My e-mail to my prof.

I don't usually do this..but I am damn pissed now...so I shall publish my e-mail (with the elimination of some sensitive details) sent to my prof in regards to my pathetic grade that I got for his module..I believe I have a strong case for a review..

Hi Sir,

I am Pang Yan Wei, Political Science Major Year 3. I am very disappointed at the grade(B-) that I got for your module PS(code name) (title of module) which I took last semester and I found it necessary to e-mail you to try to understand the reasons for my appalling final grade for this module. I believe my CA which comprised 40percent of the assessment for this module was either an A- or an A considering that I have gotten an A grade for the 20percent essay assignment, an A- for the 5percent test, attended all four tutorials and did a relatively ok if not impressive presentation. I understand that the bell curve for this module is understandably high with the high grades awarded both for the essay assignment and the test for most of the students. However, I do not think I performed badly for the final exam as I actually found the final exam easy and this was actually my most confident module. Though I know that quantity does not represent quality, I would like to mention that I actually used two booklets for this paper and tackled the questions with gusto and confidence.If I did not remember wrongly, I actually started my last question on the second booklet.

I have also been a conscientious and hardworking student in NUS where the B- grade that I attained for your module was the worst ever grade that I have ever been awarded in NUS so far.This is also the first time I ever received a B- grade for any module that I have taken, I must express my utter disbelief and disappointment at this final grade awarded to me upon this module. Furthermore, I have shown consistent performance in all my Political Science modules that I have taken so far. My PS Major cap score for ten modules(excluding your module) taken so far in NUS is 4.1 and besides PS2237 Introduction to International Relations which I attained a B grade,I have been consistently attaining B+s and A-s for all my other PS modules.

I hope that my e-mail to you did not (sound,* typo in original e-mail) rude or disrespectful and I offer my sincere apologies if this e-mail had offended you in any way. Though I am not in the position to question your assessment or even ask you for any explanation or clarification for my final grade in this module, I hope that you will consider my case for this grade to be reviewed. I will be submitting the application for the review of the examination result for this module through the proper channels in the next few days. However, I understand that there will not be any remarking of the examination scripts through this process and I will also not be given an opportunity to look at my examination scripts. Though I hope that there is a possible mistake in the calculation of the marks for this module, I know that there is only a slim chance of that happening. I will love to have the opportunity to meet you in person to discuss upon this issue if you are free over the next few days(except friday afternoon where I have an appointment with my mentor from MCYS Feedback Unit).

Thanks for the time and effort in reading this e-mail. Hope to hear from you soon.

With regards,
Yanwei

Sighz..in instances like this, I can only lament about the closed and rigid system of examination review that NUS operates by..why can't we be given as much transparency as overseas universities?! For instance, my friend Li Wei who studies in University of Melbourne told me that in his university, its a common practise and norm to let the students view the examination scripts. Everything is kept transparent and this should be the right way about it.

I am not going to publish my Prof's reply to me as I believe that this is not right as his correspondance to me should be kept private and to my knowledge..I just hope he will provide me with an explanation as to why I got this pathetic appalling grade and also that through the opaque examination review system(I still have to pay 10 dollars,damn it) get the grade that I deserved.

I don't like the fact that my first class honours dream is ended this way by a rude surprise and coupled with the unprofessional examination leak by NUS a couple of weeks ago(that gave me pyschological discomfort), I am appalled by the unprofessionalism shown by a supposedly world class institution.

I have finally done it...

Still having a bit of hangover from the consumption of alcohol at the Christmas eve party last nite..last nite her sms-es prompted me to drink more..she thanked me for the presents,said she was really touched and didn't expect it..but shouldn't say too much..n ten minutes ago she sms-ed me to tell me my presents were meaningful n thoughtful and that she will fufill my Christmas wish..that is to use the journal as her diary(I sms-ed her this while heavily intoxicated, I'm kinda a loser ain't I,sighz..but I really wish I could still share her deepest thoughts n worries n be there..since I can't do that..its really comforting to me that she will use the journal as her diary)..

Guess what's my reply(perhaps the last or the last few) to her polite thank you sms, I replied, ' =) okie, dun think I will hear from u anymore,so yup, take care.' I sound mean and if I follow my heart..I will never say something like that..but I do need to face up to reality..I do not want to wallow in saddness anymore..I do not want to sink deeper and deeper..I have decided not to dig my own grave le..n I think she also wants me to get her out of my system..its for my own good..

