certainty

All the uncertainties are over.

My class of honours is confirmed. A 2nd Upper class of honours. No more needless battles. No more half-hearted attempts. No more.

A job. A job that I think I can excel in. A job that pays me so well that I can really enjoy a yuppies' life. A job that I am looking forward to.

At peace. I know what I want and I have the plans in place. Everything seems to just fit. I have no need for a ranting space anymore. That space which some has used to judge me as emo and weak(even). But, instead of declaring the death of this blog, I shall attempt to give it a rebirth- 'Reflections'.

Now, I am just going to enjoy the remaining days of my holiday before I start work and begin my transition to a yuppies' life! Yes, i'm going to be a YUPPIE, not a rat(like some of you are saying, lol).

ps. that doesn't mean I won't use this space to rant anymore. :p

CHAMPIONS

WE WON! WE WON!!! WE WON!!!!! LOL!!! We did the DOUBLE! We are the Champions of England and Europe!!! OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!


Words don't do justice to the feelings felt. Euphoria. Tears streaming down my cheeks when Edwin saved the penalty from Anelka. Despair, acute painful despair struck when Ronaldo, our best player for the season missed his penalty. Thoughts of 'Its just not meant to be' seeped into the mind. Then up stepped John Terry, the captain of Chelsea, the leader, the one epitomizing Chelsea(which i think is crap, anyway, lol) and he slipped and MISSED!!! AND omg, what a miss! what a slip! Instantly, every man u fans' hearts were filled with hope again. Sorry, we can't sympathize with you. We just wanted you to miss and you did! Lalalala.

Tears of joys. Our third Champions league trophy in history! 9 years since that magical Champions league final in 1999. We thought nothing can beat or even rival that win. That win which we won by scoring 2 goals in 3 mins of extra time, that goal which brought us Sir Alex first Champions league trophy!! Yes! Yes! Yes! 3 European Champions League win and 17 league titles!! We are on our way to becoming the most successful team in England!

Glory Glory Man United! Glory Glory Man United! and the Reds go marching on!!!!

25.

25. Mid 20s. A quarter century old.

I can no longer claim to be in my early 20s. 25 seems to be the start of another chapter in life. Similiar to 18, where national service beckons and 21, where university life begins. Looking back at the chapter that just closed, I managed a faint smile of satisfaction. It was a rollercoaster ride (however abused this term is)-

Familial wise- my dad's cancer(recovered le) and bike accident took the cake. My close uncle's death and my female cousin's marital problems added on to the anguish felt. Importantly, the ripples did not cause me to break down but actually toughen me up(especially with two of the events happening in the midst of my exams, it was really a test of how I would react in times of adversity-ok, andrew, will cut down on the melodramatic effect. haha)

Friends wise- Knowing Hong, Meiling, Zheyuan and Heyi was the best thing that happened in my varsity life. The trio's graduation a year ago and the inevitable separation from Hong in terms of modules taking has rendered my honours year less exciting than the previous three years. Perhaps, that softened the impact of my graduation and leaving this santuary of school. Of course, other friends such as Nabilla, Fatma, Wanrong, Peishan, Min Li and Yixian also added on to life in the rather protective environment of school. I can go on naming the friends that contributed in their own way to this chapter of my life but this ain't exactly a thank you speech blog entry. :p

School wise- I didn't get my first class honours. A 2nd Upper(baring a major disaster) is still a scant consolation. But oh well, nonetheless, the decision to major in political science instead of history was the hardest decision ever in my academic life. For history was what I have always deemed as my first love, my forte. Yet, political science had all the glam to it. LOL, of cos I aint that himbo. A combination of factors, good professors taking the exposure modules, the allures of international relations and current affairs lured me in. Along the way, I had my fingers burned here n there by different profs. Sometimes, I do think that I don't deserve the grade that some of my profs awarded me. Not a true reflection of my brillance and hard work. :p But overall, I am just thankful for the brillance of my profs who was able to open up my mind sufficiently and expose me to so much knowledge that I realize what I know is so little. This is not the end though, for I will definitely return to school(probably not nus) for my masters.

