I'm an owl.

I'm an owl,in fact sometimes, I feel I'm a vampire..most active at night and quite lethargic in the afternoon..for the past week..I have slept mostly at the break of dawn,6 plus am or slightly earlier but today, I finally went beyond..typing this blog entry at 8.40am, I am finally feeling tired,going to sleep b4 9am..pretty satisfied with the mugging done today..finally met the optimal level of mugging required in this code red period..must maintain this later when I wake up.

I'm actually in gd mood today,knowing that she finished her exams and thus going to enjoy her holidays have quite an uplifting feeling on me..furthermore..had a really happy 1 hour chat with her just now..and listening to the 2 songs she sent to me via e-mail now..I don't understand why..I really like the songs she like..its weird..is it because she have gd taste in music or is it becos I like her..oh well..at least I'm happy.

A friend mention that flirting is a game and make a brillant analogy with fishing..and that sets my mind going..why am I so willing to be a fish..perhaps..when you really like someone..you lose that bit of rational thinking and sometimes just indulge senselessly in the sweet feeling that only her can bring. I know one day, I have to wake up..but let me be a willing and hopefully happy fish for the moment.I will never allow myself to be a fish to another person again..I think I am learning a lot from this experience...and I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes again(may commit totally opposite ones but definitely not the same ones.)

* Will a fish ever become a fisherman? Unlikely but you never know.

life is so unfair!!~

Manchester United lost to Celtic!!!! Damn it...we fucking dominated the whole freaking match n yet we lost..we even missed a freaking penalty at the end..can someone just kill me..arraggz.....I have not felt so down for such a freaking long time..crappy match...damn it..this bodes ill for chelsea match on sunday...God,pls,PLS bless Man U..I do not want to face any more heartbreak this week...I am freaking pissed, fucking down,pathetically resigned to Manchester United's failure.

Life is just unfair...so what if you treat a person with all your heart..you are still going to be treated as a substitute, as a spare tyre..great..I have been waking up to her sms for like 3 days in a row..I should rejoice, shouldn't I..haha..yah rite..its only becos her bf went overseas for army exercise that she's doing it..oh well...oh..b4 that we have been in contact every other day...yay..so what? she sms me as and when she feel like it, as and when she need it..n me..been the foolish me takes on this considerate self to not tell her i miss her..to not sms her when i want to..haha..yes..life is good isnt it..life is so fantastic..everything happens for a reason..yay..rejoice..woohoo..I just love myself for allowing myself to get all hurt over a person who couldn't care less about me..ok..maybe she does care...but definitely not a lot..

Oh..of cos..to top it off..exam stress..I realised how stressed and lost I was under this mountain load of readings I have only through an exchange of sms...

Min Li sms-ed me, 'Eh.who were the founding fathers? washington, thomas jefferson,james madison, who else?'

Me,'Abraham Lincoln?'

Oh..for goodness sake..what a stupid mistake..Lincoln is a key figure in the American Civil War not the American battle for independence against England...damn..Must be a reflex answer as I was lost in the world of the Civil War reading..when I saw her sms...sighz..its pretty funny at first..but on deeper reflection...yanwei, you better freaking buck up...

Ok..feels so much better after ranting..I can sense that my liking for her is slowly eroded by the persistent ongoing hurt that my heart is suffering...my heart aches so much for the Red Devils now..

* God,pls bless Manchester United to beat Chelsea this sunday and guide me on the path of recovery....

A short fleeting dream..

I dreamt of her just now during my nap..despite the nap been 2 hours..the dream I must say only lasted 1/2 an hour..b4 anyone start thinking off track..it was nothing sexual..sighz...the dream was so beautiful..transplanting my sorrow in real life with her to end with a hug with her that symbolizes hope..sighz..the ironic thing..during the hug itself..I already knew that I was dreaming..my rational self creeped in to tell me that this is not logical..yet I immersed myself fully into it..sighz..

Dreams are so beautiful because they are unlikely to come true.

Ironic that I dreamt of her on the day that I decided to leave matters of the heart alone for the moment to rush my assignment due tommorow..I guess my brain lost to my heart again..as usual..

I have lost enough battles this sem in my war...I am already waking up and ready to put my all in this war(academic goal), but is it too late? Losing the battles this sem is so justified and losing the war seems to be an inevitable fact..sighz..Shall die gloriously after this last push bah..

Will the reenactment of the defence of Stalingrad happens in my case or will I finally meet my waterloo this sem..we shall see.

Thoughts..

Love expects no rewards.