She's right..sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind..if only she was cruel enough at the start of september where my recovery process should have started and I been strong enough to not fall back into a relapse and actually grew more dependent on her for emotional support here n then..I might have already had recovered.

However, I don't hold any regrets..just that I'm finally tired of been silly and its really better to move on le. I have finally done it..I have finally deleted n blocked her on msn..there will no longer be any temptation to talk to her online or feel the need to ask her about her mood swings n stuff..because what you can't see won't affect you..

It hurts..almost as much as writing her Christmas card and trying to sound chirpy..but this time round..I did the right thing...I am finally going to move on..

I got my jog! heh~

5am..Its cold..the rain had finally stopped. Looking at the sky,the time and my empty cigarette box, I thought to myself,'what the hell, I shall go for my jog!' and I went...

The cold breeze pierced the skin, the wet floors had a glossy shine,the raindrops fell gently upon my tired self, the weird stares spoke a common language, this was a jog that I would never forget.

An easing of the mind, a release of pent up emotions and a punishment upon the body made the jog worth the hassle.

At the break of dawn, in my hazy sanctuary,it is time to sleep. Tommorow will be a better day.

when was the last time my heart aches so much?

When was the last time my heart aches so much? I wonder...it just sucks isn't it..life shouldn't be like that..yet I know my heart will ache even more when I write her christmas card tmr..She screwed my mind again..hopefully for the final time..really hopefully...I mean..sighz..its really bad timing to suddenly msn me to say we have to talk n stuff the nite after I bought her christmas presents..must she be so cruel to me..must heaven plays such stunts on me..some of her words just pierced my heart...I guess she finally grew tired of fishing n decided its time to let this fish go into the ocean..I guess she thinks that its better to hurt the fish badly n expect him to survive alone..she makes it pretty clear that she wants me out of her life..she can be so cruel...so cruel to make me dread talking to her...

Ok..I shall bear with my heartache n just be dumb for one last time. I will try to write how I feel on the christmas card conveying as little pain that I'm feeling as possible. I will also be nice n angelic enough to make sure that I don't linger around in her life since she wants me to disappear..

* My closest friends,pls remind me to block n delete her from my msn list by 1 jan 2007. I will try to cope with the 500 over sms-es n her pictures in my hp another time..Its going to be over soon...it is...

Let me be silly but happy for this christmas..I'm going to get really drunk on christmas eve..yay...n perhaps for the last time be replying to her sms-es either on christmas eve or christmas...

Somehow....I still want her to be happy..somehow..I still miss her laughs,her blushes,her smiles, her voice..somehow..I guess she will always be special to me...but somehow..the dream is ending...finally ending..though I dun want it to end..I have no choice...its over...dude..its over..face it..dude..face it..face it whether u like it or not...be a man..

This is the last time I will ever be so dumb again. Mark my words..She will be the one n only gal that I am so dumb to...

Friends~

I finally met up with Li Wei today. So happy..haha..one of my close clique of friends whom I know since sec 3..we had so many fun times in the past..(we are not gays,k). The feeling's just so magical because I had expected there to be a distance becos we haven't seen each other since 2004..where that idiot went off to australia to study without notifying..#%&^*..oh well..I'm so glad that despite different life experiences n stuff,we managed to click like old times and just talk about anything and everything..I laughed so much today..haha

Ok..besides appreciating my friends more..I realised that I ain't that anti-social these days..I am starting to feel that I am socializing more and actually enjoy knowing new pple..one instance will be yesterday where I met Shuyi and her cell group mates..I feel so at ease with talking and knowing her cell group mates(some whom I saw and talked to b4,some new faces.) Perhaps its becos they really tried their best to make me feel at home and also becos Shuyi is just so sweet that I totally feel good hanging out around her...

Oh well..friends must be one of the best gifts in life. :) Though sometimes one is bound to drift apart and even lose some friends in life..but the ones whom u hold close to your heart will often always be there for you and the ones whom u lost will still leave great memories behind.

a thought provoking dim sum buffet~

I had dim sum buffet with Hardy today and we had a nice lengthy chat. My mind is still in a whirlwind since the buffet. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about some points in the conversation over dim sum....sometimes, it does take a close friend(more than 10years of friendship) to bring a different perspective to your already well-framed mindset.

