it hurts so much...

My heart is bleeding and it is a haemorrhage.
My mind is spinning and it is a whirlwind.
My emotions are running and it is a rollercoaster.
My bio clock is warping and it is a norm.
My priorities are shifting and it is a disaster.

I always knew it was going to be tough.
I always knew I am going to get hurt.
I always knew I am not a player.
I always knew I am a hopeless idealist.

Yet, amidst all the confusions, all the uncertainties, I never expected myself to feel so hurt so soon. Ignorance is bliss. Why did I want the truth so badly? Because, I never expected the stuff she said? I never expected myself to be such a bad judge of character? I never expected myself to be so hurt so soon? My idealised image of her just got brutally erased with every words that I read from her diary. Instantly, all the joy, all the happiness, all the sweetness, all the anticipation went blazing in flames. In its place, confusion sinks in, sorrow rushes in, pain overrides every other emotion felt. I requested to smoke even when I promised her I won't smoke with her. The first broken promise that parellels my broken heart.

What am I going to do?
Take a break from her and leave her to sink even more in her own problems and risk her getting even more hurt?
Continue allowing my heart to bleed until it is not broken but dead and allowing myself to like her more n more?

I want her to be happy. I want her to recover. I do not need to have her as my girlfriend. I do need her to pull herself up again though. Yet, while helping her out of her emotional turmoil, I'm afraid I myself will actually be going through a larger emotional turmoil. How I wish I could be a bit more selfish, a bit less idealistic and a lot stronger.