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Singapore vs Malaysia
I went to the stadium with my friends to watch the Singapore vs Malaysia match today..the stadium was packed with 55,000 fans, electrifying atmosphere, the real Kallang Wave, the roar of support from us, the incessant boo-ing n jeering of the Malaysian players, the boo-ing of the ref.! You know, I have never felt so Singaporean for such a long time, the shouting, boo-ing in mandarin, dialact, english, malay, oh my god...yet, I think we were all speaking a common language, its just amazing.
The joy felt from the Singapore team's equalizer and the penalty shootout victory is just so immense. The adrenline rush is surreal to say the least. I literally shouted and boo-ed myself hoarse after the penalty shootout. No voice came out of my mouth when I tried to shout in joy at the instance when our keeper saved the penalty. I'm so glad I went to watch the match. Really appreciate the effort by Wanrong and Min Li to go earlier today to buy the tickets for the whole group. Go, go, Singapore!! lol
Wayne Rooney's red hot form!
Rooney is in red hot form again!!! Supersub Wayne!! Brillant masterstroke from Sir Alex!!! OMG..the second goal that Rooney scored against Portsmouth today reminded me of Manchester United Legend, Eric Cantona. Cantona is the reason for me pledging my undying allegience to Manchester United. Finally, we have a player capable of filling Cantona's boots! Wayne Rooney!!!!!!!!!! Manchester United rocks!!!!!!!!!
Her
Found out that she is not exactly doing fine, she actually had a really bad mood swing today, sighz. It still hurts to know that she's depressed. Its so much easier to put her on the back of my mind with the knowledge that she's doing fine. She did not turn to me despite her mood swing. With our contact reduced to a minimal level, I shouldn't be too surprised by that.
May she have a better sunday and a good week ahead. God, please bless her.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
A College Love Story
Nab recommended this story to me, its really touching. Thanks, Nab. :)
A College Love Story
What she doesn't know will kill you
by Matt Brochu
November 21, 2003
You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen's house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn't know.
Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or CU, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a "Buddy Alert" is, you've rigged your computer to play "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" from "Tommy Boy" every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn't know.
She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Anna-Kournikova-and-Lizzie-McGuire-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to Cornell sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn't know.
She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing. But you're a writer. You can describe anything. That's what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you're afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you'll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn't mind.
You wouldn't mind that the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn't mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn't mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. ... because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don't mind that you've slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn't know.
Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years.
You remember everything she's ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can't remember your teaching assistant's name, and you can't remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know.
But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over. You could kick his butt, and you've never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988.
But she loves him. He wouldn't know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn't know.
Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You've been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you're the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don't deserve to have rocks thrown at them.
But nothing changes. She doesn't know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she'll never know. You get that feeling that you'll be forced to write a cheesy Collegian column about her that makes "Sleepless in Seattle" look like "Girls Gone Wild."
You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn't know. You're not in love. You're not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to.
So ___________, it's about time you know*.
Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.
Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist.
A College Love Story
What she doesn't know will kill you
by Matt Brochu
November 21, 2003
You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen's house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn't know.
Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or CU, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a "Buddy Alert" is, you've rigged your computer to play "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" from "Tommy Boy" every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn't know.
She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Anna-Kournikova-and-Lizzie-McGuire-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to Cornell sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn't know.
She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing. But you're a writer. You can describe anything. That's what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you're afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you'll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn't mind.
You wouldn't mind that the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn't mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn't mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. ... because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don't mind that you've slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn't know.
Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years.
You remember everything she's ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can't remember your teaching assistant's name, and you can't remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know.
But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over. You could kick his butt, and you've never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988.
But she loves him. He wouldn't know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn't know.
Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You've been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you're the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don't deserve to have rocks thrown at them.
But nothing changes. She doesn't know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she'll never know. You get that feeling that you'll be forced to write a cheesy Collegian column about her that makes "Sleepless in Seattle" look like "Girls Gone Wild."
You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn't know. You're not in love. You're not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to.
So ___________, it's about time you know*.
Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.
Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist.
distance
Chatted with her online for an hour before a premature ending because of bad internet connection on her side and its getting late. Naturally, I feel a sense of disappointment...Just glad to hear that she's been doing ok lately..
There's this distance between me and her..distance on my side..she still sounds the same..but the feeling's different le..perhaps..the need to not tell her what I really want to say and how I feel contributes to that..
There's light in the tunnel. The only issue here is, ' How far is the light?'
There's this distance between me and her..distance on my side..she still sounds the same..but the feeling's different le..perhaps..the need to not tell her what I really want to say and how I feel contributes to that..
There's light in the tunnel. The only issue here is, ' How far is the light?'
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
political science major's rant.
A friendly caution- this post may be boring for a non-political science major.
What's a good political scientist? Someone who can package crap as grand theory will be my appropriate answer. Immanual Kant is well-famed for his incoherency, Marx's theory is still disputed and subjected to lots of interpretations, Samuel Huntington's Clash of Civilizations seems overly simplistic and yet applicable all at the same time and Francis Fukayama's End of History thesis is an overly optimistic liberal view that has lost much credence after the rise of religious fundamentalism in today's world..especially the post 9-11 era.