1. In the conversation, I realised how unreceptive my mind is to ideals and principles that are opposite to mine, I do need to open up my mind a lot more and be more receptive to alternative viewpoints.

2. With regards to my career goals in life,it seems an inevitable reality that the next step in life after completing my university education is the civil service. Be it, the Singapore Administrative Service(if I get my first class honours) or the Ministry of Foreign Affairs(my dream) or other branches such as MHA-ISD,PMO-NSCS or MINDEF-SID,it just seems to be so natural to me. I feel that the civil service will not only reward my hard work in the academic realm but also provides me with a conducive environment to apply my skills and perhaps knowledge learnt in my training as a political scientist. I am sure that I will be able to lead a comfortable life with the civil service. But its unlikely that I will be really rich if I stay in the civil service. Somehow, my chat with Hardy always makes me ponder. I will never forget what he said to me when I told him I will be satisfied with 7-8k per month in the future. He said,'Hey,why are you aiming for so little?' Of course, Hardy didn't mean to be offensive, its just that to him, the sky's the limit and to aim to buy a boeing plane(64million dollars) and setting up businesses and exploring ways to earn money(whether through stocks or other investment plans) just seems so natural to him.

I seriously believe that Hardy will be able to buy a boeing plane one day,just like with my best friend Andrew,they just seems to be able to reach for the sky while I am contented to be just gazing from the earth,looking with envy at their achievement. Not jealous(hopefully) but envious. I'm starting to wonder whether I will be contented with the career/life plans that I have drawn up for my life ahead...hmm...guess at the end of the day,I am a pragmatic realist who likes his comfort zone a lot. Success is always a relative term and I guess people's definition of success and life goals will change as they grow older..I just hope that I will stay contented with my achievements in life.

3. In terms of the touchy issue about love and relationship,I think the most important lesson that Hardy tried to teach me today is to have control. Control over your emotions, control over the irrational thoughts and feelings. Some pointers that Hardy mentioned that got me thinking.

a. A gal doesn't need a girlfriend. It won't mean a thing for you to be the one she turn to when she's down n all for comforting words..a gal needs a leader and someone she can depend on.(I think its better to find a balance? I'm not sure..think I can be too nice for my own gd..haha)
b. Commitment and honesty are the fundamental principles for a relationship to work.(hmm..commitment yes..but complete honesty? I still think a white lie now and then is beneficial.)

Hmm...I guess I will still be thinking and pondering over the stuff that was discussed today for a long time to come...I don't think I will come to concrete conclusions about anything anytime soon..

mood swing

Its bad..I can't help it..the moment I know she's a bit down..I feel down too..I so want to just call her to tell her its ok..I will be there for you n stuff..I so want to be the first one to know her problems..I just want to make sure she's happy n stuff..but I cant do that..only via the most useless kind of technology, the sms that I can show my concern..I feel helpless...

Why is my mood so overly reliant on her when it has been so long..? Why is she the person that I turned to immediately when I'm feeling very down after my uncle's wake and feeling all so guilty when I can't attend the rest of his wake because I got 2 papers that I really need time for..n she hits all the right chords and making me feel so much better n focused for my exams..

When she sms-ed me something like,'you are the last person I had ignore'..its sweet and painful all at the same time..I can't tell her likewise..becos I hope one day I can wake up and ignore her or at least just show concern as a friend..

I guess the cliche,'time can heals all wounds' is crap..noone can help you if you don't want to help yourself.Wake up,Yanwei.

a ceasefire or the end..?

My exams finished yesterday. The poignant feeling of emptiness override the euphoria of freedom..the sweet feeling of freedom is slowly sinking in. Yet this feeling is laced with apprehension about the results of this round of battle. Did I suffer a knockout blow in this round and thus my war has effectively ended or is it just a ceasefire at the 43rd parallel? I certainly hope its the latter..but I do not dare to expect that it would be the latter.

As a very pragmatic and realistic student,I have to admit the fact that I am going to suffer either a minor setback or a total loss in this round of battle. Oh well, I shall just wait for the results to come bah..no pt. thinking abt. it.

Post-exam withdrawal syndromes-
Cutting down on nicotine intake(smoke like nobody's business during this exam period)

Resuming jogging n perhaps even gym-ing routines(need to shed the extra weight put on through the suppers that accompanied all the overnite mugging sessions)

Adjusting myself to a limit in contact with her again.(her exams n my exams gave me n perhaps her plenty of reasons to encourage n spur each other on..I really appreciate the support from her that never fails to pull me up during the exam period..sighz..overreliance on her is not an option..yet...I'm actually looking forward to shopping for her christmas present.)


