RSS Feed (xml)
The war is lost. My dream has ended. No more moon, only stars..
Moments like this are remembered for life. The loss of a war, the end of a dream, the inevitable reality of effort plus potential not been enough to get the coveted goal. And yes, so many terms for an almost compulsive obsession with a first class honours dream. The knockout blow came much eariler than the semester that just ended. Derailed by an equally or even more-so obsession with her, my cap suffered a big drop of 0.9 that rendered the situation beyond me.(especially the pyschological blow that destroyed an aura of 'zai-ness') And so, it is finally over, mathematically. But, its well deserved isn't it? At the end of the day, I just did not meet my potential. I could have tried hard enough, could have stayed focused and then I will do much better than what I'm doing now. Now, in Joan's words(spoken a year plus back), I will just be an ordinary 2nd upper class grad. walking around. And yes, my ego doesnt like this feeling at all. >.<
This obsession started even before I entered NUS, one year into my national service, in a jc class gathering, I remembered asking Sujeeta about life in NUS and when I told her that I was aiming for a first class honours, she actually scoffed at that idea and went on to yak about how hard that is. That look on her face when I started my NUS life with a dean's list was one that I will never forget and now she have been proven right, this was indeed beyond me.
My best friend, Andrew, how hard have we fallen from grace! In my perspective at least. With the first class in sight in our early years in uni, we lost sight and eventually lost the quest. I will never forget that you top your cohort in the first year in computer science in Aberdeen University, nor will I forget the pact that we have and I wanted you to have that first class honours as badly as I wanted mine. But, you disappointed me with that loss in steam in year 3, sighz, and now, I have fallen. I know, a 2nd upper won't haunt you as much as it would haunt me, yet, I wish that the repercussions to this failure is going to be positive.
Left with pride to study for in honours year, I am not going to give up. But, no longer is the strategic reason for choosing modules anymore important, I am going to take challenging modules that interest me. The level 3000 hy module, Dictators of Europe will be something that I want to read upon next year. With my fetish for nazism and Adolf Hitler, this module just seems too appealing to be missed. And of cos, the allure of dictators is too strong to resist. The thing is I'm a Political Science Major and PS modules come first, despite not having much interest in Theories of IR, I have to take this. Plus another 2 PS modules that seems to be modules that I can't miss, I might yet miss the chance to take Dictators of Europe. Let's hope I can choose the modules I want bah, for with pride only to fight for, its time that I ease that unnecessary burden on myself and truely enjoy what is my last year of undergraduate life.
Moving on from here, I need to pick myself up and focus on new challenges. Time to concentrate on the Graduate Management Admissions Test that top ministries and big MNCs use in their review of job applications. Time to convince myself that I have the time and the required effort to take a third language? And by that, I don't mean conversational level, but really effectively proficient in it..and yet, I don't like the idea of overloading myself and the thing wih language especially new ones, its that you need consistent effort to stay proficient in it...
Dreams are sweet because they never come true. Could this happen to my dream of joining Ministry of Foreign Affairs too?
(Update- Thanks Dr Kripa for giving me that full A grade that I have always been striving to achieve for a PS module.A welcome relief from the usual one step too far A- grade that I have been getting for PS modules that I am confident for. You did not kill me, I'm so suprised. Probably, the ingenuity of my answers and the consistent work done throughout the sem made up for an exam where for the first time, everything that I spotted and focused on was not amongst the questions. And for that, I'm glad.)
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
24.
* The following post contains lots of grammatical n vocab. errors that the writer can't be bothered to correct considering that he has homework to do.*
I turned 24 on last saturday, the last year where one can claim that he is in his early 20s le. I am not really a 'birthday' kind of person, preferring solitude more than company at times or just meeting a few close friends on the day itself or the days surrounding it. This birthday is rather unique and special for many reasons.
The Prelude
A very early suprise birthday celebration by Roy, Karen and Pangwei. I was expecting to celebrate Karen's belated birthday with a simple dinner and chilling out on wednesday night after work and found out that I had a rather pleasant surprise that the three of them actually bought polar tarts with candles to help me celebrate an early b'day(considering that Roy n Karen went to gentings on my b'day, they must be guilty to not be able to be around so to be so nice bah)..haha..With Roy and Pangwei, the feeling's a bit like family le, just something simple will do, with old friends like this(n yes, hardy,so sorry I could not make it for lunch on sat becos I was working)..you just feel so at home with them that the fact you can say anything n everything makes that nite of relaxation so enjoyable that the celebration whatever the style is secondary as compared to the company.