There are so many more examples that I can list out..I guess the biggest problem a political science major faces must be the fact that one can never call a spade a spade..unlike history..we like to deconstruct things..like to protray a simple world as a complicated one..or rather describe a complicated world to the fullest..there's always perspectives..and many many sides to the story..depends on which ideological slant that you are leaning closer to. Realism, liberalism, marxism, postmodernism, technological determinism, constructivism, functionalism, primordialism, individualism...let us not even go into adding the neo- in front of some of these theories.
I am a proud realist, a neo-realist in some aspects, a hawk, a person who believe that power is the be all and end all and states will always be the main actor and the most powerful actor in the international environment, everything is determined first by realpolitik, by geopolitics, by calculated self-interest..humanitarian concern, altruism, just war, ideological reasons for fighting are not irrelevant to me but always seems less convincing to me on a personal basis...Yup, I admit, this is a serious ideological bias.
Today, I had a seminar essentially upon medium theory, of all fields, my most hated field postmodernism..Mcluhan tried to sell this theory by stating the crappy fact that the medium is the message, no..the medium is the massage..oh wait..he meant both are applicable..you know what's the most irritating thing about postmodernists? You can never pin their argument down..its all ambiguity here, incoherence everywhere..complicating simple issues..I will accept the scientific prism analogy as with how information interacts with the media..but...the medium is the message and source doesn't matter, hot and cool mediums? Come on, let's be realistic.
Mcluhan confused me so much that the subsequent postmodernist discussion about medium as the message or the massage rendered me into a silent student for the first time..not out of my own will, not because of lack of effort but lost in the world of postmodernist discussion..
It is actually a bit funny to see people attacking and defending a postmodernist theory..especially when more often than not..the position of a postmodernist is not clear. My mind steeped in the proud tradition of realist thought just could not muster an argument that I am convinced of to defend/attack this stupid medium theory.
* I need to join in the mess the next time I encounter another postmodernist theory crap..for the 20percent participation marks cannot be neglected. >.<
What's a good political scientist? Someone who can package crap as grand theory will be my appropriate answer. Immanual Kant is well-famed for his incoherency, Marx's theory is still disputed and subjected to lots of interpretations, Samuel Huntington's Clash of Civilizations seems overly simplistic and yet applicable all at the same time and Francis Fukayama's End of History thesis is an overly optimistic liberal view that has lost much credence after the rise of religious fundamentalism in today's world..especially the post 9-11 era.
There are so many more examples that I can list out..I guess the biggest problem a political science major faces must be the fact that one can never call a spade a spade..unlike history..we like to deconstruct things..like to protray a simple world as a complicated one..or rather describe a complicated world to the fullest..there's always perspectives..and many many sides to the story..depends on which ideological slant that you are leaning closer to. Realism, liberalism, marxism, postmodernism, technological determinism, constructivism, functionalism, primordialism, individualism...let us not even go into adding the neo- in front of some of these theories.
I am a proud realist, a neo-realist in some aspects, a hawk, a person who believe that power is the be all and end all and states will always be the main actor and the most powerful actor in the international environment, everything is determined first by realpolitik, by geopolitics, by calculated self-interest..humanitarian concern, altruism, just war, ideological reasons for fighting are not irrelevant to me but always seems less convincing to me on a personal basis...Yup, I admit, this is a serious ideological bias.
Today, I had a seminar essentially upon medium theory, of all fields, my most hated field postmodernism..Mcluhan tried to sell this theory by stating the crappy fact that the medium is the message, no..the medium is the massage..oh wait..he meant both are applicable..you know what's the most irritating thing about postmodernists? You can never pin their argument down..its all ambiguity here, incoherence everywhere..complicating simple issues..I will accept the scientific prism analogy as with how information interacts with the media..but...the medium is the message and source doesn't matter, hot and cool mediums? Come on, let's be realistic.
Mcluhan confused me so much that the subsequent postmodernist discussion about medium as the message or the massage rendered me into a silent student for the first time..not out of my own will, not because of lack of effort but lost in the world of postmodernist discussion..
It is actually a bit funny to see people attacking and defending a postmodernist theory..especially when more often than not..the position of a postmodernist is not clear. My mind steeped in the proud tradition of realist thought just could not muster an argument that I am convinced of to defend/attack this stupid medium theory.
* I need to join in the mess the next time I encounter another postmodernist theory crap..for the 20percent participation marks cannot be neglected. >.<
Friday, January 19, 2007
ouch~
I dropped the cd case with the cd she burnt for me. Instantly,I felt a heartwrenching sensation. Ouch, ouch, that hurts. The first message that my brain sent out was so clear, 'Damn it, Yanwei, can you be more careful anot?!' I inspected the cd case and played the cd. After a meticulous inspection, relief and satisfaction took over the previously negative emotions.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
The pain of missing her..
I miss her...been refraining from sms-ing/msn-ing/calling her since that sms on friday afternoon...it does hurt...it is painful..but definitely much less pain than what she can deal me with...Been trying my best to smile more,laugh more and crack more jokes..humour as a defence mechanism? humour is the best medicine..? Maybe..just feel like drinking alcohol now..a heineken or a glass of chocolate mint baileys but I have none now..sighz..Maybe Andrew is right....