Is she just craving for attention and that's why she still messages me so that she can satisfy that crave? Is she a player? Does she really still need me around? Am I just a spare tyre to her? I hate to say this..but right now, the answers to all that really doesn't matter...the bottom line is I need her..at least..for the moment..

I miss her voice.
I miss her laughters.
I miss her blushes.
I miss her.

Am I in love? I certainly hope not..I want to think of myself as liking her a lot...She brought me so much laughter, joy, sweetness, warmth and perhaps even the feeling of love but why are all that always conditioned with disappointment, sorrow, agony, helplessness and the painful feeling of missing her...

I am happily sad? Am I...or am I just crazy? Or are all the feelings felt now just a fleeting mirage that will clear up with time..

I don't know..I know I need a reality check..with her though..after every reality check..I sink back to the situation b4 the reality check...I guess the most I can do is to limit the hurt and the thing I want most is to know that she's happy and perhaps one day able to hear her laugh n see her blush again..

*Love expects no rewards, is that too idealistic? I wonder...

a lazy sat..

Caught up with much needed sleep..10.30pm(fri) to 12.30noon(sat),then 4.30 to 6.30pm for a nap..the weather was just too tempting..watched Superman Return vcd from 7 plus to 10pm,jogging at 12midnite, 1am watch soccer..amidst all the intervals was online slacking..ok..I 'wasted' another day..but hey..a chinese saying goes, 'resting is to prepare one for walking the longer path'..I vow to study really hard tmr.

Ups and downs, Ups and downs, happy,unhappy,joys,sorrows,they keep coming one after another..making me just tired....

Sighz..friday,saturday,sunday sometimes sucks..becos I know she will be spending much of these days with her bf..which means she won't feel the need to sms/msn me..its always on these days that reality sinks in and I feel like I'm just a spare tyre..

*Noone is indispensible in this world, but I hate the thought that I am dispensible to her. Sighz..

I have fallen in love with this song~

I have fallen in love with this song..

THE ONE YOU LOVE
Glenn Frey, Jack Tempchin

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to
Who will understand what you're going through
When it comes to love, there's no easy answer
Only you can say what you're gonna do
I heard you on the phone, you took his number
Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon
Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?
Isn't he the one who made you blue?
When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gona say when he comes over?
There's no easy way to see this through
All the broken dreams, all the disappointment
Oh girl, what you gonna do?
Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair
But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

a lousy nite

6am..Manchester United got beaten by Southend...just witnessed a giantkilling act on my beloved team..sighz..kudos to the underdogs..arraggz..it never pains me to watch the Red Devils lose...

Lailin said to me, 'Just don't peg your moods to her.' Yah,I need to do that..but could anyone explain to me the joy felt in knowing that she did well in her favorite presentation today? How do one explain the depressing feeling of just wanting to chat more with her when she's online n feel an imagined or real sense of coldness because she's bz doing her other stuff..sighz..I do miss her..I yearn to hear her voice..I could call her..but no..I'm not going to do that..what for..? Trying to keep a distance from her is my way of minimizing hurt..Perhaps..the best way is to sink myself into the seemingly never-ending papers that I have to hand in..and then the exams...

* I wish I can watch the sunrise with her...

Another battle lost in the war~

I completed my ethnicity n religion essay 2 hours ago,40minutes b4 submission time and send it over to my friend to hand in for me since he had to hand in the same essay and he reached ps dept at 5.12pm and to his horror, the pigeon hole was already empty and the prof wasn't in his office. 12 mins late and if the prof is going to penalize me for that, he's going to be number 1 on my hate list. Sighz..the thing is he's a pretty particular prof that he can be quite anal at times..true..its my fault that the submission was late but for 12 mins..darn..

Anyway, the essay was not a masterpiece, nothing to be proud of, failed to match my expectations so even without the possible penalty, it was not going to be an A grade essay..sighz..another battle lost in the war for a first class honours. Because of my slip-ups in the first half of the sem, there's already no margin for error and yet, I failed to manage my time well enough to do justice to my work. I hate it when I know I lost the battle because of my own efforts..

Fighting a losing war,losing another battle in the war, is the war a foregone conclusion with the battles already lost so far? Needing to take the day off and pick myself up for the battles that are looming ahead. I will not give up until the war is lost. As long as there is a slim chance of winning the war, I will march on.

* Dreams may be dreams, but I'm still dreaming of doing my PHD in Harvard, Cambridge or Oxford and the minimum criteria for that dream-a first class honours.

destressed

Its so amazing how she make me feel destressed...i was so stressed b4 i chatted with her online..but she made me feel so much better..perhaps its the brackets that she uses..perhaps its her writing style..perhaps its becos she's a pyschology major..but i think ultimately its becos its her..its just her..she's my drug...for now...