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* What lies ahead is an incoherent ranting that does not make for easy reading.
Its 5am again. It seems like this is my favorite timing to pen some of my thoughts. Maybe, the inner turmoil that I have been going through for the past few weeks dies down at around this timing of the day. The last lap of the nite, the break of dawn nears, the sun rises and a whole new day begins. This daily occurances do amaze me, this is one of the most amazing things in life. To be able to experience this on a daily basis should suffice....no?
Fatma told me again and again, 'Life is as complicated as I made it out to be.', I'm starting to visualize this point more and more. Why do I have the tendency to complicate life itself? Life can be just simple, cant it? Yet, I feel that the complexies of life will haunt me, has haunted me since eons ago. I might have just lost that childlike innocence that Blake keeps preaching about. He's right, childlike innocence once lost, can never be recovered. Or am I still stubbornly clinging on to one part of me that remains as a child and yet can't reconcile that with my own rational thinking. For thinking with the brain is a whole different matter from thinking with the heart, maybe one should apply rationality to everything. Maybe one should exercise caution and discretion when doing anything and everything. Yet, deep down, I know I dont want that part to be lost, I want to be irrational at times, I want to be able to feel. I try my hardest to be desensitized, very hard, because I just can't look at the world and only see its bad points. I tear at movies, often silently with noone even noticing, autobiographies during times of wars and chaos, others misfortunes..yet I know there is only so much stuff that I can receive from the dark side. People are dying as and when I'm typing this blog entry or when you are reading this..yet I remained obsessed with the myopic picture of me, myself and my problems. Sometimes, I find that very ironic, isn't it already a blessing that I am alive... I remembered telling wan ting, that I can't change the world, I'm just an ordinary man, but she told me something along the lines, that you can, as long as you made a difference in another person's life and you did make a difference in mine. And so, what are some of my self-reflections of my small, negligible problems in life?
I feel like a rubber band, stretched and stretched and stretched until it snapped without me knowing. It has snapped, I realised, the outburst that happened was not just a one-off thing, its more of a long term building up process. I realised that my efforts(which is a hell lot) is not exactly bringing me that intellectual fulfilment that I am looking for. That sense of assurance, that comfortability and that ease has gone missing. I'm confused, I'm feeling an additional, unnecessary weight of stress and burden that seems to have no outlet for release. Even after completing like 200over pages of readings for one topic, my brain signals to me, there's so much more to know, this is the tip of the iceberg, you still have no access to the whole picture and this is starting to frighten me....yet, my bias towards the readings of some modules over another have left me in a precarious position that I'm far behind in readings for others. I simply do not have the time for my studies(which I value a lot) and my social life(heavily circumscribed le)....
That unnecessary pressure also arose from that excessive pride of mine. People who know me well knows that this is my biggest merit and my biggest flaw. My dream has ended, but the bruised ego remains brusied. Its like crying out for attention, asking me to soothe it, to make it feel better. To bring it the success that it craves and that means tangible results, grades in this instance. For the bruised ego insists that not meeting my own potential(however, overrated this concept is) is bad enough, to continue to underperform is even a worse sin. Coupled with that almost mythical belief in my own ability to perform, to get that A grade that I craves, this just feels like a double whammy, making failure seems like an unthinkable thing, making mediocrity appears as a non-option.
But it is just so contradictory, this kind of unnecessary, counterproductive and incessant pressure has clouded my analytical skills,made writer's blocks seems more certain, made the formulation of ideas tough and made absorption difficult, it has even affected my motivation level. I am grappling with it at the moment, trying to make life easier again for things will be much easier when you are not obsessed with something and allows you to take a step back and see things in a different light.
And no, I'm not like just fighting a war on one front, its actually two fronts. Isnt that the worst senarios that every warlord, every leaders of the nations fears? The fear of encirclement, the fear of entrapment and of course the fear of defeat.
My irrational, emotional self took a hit today. It hurts, but I guess the hurt is good. For if you don't suffer pain, how would you know what is joy? It serves as an awakening. I shall cease to care as much as my heart wants me to. Inadvertantly, I'm actually causing that person some unnecessary troubles. It puts a drain on me too, needing to take time off other kinds of worries that is actually bothering me. I felt dispensible...maybe I am not dispensible, but that feeling sure did strike me and perhaps I am dispensible. I guess, fading into oblivion seems a viable alternative isn't it, for there's no point in caring so much and making life tough for myself. I shall keep myself preoocupied with all the stuff that I have on hand now. Haiz...
What a long entry, blogging does have its therapeutic effects. I guess, in this journey in life, there are times when people will fall by the sidelines, needing a reality check and just some time to clear their thoughts.