negligible problems in life?
I feel like a rubber band, stretched and stretched and stretched until it snapped without me knowing. It has snapped, I realised, the outburst that happened was not just a one-off thing, its more of a long term building up process. I realised that my efforts(which is a hell lot) is not exactly bringing me that intellectual fulfilment that I am looking for. That sense of assurance, that comfortability and that ease has gone missing. I'm confused, I'm feeling an additional, unnecessary weight of stress and burden that seems to have no outlet for release. Even after completing like 200over pages of readings for one topic, my brain signals to me, there's so much more to know, this is the tip of the iceberg, you still have no access to the whole picture and this is starting to frighten me....yet, my bias towards the readings of some modules over another have left me in a precarious position that I'm far behind in readings for others. I simply do not have the time for my studies(which I value a lot) and my social life(heavily circumscribed le)....
That unnecessary pressure also arose from that excessive pride of mine. People who know me well knows that this is my biggest merit and my biggest flaw. My dream has ended, but the bruised ego remains brusied. Its like crying out for attention, asking me to soothe it, to make it feel better. To bring it the success that it craves and that means tangible results, grades in this instance. For the bruised ego insists that not meeting my own potential(however, overrated this concept is) is bad enough, to continue to underperform is even a worse sin. Coupled with that almost mythical belief in my own ability to perform, to get that A grade that I craves, this just feels like a double whammy, making failure seems like an unthinkable thing, making mediocrity appears as a non-option.
But it is just so contradictory, this kind of unnecessary, counterproductive and incessant pressure has clouded my analytical skills,made writer's blocks seems more certain, made the formulation of ideas tough and made absorption difficult, it has even affected my motivation level. I am grappling with it at the moment, trying to make life easier again for things will be much easier when you are not obsessed with something and allows you to take a step back and see things in a different light.
And no, I'm not like just fighting a war on one front, its actually two fronts. Isnt that the worst senarios that every warlord, every leaders of the nations fears? The fear of encirclement, the fear of entrapment and of course the fear of defeat.
My irrational, emotional self took a hit today. It hurts, but I guess the hurt is good. For if you don't suffer pain, how would you know what is joy? It serves as an awakening. I shall cease to care as much as my heart wants me to. Inadvertantly, I'm actually causing that person some unnecessary troubles. It puts a drain on me too, needing to take time off other kinds of worries that is actually bothering me. I felt dispensible...maybe I am not dispensible, but that feeling sure did strike me and perhaps I am dispensible. I guess, fading into oblivion seems a viable alternative isn't it, for there's no point in caring so much and making life tough for myself. I shall keep myself preoocupied with all the stuff that I have on hand now. Haiz...
What a long entry, blogging does have its therapeutic effects. I guess, in this journey in life, there are times when people will fall by the sidelines, needing a reality check and just some time to clear their thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)