Personal growth wise- A sprinkling of ccas in nus, mentorship with mcys feedback unit, internships with mindef nexus and people's association-woodlands CO has allowed my CV to be presentable. The testimonials and the generous assistance rendered by my mentor who is willing to be my referee in my job applications allows me to 'sell' myself to my prospective employers. More importantly is not the CV or even the 'selling', but that added perspective which these experiences has imbued me with. I had a lot of good mentors too who was willing to guide me- an undergraduate who's obviously booksmart but not really 'street-smart'(IN THE PAST, not now), who's patient with me and who's willing to go beyond their duty to actually share life lessons with me. Mr Toh, Mr Ho, Victor(don't know whether you will read this blog entry :p) and Ms Sherlene Tan, it has really been a blessing to be able to learn from all of you. Thanks. :)

Relationships/Emotions wise- I was a boy. Besides the occasional, harmless crushes, I had one of my worst fall into that emotional abyss. But, somehow, through that experience, I dare say, I am no longer a boy but a man. LOL, at 25, I don't think anyone will begrudge me for saying that. Yes, age does not represent emotional maturity but the ardous process of finding yourself after you lost it sure brought about emotional growth.

So, a brief recap of that last chapter of life which is closing(with the release of results at the end of may and graduation ceremony in july), I look forward to the opening of the next chapter in life which I have loosely demacarte into the period of 25-30 and given the nice name of-the YUPPIES life. woooooo...lol.

Plans- I have made so many plans for the future that it seems that I am not leaving much room to surprises (yes, Clausewitz, I am not disagreeing with your centrality of the element of chance which can override everything). In this rather uncertain times, I feel at peace actually. I have plan A, plan B, contingency plans, etc, etc. I never thought I am such a planner. :p More or less, I am going to be a civil/public servant who may be going for a masters either during this chapter or in the beginning of my next chapter in life. Trying my best to get a job related to international relations is the job scope of my preferred career and I may still try for MFA in the foreseeable future(especially if I don't get a job which I deemed to be challenging and engaging enough to build my career on).

Personal growth- I have made up my mind to learn malay. Will start learning 1 or 2 months into my working life. As for the fourth language, the allure and practicality of spanish still dominates, but I may instead choose to learn a regional language should proficiency in it be required for my job. For now, the desire to be multi-lingual dominates my future plans.

Yuppies life- I want my car. (Will get my car sooner than later, probably in the very near future, if everything goes well). My friends are already planning overseas trips, 1 to Thailand in October, another to Taiwan in February, but nothing is confirmed of course...one thing is for sure though, before this chapter closes, I will make my pilgrimage to the holy place- OLD TRAFFORD!! LOL! Once, I start earning money, I will have the ability to indulge in plays/musicals/concerts! yay! I'm starting to sound like a spendthrift already, but I have decided to really enjoy life in the first year of working and saving up for the future after the first year. :)

I am going to be a YUPPIE soon!

gems of wisdom

I realized I have to post these words of wisdom from my dearest and favorite prof ever and imprint it onto my blog for eternity. Courtesy of Meiling's blog(as my favorite prof only sent this e-mail to the students taking his module-which I took in yr 3)-

Dear students

As most of you will be switching gears from study desks and library hideouts to corporate responsibilities and civil service appointments, I feel it necessary to share this nugget of revelation with you concerning globalization and the pending demands of the borderless workplace in Singapore. It also ties in with the NTUC Chief’s comments on May Day.

The occasion was the launch of a new Asia-Europe Foundation publication ‘EU- Looking through the Eyes of Asia’ on 18 April. A panel discussion was held and the speakers included an important editor from Reuters, a representative from NUS’ EU Studies programme, and the chair of the European Chamber of Commerce of Singapore who turned out to be a German national overseeing a particular European MNC’s operations throughout East Asia. I posed a question about whether the EU’s image deficit could have been usefully addressed by picking lessons from Bollywood’s soft power; the export of Japanese Anime and K-pop; Chinese cultural soft power in music and dramas etc.; and the hiring of more Asian journalists in Reuters’ Asia operations. Both the Reuters representative and the EU Studies academic responded positively to say that yes there were lessons to be shared between the two regions on building constructive images. The Chair of the European Chamber of Commerce, seized the opportunity to draw attention to the fact that Singaporean graduates were becoming more uncompetitive when it comes to hiring for senior management in European MNCs expanding into Asia because of two reasons. First, Singaporeans were losing their drive and hunger for experience, and innovation. Second, Singaporean workers were becoming inadequate bridges into the Chinese corporate world: Singaporeans spoke ‘kitchen Mandarin’ and shied away from aggressively networking through Guanxi. Instead mainland Chinese professionals were willing to learn and better themselves, and were striving to improve their English proficiency.

