academic ramblings/future?

As the clock ticks ever closer to my hell weeks-3 presentations(only 1 that is on my 20 page essay), 3 20 page essays, 1 5 page primary document analysis, 1 history term essay, I seriously need to get my engine started again. Been going on 2nd or third gear and not full speed so far...I like studying..yet, the stuff I'm studying can be really depressing at times...

Noam Chomsky exposed the really sucky side of US foreign policy and affected my love for the United States of America. I am a product or should I say, a victim of US cultural hegemony. I look at the US and see in it, the wonderful(yet propagandistic) products of hollywood, the American Dream, the lovely values such as democracy and human rights as epitomized by the Wilson's Fourteen Points and FDR's Atlantic Charter. Yet,my replies and criticism to Noam's book in my book review was so weak, I couldn't defend America after he listed all the atrocities of US FP..haiz, still I hold on to my love for US because things can get so much worse...

Studying about the dictators of Europe can be so depressing, I keep reading about the millions of people dying under Stalin, Mussolini been exposed as all style not much substance and I'm going to come into contact again with my favorite dictator soon, Adolf Hitler. Though, of course, the emphasis would be again on how he cause the Holocaust and his follies that led to his downfall. Not that I don't know anything about the evils of these dictators, its the incessant emphasis on their wrongdoings that is leading to a kind of intellectual fulfilment yet emotional depression.

For my module under my favorite Prof Alan Chong, I am again lost in outer space. I know I love that feeling of getting lost, and that's because out of all my modules this sem or even in nus so far, only Prof Chong could get me lost. I wonder is it due to my respect or admiration for him that I can't seem to be able to speak with conviction. Always looking at the lectures with a belief that I know too little to comment, when I know that I know so much more than other students in the class who speaks up. Needing to speak up, yet not having the confidence to(only in this module), its such a puzzling paradox that I have to come to terms with. I really really appreciate Prof Chong's lectures though for I learn so much, and I mean really a lot under him. He is the person who make me know that even at honours level, the knowledge that I possess is still not enough. And not many other profs are as inspiring as he is. My last module under him and with such a remote possibility that I will have him as my HT supervisor, I am just going to soak into this last chance of education under him.

I'm doing a paper on North Korea for regional security. And my grand theory just collapsed recently with the summit meeting(as already mentioned). That illustrates to me the fact that my realist orientation need some relaxation and I cannot be blinded by it.

Studying about the political parties and elections in Asia so far also made me realised that democracy as an ideal is just impossible. Politics is about power and not exactly about the people. Yet, of course, comparative political scientists are always exploring ways to provide models that might benefit a country more than the present system. But, the main goal of politicians ain't about finding the perfect system, they are concerned, first and foremost with gaining power or staying in power. They say politics is dirty. They are right.

Disillusioned? No, perhaps, I'm just tired. Tired at the feeling of experience and knowledge taking the place of innocence and ideals. Though I'm not ruling out doing a masters just yet, I must say I'm edging ever closer to working life. I just feel that taking a break from academia will serve me better. I want to feel that I'm making a difference. I don't want ideas to stay as ideas. Arguments that sound good on paper may just be that, plain theory. I feel that strong need to make a difference in people's life, in policy formulation, even if that difference is not great. Again, not ruling out working in the private sector, my passion for the civil/public service is getting so much stronger. This must be due to my education and my experience via my internships and mentorship. I just can't see myself working for profit as a bottomline. I want to be able to work for the public good. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of Singaporeans. To serve for this country I love, this appeals to me. A product of good national education? :p Perhaps, but this is my home.

Of course, I can't wait for the financial independence that I will get when I start working. I can see my car in the horizons, going for the many plays and musicals that I always want to go, visiting Old Trafford, going for overseas holidays and just enjoy life as a yuppie.