I think I am going to miss her more during this holiday period given that my focus on the battle is over. Gotta find something to occupy my mind again..apparently alcohol don't appeal so much to me..at least for now..didn't really feel gd abt. the drinking session yesterday..heineken got me down instead of up?! sianz..maybe its the lack of sleep..got one more potluck/drinking session coming up this friday..shall review my inclination towards alcohol after friday..I hate the feeling of getting drunk unless I'm damn sad..

I am the Hierophant

I am the Hierophant(whatever that is,haha). Just like the part on Guardian Angel. As many friends of mine know by now that I have a special liking for the label of angel,haha. Oh well,I'm angelic..lol.

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You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I'm an owl.

I'm an owl,in fact sometimes, I feel I'm a vampire..most active at night and quite lethargic in the afternoon..for the past week..I have slept mostly at the break of dawn,6 plus am or slightly earlier but today, I finally went beyond..typing this blog entry at 8.40am, I am finally feeling tired,going to sleep b4 9am..pretty satisfied with the mugging done today..finally met the optimal level of mugging required in this code red period..must maintain this later when I wake up.

I'm actually in gd mood today,knowing that she finished her exams and thus going to enjoy her holidays have quite an uplifting feeling on me..furthermore..had a really happy 1 hour chat with her just now..and listening to the 2 songs she sent to me via e-mail now..I don't understand why..I really like the songs she like..its weird..is it because she have gd taste in music or is it becos I like her..oh well..at least I'm happy.

A friend mention that flirting is a game and make a brillant analogy with fishing..and that sets my mind going..why am I so willing to be a fish..perhaps..when you really like someone..you lose that bit of rational thinking and sometimes just indulge senselessly in the sweet feeling that only her can bring. I know one day, I have to wake up..but let me be a willing and hopefully happy fish for the moment.I will never allow myself to be a fish to another person again..I think I am learning a lot from this experience...and I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes again(may commit totally opposite ones but definitely not the same ones.)

* Will a fish ever become a fisherman? Unlikely but you never know.

life is so unfair!!~

Manchester United lost to Celtic!!!! Damn it...we fucking dominated the whole freaking match n yet we lost..we even missed a freaking penalty at the end..can someone just kill me..arraggz.....I have not felt so down for such a freaking long time..crappy match...damn it..this bodes ill for chelsea match on sunday...God,pls,PLS bless Man U..I do not want to face any more heartbreak this week...I am freaking pissed, fucking down,pathetically resigned to Manchester United's failure.

Life is just unfair...so what if you treat a person with all your heart..you are still going to be treated as a substitute, as a spare tyre..great..I have been waking up to her sms for like 3 days in a row..I should rejoice, shouldn't I..haha..yah rite..its only becos her bf went overseas for army exercise that she's doing it..oh well...oh..b4 that we have been in contact every other day...yay..so what? she sms me as and when she feel like it, as and when she need it..n me..been the foolish me takes on this considerate self to not tell her i miss her..to not sms her when i want to..haha..yes..life is good isnt it..life is so fantastic..everything happens for a reason..yay..rejoice..woohoo..I just love myself for allowing myself to get all hurt over a person who couldn't care less about me..ok..maybe she does care...but definitely not a lot..

Oh..of cos..to top it off..exam stress..I realised how stressed and lost I was under this mountain load of readings I have only through an exchange of sms...

Min Li sms-ed me, 'Eh.who were the founding fathers? washington, thomas jefferson,james madison, who else?'

Me,'Abraham Lincoln?'

Oh..for goodness sake..what a stupid mistake..Lincoln is a key figure in the American Civil War not the American battle for independence against England...damn..Must be a reflex answer as I was lost in the world of the Civil War reading..when I saw her sms...sighz..its pretty funny at first..but on deeper reflection...yanwei, you better freaking buck up...

Ok..feels so much better after ranting..I can sense that my liking for her is slowly eroded by the persistent ongoing hurt that my heart is suffering...my heart aches so much for the Red Devils now..

* God,pls bless Manchester United to beat Chelsea this sunday and guide me on the path of recovery....