As a Singaporean, I was hurt by his dire depiction. As an appraiser of knowledge striving to be objective, as far as it is reasonably possible, I believe lessons can be drawn on the challenges and pitfalls of globalization. On the positive side, one does not need to resort to defensive nationalism to respond to the European mercantile elite. I hope this revelation of an elite view will spur all of you on to reverse this image. ‘Singapore Inc’ as a world leader in skills and proficiency still remains to be consolidated. I hope that the intangible skills you have picked up at NUS will inspire you to become larger human beings and knowledge analysts than merely being a possessor of an Honours degree. Furthermore, the potential of globalization to help or damage the fortunes of a ‘weak state’ depends so much on the initiative of human endeavour.

I hope that the next time I meet all of you, you will have found your watermark in your diverse career paths.

Very best wishes for a great start to the working world,

ALAN CHONG
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Thanks, Prof. Your words struck a chord in the minds and hearts of us who were privileged to be taught by you. I will always remember your words of advice which you shared selflessly on issues that you taught and precious life lessons. You are one of the main reasons why I will never regret making political science my major.

The time to leave the sanctuary of school is near. Its time to embark on an enriching career and make a mark on society. The sky is the limit! and...of cos, a yuppies' life awaits. :p

an eventful week

Many things happened this week. Good things, bad things.......

Bad things

I forgot an angel's birthday. How did this happen? It should never be allowed to happen. Taking her for granted is such a cardinal sin that I should not commit.

Meiling sms-ed me, 'have you forgotten about me! :(' haiz, guilty again. The first excuse is the mad rush for that dreaded honours thesis. But upon reflection, I have only met her once for lunch since she graduated last semester. I do miss the days when I spent 99percent of time in school with my ps clique- Meiling, Zheyuan, Heyi and Hong. Yet, I'm not making enough effort to keep this friendship going. Wake up, Yanwei!

I need a shoebag. That prevented me from going to gym after my test at mica this monday. What a lousy excuse. Haiz, Only jogged one time this week. Need to kickstart the exercise regime again(never intensive but, enough to feel healthy and keep my weight in check).

I missed Fatma and Nab's presentation this thursday. A presentation that I was really looking forward to. For, gender issue is quite touchy for a 'mcp' like me. A gender minor like Fatma and cute Nab's presentation(have never seen Nab present b4! argh) must have been a real experience. lol. Yet,the sleep after the man u match was too sweet to wake up from.

I flunked my makeup brief HISTORY of science test today. A breadth module. But its HISTORY. It should be my forte. Pure memorization yet, my mind went blank and the questions was obscure enough to send a blank mind to hell. Flunking this test means a B+ is all that I can aim for. This means that a maximum last minute effort is likely to result in a B grade. ARGH. CRAP. This is HISTORY. SIGHZ. ITS MY FORTE. I don't care if its about science. It can be about art/music for all I care. I swear I will put in that last ounce of effort to make up for this disaster.

Good things

I watched Romance of Three Kingdoms, the movie installment on Zhao Zhilong. Yes, its nowhere near the accuracy of the novel/history but it still brought a lot of satisfaction watching my favorite general on the big screen.

I beat Zheyuan 5-4 in pool games AGAIN. haha, winning when defeat stares you in the eye always gives you the feel-good feeling.

Manchester United beat Roma 1-0 on the night! More importantly, Gary Neville is back. And the ovation he received brought a tear to my eye. Its great to see him back after such a long absence. Welcome back, my dear captain!

I finally met Zhixiang at the honours room just now. After promising to find him there for the whole sem. Had a good dinner with him and Weizan. Then also, spend a bit of time mingling with other PS peers, such as Alene and Shawn at the honours room. With graduation on the horizon, its a nice feeling to just chat and mingle with some of my peers.