'If my happiness depends on someone, I'll never be completely free or happy.'
'There'll always be a misogynist part of me that will whisper...look how weak you've become, fawning over another human, just because she's got boobs and a pussy and some chemical primitive processes in your animal brain fancies you're experiencing this illusion called true pure love. Desire is never pure man, and you know it.'
Sighz..words of wisdom from my best friend...yah..I'm neither free or happy in a totality sense..bonded by the feeling of liking her..but hey..if slavery can be abolished..this form of bondage shouldn't be too much of a problem...I hope...
Yah, I'm weak, vulnerable and I am disappointed and sometimes hate myself for allowing myself to go through all these crap..n feeling miserable...
* Wake up..........
'If my happiness depends on someone, I'll never be completely free or happy.'
'There'll always be a misogynist part of me that will whisper...look how weak you've become, fawning over another human, just because she's got boobs and a pussy and some chemical primitive processes in your animal brain fancies you're experiencing this illusion called true pure love. Desire is never pure man, and you know it.'
Sighz..words of wisdom from my best friend...yah..I'm neither free or happy in a totality sense..bonded by the feeling of liking her..but hey..if slavery can be abolished..this form of bondage shouldn't be too much of a problem...I hope...
Yah, I'm weak, vulnerable and I am disappointed and sometimes hate myself for allowing myself to go through all these crap..n feeling miserable...
* Wake up..........
Saturday, January 13, 2007
a bad start to a good day~
I had a bad start to my day..but at the end of my day in school, I am happy and chirpy..
My bad start to the day was due to an sms from her..she sent me a seemingly innocuous sms..asking me lightheartedly whether I want to be her big brother and her be my little sister..sighz..to her this sms may be innocuous..to me..it is really hurting..all I was expecting from her is that bit of sensitivity to my feelings..but yet..I cannot even get that..she knows fully well..that I like her a lot..and with all that had happened between me and her..did she really think that I will be her brother..? Sighz..I am starting to feel that I want to move on..I may already be moving on..but it may just be a mirage...but..the desire to be happy and not be too hurt by her seems to contribute to the building of a defensive wall around my heart..still in the early stages..but its a start...
Then the start to a wonderful day in school. :) First up, my ps mod. South Asia, Politics and Foreign Policy..its good to be taught by Dr. Kripa again..I just love her style..and of course teasing Nabilla during the break lifted me up..it just feels good to be able to laugh,joke and chat with Nab and Fatma..
Then Government and Politics of Southeast Asia..boring mod., but it seems so easy that an A in the mod. is really within grasp if I work hard enough..anything less than an A- for this mod. will be deemed as a failure by this confident warlord. :)
Then Forensic Science, its like how interesting can..plus..the fact that I am taking with so many friends really made this nite class entertaining..the unexpected suvenoir from Shuyi, the chit chatting over dinner and the company for half of the journey back home..it just warms my heart...
Since, I have briefly reviewed 3 mods..might as well..talk about 2 more mods that I'm taking..Living with Fluids is not that boring though quite technical and tough for an arts student like me..but I have my S/U option..lol..and this mod. allows me to mingle with Meiling who's probably graduating this sem :(, for two days of my week..and also know Steph better..which is really a bonus...
Lastly,my favorite module this sem, International Politics of Communications,a honours yr mod. with a 18 page reading list..intellectually stimulating and challenging and taught by my favorite Prof, Dr Alan Chong..the only module this semester that I'm taking alone though..but the module that I am most serious about..I am going to give it my best shot..120percent..everything that I have..this is my new challenge..and I am going to conquer it!
Seeking solace in the sanctuary of school. School will be very comforting with lots of laughter, socializing and fun. School will also provide me with the new challenge that I need in terms of my academic endeavour.
My bad start to the day was due to an sms from her..she sent me a seemingly innocuous sms..asking me lightheartedly whether I want to be her big brother and her be my little sister..sighz..to her this sms may be innocuous..to me..it is really hurting..all I was expecting from her is that bit of sensitivity to my feelings..but yet..I cannot even get that..she knows fully well..that I like her a lot..and with all that had happened between me and her..did she really think that I will be her brother..? Sighz..I am starting to feel that I want to move on..I may already be moving on..but it may just be a mirage...but..the desire to be happy and not be too hurt by her seems to contribute to the building of a defensive wall around my heart..still in the early stages..but its a start...
Then the start to a wonderful day in school. :) First up, my ps mod. South Asia, Politics and Foreign Policy..its good to be taught by Dr. Kripa again..I just love her style..and of course teasing Nabilla during the break lifted me up..it just feels good to be able to laugh,joke and chat with Nab and Fatma..
Then Government and Politics of Southeast Asia..boring mod., but it seems so easy that an A in the mod. is really within grasp if I work hard enough..anything less than an A- for this mod. will be deemed as a failure by this confident warlord. :)
Then Forensic Science, its like how interesting can..plus..the fact that I am taking with so many friends really made this nite class entertaining..the unexpected suvenoir from Shuyi, the chit chatting over dinner and the company for half of the journey back home..it just warms my heart...
