I miss the days when I am a boy...

I miss the days when I can indulge myself in the world of dragonball cards and comics and forget about the whole world.
I miss the days when I play basketball and soccer almost everyday and not worry about what that might do to my studies(except for my favorite subject,history).
I miss the days when I,my best friend Andrew and Hardy will just hang around in school laughing,joking,playing pespsi cola 1-2-3,using stone as soccer ball and dreading arts n craft n technical lessons(ok,I'm the only one who dreaded both lessons. >.<)
I miss the days when gals are the least important thing in life and having fun is the most important thing in life.
I miss the days when I can joke about Andrew's sexy mole and think that's a polite thing to do.(gone are those days,there's only the sexy scar left)
I miss the days when completing games like romance of 3 kingdoms and super mario brothers are the most important and pressing things on my mind.
I miss the days when Eric Cantona and Michael Jordan reign supreme and I idolize them like they really are God.
I miss the days when I can be a crybaby and cry freely when I'm sad and don't have to control my emotions.
I miss the days when I am a boy...

i won't let history repeat itself..i hope

Smsed her in the morning to wish her gd morning..saw her online just now..chatted with her for like 1 plus hours..we didn't flirt like last time..I just wanted to know how she is..n joked a bit with her..it was all well..until she probed into how I am..I wanted to be mean n say, 'shall keep u guessing then'..after saying this..my heart actually ached..n i typed 'i'm ok'..then she probed into what's ok..subjective,doesnt say much n stuff..so i told her,'i'm recovering'..then behold..the magic of computer failures- my com auto restart..haha..perfect timing..came online again..n i just clarified my position that I am not holding any illusions,won't revert back to the past and sighz..just wanted to talk to her as a friend..sighz..

I can't bear to tell her I'm still not over her..my heart still hurts..I still can't forget her..I am certainly on the road of recovery though..I just needed that short relief perhaps? I hope this won't bring me back to square one..it won't bah..I mean...I can still somehow care as a friend rite..as long as I am able to recover..I can still care even in a limited way right..I wish I can be the one to tide her over her bad moods instantly..but I can't do that..I just hope to share some of her problems sometimes..I know right now, at this stage, I will still be there for her no matter what..but I can't tell her that..becos I dun want to be a life buoy..yet I want to care..with minimal hurt..caring for her is actually what I desire most..n its like a drug to curb my feeling of missing her..I just hope that I won't abuse this drug..becos this drug is subjected to a total break of supply as long as she feel like it..eventually..I hope and I know(I KNOW!!!..gotta drill this in my mind) that I can live without this drug..I can don't miss her in this sense anymore..n perhaps..care for her as a friend..becos she's special..she really is..I don't understand why I like her so much but it doesn't matter why..what matters is..I can't have her..so SIGHZ...so..

I won't let history repeat itself.
I rather get obsessed with my dream of a first class.
I want to recover.

her msn nick.

seeking-solace-in-a-mad-world

Is she ok? How I wish I can just go and ask her..? Have been pondering over how she is since I saw her nick in the afternoon..first time I saw her online for like 2 plus weeks..

I wish I know how she is..I hope she's doing well or at least coping..if only we are still friends..if only I didn't want to wake up...if only..

...........

A hazy night,
A forlorn man,
A passing thought,
A broken heart.

Departed

I watched the movie Departed just now,its a remake of the immensely succesful HK movie Infernal Affairs and like all remakes..it just can't beat the original..one comment by my friend really struck me..the incredulous tone that my friend said to another friend who didn't watch the original movie," the plot was adopted from a chinese scriptwriter,k"..I can sense the pride yet this pride is built(from my beliefs) on the subconscious acknowledgement that Asian movies, HK,Japanese or even Bollywood still have some way to go before matching Hollywood's standards. I hate to admit it but having been fed the American culture since I was young, this 'white man's superiority' in the soft power sense does exist..however..we seriously need to break out of this pseudo belief, there are really a lot of good Asian movies, Brotherhood and My Sassy Gal/Windstruck are among my favorite movies and they are Korean movies, Be with Me,a local movie also stole some of my tears..

Anyway,back to the movie,despite some superficial changes,the storyline remains to a large extent similar to the original,however..there's a subplot that made me really uncomfortable with the movie, the Hollywood version depicted Matt Damon's girlfriend as cheating on him(despite loving him at the same time) and actually had a 'relationship'(sex included of cos) with Leo. When Leo went to find the girlfriend for comfort at some stage in the show, the girlfriend actually told Leo, "I'm sorry,but I can't be your friend again." @#$^*#@..The girlfriend's actions,the cheating on Matt turns me off to the core..the thought of seeing someone cheating on the person she love really sucks to the core. How could she be so fucking selfish..yah yah..sell me the crap that one can't help but develop feelings for another even when loving someone else..with a bit of self control..the feelings would not lead to the cheating lah..sighz..

Sometimes, I wonder is it inevitable that lust will overpower love at some stage in life? Do I have to admit that love can conquer all,a theory I guard so jealously is just a figment of senseless fairytale-like belief? I don't know..maybe I'm naive,maybe I'm idealistic but I prefer to keep this small part of me intact..

history

Those who remember the past are condemned to make the opposite mistakes."
-Santayana

Why does his maxim sounds so applicable to me? I will remember the opposite mistakes I made in the months that flew by so as to not commit them again..

