i won't let history repeat itself..i hope

Smsed her in the morning to wish her gd morning..saw her online just now..chatted with her for like 1 plus hours..we didn't flirt like last time..I just wanted to know how she is..n joked a bit with her..it was all well..until she probed into how I am..I wanted to be mean n say, 'shall keep u guessing then'..after saying this..my heart actually ached..n i typed 'i'm ok'..then she probed into what's ok..subjective,doesnt say much n stuff..so i told her,'i'm recovering'..then behold..the magic of computer failures- my com auto restart..haha..perfect timing..came online again..n i just clarified my position that I am not holding any illusions,won't revert back to the past and sighz..just wanted to talk to her as a friend..sighz..

I can't bear to tell her I'm still not over her..my heart still hurts..I still can't forget her..I am certainly on the road of recovery though..I just needed that short relief perhaps? I hope this won't bring me back to square one..it won't bah..I mean...I can still somehow care as a friend rite..as long as I am able to recover..I can still care even in a limited way right..I wish I can be the one to tide her over her bad moods instantly..but I can't do that..I just hope to share some of her problems sometimes..I know right now, at this stage, I will still be there for her no matter what..but I can't tell her that..becos I dun want to be a life buoy..yet I want to care..with minimal hurt..caring for her is actually what I desire most..n its like a drug to curb my feeling of missing her..I just hope that I won't abuse this drug..becos this drug is subjected to a total break of supply as long as she feel like it..eventually..I hope and I know(I KNOW!!!..gotta drill this in my mind) that I can live without this drug..I can don't miss her in this sense anymore..n perhaps..care for her as a friend..becos she's special..she really is..I don't understand why I like her so much but it doesn't matter why..what matters is..I can't have her..so SIGHZ...so..

I won't let history repeat itself.
I rather get obsessed with my dream of a first class.
I want to recover.