Since, I have briefly reviewed 3 mods..might as well..talk about 2 more mods that I'm taking..Living with Fluids is not that boring though quite technical and tough for an arts student like me..but I have my S/U option..lol..and this mod. allows me to mingle with Meiling who's probably graduating this sem :(, for two days of my week..and also know Steph better..which is really a bonus...
Lastly,my favorite module this sem, International Politics of Communications,a honours yr mod. with a 18 page reading list..intellectually stimulating and challenging and taught by my favorite Prof, Dr Alan Chong..the only module this semester that I'm taking alone though..but the module that I am most serious about..I am going to give it my best shot..120percent..everything that I have..this is my new challenge..and I am going to conquer it!
Seeking solace in the sanctuary of school. School will be very comforting with lots of laughter, socializing and fun. School will also provide me with the new challenge that I need in terms of my academic endeavour.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Regrets...
Regrets..an inevitable reality of life. There are always going to be instances whereby a different decision may have chartered a totally different route in life...sometimes I ponder over the decisions taken, other times, I just keep putting them at the back of my mind, preferring to let time do its magic and lessen the agony and pain over it..time is a really lousy solution/cure/aid/medicine/drug though..
I had my fair share of hurt in my life but when I look back at my past..there will always be two girls in my life that I will always feel regret for...because I know I have caused them pain and hurt. One is of course, my ex., who had to deal with an immature egoistic prick(me,sighz..I was 14,what did u expect) and the other is X whom I met and knew in jc..I was slightly older by the time I was 17..yet I was still a confused immature individual who thinks he's over his ex. n yet so not over..sighz..I knew I hurt X badly..through my insensitive actions and decisions taken..my defence that I am still a boy doesn't even convince myself when it comes to X...I just can't seem to be able to reconcile my past..that I hurt two angels badly in my life..
With my ex., the dust has settled and she's happily married and we still meet a few times a year for movies, catching up n stuff..I no longer have romantic feelings towards her and our friendship has reached a new level..Its not that beautiful though..in this friendship, my ex. always has to make the effort to check on me,ask me whether I'm free n stuff..and I don't do likewise..sighz...financial constraint, a reluctance to be reminded of the past or just inherently anti-social and keen to stick to my own circle of friends..? I wonder...
With X..my apologies were never going to be enough to lessen the pain I caused her..I am still guilty at taking the easy way out and did the insensitive things that I did..she made efforts throughout the years to keep in touch too..yet I failed to reciprocate...she never got the reasons for my actions back in jc..until today..sighz..I thought she would hate me, I wish she would hate me..but she dont..sighz..she rendered me speechless for a while..and caused this mixture of feeling in me..guilt,sorrow and a tinge of sweetness..when I asked her, 'why are you so nice to me?' and she said, 'Becos I treasure you as a friend.'
I have to come to terms with my past with X..treasure her more and have this angel back in my life again. One thing I am sure of is that I do not want to hurt either angels ever again.
* Facing the past, dealing with the present and looking to the future..everything will be ok in the end. I seem to have quite a handful to ponder over..hmm..shall take as much time as I can afford bah..I want to be happy.
I had my fair share of hurt in my life but when I look back at my past..there will always be two girls in my life that I will always feel regret for...because I know I have caused them pain and hurt. One is of course, my ex., who had to deal with an immature egoistic prick(me,sighz..I was 14,what did u expect) and the other is X whom I met and knew in jc..I was slightly older by the time I was 17..yet I was still a confused immature individual who thinks he's over his ex. n yet so not over..sighz..I knew I hurt X badly..through my insensitive actions and decisions taken..my defence that I am still a boy doesn't even convince myself when it comes to X...I just can't seem to be able to reconcile my past..that I hurt two angels badly in my life..
With my ex., the dust has settled and she's happily married and we still meet a few times a year for movies, catching up n stuff..I no longer have romantic feelings towards her and our friendship has reached a new level..Its not that beautiful though..in this friendship, my ex. always has to make the effort to check on me,ask me whether I'm free n stuff..and I don't do likewise..sighz...financial constraint, a reluctance to be reminded of the past or just inherently anti-social and keen to stick to my own circle of friends..? I wonder...
With X..my apologies were never going to be enough to lessen the pain I caused her..I am still guilty at taking the easy way out and did the insensitive things that I did..she made efforts throughout the years to keep in touch too..yet I failed to reciprocate...she never got the reasons for my actions back in jc..until today..sighz..I thought she would hate me, I wish she would hate me..but she dont..sighz..she rendered me speechless for a while..and caused this mixture of feeling in me..guilt,sorrow and a tinge of sweetness..when I asked her, 'why are you so nice to me?' and she said, 'Becos I treasure you as a friend.'
I have to come to terms with my past with X..treasure her more and have this angel back in my life again. One thing I am sure of is that I do not want to hurt either angels ever again.
* Facing the past, dealing with the present and looking to the future..everything will be ok in the end. I seem to have quite a handful to ponder over..hmm..shall take as much time as I can afford bah..I want to be happy.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
heineken/chocolate mint baileys.