Things are rosy on the job front. No, I am resigned to my failure to get into MFA, but its likely that I will get my next best option again. YAY.(ok, maybe I'm not that joyous, but it always feel good to know you have 'market value'.)

The possibility of ace-ing Theories of IR module is exceedingly high. I got an A- for the 25percent test, an A for the discussant session (10percent) and I am geniunely enjoying the class participation (40percent), speaking up and writing in the online forum not out of necessity but out of interest. I'm not even lost in that module anymore. I'm confident of ace-ing this module. :)

Such a mixed week. Next week? Issues of SEA paper is the main agenda. I cannot afford to screw up a 40 percent paper.

peace

Selfishness is inherent in everyone.

That's something I learnt as I get older. Not that its wrong or it shouldn't be this way. For we are all flawed. At peace with my heart, at peace with how things are going on all fronts, at peace with my life, things are looking clearer and clearer each day.

I'm amazed. Amazed at how stupid I was. That sense of loss was so unwarranted. When you are blinded, you really feel like you can and will do anything for someone. Someone who doesn't really matter. Someone who's dispensible. Very much so.

To put yourself as the top priority is a painful lesson learnt. For, to be happy only when someone else is happy is just a torture. Especially, if that someone is not worth it even in the first place.

Somehow, somewhat, that idealistic streak in me has faded away. Feeling somewhat desensitized, I realized how easy it is to just shut people who doesn't matter much in life out. They say out of sight, out of mind. I say, out of mind then even when they are within your sight, you can't even see them, or notice their presence.

At peace.

defeat

Something historic just happened. Can you smell the scent of change emanating across our borders...surprise and even a sense of euphoria evaporated shortly after the suprise, leaving a lingering feeling of uncertainty, excitement and a tinge of apprehension....

The BN has won a simple majority of parliamentary seats. In other words, they lost the TWO-THIRD MAJORITY. A historic setback for the BN. They can no longer make constitutional changes at their own whims and likings. For the first time in Malaysia's history, the opposition is going to have a really substantial say in the decision-making on the national level in Malaysia. Institutional designs favouring the BN has failed to eliminate this threat to their power, n the people's voices(be it wise or not) has been translated into real power. Wow.....

Exciting times lies ahead...and as always, there is the element of danger in uncertain times. But, I shall reiterate what I stated in my paper for a module last semester regarding the BN and the opposition parties. The rising star in Malaysia is going to be Anwar Ibrahim(yes this seems obvious now, but definitely not in october last year) and dare I say it, Keadilan is the real threat that the BN has to quell in the forseeable future.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow

*When you see history been made, this feeling of 'wow-ness' overwhelms you.

ignorance

"The more we know, the more aware we are of what we know not. Indeed, the most important product of knowledge is ignorance."
-David Gross(2004 Physics Nobel Laureate)

princess

The two princess of my eldest cousin(maternal side). Cute hor? I must say, they really did make my cny that much more jovial. Childlike innocence, well, kids are indeed angels, even when they do something wrong or get naughty.

If I have daughters, I think I'm going to be a really bad father. I will never be able to take on the role of the disciplinarian. I mean, can you really bear to scold angels? Even if they get naughty and burn down the house? Darn...I am so going to spoil my kids next time....

Hannibal Barca

General Hannibal Barca,

You have been on my mind for the past few days. You will be surprised by how inspired I was when I had a visual reenactment of your greatness through a modern recreation of your acts. You did not just stand up to the Roman Empire. You surprised them. You almost brought about the end of the Roman Empire. You struck fear into the heart of the mighty Romans. The Romans even granted you the highest form of flattery by imitating your war tactics. In particular, that long, trecherous and unforgiving journey past the Alps to attack Rome itself was unexpected to say the least. Yet, you accomplished this amazing feat and almost brought the mighty Roman empire to their knees. History has attributed this famous quote to you,

"We will either find a way, or make one."- General Hannibal

You were so sure you were going to find your way or rather make your way. Your determination and your sense of belief must have been infectious and did wonders to your troops. I have to thank you. To thank you for your belief and your determination and pure brillance. Thanks for providing this timeless gem and timely reminder to me.

