the end of the war

The war is lost. My dream has ended. No more moon, only stars..

Moments like this are remembered for life. The loss of a war, the end of a dream, the inevitable reality of effort plus potential not been enough to get the coveted goal. And yes, so many terms for an almost compulsive obsession with a first class honours dream. The knockout blow came much eariler than the semester that just ended. Derailed by an equally or even more-so obsession with her, my cap suffered a big drop of 0.9 that rendered the situation beyond me.(especially the pyschological blow that destroyed an aura of 'zai-ness') And so, it is finally over, mathematically. But, its well deserved isn't it? At the end of the day, I just did not meet my potential. I could have tried hard enough, could have stayed focused and then I will do much better than what I'm doing now. Now, in Joan's words(spoken a year plus back), I will just be an ordinary 2nd upper class grad. walking around. And yes, my ego doesnt like this feeling at all. >.<

This obsession started even before I entered NUS, one year into my national service, in a jc class gathering, I remembered asking Sujeeta about life in NUS and when I told her that I was aiming for a first class honours, she actually scoffed at that idea and went on to yak about how hard that is. That look on her face when I started my NUS life with a dean's list was one that I will never forget and now she have been proven right, this was indeed beyond me.

My best friend, Andrew, how hard have we fallen from grace! In my perspective at least. With the first class in sight in our early years in uni, we lost sight and eventually lost the quest. I will never forget that you top your cohort in the first year in computer science in Aberdeen University, nor will I forget the pact that we have and I wanted you to have that first class honours as badly as I wanted mine. But, you disappointed me with that loss in steam in year 3, sighz, and now, I have fallen. I know, a 2nd upper won't haunt you as much as it would haunt me, yet, I wish that the repercussions to this failure is going to be positive.

Left with pride to study for in honours year, I am not going to give up. But, no longer is the strategic reason for choosing modules anymore important, I am going to take challenging modules that interest me. The level 3000 hy module, Dictators of Europe will be something that I want to read upon next year. With my fetish for nazism and Adolf Hitler, this module just seems too appealing to be missed. And of cos, the allure of dictators is too strong to resist. The thing is I'm a Political Science Major and PS modules come first, despite not having much interest in Theories of IR, I have to take this. Plus another 2 PS modules that seems to be modules that I can't miss, I might yet miss the chance to take Dictators of Europe. Let's hope I can choose the modules I want bah, for with pride only to fight for, its time that I ease that unnecessary burden on myself and truely enjoy what is my last year of undergraduate life.

Moving on from here, I need to pick myself up and focus on new challenges. Time to concentrate on the Graduate Management Admissions Test that top ministries and big MNCs use in their review of job applications. Time to convince myself that I have the time and the required effort to take a third language? And by that, I don't mean conversational level, but really effectively proficient in it..and yet, I don't like the idea of overloading myself and the thing wih language especially new ones, its that you need consistent effort to stay proficient in it...

Dreams are sweet because they never come true. Could this happen to my dream of joining Ministry of Foreign Affairs too?

(Update- Thanks Dr Kripa for giving me that full A grade that I have always been striving to achieve for a PS module.A welcome relief from the usual one step too far A- grade that I have been getting for PS modules that I am confident for. You did not kill me, I'm so suprised. Probably, the ingenuity of my answers and the consistent work done throughout the sem made up for an exam where for the first time, everything that I spotted and focused on was not amongst the questions. And for that, I'm glad.)