Once upon a time, I had a distaste for alcohol..drank it only for the sole purpose of socializing..I remembered vividly my feelings towards beer when I first tasted it when I was 9 yr old..the bitter taste, the disgusted look on my innocent face and the puzzling thought about why people actually derive pleasure from such poison..how things have changed when you grow up..
National Service did not change my distaste for alcohol..though one of my fondest memories was getting really drunk on tiger beer(yah..tiger beer, of all drinks) at one of my campmates' ord celebration in spec mess, it was 2002 december..still a very new bird posted to my unit with my ord date a far distant dot at aug 2004..the old birds had a great time cajoling us to drink..I remembered my best buddy in the unit(a fellow new bird) also got really drunk that nite..I puked all over the toilet floor even b4 I was able to reach the toilet bowl..downing cans of tiger after tiger in a relatively short time got me that reward..haha..but I will never forget the chat I had with my best buddy in ns who sleep beside me..he was spluttering nonsense and I was also talking crap..yet..that closeness in adversity and that nite brought us closer during ns..
I started appreciating alcohol or rather some alcoholic drinks when I entered nus..because of my ps clique in particular, Hong to be exact..heineken is his favorite beer and hanging out a lot for 2 yrs whereby heineken was becoming more and more of a norm in our leisure made me appreciate heineken better..from sipping slowly in my bottle of heineken and finishing 1 bottle while he starts on his 3rd bottle to drinking at around the same speed though definitely not volume. I must say, the bitter taste of heineken is actually bittersweet, refreshing and gives you that desired high feeling in the end.
The goodness of alcohol is amplified in my beijing trip with Hong...sipping Singapore Sling(yah..go Beijing drink Singapore Sling..winner) at the pub in our hotel..and of course that life-saving(haha) bottle of alcohol he had on the day where the temperature was freezing cold with really strong frequent gust of wind and we were waiting for his family friend in an open carpark to pick us up. Freezing, clattering and sounding oh-so-stupid, the bottle of alcohol tasted really sweet, it gave us such a warm feeling through the body and we could only savour it through sips because it was finishing..that was such an experience. Of course, how can I forget the drinking at the really classy pub that oversee the sea at kowloon in hk..
Besides liking heineken a lot..my next favorite alcoholic drink must be chocolate mint baileys..my first contact with it came surprisingly at mindef nexus chalet sometime last yr..when I first tasted it..I thought it was chocolate milkshake just that its even better than that..practically going to get high on something that taste really good and not at all unappealing like vodka,tequilla or chivas(never really like hard liquor)..I cannot forget how much relaxation a small glass of baileys brings you after working through the nite and finishing your essays right on the dot of deadlines or after a long gruelling mugging session. Hmm..better get my baileys from Hong soon..assignments coming in..
I need to stress that I drink alcohol in moderation though..most of the time anyway..I try my best not to get drunk unless I am really depressed and needed a form of release(doesn't happen that often). Alcohol when consumed in large quantity can actually be a depressant, the puking, the hangover the next day..its just not worth it..unless you are actually looking for more pain to override the pain that you are feeling..but at the end of the day..the pain will disappear and the problem is still there. However, the release function of alcohol does help at times..it help you to be able to just enjoy yourself and put your troubles n problems away for that moment..a sense of release like no others..and I do need a break from time to time.
* Had two bottles of heineken just now while playing pool with Hong, Lulu and Eveleen,it feels good to be able to get her off my mind for that few hours, I need to have fun and stay happy. Shall turn to jogging and readings(there's at least 200pages of readings for this opening week of my honours yr mod,can you believe it?!) when I wake up from my sleep later.
National Service did not change my distaste for alcohol..though one of my fondest memories was getting really drunk on tiger beer(yah..tiger beer, of all drinks) at one of my campmates' ord celebration in spec mess, it was 2002 december..still a very new bird posted to my unit with my ord date a far distant dot at aug 2004..the old birds had a great time cajoling us to drink..I remembered my best buddy in the unit(a fellow new bird) also got really drunk that nite..I puked all over the toilet floor even b4 I was able to reach the toilet bowl..downing cans of tiger after tiger in a relatively short time got me that reward..haha..but I will never forget the chat I had with my best buddy in ns who sleep beside me..he was spluttering nonsense and I was also talking crap..yet..that closeness in adversity and that nite brought us closer during ns..
I started appreciating alcohol or rather some alcoholic drinks when I entered nus..because of my ps clique in particular, Hong to be exact..heineken is his favorite beer and hanging out a lot for 2 yrs whereby heineken was becoming more and more of a norm in our leisure made me appreciate heineken better..from sipping slowly in my bottle of heineken and finishing 1 bottle while he starts on his 3rd bottle to drinking at around the same speed though definitely not volume. I must say, the bitter taste of heineken is actually bittersweet, refreshing and gives you that desired high feeling in the end.
The goodness of alcohol is amplified in my beijing trip with Hong...sipping Singapore Sling(yah..go Beijing drink Singapore Sling..winner) at the pub in our hotel..and of course that life-saving(haha) bottle of alcohol he had on the day where the temperature was freezing cold with really strong frequent gust of wind and we were waiting for his family friend in an open carpark to pick us up. Freezing, clattering and sounding oh-so-stupid, the bottle of alcohol tasted really sweet, it gave us such a warm feeling through the body and we could only savour it through sips because it was finishing..that was such an experience. Of course, how can I forget the drinking at the really classy pub that oversee the sea at kowloon in hk..