You failed in the end. Taking your own life to deprive the Romans of the satisfaction of killing you. I will never comprehend why you refused to storm Rome and land that final stab into the heart of the Roman Empire. You were so close. Why? You could have changed the course of history. You could have been more than a flawed genius. You could have been the man who brought the Roman Empire to an emphatic end. That strong empire which possesses overwhelming strength in your time. Why did you have to insist on having the Romans surrender to you? Was it arrogance? That you believe you had done enough and wanted the mighty Romans to eat the ultimate humble pie and surrender to you, the so-called babarian? Or was it compassion? That you believe you will be able to save the lives of your remaining troops and see no need to burn Rome and kill all those in Rome itself?

Yet, even in your failures, there are lessons to be learnt. You are a testament to the old saying that to be kind to your enemy is to be cruel to yourself. You showed that you are after all human. And perhaps the most inspiring thing about you lies in the fact that you are a flawed genius. Your legacy will not be forgotten. And, you will always earn the admiration and adoration from future generations.

With love,
Yanwei

(im)perfection

When something really matters, your expectations get heightened ten-fold and the pressures become insurmountable. Or so it seems, I seemed to be stuck in the mindset that dreams are so sweet because they can't come true. I seem to be quietly confident of my assets and my strengths yet painfully aware of my limitations. My limitations seems to ensure that I will not get the coveted goals that I so desperately want and dream of. Yet, without bragging, I always manages to get the next best choice avaliable. To another person, what I possesses now, what I have experienced, what I have gotten in life so far may already provide them with much satisfaction and perhaps even joy. Yet, to me, this just seems to be inadequate. No, I am not aiming for the sky, I am painfully reminded by my own perfectionist tendencies that I am not reaching my potential. To not reach my own potential is indeed a very sucky feeling.

Potential, what a scary thing. It creates unrealistic expectations and daunting challenges. Yet, it may lull some into complacency. Some even used 'potential' as a means to pacify themselves for their inept results so far. If potential becomes an excuse for one not meeting their goals, then I must say quit telling me about your potential and start showing me your results. Or at least, your best efforts, as long as you try your best, you can't go too wrong in life. Whether you are contented with the end result is an another matter altogether.

Today, I was struck down by a flu, a headache and a very serious insomnia that made me decide to back down from taking a step nearer to that coveted dream of mine. The possibility of failing and flopping today was just too high. And, I know, if I backed down this time round, after I recover from my sickness,try to have a good night's sleep and pep myself up mentally for this challenge, I will be able to meet my potential. Or at least, be in the optimum position to grab this challenge, give it my best shot and have no regrets. But, how many second chances appears in life? Especially when its with regards with something that you really want? Sometimes opportunities only arrive once in your lifetime and timing is the most essential thing. So I can only hope that this time round, I will get this second chance. If not, I'm not really freting over it as well, for ironically, I have expanded my options widely enough and feel assuredly confident that I will carve out my niche in another area(which arguably, I am actually more suitable for) than this dream that I have always coveted.

* Life is a journey with lots of twists and turns. Its ok to fail, just make sure you stand up again. :)

social scientist

As a social scientist, I should have been more sensitive to the possible repercussions of differing perceptions.

As a social scientist, I took it for granted that people understood the medium theory and the straightforward effects of framing.

As a social scientist, I should have analyzed the results of my actions and words.

As a social scientist, I feel silly to not have made calculated moves and 'rational' decisions.

But a social scientist is nothing more than just one side of me. To be judged is perhaps unavoidable. Yet to judge on rather circumstantial evidences is perhaps really just laughable. And yah, I had a good laugh after the slight irritation at the begining.

You think you know me, but you don't.

ubin cycling trip

Spending Roy's birthday(and New Year's eve) in ubin was both a retreat back to nature and a walk down the memory lane. Goofing around and photo-whoring, I must say it brought back lots of memories from our jc days.....



When I was small and christmas trees were tall....or so the song goes...haha, when we are sweet sweet 18...



Still 18, abeit, our aggressive tendencies were brought to the forefront...haha..and so goofing around seems to be a thing of the past? Not really...



Nature has its way of bringing out the childlike innocence of men....



Or maybe nature reduced men to boys again.....

Posing or acting cool on the other hand seems to be natural.....



Or maybe we are really cool.......