2 weeks has flown past with no contact with her...
Its really over...?
Rejected the opportunity to attend a gd friend's surprise b'day celebration in early nov. becos I don't want to see her..right decision?
Yet,I'm still thinking about what christmas present to buy for her..stupid. :0
Sighz..bouts of missing her like that in intervals like this must stop soon..
Getting tired...really tired..

"Religion is the opiate of the masses"
- Marx

Have been listening to christian songs frequently these days..its weird that these songs can actually provide me with peace..sighz..so tempted to buy a bible..I can't find mine(a gift from my ex) :(...Maybe at this vulnerable stage..one do need some supernatural help...I'm not a christian..yet in the past..I have turned to my bible for help..always said the bible is a good self-help book..doubting whether it is really just a self help book..or is God reaching out to me, offering words of comfort where I really need it..sighz..

Its 5am..the break of dawn will be approaching soon..yet..my mind is filled with her words-'The darkening sky is so beautiful', her describing the sunset, which my reply was 'Yah,its a pity that sunsets are beautiful yet short'..

The sun has set and the darkness creeps in,a nite with no moon,a dead city,a troubled soul awaiting painfully for the break of dawn again..

what a week!~

I like to blog when I am on a high from alcohol..yet not drunk to feel miserable..
I just got back home from a chalet with my ex-collegues from mindef nexus,psd dept..they are a really happening lot..I'm so glad that in my first real working experience..I get to know such a great bunch of happening n fun pple that I can click so freely with..had lots of fun with the bbq,card games and of cos the various varieties of alcohol..we were even drinking b4 we left the chalet!~ Hope to see you all soon at colin's farewell ord dinner at wala wala or something :)

A hectic and happening week indeed..the pubbing on tuesday which actually made me feel worse n miss her more n then the mcys feedback unit's 21st anniversary dinner at pan pacific hotel. REACH is the feedback unit's new name!! lol..anyway..the dinner was pretty fun..an eye opener in many ways,the political speech,the hierchical seating..the media..etc etc..won't elaborate on such boring stuff..but the two sideshows that got me quite enchanted.

The first sideshow is the really pretty yet prim n proper jc teacher that was sitting beside me at my table..she proves my preference for teachers n perhaps also strengthens my preference against accountants and lawyers..teachers just seem more likely to be paragons virtues..of cos I'm generalizing here..but she really caught my attention somewhat..though of cos I didn't ask for her number..becos of my current emotional condition and the fact that I'm still a student.

The second sideshow must be the presence of at least 6 other fellow ps students at the dinner..this is like so amazing becos ps majors' presence in such arenas show the activism of our students in civil service endeavours..I feel so much at ease after seeing them around at the dinner..furthermore..from small talk with civil servants at the dinner..ps majors do seem to leave the impression that we are an opinionated,outspoken lot..lalala..which is really gd..lol

After the dinner..I saw my ex..whose position in my heart needs no elaboration..she's just special..yet I feel no sense of romantic love towards her anymore..she still remains as my biggest regret..just glad that she will be here for me no matter how much I neglect u..just happy to see her tired(from work) and yet chirpy..may we stay in touch forever..n I must remind myself to meet up with her soon n not keep not finding the time to meet her..last met her only in may..sighz..I hope I dun give her the feeling that she's dispensible..she's not..its more of monetary concerns that I dun meet her..becos its really expensive to go out with her..the drinks at those posh places costs a bomb..still a poor student man..give me another 2 yrs..will try to make up for it..

And of cos the chalet on sat,sun..lol..yay..in between these events in the week..lots of mugging n rushing for papers too..arraggz...my deadlines are all crashing in on me..need to start mugging really soon..monday!~ free day..will mug for the whole day..

*happy,happy,happy, let's hope this happy feeling lasts and not let the feeling of misery sinks in after the high feeling wears off n the hangover sinks in..I did think of her at the chalet..sighz..but of cos..kept myself bz most of the time to not think abt. her...

what's wrong with me?

Have been smoking a lot more these days..
Just puked,just had too much to drink at a pub,just flared up at my buddy and make him damn pissed..just received a one liner e-mail from her...god..can my life get even more sucky...so..what's wrong with me..?

Is it really that hard to get over a gal..I wonder..if it is not..why am i suffering so much...i am crazy..crazy..crazy...i hate myself..the present me is detestable..getting down every nite is not me..not me at all..flaring up when a fuse is lit is me...but normally..i am able to keep that fuse tightly secured n hidden..yet..i seem to be much more easily irritated these days...its been tough...its been really sucky...i hate myself...

My obsession with a first class honours is taking an unexpected toll on me..I have been mugging..especially hard since that total break..exhausting my mind..thinking that will get me over her n also aid my road in my quest for my first class honours..yet..I am not confident at all..i feel i have wasted too much time..i feel that 4.7 or 2 A, 3A- per sem for the remainder of my nus life is just an impossible target..why can't i be fucking satisfied with a 2nd upper...why am i looking in the mirror n seeing a loser..i am a loser aint i..i want so badly for my first class..something i have aimed for even b4 i go nus...