Besides liking heineken a lot..my next favorite alcoholic drink must be chocolate mint baileys..my first contact with it came surprisingly at mindef nexus chalet sometime last yr..when I first tasted it..I thought it was chocolate milkshake just that its even better than that..practically going to get high on something that taste really good and not at all unappealing like vodka,tequilla or chivas(never really like hard liquor)..I cannot forget how much relaxation a small glass of baileys brings you after working through the nite and finishing your essays right on the dot of deadlines or after a long gruelling mugging session. Hmm..better get my baileys from Hong soon..assignments coming in..
I need to stress that I drink alcohol in moderation though..most of the time anyway..I try my best not to get drunk unless I am really depressed and needed a form of release(doesn't happen that often). Alcohol when consumed in large quantity can actually be a depressant, the puking, the hangover the next day..its just not worth it..unless you are actually looking for more pain to override the pain that you are feeling..but at the end of the day..the pain will disappear and the problem is still there. However, the release function of alcohol does help at times..it help you to be able to just enjoy yourself and put your troubles n problems away for that moment..a sense of release like no others..and I do need a break from time to time.
* Had two bottles of heineken just now while playing pool with Hong, Lulu and Eveleen,it feels good to be able to get her off my mind for that few hours, I need to have fun and stay happy. Shall turn to jogging and readings(there's at least 200pages of readings for this opening week of my honours yr mod,can you believe it?!) when I wake up from my sleep later.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I learnt something(s) new tonite.
I learnt something(s) new tonite
William Blake was too idealistic. Childlike innocence only exist in kids not in adults.
Humans are by nature selfish..to believe in the possibility of altruistic love is acting against your nature and only bring you hurt and pain.
The experience of free-fall in emotions felt is a jarring sensation that makes a person more numb than hurt.
There's only so much hurt that the heart can take before it start to feel the need to reject more hurt.
There's a fine line between false hope and hope and the distinction matters.
The most important thing in life is to be happy, everything else should stay secondary.
Your closest friend(s) can not only see things clearer but is(are) an indispensible pillar(s) of emotional support.
Pain and hurt can actually be comforting.
A new year, a new semester, a new hope and a new challenge. Looking forward to a happier 2007.
* I am feeling numb..and this must be a good sign.
William Blake was too idealistic. Childlike innocence only exist in kids not in adults.
Humans are by nature selfish..to believe in the possibility of altruistic love is acting against your nature and only bring you hurt and pain.
The experience of free-fall in emotions felt is a jarring sensation that makes a person more numb than hurt.
There's only so much hurt that the heart can take before it start to feel the need to reject more hurt.
There's a fine line between false hope and hope and the distinction matters.
The most important thing in life is to be happy, everything else should stay secondary.
Your closest friend(s) can not only see things clearer but is(are) an indispensible pillar(s) of emotional support.
Pain and hurt can actually be comforting.
A new year, a new semester, a new hope and a new challenge. Looking forward to a happier 2007.
* I am feeling numb..and this must be a good sign.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
On the eve of a new semester.
School starts tomorrow..and I have a 10am lesson..>.<..that means I can't sleep at my usual timing of 6plus,7am tonite, but I am actually really excited about the start of a new semester. My first class honours dream are realistically over..though not mathematically impossible yet..and I will not give up until it is really mathematically impossible. I do feel a huge load off my shoulders though and I am looking forward to the start of school.
To me, school have a two-tiered meaning. The first tier is that school is a battlefield. Readings,presentations,midterm tests,essays,exams..they are all challenges that one have to overcome. The satisfaction from a job well-done and the agony of a lost battle..my obsession with my dream have magnified the meaning of school as a battlefield to me for the past few semesters, however, this semester on, its more like give it your best shot and see how it goes.
The second tier is the fact that school is a playground. You go to school, interact with friends, laugh at lectures, skip lessons, relax at the dungeon and of course go out for drinks and stuff at the end of a long day in school. This semester is also the last semester whereby this playground will be filled with lots of familiar laughter,jokes and company. My PS clique will be graduating this semester le..the thought of going to school and not hanging out with Zheyuan, Heyi and Meiling and not see familiar smoking buddies like Hongtat after this semester just feel weird. Luckily, Hong is graduating next semester and not this sem. Sure, I have other close friends in school too..but not seeing them around after this sem just seems weird and a tad sad...sighz. Yup, so I must enjoy this semester to the fullest. :)
I can't wait for school to start!!! lol..
To me, school have a two-tiered meaning. The first tier is that school is a battlefield. Readings,presentations,midterm tests,essays,exams..they are all challenges that one have to overcome. The satisfaction from a job well-done and the agony of a lost battle..my obsession with my dream have magnified the meaning of school as a battlefield to me for the past few semesters, however, this semester on, its more like give it your best shot and see how it goes.