We are still cool rite abeit with the help of some lighting...........



No...? Maybe this 'boyband like' pose will convince you otherwise...



Haha, ok maybe we are delusional...but hey, its fun to think these thoughts sometimes.

overjoyed.

Finally and I mean finally, there seems to be a glimpse of hope towards fulfilling my dream.

I have been shortlisted for the first round of the recruitment process for the Foreign Service Officer(Political and Economic) with MFA!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Yah, I know, first round only, written tests only, may still be rejected at this stage of the recruitment process or at further rounds of interviews, but nonetheless, I am really happy!! Haven't been so happy for such a long while!!!wahahahahahahahaha :)

OMG, I'm like so excited now lah, that kind of feeling far exceeds another interview with another ministry one day after the written tests at MFA!!

I will definitely try my best!!! I can do it!!! Even if I am not recruited this time round, this will not prevent me from trying again next time!!

* I'm overjoyed, excited and ecstatic now. But don't worry, I will moderate my hopes of getting this job as I know how stringent the recruitment process is. :)

way back into love

I'm a real sucker for love movies. Music and Lyrics made this song special. And special it is, for I have listened to it more than twenty times today. :)

6am on Christmas day, still awake but happy that this Christmas eve, my heart is at peace. Looking back on last Christmas, perhaps, this reason alone made this a merry merry Christmas. :)

2046

I just finished watching the movie,2046. Words can't really describe how brillant and poignant I think this movie is.

2046 is really 2047.

If love can be defined, 2046 just provided the closest definition.

That imperfect perfection, that surreal reality, that blurring of line between illusion and reality, that immense hurt....

Giving is perhaps not really an option when you experience true love. For when your happiness is based upon hers, the hurt experienced by you is nothing compared to the joys you brought her.

Love has always been something undefinable, something that is surreal, something that is fluffy, something that defies rationality. But, if one looks beyond the complexities and the various pretensions that cloud love itself, it is very simple.

Is love like the rainbow that follows every thunderstorm? Where the various colours form a really beautiful picture that brings unexplainable joys? Or does love take the optical illusion of a rainbow that is always there but seldom appears before the naked eye?

Love may just become that prison where one cannot break through even if he/she holds the key. Yet, maybe only in that prison can one find happiness or perhaps death.

Seeking answers in love is a fallacy. For there are no answers, for love itself is a maze that one gets lost in. To be lost and to not know you are lost may just be the most beautiful thing in life.

game?

I did something rather silly but perhaps sweet just now.....the rational me will see that as a mistake but as always, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I tend to just go with what I feel and perhaps, its the person too, I love the feeling that I can just be so direct and frank and says what's on my mind, how I feel and what's bothering me, perhaps, I finally found a soulmate whom I'm really so comfortable with. With her, my vocab does not dry up, no awkard silences, minimal pressures and that ability of hers to cheer me up is just quite special.......

Game? I know, a lot of my friends have advised me in the past that there are some rules that you have to follow, somethings that you have to do, some stuff that you can't say, some stuff that you must say, some some some...etc..etc..etc..but I have never been able to grasp why they see this as a game. To me, this has never been a game and hopefully will never become a game. I do not like the whole concept of treating this as a game. Even if this means that I get hurt more often than not, even if this means that if this is a game, my success rate will never be high.

At the end of the day, I can get hurt. I can be silly. I can have my heart broken. I can even slowly lose faith in this whole concept. But, at least, I followed my heart and this is the most important thing to me.

* Maybe, just maybe, she will replace that special person in my heart and I will be able to finally seek closure with the past.

inner thoughts

Alcohol always make me feel a bit vulnerable. Some says drinking, especially excessively is to seek an escape, an escape from the harsh reality of life. Yet, drinking, especially moderately, can lead to you facing your deepest inner thoughts, squarely and truly. Slightly intoxicated(really, as can be seen by the fluency in this blog entry), my mind went into overdrive, for the first time in months.........

I have been going to CCK on a rather frequent basis since I got to know Yihui. Likewise, today, I went over to find her to study, though as expected, we ended up chatting much more than doing anything productively academically. Today is a rather happy day though, for I finally get to taste Yihui's famed horrible cooking, had a rather pleasant surprise that the dishes she cooked today(admittedly not requiring that much expertise)were not only edible but tasty. haha, we also had beer at the end of the very non-productive study session at starbucks eariler.......but this is really not the focus of my blog entry...........