When i wake up, I will have a bad hangover..
When i wake up, i will want my heart to be dead for her..
When i wake up, i will be fine..
When i wake up, i will put my mind,heart,soul into studying..
When i wake up, i will be happy again..
So when are u waking up, yanwei?

Recognition for my rabbit..lol

My overdue recognition for my rabbit, your owner(me) so nice hor, will remember to feed you with more carrots..lol

stupid actions..

Sighz..I had to ask her best friend, my good friend how has she been these days...her best friend said..bz with schwork lor, stressed over sch work and other than that..no other information from her le as we switched topics..how I wish I could know more. I know she's easily stressed and also like to think too much..how I wish I could just be there for her and relieve her of her stress, offer words of comfort and words of advice and a listening ear as and when she needs it..yet..I'm not there and I can't be there..sighz..why can't I be there..why can't I do that..

2nd stupid thing I did..I went to look at her sms-es on my way home just now..halfway through the reading of the sms-es..I stopped abruptly..becos the feeling of missing her just overwhelmed me..I miss her so much...I wish I could just hear her voice again..I wish I could look at the sms-es that brought me so much sweetness in the past with the same sweetness..sighz..


* All I can do is to pray and hope that she is happy and doing well in life...its been days since we last exchanged sms-es..yet it feels like months...

Proud~

I'm so proud of myself..at 5am..I just completed 12 hours worth of revision for the 30percent ICA test at 12 noon,though I have to wake up at 8.30 for my 11am tutorial(n skipping the ipsea lecture at 8am..darn,its for the better good,i need my sleep to tackle the test), I feel that finally my old self is coming back..this revision is not that last minute somemore, I don't feel that unprepared as compared to previous essays/tests this sem with her in my life...I'm so relieved that I can actually sit myself down in my room n do what I do best..mug with vigour,mug with pride,mug with purpose, I so want to be a chao mugger again..yay..no matter how the test turn out..at least I can be accountable to myself n tell myself, yanwei, u tried your best, u will do fine..you might even score(fingers crossed,not that confident though.)

I know deep down, I still miss her,maybe the feeling will come back tmr after the test or during the weekend..but I'm so glad that my quest for my first class honours,no matter how hard it seems n whether I can get it in the end, and my desire to excel in my academic endeavour kept me going again...so glad..

My first regret regarding her..

Yes, I still care..a lot for her..and I totally regret the slightly harsh tone of my sms last nite, I knew it was going to hurt her, n I hate myself for hurting her...I totally hate myself for causing hurt to someone I like so much..I hate it when I could have dealt with the situation better..perhaps..this teaches me a lesson to not do anything on impulse again..yet..only on impulse could I make a decision to make a total break from her..its so ironic that I reneged on my decision and sms her just 24 hours later, it was really affecting me so much..so I had to sms her just now at 5am apologizing for the harsh tone and conveying the same meaning of a total break..but the tone, the words more accurately reflects my feelings towards her..

Sighz..I want so much to just keep continuing caring for her...I want it so badly..yet I can't..its for my own good that I don't care for her anymore, its a tough decision to abide to, but I must try my best, because I don't want to be hurt anymore..a life buoy once dispensible is really sad..rather than wait for my own value to be lost completely n discarded away..its better to leave with some dignity and recover...I need to be selfish..I know I can be selfish..humans are born selfish anyway...I am going to vanish from her life..and its long overdue...yup..

From the bottom of my heart, I wish her happiness and hope that she will not encounter/endure/suffer any heartbreaks or problems in life..a nice gal like her deserve the best things in life...

the last time

Ok..so my heart has officially died towards her..her letter made it so clear..since there's no hope,why bother clinging on it? I should have woken up long time ago..sure..I cried again..big crybaby..but yah..its time to wake up,its time to wake up..time to face reality again..no point..keep wallowing in self pity isn't it..why care so much for a person who hurt u time n time again..she have her boyfriend to turn to, she have her gd friends to turn to..I'm no substitute and I had enough of taking on the role of a life buoy,an alternative person to turn to..I HAD ENOUGH! that's it!~ I don't want to care anymore. Its been one month since I heard her voice, I know I miss her a hell lot, I still like her a lot, but yah...so what? Its not going to change anything..clinging on will only bring me so much more pain..time to move on man..time to wake up,smell the roses n fuck the whole world. I want my first class honours, I want to be happy again, I want to not wallow in self pity again..that just sucks..that's just not me...

Ok, that's it!~ I think reality will sink in and I might suffer from a hell lot of withdrawal syndrome with a real total clean break from her when I wake up the next day...so be it then..what's need to be done, need to be done..I need to be selfish...I must tell myself I don't want to care anymore, I don't need to care anymore, she's dispensible, she's forgettable..

Sighz...Reality checks never fail to hurt,ranting never fails to heal.

* On a rational note, she's a really nice gal and I don't regret anything I did regarding her..its time to wake up and embrace the new world though. The accumulated hurt has been too much..it finally overrides all joys.