a month

It has been a month. A month into my recovery period. A month with absolutely no contact with her. She kept her word, I kept my resolve. In this period, bouts of missing her come and go. Mood swings, sometimes, I get into this really anti-social mood that I just don't want to see anyone, just want to be holed up in my room and seek solace in solitude. Other times, I derive such comfort in just hanging around people, especially close friends. I like that closeness, that feeling of just being able to be yourself, to say what you want, to do as you like, not needing to put on a facade, not needing to say more and they understand.

Yes, I miss her, but I miss the old yanwei more.
The one with less mood swings
The one who has so much drive and confidence in his work.
The one who don't procrastinate as much as I do now.
The one who gives a black face for a B+ for his essays and tests.
The one who takes lots of pride in his work.
The one who's always vocal in class.
The one who sees tests, essays and exams as fun.
The one who respects school as a battlefield and derive joy from it being a playground.

sighz..where is he..I wonder..? Where has that warlord gone? Where's that drive? I guess, fighting a losing war plays a really major part in this lack of motivation. When there's no margin for error, when a first class honours dream seems inevitably going to end mathematically after this sem, the level of commitment and desire is lacking.

I'm sure, this commitment, desire and drive will be back though...as long as I continue my recovery process..the old yanwei will be back. I still need a really good 2nd upper class to stand a chance of getting the teaching assistant scheme in RSIS if I do pursue a masters. I still harbour hope of doing a doctorate in the Ivy League Universities. Though I'm sure, ANU(ranked suprisingly 6th in world's university ranking for social sciences, NUS is ranked 11th in this ranking) will accept me though. :) But, I want an American postgraduate education for my PHD!!!