Everytime I go to CCK, there's always this part of me who just hoped to catch a glimpse of her, from far or in near proximity, just a glimpse. I have not seen her for a year plus le and I just cannot bring myself to meet her when I had the opportunity to, resulting in the refusal to attend two of my good friends' birthdays because I know she will be there. Escapism ain't exactly the best way to do something and I really really wish that I can just go for that two good friends' birthdays and special events from now on without including the 'her' factor....Often in my head, I will try to imagine what it would be like seeing her after such a long absence, will it be like, cordial, amicable, small talk of no consequences, but diplomatic niceties? will it be like, avoidance and limiting much contact with her? Or will i fall back into that vicious cycle? I really have no idea...no idea at all....

We haven't been in contact at all since 4 months plus ago, since I sms-ed her to wish her happy birthday. I guess, after pissing her off with the well-drilled messages that my rational self managed to conjure up that my life is better off without you, make her so firm on her decision to never contact me again. For, I may just become that stranger which I wanted to be...just so that I don't have to be stuck into a vicious cycle again, just so that I can move on, just so that I can give the 'out of sight, out of thought' theory a try....Yet, I can't help but wonder whether she's right when she said that, to be strangers is just a temporary game that we two are playing.......yet maybe the game has long ended for her, while subconsciously, I'm still playing this stupid game...this game that long ought to have ceased and move on.....

I'm definitely moving on though, seemingly with a whole lot of false dawns along the way...but yet, always a step forward...or at least 3 steps forward, 1 step back, the least that I managed to do is to stop asking for her updates for close to 3 months le.....in a perverse way, she kept my sanity, or maybe to be more accurate, the idealized image of her kept me sane or insane...can't really tell the difference at times, for that fine line keeps blurring...with her at the back of my mind, I am able to reduce any possible tugging of the heartstrings by any other girl to a bare minimum that will be extingushed easily. This should be considered a merit isn't it? For to be troubled by matters of the heart is really just quite dumb..........(an irony considering this blog entry)

I wish I can say this will be the last time I blog about her, but judging by the fact that despite my strong desire to delete all her sms-es and pictures on the bus just now, I still can't do it.....does speaks volumes...

* Disclaimer- This blog entry is the direct result of intoxication. I am not down or sad, just feeling and thinking a bit more than usual, will be up n going to mug for that darn hy module tmr. urgh.

failing

C+ n D for two 20percent history term papers, a C grade average for a 50percent CA for that module. ouch. From a student who regularly tops his history classes since sec 3. What will my history teacher from sec 3 says to me when he hears about this? From the student who bugs him regarding a 75 mark prelim result to get a few more marks because I thought I deserve it, when there's only 3 people in the class getting that result? From my jc history teachers whom I wrote extra assignments for, just to ensure that there's zero chance of me faltering in the A-levels for history. From a nus student who is dissatisfied with his combined CAP score of 4.25 for 8 history modules, from a political science student who's considering a masters in history....

There should not be any excuse for such an abysmal CA grade. Failure arose not because of how the prof for this module is especially anal and not inspiring. The root cause of failure is the amount of neglect that I exhibit towards this level 3 module this sem. This represents the worst feeling of failure that I have ever experienced in nus. I have a knack for bouncing back in history modules, been there, done that because pride refuses to keep me down. Yet this time round, the challenge seems to be beyond me, needing an A grade for the final exam to get a B grade which represents the worst ever grade I have ever received in nus for history(am still sore over it), I guess realistically, a B+ is all that I can aim for in the final resulting in a B- grade....yet, the prof's anal marking and my own lack of effort in this solitary history module this sem make even that an uncertainty.

No confidence, no mood, no time, no conviction=no chance.

English heartbreak

England lost. England failed. England was not good enough to qualify for Euro 2008.

Steve, please resign. Steve, you suck. Steve, you just ain't good enough.

What is Euro 2008 without England?

Wasn't tonite supposed to be the Beckham miracle like in 2001?

Ain't England a quarter-final team at the very least?

HAIZ................................................................................