The second tier is the fact that school is a playground. You go to school, interact with friends, laugh at lectures, skip lessons, relax at the dungeon and of course go out for drinks and stuff at the end of a long day in school. This semester is also the last semester whereby this playground will be filled with lots of familiar laughter,jokes and company. My PS clique will be graduating this semester le..the thought of going to school and not hanging out with Zheyuan, Heyi and Meiling and not see familiar smoking buddies like Hongtat after this semester just feel weird. Luckily, Hong is graduating next semester and not this sem. Sure, I have other close friends in school too..but not seeing them around after this sem just seems weird and a tad sad...sighz. Yup, so I must enjoy this semester to the fullest. :)
I can't wait for school to start!!! lol..
Christianity and me...
I went to church today..to be exact..a church service today..the last time I went for a church service was back in secondary 3(not to mentioned the christmas celebration by city harvest in jc)..this decision was probably taken because of the uncertainties and rollercoaster time that I am experiencing at the moment...
I thought I was ready..ready for God's intervention, ready to believe that some omnipotent,omnipresent,omniscient Lord would open my heart, give me comfort and lead me out of my misery..I was wrong..I am not ready to embrace God..there's still too many rational doubts in my mind..and I was not able to contemplate adopting the Christian values and the Christian way of life.
I wanted to go to the service with an open mind and an open heart..instead my defence mechanism came up..guarded, nervous, uncomfortable throughout the whole service..despite the best efforts of my nice friends who tried their best to make me feel at home..I can sense my unease at the service..its weird..only after the service..did I resume my normal self....maybe that's because of my own experiences with christianity over the years...
You know what's the ironic part...I do turn to christian songs and even the bible when I'm really down...
I thought I was ready..ready for God's intervention, ready to believe that some omnipotent,omnipresent,omniscient Lord would open my heart, give me comfort and lead me out of my misery..I was wrong..I am not ready to embrace God..there's still too many rational doubts in my mind..and I was not able to contemplate adopting the Christian values and the Christian way of life.
I wanted to go to the service with an open mind and an open heart..instead my defence mechanism came up..guarded, nervous, uncomfortable throughout the whole service..despite the best efforts of my nice friends who tried their best to make me feel at home..I can sense my unease at the service..its weird..only after the service..did I resume my normal self....maybe that's because of my own experiences with christianity over the years...
You know what's the ironic part...I do turn to christian songs and even the bible when I'm really down...
Thursday, January 04, 2007
reality check~
Happiness..what a transient and often elusive feeling when it comes to love..I felt geniune, irrational happiness for 3 full days with regards to her..and I am so contented. Contented but afraid at the same time. Its true..happiness in this form is often illusory and can be gone as fast as they come. I guess she was right to give me a reality check by telling me to not like her too much..becos she's still unstable and need time to recover...
What a bittersweet feeling..I appreciate her concern..n yet the irrational feeling of happiness gets dissipated in an instance...when I look back at my past..I have never ever been so irrational before...this is the first time I am so irrational..hopelessly indulging in the feeling of liking her..yet..I need to keep telling myself to take reality checks now n then..
Can anyone tell me how to be rational when you made a decision to do the irrational thing to follow your heart? But..it is necessary, I guess..because the more happiness felt in this uncertain stage, the closer I get to her, the more hurt that I might received in the end and the deeper I might sink. Sighz..
Keeping a certain distance seems to be a right option..maybe I shouldn't ask her out so soon..maybe I need to not initiate contact as and when my heart wants me to..maybe the feeling for her might fade away with such self-restraint..maybe I will become a life buoy again..maybe there's a happy ending..
With so many uncertainties ahead, I am so tempted to just live for the moment and don't give much thought to the eventual outcome..soaking myself in the happiness and sweetness that comes along the way...
But in order to just be around in her life again..I need many reality checks now n then..I cannot allow myself to sink too deeply and then suddenly request a total break..I like the fact that when she's happy, I'm really happy..
*In life, there's always a need for reality checks..living for the moment more often than not can be counterproductive.
On a separate note
Another round of battle lies in the horizon, the battered and bruised warlord is again sensing blood and this time round is ready to win every battles thrown in his path.Let the war begins for that's when the bloodthirsty warlord gets his mundane satisfaction again.
What a bittersweet feeling..I appreciate her concern..n yet the irrational feeling of happiness gets dissipated in an instance...when I look back at my past..I have never ever been so irrational before...this is the first time I am so irrational..hopelessly indulging in the feeling of liking her..yet..I need to keep telling myself to take reality checks now n then..
Can anyone tell me how to be rational when you made a decision to do the irrational thing to follow your heart? But..it is necessary, I guess..because the more happiness felt in this uncertain stage, the closer I get to her, the more hurt that I might received in the end and the deeper I might sink. Sighz..
Keeping a certain distance seems to be a right option..maybe I shouldn't ask her out so soon..maybe I need to not initiate contact as and when my heart wants me to..maybe the feeling for her might fade away with such self-restraint..maybe I will become a life buoy again..maybe there's a happy ending..
With so many uncertainties ahead, I am so tempted to just live for the moment and don't give much thought to the eventual outcome..soaking myself in the happiness and sweetness that comes along the way...
But in order to just be around in her life again..I need many reality checks now n then..I cannot allow myself to sink too deeply and then suddenly request a total break..I like the fact that when she's happy, I'm really happy..