The Eve
On friday, meeting the NUS PA internship mates(14 in total) for an informal sharing session aka dinner led to half of us going for a drinking and chilling out session at paulauners on saturday. The funny thing is how all of us actually click off so swiftly despite this meeting been the 1st or 2nd time that we see and really interact with each other. Maybe its Peilin's entertainment ability, maybe its Michelle's photo-whoring, maybe its just everyone on almost the same wavelength, enjoying the atmosphere and the nice beer. Starting my birthday on a high on alcohol is perhaps expected but to spend the first few hours of my birthday with a new group of people is certainly totally unexpected.
The Actual day
High, flushed with smses from many of my friends whom I treasured greatly, I reached home to an even sweeter surprise. Juliet sang me a birthday song twice over the phone, after much cajoling. This was the first time someone sang me a birthday song over the phone and this gesture is much appreciated.
Waking up to a slight hangover and to work on my birthday(another first time) is not exactly my ideal plan to spend my birthday. But, it turned out to be a really enjoyable workday, with the MP coming over to our table during the forum and engaged us in an intriguing conversation. Interesting? You betcha..! I'm actually pretty impressed at some of the insights that the MP pointed out and of course, I did hold on strongly and tried to defend some of the beliefs that ran contrary to his viewpoints.
After work, the tiredness got to me and I decided to spend the rest of my birthday at home with my family and one eye on the Manchester United match at night. Yes, was left disappointed, probably dampened my birthday mood a bit. Oh well, the least, Manchester United did was not to lose on my birthday but 30 mins after my birthday ended.
The aftermath
Just got back home an hour ago from dinner with Yixian, Shuyi and Edwin. Had a belated birthday dinner with them at CCK. Yes, Yixian, the food was really nice and your room really lives up to its reputation(lol, :p). Never really expected us to get to know each other better, christianty? Church? Probably, Thanks for the surprise soap and the christian songs, its really much appreciated. The christian songs will come in especially handy with all the thoughts and self reflections that I have been doing these days.(probably, resulting in this incoherent blog entry and the numerous times when writer's blocks struck and I just can't pen down my thoughts).
Her
The 3 month plus absence of contact broke with 2 birthday sms from her, near midnite and in the evening on the actual day. I knew she will remember my birthday and I was actually half expecting her to sms me. Probably, the happiest thing that happened to me on my birthday was the fact that she's more stable now than in the past. I know after the few sms-es exchanges, we are going to revert back to the status of strangers. But what kind of strangers will actually remember each other's birthdays? Aug 5th, probably the date that this absence of contact will be broken again for that will be my turn to message her happy birthday and maybe pick up the pieces again and be friends again. These 3 months interlude has been beneficial in my recovery. It has been 2 months plus since I last blogged abt. her....the pain and the hurt are not felt much anymore and the memory of such feelings are getting more and more distant. While waiting for Yixian and Shuyi at CCK mrt stn today, I had these very weird feeling, this is so near her house, will I get to meet her by surprise? How will I react? Do I want to see her..? Probably, its a complicated feeling of just wanting to see her again to perhaps visualize that she's fine and surviving well and the reminder of the hurt and the long struggle to get back to normalcy makes it such an incoherent inner struggling..thank God that my friends appeared 15 mins later..to stop me from having those unneccessary thoughts that are really redundant.
24 and counting
24 sounds old. Age does not represent maturity. Yet, I have grown so much since 23 flashes past with a glimpse of an eye. The quest and defeat in my first class honours dream, internship with Nexus, mentorship with Reach, the temporal brush with christianty, her, her, her, her.......
May this last lap of the early 20s bring about more happiness and satisfaction. I never ever want to be vulnerable again, I had enough of vulnerability, of been hurt..probably, the scars haven't healed yet, probably, the channeling of energy towards making more friends and concentrating on tangible goals such as another testimonial, enjoying my last year in school and laughter and fun with friends are more important than the senseless and dangerous thing called love.
I turned 24 on last saturday, the last year where one can claim that he is in his early 20s le. I am not really a 'birthday' kind of person, preferring solitude more than company at times or just meeting a few close friends on the day itself or the days surrounding it. This birthday is rather unique and special for many reasons.
The Prelude
A very early suprise birthday celebration by Roy, Karen and Pangwei. I was expecting to celebrate Karen's belated birthday with a simple dinner and chilling out on wednesday night after work and found out that I had a rather pleasant surprise that the three of them actually bought polar tarts with candles to help me celebrate an early b'day(considering that Roy n Karen went to gentings on my b'day, they must be guilty to not be able to be around so to be so nice bah)..haha..With Roy and Pangwei, the feeling's a bit like family le, just something simple will do, with old friends like this(n yes, hardy,so sorry I could not make it for lunch on sat becos I was working)..you just feel so at home with them that the fact you can say anything n everything makes that nite of relaxation so enjoyable that the celebration whatever the style is secondary as compared to the company.
