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Its over. I want it to be over. She went back to her bf again..not totally unexpected, but it hurts a hell lot, what hurts even more is my decision to put a swift end to this rollercoaster ride, I requested and emphasized my need for a complete break from her, no sms, no e-mails, no phone-calls, no msn, nothing, I will never ever contact her again, she agreed not to contact me again too..I hope she don't contact me..because, I may just cave in and succumb. I do not want to be stuck in the quagmire again. Hurt is becoming a feeling that is too often felt. Perhaps, all these hurt felt can condition myself to a faster route of recovery.
How can you be a stranger to someone whom you care so much about? When the hurt felt don't make you hate her but make you feel that you asked for it? How can one suddenly not care anymore? How...? In fact, in our 3plus hour of msn conversation just now, we ended on such an amicable note, there were of course heartwrenching moments but there were also lighthearted and cheerful moments that made giving up so hard.
You know, this is like the fourth time that this decision is taken, but never ever in the past did I tell her to be cruel. To not contact me in whatever form ever. To not reply to any forms of contact from me if I relapse. My heart has died. Not a single tinge of idealistic hope that we will be together exists anymore. A pity that it is not numb yet. The pain is like an old-time wound been bruised and bloodied again, adding salt onto the old wound and adding new ones. She never fail to increase my pain felt everytime she hurt me. Perhaps, the more pain felt each time also represents the deeper I sink.
I told her I will always remember her as the little girl with a sweet blush, will only remember the angel in her and will never forget her. Its true, I have always managed to defend her actions towards me, her thoughts, her feelings, the situation she faces. I don't blame her, I don't hate her, I asked for it.
I am moving on. Let this be the last time I said this. I am moving on. Damn you, Yanwei, don't renege on your decision again, even if she break up again with her bf, you two are just not meant to be, don't even bother thinking about any possibility of getting together with her in future. Don't ever be that dumb again.
Its sinking in...we are going to be strangers.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
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4 comments:
you're strong. tell yourself that.
it's time that you gave yourself this amount of me time.
good luck~
good luck!
Yeah, starting out is always easy, the joy and the excitment of knowing a person, the new and 'interesting' thinkg s about her.... as times goes by you will see her flaws.. you bear with it if it is not too big a deal.. but in this case.. we all know that that it is a crime to yourself if you over look it..let go...it is letting go that is tuff... but as you run away , your FATS will turn to muscles.(haha) you will be stronger .let go, run away.grow muscles..
my dear cousin,
after reading your sorrowful encounter, i did feel hurt for you. i can also understand that kind of pain that you're going through. just remember it's not the end of the world. There are going to be more loads of gals out there who can appreciate you and love you. Just hang on and try moving on. those who don't appreciate you, just leave them out of your world. i believe you can be strong. And you're going to prove it to me right? there are always ups and downs in life, so what matter most is that you can see the clear picture and arrive at a decision and never make the mistakes again. people who are trying to lead you on are just not worth it. Pack all your sorrowness and throw it in the bin right away! Jia You!
Yours sincerely,
renfeng
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