A short fleeting dream..

I dreamt of her just now during my nap..despite the nap been 2 hours..the dream I must say only lasted 1/2 an hour..b4 anyone start thinking off track..it was nothing sexual..sighz...the dream was so beautiful..transplanting my sorrow in real life with her to end with a hug with her that symbolizes hope..sighz..the ironic thing..during the hug itself..I already knew that I was dreaming..my rational self creeped in to tell me that this is not logical..yet I immersed myself fully into it..sighz..

Dreams are so beautiful because they are unlikely to come true.

Ironic that I dreamt of her on the day that I decided to leave matters of the heart alone for the moment to rush my assignment due tommorow..I guess my brain lost to my heart again..as usual..

I have lost enough battles this sem in my war...I am already waking up and ready to put my all in this war(academic goal), but is it too late? Losing the battles this sem is so justified and losing the war seems to be an inevitable fact..sighz..Shall die gloriously after this last push bah..

Will the reenactment of the defence of Stalingrad happens in my case or will I finally meet my waterloo this sem..we shall see.

Thoughts..

Love expects no rewards.

Is she just craving for attention and that's why she still messages me so that she can satisfy that crave? Is she a player? Does she really still need me around? Am I just a spare tyre to her? I hate to say this..but right now, the answers to all that really doesn't matter...the bottom line is I need her..at least..for the moment..

I miss her voice.
I miss her laughters.
I miss her blushes.
I miss her.

Am I in love? I certainly hope not..I want to think of myself as liking her a lot...She brought me so much laughter, joy, sweetness, warmth and perhaps even the feeling of love but why are all that always conditioned with disappointment, sorrow, agony, helplessness and the painful feeling of missing her...

I am happily sad? Am I...or am I just crazy? Or are all the feelings felt now just a fleeting mirage that will clear up with time..

I don't know..I know I need a reality check..with her though..after every reality check..I sink back to the situation b4 the reality check...I guess the most I can do is to limit the hurt and the thing I want most is to know that she's happy and perhaps one day able to hear her laugh n see her blush again..

*Love expects no rewards, is that too idealistic? I wonder...

a lazy sat..

Caught up with much needed sleep..10.30pm(fri) to 12.30noon(sat),then 4.30 to 6.30pm for a nap..the weather was just too tempting..watched Superman Return vcd from 7 plus to 10pm,jogging at 12midnite, 1am watch soccer..amidst all the intervals was online slacking..ok..I 'wasted' another day..but hey..a chinese saying goes, 'resting is to prepare one for walking the longer path'..I vow to study really hard tmr.

Ups and downs, Ups and downs, happy,unhappy,joys,sorrows,they keep coming one after another..making me just tired....

Sighz..friday,saturday,sunday sometimes sucks..becos I know she will be spending much of these days with her bf..which means she won't feel the need to sms/msn me..its always on these days that reality sinks in and I feel like I'm just a spare tyre..

*Noone is indispensible in this world, but I hate the thought that I am dispensible to her. Sighz..

I have fallen in love with this song~

I have fallen in love with this song..

THE ONE YOU LOVE
Glenn Frey, Jack Tempchin

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to
Who will understand what you're going through
When it comes to love, there's no easy answer
Only you can say what you're gonna do
I heard you on the phone, you took his number
Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon
Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?
Isn't he the one who made you blue?
When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gona say when he comes over?
There's no easy way to see this through
All the broken dreams, all the disappointment
Oh girl, what you gonna do?
Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair
But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

a lousy nite

6am..Manchester United got beaten by Southend...just witnessed a giantkilling act on my beloved team..sighz..kudos to the underdogs..arraggz..it never pains me to watch the Red Devils lose...

Lailin said to me, 'Just don't peg your moods to her.' Yah,I need to do that..but could anyone explain to me the joy felt in knowing that she did well in her favorite presentation today? How do one explain the depressing feeling of just wanting to chat more with her when she's online n feel an imagined or real sense of coldness because she's bz doing her other stuff..sighz..I do miss her..I yearn to hear her voice..I could call her..but no..I'm not going to do that..what for..? Trying to keep a distance from her is my way of minimizing hurt..Perhaps..the best way is to sink myself into the seemingly never-ending papers that I have to hand in..and then the exams...

* I wish I can watch the sunrise with her...

