A daily routine

Missing her has become a daily routine for me..I just can't seem to be able to not miss her for even one single day...more often than not, I miss her most at very late hours..for instance, now at 5.10am..while blogging this entry..knowing that I have to wake up at 10am to go to dean's office to collect something and one whole day of studying in sch..sighz..

During the KRMF 2006 appreciation dinner today, Hong's mum asked everyone what type of gal that we are looking for..in my heart, I wanted to say her..yet..I know I can't..anyway..its pretty interesting to talk abt. idealised criteria of the gf/spouse one wants. For me, I mentioned that I will never fall for a lawyer or an accountant..this insistence that these kind of occupations may make a woman undesirable to me should stand the test of time..becos they often have really bz careers and while a lawyer can be too outspoken and articulate, an accountant can be too calculative and meticulous.

A clean break? I was certainly not wishing for one..hoping that she will still be in my life..and somehow she is still in my life..guess she didn't have the heart to just cut me off totally from her life..she sms-ed me a lame forwarded sms,prompting me to send her back an equally lame one,then one personalised sms..n one more back from me..n end of interaction... A simple short exchange of 2 sms-es actually gave me a short term release from my own missing her..yet my rational self knows this is not good for my long term recovery..judging by my daily routine of missing her...what recovery am I talking abt.?

I really want to recover..I really want to be geniunely happy again..yet I can't help myself from missing her more and more..

Sometimes, I wish I never knew her....
Sometimes, I wish I can don't wake up

6am

Sleepless at 6am..sighz...I should be damn tired after a long day..yet I can't sleep...at the break of dawn..the feeling of missing her increased..noone to chat to, mind too exhausted to be occupied, all i can do now is to surf around aimlessly,writing this blog entry and trying to tire myself..the 2 cans of heinenken that I had tonite didn't prove to be much of a comfort, when I got the really happy surprise from the Dean's Office that I got selected for the Mentorship program because an alumnus from the civil service decided to participate in this program and I am selected to be the mentee, the first person I want to break the news to was her. I wanted to share my joys with her and I did, I sms-ed her, apologizing for the one-off decision to break the enforced decision to not care for each other anymore, I wanted her to share my happiness..sighz..after her congratulations and another take care sms...I am back to face this reality of life without her...its sinking in...

The bottom line is I miss her.......a lot....

closure...

Her,
hi, Yanwei. I'm sorry to have to say this to u, but think we shouldn't care for each other anymore. It kinda affects me. yeah, hope u'd understand. take care.

A sms, an enforced outcome, a decision taken and an end. Sighz..now I can't even care for her as a friend, that really hurt....my heart is actually having this piercing pain that I have never experienced in my life...it pains me so much to not be able to care anymore, to control myself from sms-ing her again, to stop myself from caring, to stop myself from wanting to care..can I really not care anymore? I don't even have that option avaliable to contemplate the possibility of failing to achieve that.

I guess we can't even be friends anymore, I guess I will never hear from her again. She changed her blog address 3 weeks back when it was over, now I have changed my blog address becos we can't even be friends anymore.

I always knew that the person who can cause you the most hurt, conversely can bring you the most joys too. Guess, this is the last time that she will cause any more hurt in my life. Guess, this is the last phase of the recovery process that I have to go through. A phase that I didnt expect to go through..the reality of not even having her as a friend and not been able to care anymore.

Sighz..why must it hurt so much? I am still unable to delete her sms-es and her photos from my phone..maybe I can do it months from now when I have finally recovered...yet I hope I can don't do that because those were the only things that can still remind me about her and memories are things that others can't take away.

Long day..

What a long day I had...woke up at 10am to mug for American history test, then meals,travel time to school n finally the fateful test at 6pm...an easy paper..open book somemore..yet..I failed to take advantage of it and had to crap the paper because I couldn't finish revision..sighz..2nd assesment of the sem and feeling dissatisfied again..sighz...fingers crossed..it dun turn out too badly...I have a International Politics of Southeast Asia test on friday worth a pathetic 5 percent..and a Intro. to World History midterm essay due this friday that the profs just assigned today during lecture...is NUS going to kill me or what? Damn...I'm trying my best to catch up already lah...give me a break can..nvm...I will give myself a break..bleahz..as you will see in the next paragraph..lol

Had dinner at Pepper Lunch Orchard, caught a glimpse of the fireworks at Esplanade, had a couple of pints of Heinenken at Harrys Boat Quay, played pool at Parkway Parade,shopped at Mustafa, went Changi Airport with friends to pick up another air stewardess friend off work n supper at Siglap HK cafe...and finally reached home at 6am and blogging this entry 30 mins later...what a long long day...

All this on a tuesday nite..whoa..thank god I only have lessons at 4pm later...Okie..I had my very long break...now time to get down to real work with the two assignments due on friday and see whether I can squeeze in time for readings for the 3 tutorials on thursday....shucks...I realised..I am so so so busy can....damn...and I need to enjoy my social life..looking forward to drinking at fort canning live music bar on saturday...another well-deserved break...and more alcohol...lol...