The Eve
On friday, meeting the NUS PA internship mates(14 in total) for an informal sharing session aka dinner led to half of us going for a drinking and chilling out session at paulauners on saturday. The funny thing is how all of us actually click off so swiftly despite this meeting been the 1st or 2nd time that we see and really interact with each other. Maybe its Peilin's entertainment ability, maybe its Michelle's photo-whoring, maybe its just everyone on almost the same wavelength, enjoying the atmosphere and the nice beer. Starting my birthday on a high on alcohol is perhaps expected but to spend the first few hours of my birthday with a new group of people is certainly totally unexpected.
The Actual day
High, flushed with smses from many of my friends whom I treasured greatly, I reached home to an even sweeter surprise. Juliet sang me a birthday song twice over the phone, after much cajoling. This was the first time someone sang me a birthday song over the phone and this gesture is much appreciated.
Waking up to a slight hangover and to work on my birthday(another first time) is not exactly my ideal plan to spend my birthday. But, it turned out to be a really enjoyable workday, with the MP coming over to our table during the forum and engaged us in an intriguing conversation. Interesting? You betcha..! I'm actually pretty impressed at some of the insights that the MP pointed out and of course, I did hold on strongly and tried to defend some of the beliefs that ran contrary to his viewpoints.
After work, the tiredness got to me and I decided to spend the rest of my birthday at home with my family and one eye on the Manchester United match at night. Yes, was left disappointed, probably dampened my birthday mood a bit. Oh well, the least, Manchester United did was not to lose on my birthday but 30 mins after my birthday ended.
The aftermath
Just got back home an hour ago from dinner with Yixian, Shuyi and Edwin. Had a belated birthday dinner with them at CCK. Yes, Yixian, the food was really nice and your room really lives up to its reputation(lol, :p). Never really expected us to get to know each other better, christianty? Church? Probably, Thanks for the surprise soap and the christian songs, its really much appreciated. The christian songs will come in especially handy with all the thoughts and self reflections that I have been doing these days.(probably, resulting in this incoherent blog entry and the numerous times when writer's blocks struck and I just can't pen down my thoughts).
Her
The 3 month plus absence of contact broke with 2 birthday sms from her, near midnite and in the evening on the actual day. I knew she will remember my birthday and I was actually half expecting her to sms me. Probably, the happiest thing that happened to me on my birthday was the fact that she's more stable now than in the past. I know after the few sms-es exchanges, we are going to revert back to the status of strangers. But what kind of strangers will actually remember each other's birthdays? Aug 5th, probably the date that this absence of contact will be broken again for that will be my turn to message her happy birthday and maybe pick up the pieces again and be friends again. These 3 months interlude has been beneficial in my recovery. It has been 2 months plus since I last blogged abt. her....the pain and the hurt are not felt much anymore and the memory of such feelings are getting more and more distant. While waiting for Yixian and Shuyi at CCK mrt stn today, I had these very weird feeling, this is so near her house, will I get to meet her by surprise? How will I react? Do I want to see her..? Probably, its a complicated feeling of just wanting to see her again to perhaps visualize that she's fine and surviving well and the reminder of the hurt and the long struggle to get back to normalcy makes it such an incoherent inner struggling..thank God that my friends appeared 15 mins later..to stop me from having those unneccessary thoughts that are really redundant.
24 and counting
24 sounds old. Age does not represent maturity. Yet, I have grown so much since 23 flashes past with a glimpse of an eye. The quest and defeat in my first class honours dream, internship with Nexus, mentorship with Reach, the temporal brush with christianty, her, her, her, her.......
May this last lap of the early 20s bring about more happiness and satisfaction. I never ever want to be vulnerable again, I had enough of vulnerability, of been hurt..probably, the scars haven't healed yet, probably, the channeling of energy towards making more friends and concentrating on tangible goals such as another testimonial, enjoying my last year in school and laughter and fun with friends are more important than the senseless and dangerous thing called love.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Thank you, Dr Kripa
DR SRIDHARAN, KRIPA is leaving her teaching position in NUS. :(
Sighz, I would not have known if not for her mass e-mail to us. I feel a tinge of sadness that she's leaving NUS even though I was pretty sure that she will not be teaching any honours year modules and thus, the chances of me learning from her lessons are pretty slim even if she have stayed...
She's one of my favorite PS Profs, ok, in case some of you are wondering I have three favorite Profs within the political science department( Dr Alan Chong, Dr Kenneth Paul Tan and Dr Kripa). My whole experience with political science begins with her and Dr Kenneth teaching me PS1101E, Introduction to Political Science. The module was a tad dry and technical as it tried to cover all the fields of political science yet I was blessed with a teacher like her in my first sem in NUS. Its a double blessing considering that Dr. Kenneth took half of the module with her. Her teaching style is not just effective but clear and pleasant with a sprinkling of jokes here and there, making the mood of her lectures always light and conducive.