Another battle lost in the war~

I completed my ethnicity n religion essay 2 hours ago,40minutes b4 submission time and send it over to my friend to hand in for me since he had to hand in the same essay and he reached ps dept at 5.12pm and to his horror, the pigeon hole was already empty and the prof wasn't in his office. 12 mins late and if the prof is going to penalize me for that, he's going to be number 1 on my hate list. Sighz..the thing is he's a pretty particular prof that he can be quite anal at times..true..its my fault that the submission was late but for 12 mins..darn..

Anyway, the essay was not a masterpiece, nothing to be proud of, failed to match my expectations so even without the possible penalty, it was not going to be an A grade essay..sighz..another battle lost in the war for a first class honours. Because of my slip-ups in the first half of the sem, there's already no margin for error and yet, I failed to manage my time well enough to do justice to my work. I hate it when I know I lost the battle because of my own efforts..

Fighting a losing war,losing another battle in the war, is the war a foregone conclusion with the battles already lost so far? Needing to take the day off and pick myself up for the battles that are looming ahead. I will not give up until the war is lost. As long as there is a slim chance of winning the war, I will march on.

* Dreams may be dreams, but I'm still dreaming of doing my PHD in Harvard, Cambridge or Oxford and the minimum criteria for that dream-a first class honours.

destressed

Its so amazing how she make me feel destressed...i was so stressed b4 i chatted with her online..but she made me feel so much better..perhaps its the brackets that she uses..perhaps its her writing style..perhaps its becos she's a pyschology major..but i think ultimately its becos its her..its just her..she's my drug...for now...

I miss the days when I am a boy...

I miss the days when I can indulge myself in the world of dragonball cards and comics and forget about the whole world.
I miss the days when I play basketball and soccer almost everyday and not worry about what that might do to my studies(except for my favorite subject,history).
I miss the days when I,my best friend Andrew and Hardy will just hang around in school laughing,joking,playing pespsi cola 1-2-3,using stone as soccer ball and dreading arts n craft n technical lessons(ok,I'm the only one who dreaded both lessons. >.<)
I miss the days when gals are the least important thing in life and having fun is the most important thing in life.
I miss the days when I can joke about Andrew's sexy mole and think that's a polite thing to do.(gone are those days,there's only the sexy scar left)
I miss the days when completing games like romance of 3 kingdoms and super mario brothers are the most important and pressing things on my mind.
I miss the days when Eric Cantona and Michael Jordan reign supreme and I idolize them like they really are God.
I miss the days when I can be a crybaby and cry freely when I'm sad and don't have to control my emotions.
I miss the days when I am a boy...

i won't let history repeat itself..i hope

Smsed her in the morning to wish her gd morning..saw her online just now..chatted with her for like 1 plus hours..we didn't flirt like last time..I just wanted to know how she is..n joked a bit with her..it was all well..until she probed into how I am..I wanted to be mean n say, 'shall keep u guessing then'..after saying this..my heart actually ached..n i typed 'i'm ok'..then she probed into what's ok..subjective,doesnt say much n stuff..so i told her,'i'm recovering'..then behold..the magic of computer failures- my com auto restart..haha..perfect timing..came online again..n i just clarified my position that I am not holding any illusions,won't revert back to the past and sighz..just wanted to talk to her as a friend..sighz..

I can't bear to tell her I'm still not over her..my heart still hurts..I still can't forget her..I am certainly on the road of recovery though..I just needed that short relief perhaps? I hope this won't bring me back to square one..it won't bah..I mean...I can still somehow care as a friend rite..as long as I am able to recover..I can still care even in a limited way right..I wish I can be the one to tide her over her bad moods instantly..but I can't do that..I just hope to share some of her problems sometimes..I know right now, at this stage, I will still be there for her no matter what..but I can't tell her that..becos I dun want to be a life buoy..yet I want to care..with minimal hurt..caring for her is actually what I desire most..n its like a drug to curb my feeling of missing her..I just hope that I won't abuse this drug..becos this drug is subjected to a total break of supply as long as she feel like it..eventually..I hope and I know(I KNOW!!!..gotta drill this in my mind) that I can live without this drug..I can don't miss her in this sense anymore..n perhaps..care for her as a friend..becos she's special..she really is..I don't understand why I like her so much but it doesn't matter why..what matters is..I can't have her..so SIGHZ...so..

I won't let history repeat itself.
I rather get obsessed with my dream of a first class.
I want to recover.