cognitations

Recently, my best friend, Andrew told me that he's impressed with me. For what I have achieved thus far- a good paying job and a car. Hardy, another very good friend of mine has also given me that nod of approval which was not easy to come by. While Hong has always held me in high regards, introducing me to his friends as, 'he was the reason why I survived nus'.

Andrew, Hardy and Hong. Three of my closest friends in my life. My estimate of their potential has always been sky high- in other words, the sky is the limit. They are all brillant in their own ways. People whom I don't just hope that they excel in life, but I know they will excel. Sometimes, I get more carried away, looking at their potential than mine, probing them to consider doing things this way or another way. But as with all brillant people, they are quite opinionated as well. With brillant people, you need to be more subtle in your approach when they start getting all irrational and overboard (yes, andrew, I'm referring to you especially). For the flaws present in every individual can condemn them to mediocrity, which is such a waste for these three men.

Frankly, I often ask myself this question, 'what is my potential in life?', 'how far can I go?' and 'when will i ever be satisfied?'. While I am still searching for answers to all these questions, that self-constructed myth-like belief in my capabilities has eroded. I know I am smarter, better than most of my peers, but I am not contented. Yet, I know that I should have no complaints. My potential at this point in life has brought about tangible rewards and probably the best possible scenario and I could not really ask for more. Asking for more to some is like not knowing how lucky you are. But, trust me, luck is never the vital ingredient to success, hard work and a focused mind is what matters most.

My awareness of my limitations has been heightened since I entered the working world. Limitations that I must overcome before I can go to the next level that I want to reach. To pursue my dreams and to become a better man. Yet, I wonder whether I have the energy and determination to overcome the limitations. Sometimes, inertia will sink in, comfort will lull you into complacency and defeats will sap your confidence. 'There is only so much a man can achieve', a saying that I heard in various renditions. I have been guilty of that too, succumbing to what 'fate' has attributed me to. But, they are not seeing the whole picture. Dreamers are the shakers and movers of this world. The realists are often reduced to maintaining the status quo.

I can sense how my thought process, goals in life and perspectives are undergoing rather not-so-subtle paradigm changes. The flawed fundamental assumptions that I had held on dearly in life has been exposed to their bones and proven to be fallacies that ought long to be corrected. Rather than an evolutionary process, the paradigm changes are coming at a rather rapid pace, not allowing me to catch a breather and be accustomed to changes. Yet I like the new me. Even if I don't know what I really want now. Even if my taste in women are changing beyond my utter control. Even if I cannot clearly articulate to myself or others why I am feeling the way I am feeling and what am I really trying to convey. I know, one day, all the pieces are going to fall nicely in place. No, I'm not been deterministic here, but I have faith in my abilities to embrace the necessary changes and to be clear about my objectives in life.

Perhaps, the greatest difficulty that I may have is to be realistic, stay rooted and yet aim for the sky. That balance is rather hard to achieve. 'More haste, less speed', the saying goes. If possible, I do not want the long winding road to end up in a dead end, but to take detours to reach that goal which will bring me to contentment. Yet, the pitfall seems to be the tendency to want more, after you have acheived something. 'more and more and more', when will this vicious cycle ends? Sometimes, I have no answers to that, other times, I get agonizingly close to achieving what I want and yet fell by the sidelines at the last moment. Perhaps, the moon is that illusion which I am always chasing, when the stars represent that tangible rewards where I should stop and give myself some credit for.