My liking for her grew when I took foreign policy and diplomacy module under her care in my 2nd sem in NUS. My 2nd PS module and only PS module that sem and she opened up my world and interest into the intricacies and wonders of International Relations. Furthermore, I have her as my tutor in this sem which resulted in me having one of the most enjoyable PS tutorials ever in NUS. That semester was also a litmus test for me, whether to pursue History or Political Science as my major. She was one of the factors that pushed me into the world of Political Science and developing an insatiable desire to learn about international relations.
I was really disappointed with MM replacing her in teaching International Conflict Analysis as I'm sure that I will learn so much more with Dr. Kripa teaching the module. My desire to take South Asia module was because of the IR segment and her teaching the module and she did not disappoint. Her tutorials were still very enjoyable though the presentations was a real drag, I prefer her presentations-free tutorials that I have in FPD.
Actually, she killed me in my South Asia exam this sem, excluding the entire IR segment, 3 full lectures on it and my favorite country Sri Lanka(the only country to be excluded in the essay component) made much of my efforts go down the drains. Probably, I won't do well for this exam. Me and my friends were quite surprised that she actually played a stunt like this for the exam. haha, 'so not like Kripa' was the general sentiment felt. Despite the possibility of faring below expectations for the exam, my liking for her did not dissipate.
I sent her an e-mail before writing this blog entry, a short e-mail to thank her for the wonderful learning experience. This is actually the first time I did something like that since pri sch(i think). I'm actually surprised at the feeling of disappointment that instantaneously struck me when I saw the e-mail that she's leaving. Perhaps, the disappointment of not having her as a potential Honours Thesis Supervisor(only Dr Alan Chong left on the list, sighz) contributed to the feeling of the disappointment felt.
Dr Kripa, you have left an indelible imprint on my university education. :)
Sighz, I would not have known if not for her mass e-mail to us. I feel a tinge of sadness that she's leaving NUS even though I was pretty sure that she will not be teaching any honours year modules and thus, the chances of me learning from her lessons are pretty slim even if she have stayed...
She's one of my favorite PS Profs, ok, in case some of you are wondering I have three favorite Profs within the political science department( Dr Alan Chong, Dr Kenneth Paul Tan and Dr Kripa). My whole experience with political science begins with her and Dr Kenneth teaching me PS1101E, Introduction to Political Science. The module was a tad dry and technical as it tried to cover all the fields of political science yet I was blessed with a teacher like her in my first sem in NUS. Its a double blessing considering that Dr. Kenneth took half of the module with her. Her teaching style is not just effective but clear and pleasant with a sprinkling of jokes here and there, making the mood of her lectures always light and conducive.
My liking for her grew when I took foreign policy and diplomacy module under her care in my 2nd sem in NUS. My 2nd PS module and only PS module that sem and she opened up my world and interest into the intricacies and wonders of International Relations. Furthermore, I have her as my tutor in this sem which resulted in me having one of the most enjoyable PS tutorials ever in NUS. That semester was also a litmus test for me, whether to pursue History or Political Science as my major. She was one of the factors that pushed me into the world of Political Science and developing an insatiable desire to learn about international relations.
I was really disappointed with MM replacing her in teaching International Conflict Analysis as I'm sure that I will learn so much more with Dr. Kripa teaching the module. My desire to take South Asia module was because of the IR segment and her teaching the module and she did not disappoint. Her tutorials were still very enjoyable though the presentations was a real drag, I prefer her presentations-free tutorials that I have in FPD.
Actually, she killed me in my South Asia exam this sem, excluding the entire IR segment, 3 full lectures on it and my favorite country Sri Lanka(the only country to be excluded in the essay component) made much of my efforts go down the drains. Probably, I won't do well for this exam. Me and my friends were quite surprised that she actually played a stunt like this for the exam. haha, 'so not like Kripa' was the general sentiment felt. Despite the possibility of faring below expectations for the exam, my liking for her did not dissipate.
I sent her an e-mail before writing this blog entry, a short e-mail to thank her for the wonderful learning experience. This is actually the first time I did something like that since pri sch(i think). I'm actually surprised at the feeling of disappointment that instantaneously struck me when I saw the e-mail that she's leaving. Perhaps, the disappointment of not having her as a potential Honours Thesis Supervisor(only Dr Alan Chong left on the list, sighz) contributed to the feeling of the disappointment felt.
Dr Kripa, you have left an indelible imprint on my university education. :)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
A beautiful bride indeed.
Isn't she beautiful? She looks like an angel! :)
Ok, this sounds himbotic and yah, obession hor like Fatma's obsession with il divo, kaka, inzaghi, etc etc etc...lol(excuse me for dragging you in, haha). But hey, this is my way of destressing- its 7am and I just finished mugging for the day with lots of material to be covered when I wake up...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)