* Focus, urgency, expectations, demands and concentration- Where did all of you go? To go M.I.A. without permission is strictly prohibited..so please come back before you face further disciplinary actions...lol..sighz..

Once upon a time..

Once upon a time, basketball was not only a passion but an integral part of my life, now it reminds me of my operation scars and plays a peripheral part.

Once upon a time, I believe in the essentially good nature of humans and kindness will be repaid in kind, now this has proven to be a myth and one needs to learn how to protect himself in the vast jungle out there where only the fittest survives.

Once upon a time, I was untainted, innocent, anti-vices and perceived the world in black and white terms, now I question the concept of truth and norms, pondering over the greyness of issues and burning my life away with cigarettes.

Once upon a time, I was close to my best friend, seeing each other a few times every week, sharing every secret and exploring life as a teenager together, now we are drifting apart due to extraneous factors and different life experiences.

Once upon a time, I loved a gal and thought she was the gal who I want and need for the rest of my life, now she's happily married and we maintains a hi-bye friendship.

I have grown up...and how things have changed, William Blake was right, childlike innocence once lost can never be recovered..

Comforted...

LArLiN says:
really hope to get the old yanwei back soon.

Nine simple words...it lifted me instantly...even for a moment..

My old self according to dearest Lailin

LArLiN - ...,, says:
chirpy
LArLiN - ...,, says:
cheerful
LArLiN - ...,, says:
sunny
LArLiN - ...,, says:
always manage to light my days up despite being a super irritating creep.

Haha...her response to my request to describe my old self brought me even more laughter...I miss the days when I can summon enough mood to suan her. She has been playing the role of aunt agony for quite some time...just wanna use this chance to thank you, Aunt Lailin. Give me time and you will have your old yanwei back. Cheers to more suaning. lol

Issues

This must be one of the most trying periods in my life, everything just seem to be happening and I am so tired....I wish I could just run away from all this and not face all these issues...

Best Friend

My best friend's work permit got rejected and have to fly back to Malaysia. I won't be able to see him much around anymore and seeing him so confused about his own future and me unable to do anything to help him just sucks. I will not forget you, Andrew and I pray that you don't forget me too. My best friend for 10 years, take care.

Relationships

My buddy just broke up with a gal he love deeply but the problems just seem to be so insurmountable.
My good friend is still suffering from a rejection from a gal he likes.
Two more close friends are not recovering from their hearbreaks despite the fact that months have passed, apparently time can't heal all wounds(or even a few wounds).

Etc, etc, etc, sighz...everyone around me seems to be going through shit...damn it....

Academic stuff

I hate to be a mute during tutorials, I want to regain my confident self during tutorials again. I need to catch up on all the readings that I have neglected before I can speak up more again. Arraggz...all the assignment datelines are closing in. Yanwei, if you don't buck up, you are going to feel worse than hell. Suddenly the possibility of failure haunts..everyone seems to be expecting that I will do well, get good grades and fare well...at this moment I feel that I'm closer to a first class seat to hell then a first class honours...I am so screwed...

Her

I know she still reads my blog, maybe I should change my blog address...how I wish I could still read her blog, how I wish I could still care for her like in the past..but that's such a receipe for disaster. I still miss her yet I need to make the rational choice of not doing anything in order to not be hurt even more. I really don't noe what I want and cant control my actions and thoughts sometimes...but the bottom line is since she's back with her boyfriend, I do need to get over her....

Rant,rant,rant...must be the lack of sleep...going to have as much sleep as I want tonite...tmr will be a better day, I hope..(sometimes, false hope is better than no hope)

Its over

Its over. Its the end. Will we even be friends in the future? Will I see her again? Life always provides me with questions that I can't answer. Yet, the pain is setting in and I need to break the routine of waking up to her sms-es, looking forward to hearing her voice on the phone, looking at her photos while missing her, yearning for the unfulfilled dream of listening to her playing the song Right Here Waiting for me. All these have to be consigned to history and memories and my feelings for her to the bin. If only it doesn't hurt so much...yet it hurt a lot and still hurt.

I have always been one to go to the extremes and turning to nicotine and alcohol for theraupatic purposes seems to be harmful or foolish to say the least. But, I always knew I needed to turn to the extreme at the very start to kickstart my own recovery process. I got very drunk at my buddy's house,smoked, cried, wallow, talked nonsense, listened to advices and finally ended up with a massive hangover that is still present while typing this blog entry. Yet at the end of the day, I finally felt much better. The hangover had a desirable impact of overriding any other emotions. The drinking session provided me an avenue for release.

I will be fine, I will recover, I will find my focus back...I can't wallow in sadness for too long.
Thanks to all my friends who showed me lots of care and concern and who will continue showing me even more care and concern. I will be fine. The real battle has only just started....