*In life, there's always a need for reality checks..living for the moment more often than not can be counterproductive.
On a separate note
Another round of battle lies in the horizon, the battered and bruised warlord is again sensing blood and this time round is ready to win every battles thrown in his path.Let the war begins for that's when the bloodthirsty warlord gets his mundane satisfaction again.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Happy~
4 months..I went through 4 months of not hearing her voice..n today..I finally got to hear her voice..I am really really happy...
Today(1/Jan/2007) was always going to be eventful and fun with me spending the start of this new year with my ex-collegues from nexus. It just feels good to be able to still meet them now n then for gatherings and stuff. I guess one of the best things that happened to me in 2006 would be the internship that I had with Mindef-Nexus. Besides the intellectually stimulating projects,the intimidating meetings(internal and external), the really slow dial-up connection, I guess what really made my internship so memorable must be my collegues and my SIP project presentation groupmates. Its just so gratifying that I really enjoy the company of my collegues, felt relatively at home and had fun at the party today.
But what made this party really special for me is the fact that she replied my sms with an unexpected call..and I had the best two hour phone chat ever and words just can't describe the feeling that I felt. It was just so nice to hear her voice again,the chemistry, the laughter and the closeness was surreal to say the least..
Its just so good to hear her laughter again..and it feels even better to know that its me who made her laugh..the feeling is just so sweet..when happiness is felt in its totality and not in the flawed state of happily sad..the feeling is just amazing..
Feel like writing more..but then..somehow..the words in my head now is just happy,happy happy,happy..haha..
Today(1/Jan/2007) was always going to be eventful and fun with me spending the start of this new year with my ex-collegues from nexus. It just feels good to be able to still meet them now n then for gatherings and stuff. I guess one of the best things that happened to me in 2006 would be the internship that I had with Mindef-Nexus. Besides the intellectually stimulating projects,the intimidating meetings(internal and external), the really slow dial-up connection, I guess what really made my internship so memorable must be my collegues and my SIP project presentation groupmates. Its just so gratifying that I really enjoy the company of my collegues, felt relatively at home and had fun at the party today.
But what made this party really special for me is the fact that she replied my sms with an unexpected call..and I had the best two hour phone chat ever and words just can't describe the feeling that I felt. It was just so nice to hear her voice again,the chemistry, the laughter and the closeness was surreal to say the least..
Its just so good to hear her laughter again..and it feels even better to know that its me who made her laugh..the feeling is just so sweet..when happiness is felt in its totality and not in the flawed state of happily sad..the feeling is just amazing..
Feel like writing more..but then..somehow..the words in my head now is just happy,happy happy,happy..haha..
Monday, January 01, 2007
Following my heart...
She broke up with her bf.
She wants me in her life.
I don't want to move on.
I added her back on msn.
I want to hear her voice again.
I'm going to meet her sometime soon.
Can I be more irrational?
I have decided. I have given up on the thought of moving on le..at least for now. I never wanted to move on anyway..its just that it was the rational/necessary thing. Perhaps, its still the 'right' thing to do..but I'm not going to do it..
I like her...a lot...and she needs a strong emotional support system for this period..so my heart says there's only one choice here..be there for her..you want to...Of course,I'm not that selfless...she gave me that glimmer of hope again..and I just need that bit of hope to sustain me...perhaps I'm really silly...but I want to believe and try for this last time.
I don't want to be a rebound...I won't be pushing for anything..I don't even think I'm expecting anything(I really will love to be together with her..but I'm not expecting that to happen)..I'm just going to be there for her..That's the plan for now at least..until perhaps..it gets unbearable..but I'm actually surprised at the amount of pain I can take..I'm surprised at my staying power..I'm surprised at how much joy I feel when she's happy...and how much pain I feel when she's sad...
I guess this rollercoaster ride is going to go on for a long long while...shall brace myself for the ride...and try my best to not sink too deeply..as I have found out..Hurt has a bottomless pit..you can never be too hurt...
She wants me in her life.
I don't want to move on.
I added her back on msn.
I want to hear her voice again.
I'm going to meet her sometime soon.
Can I be more irrational?
I have decided. I have given up on the thought of moving on le..at least for now. I never wanted to move on anyway..its just that it was the rational/necessary thing. Perhaps, its still the 'right' thing to do..but I'm not going to do it..
I like her...a lot...and she needs a strong emotional support system for this period..so my heart says there's only one choice here..be there for her..you want to...Of course,I'm not that selfless...she gave me that glimmer of hope again..and I just need that bit of hope to sustain me...perhaps I'm really silly...but I want to believe and try for this last time.
I don't want to be a rebound...I won't be pushing for anything..I don't even think I'm expecting anything(I really will love to be together with her..but I'm not expecting that to happen)..I'm just going to be there for her..That's the plan for now at least..until perhaps..it gets unbearable..but I'm actually surprised at the amount of pain I can take..I'm surprised at my staying power..I'm surprised at how much joy I feel when she's happy...and how much pain I feel when she's sad...
I guess this rollercoaster ride is going to go on for a long long while...shall brace myself for the ride...and try my best to not sink too deeply..as I have found out..Hurt has a bottomless pit..you can never be too hurt...
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