overjoyed.

Finally and I mean finally, there seems to be a glimpse of hope towards fulfilling my dream.

I have been shortlisted for the first round of the recruitment process for the Foreign Service Officer(Political and Economic) with MFA!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Yah, I know, first round only, written tests only, may still be rejected at this stage of the recruitment process or at further rounds of interviews, but nonetheless, I am really happy!! Haven't been so happy for such a long while!!!wahahahahahahahaha :)

OMG, I'm like so excited now lah, that kind of feeling far exceeds another interview with another ministry one day after the written tests at MFA!!

I will definitely try my best!!! I can do it!!! Even if I am not recruited this time round, this will not prevent me from trying again next time!!

* I'm overjoyed, excited and ecstatic now. But don't worry, I will moderate my hopes of getting this job as I know how stringent the recruitment process is. :)

way back into love

I'm a real sucker for love movies. Music and Lyrics made this song special. And special it is, for I have listened to it more than twenty times today. :)

6am on Christmas day, still awake but happy that this Christmas eve, my heart is at peace. Looking back on last Christmas, perhaps, this reason alone made this a merry merry Christmas. :)

2046

I just finished watching the movie,2046. Words can't really describe how brillant and poignant I think this movie is.

2046 is really 2047.

If love can be defined, 2046 just provided the closest definition.

That imperfect perfection, that surreal reality, that blurring of line between illusion and reality, that immense hurt....

Giving is perhaps not really an option when you experience true love. For when your happiness is based upon hers, the hurt experienced by you is nothing compared to the joys you brought her.

Love has always been something undefinable, something that is surreal, something that is fluffy, something that defies rationality. But, if one looks beyond the complexities and the various pretensions that cloud love itself, it is very simple.

Is love like the rainbow that follows every thunderstorm? Where the various colours form a really beautiful picture that brings unexplainable joys? Or does love take the optical illusion of a rainbow that is always there but seldom appears before the naked eye?

Love may just become that prison where one cannot break through even if he/she holds the key. Yet, maybe only in that prison can one find happiness or perhaps death.

Seeking answers in love is a fallacy. For there are no answers, for love itself is a maze that one gets lost in. To be lost and to not know you are lost may just be the most beautiful thing in life.

game?

I did something rather silly but perhaps sweet just now.....the rational me will see that as a mistake but as always, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I tend to just go with what I feel and perhaps, its the person too, I love the feeling that I can just be so direct and frank and says what's on my mind, how I feel and what's bothering me, perhaps, I finally found a soulmate whom I'm really so comfortable with. With her, my vocab does not dry up, no awkard silences, minimal pressures and that ability of hers to cheer me up is just quite special.......

Game? I know, a lot of my friends have advised me in the past that there are some rules that you have to follow, somethings that you have to do, some stuff that you can't say, some stuff that you must say, some some some...etc..etc..etc..but I have never been able to grasp why they see this as a game. To me, this has never been a game and hopefully will never become a game. I do not like the whole concept of treating this as a game. Even if this means that I get hurt more often than not, even if this means that if this is a game, my success rate will never be high.

At the end of the day, I can get hurt. I can be silly. I can have my heart broken. I can even slowly lose faith in this whole concept. But, at least, I followed my heart and this is the most important thing to me.

* Maybe, just maybe, she will replace that special person in my heart and I will be able to finally seek closure with the past.

inner thoughts

Alcohol always make me feel a bit vulnerable. Some says drinking, especially excessively is to seek an escape, an escape from the harsh reality of life. Yet, drinking, especially moderately, can lead to you facing your deepest inner thoughts, squarely and truly. Slightly intoxicated(really, as can be seen by the fluency in this blog entry), my mind went into overdrive, for the first time in months.........

I have been going to CCK on a rather frequent basis since I got to know Yihui. Likewise, today, I went over to find her to study, though as expected, we ended up chatting much more than doing anything productively academically. Today is a rather happy day though, for I finally get to taste Yihui's famed horrible cooking, had a rather pleasant surprise that the dishes she cooked today(admittedly not requiring that much expertise)were not only edible but tasty. haha, we also had beer at the end of the very non-productive study session at starbucks eariler.......but this is really not the focus of my blog entry...........

Everytime I go to CCK, there's always this part of me who just hoped to catch a glimpse of her, from far or in near proximity, just a glimpse. I have not seen her for a year plus le and I just cannot bring myself to meet her when I had the opportunity to, resulting in the refusal to attend two of my good friends' birthdays because I know she will be there. Escapism ain't exactly the best way to do something and I really really wish that I can just go for that two good friends' birthdays and special events from now on without including the 'her' factor....Often in my head, I will try to imagine what it would be like seeing her after such a long absence, will it be like, cordial, amicable, small talk of no consequences, but diplomatic niceties? will it be like, avoidance and limiting much contact with her? Or will i fall back into that vicious cycle? I really have no idea...no idea at all....

We haven't been in contact at all since 4 months plus ago, since I sms-ed her to wish her happy birthday. I guess, after pissing her off with the well-drilled messages that my rational self managed to conjure up that my life is better off without you, make her so firm on her decision to never contact me again. For, I may just become that stranger which I wanted to be...just so that I don't have to be stuck into a vicious cycle again, just so that I can move on, just so that I can give the 'out of sight, out of thought' theory a try....Yet, I can't help but wonder whether she's right when she said that, to be strangers is just a temporary game that we two are playing.......yet maybe the game has long ended for her, while subconsciously, I'm still playing this stupid game...this game that long ought to have ceased and move on.....

I'm definitely moving on though, seemingly with a whole lot of false dawns along the way...but yet, always a step forward...or at least 3 steps forward, 1 step back, the least that I managed to do is to stop asking for her updates for close to 3 months le.....in a perverse way, she kept my sanity, or maybe to be more accurate, the idealized image of her kept me sane or insane...can't really tell the difference at times, for that fine line keeps blurring...with her at the back of my mind, I am able to reduce any possible tugging of the heartstrings by any other girl to a bare minimum that will be extingushed easily. This should be considered a merit isn't it? For to be troubled by matters of the heart is really just quite dumb..........(an irony considering this blog entry)

I wish I can say this will be the last time I blog about her, but judging by the fact that despite my strong desire to delete all her sms-es and pictures on the bus just now, I still can't do it.....does speaks volumes...

* Disclaimer- This blog entry is the direct result of intoxication. I am not down or sad, just feeling and thinking a bit more than usual, will be up n going to mug for that darn hy module tmr. urgh.