Contented....

In life, the most difficult thing is to be contented. At least that's where I always have difficulty in. In relation to my pragmatic goals in life, I still need to find the balance, find the ability to be contented with what I achieve. From a below expectation O-level results to a 2nd upper class honours range to a fantastic testimonial for my internship, I always feel that I could have done better. In a perfect world, I will have entered Temasek JC, in the first class range and get the coveted good intern award(3 out of 69 interns got it). However, the world isn't perfect and I ought to pat myself on the back n tell myself, "Yanwei, you have tried your best, well done." Slowly, I have learnt to be contented, though I will still try my best to achieve my goals, I will not be so hard on myself when I don't meet my goals.

"Aim for the moon, drop amongst the stars" A philosophy that I have followed since JC, my close friend told me, " Yanwei, there's no stars for me". I agreed then..deep down, I know I may not be able to achieve my dreams but I know I will still be doing very well in life. I have faith and I need to be contented.

With relations to the matters of the heart though, a totally different person appears. I have learnt not to expect too much. I have always been contented with the little joys that appears in this aspect of my life. The more one expects, the more hurt one will get. In an area that I seem to have less control in, I am thankful for all the joys and I have learnt to be contented, to bask in the happiness when its there, to cope with the pain when it appears. Right now, I'm happy and I hope this happiness will last a slightly longer time before it is overtaken by pain again. I hope...

it hurts so much...

My heart is bleeding and it is a haemorrhage.
My mind is spinning and it is a whirlwind.
My emotions are running and it is a rollercoaster.
My bio clock is warping and it is a norm.
My priorities are shifting and it is a disaster.

I always knew it was going to be tough.
I always knew I am going to get hurt.
I always knew I am not a player.
I always knew I am a hopeless idealist.

Yet, amidst all the confusions, all the uncertainties, I never expected myself to feel so hurt so soon. Ignorance is bliss. Why did I want the truth so badly? Because, I never expected the stuff she said? I never expected myself to be such a bad judge of character? I never expected myself to be so hurt so soon? My idealised image of her just got brutally erased with every words that I read from her diary. Instantly, all the joy, all the happiness, all the sweetness, all the anticipation went blazing in flames. In its place, confusion sinks in, sorrow rushes in, pain overrides every other emotion felt. I requested to smoke even when I promised her I won't smoke with her. The first broken promise that parellels my broken heart.

What am I going to do?
Take a break from her and leave her to sink even more in her own problems and risk her getting even more hurt?
Continue allowing my heart to bleed until it is not broken but dead and allowing myself to like her more n more?

I want her to be happy. I want her to recover. I do not need to have her as my girlfriend. I do need her to pull herself up again though. Yet, while helping her out of her emotional turmoil, I'm afraid I myself will actually be going through a larger emotional turmoil. How I wish I could be a bit more selfish, a bit less idealistic and a lot stronger.

Another rollercoaster day

A routine rollercoaster day

I exchanged sms-es with her in the afternoon, I was elated, things seemed to be going well again.

I exchanged sms-es with her in the evening, reality came back to haunt, I got very down and felt helpless.

I exchanged sms-es with her at night, all seemed to be well again, I was feeling normal.


Everyday, I look forward to her sms-ing me so I can know how she's feeling and yet..on the back of my mind, I have this nagging thought, a most rational judgement, that I'm just someone who she knows that will be there for her, who will offer her words of comfort, who will show her lots of care and concern but not someone she likes/loves.

I don't mind the fact that I am that someone because I like her. I want her to be happy. I want to see her smile always. I want to share her problems and her sorrows. But this is a dangerous route that I am trekking on. I feel helpless when I can't cheer her up. My heart really hurts when she tells me she's down becos she misses someone.( happens again and again)

I hope she will be happy tmr. May God bless her and may she get well soon!~



* Be strong, becos she needs you even if she dun like you.

Its my choice.

Its my choice.

Its my choice to carry on caring for her, going out with her and be there for her when she need me.
Its my choice to be receptive to her sms-es, to want to meet her and to want to see her.
Its my choice to want to know her better, to risk liking her even more and to be a lot more hurt in future.

Its my fault

Its my fault that I chose to listen to my heart instead of listening to my head in this seemingly impossible dream.
Its my fault for choosing to go through this emotional rollercoaster when I have a choice to pull out of it right from the start.
Its my fault to make my friends share my sorrows and worry about me when I get all down and sad.

Around ten years ago, I made a choice(wholly different one) and I hurt the one I love. It was totally my fault back then. It remains my biggest regret to date. Perhaps, things have come a full circle. Now, I will be hurt by someone I like and may eventually come to love(fingers crossed, it don't happen) and this hurt will be as deep if not deeper than the hurt I have caused to that angel in the past.

Its my choice, its my fault. Its my time to be hurt.

I'm down.

Why am I so vulnerable? Am I hurt that easily? Am I just a crazy idealist not capable of coping emotionally with rejection? Am I still a child when it comes to this aspect of my life? Have I not grown up? What is exactly wrong with me? I don't know...all I know is I'm hurt and I can't blame anyone except myself. Who says history doesn't repeat itself? Nice guys do finish last..I need to seriously ponder over what's wrong with me..For instance, why am I whining on a public mechanism such as a blog? Especially when none of my friends remember this blog or even know of it in the first place...I guess I do need a venue to just let my emotions go...Guys don't cry? Of cos, when we grow up, we can't cry..not in public at least, why? becos that's just not socially accepted..so..holed up in my room, in the privacy of my room..I cried..
Crying does make a person feel better. Crying releases the pent up emotions, the sudden surge of disappointment, the pain of the bursting of a bubble. Crying is a tool that I have not exploited for a long time. Yet, in this instance, I broke.
I'm just a loser.
I'm just a wimp.
I'm just a child.
I'm just a nobody.
If there was a saying that I grew to love recently, it is definitely Machiavelli's-

" I laugh, and my laughter is not within me;
I burn, and the burning is not seen outside."

I hope I can create this facade well, I hope I can at least pretend to be happy again. I hope that when I wake up, I can look at all this and say-'hey, move on dude, it aint that painful'. I hope...

June 1-long day.

Today is really a long day for me..woke up at 5.50am today to go to my unit's anniversary at pasir ris park..after a 3.5km run...there were stupid games which i didn't have to participate in..practically doing nothing there for abt. 4hours until 12.30noon,then they let us go..sighz..just another example of how life as a national slave is so boring.
Well..at least after that,me n my friend had lunch at Swensens n watch Shriek 2,i seldom watch cartoons nowadays but i have to admit,Shriek 2 was gd to say the least,it was funny n really reminded me of my childhood n as all fairytales go,it ended with a happy-ever-after ending which lifted my spirit,its gd to watch this movie once in a while..the feeling that i get is so diff. from watching The Day After Tmr which really gave us a stern warning abt. what could happen if we continue to misuse n oversuse our natural resources,only the part where americans have to seek refuge from mexico gave me some comic relief due to the political undertone n satire involved,ha ha...i'm sure glad i watch both movies.
Well..I'm booking into camp tmr morning at 8am to do my duty as Duty Nco,sighz...even have to work on a public holiday...how sad..although its a simple task as noone's around,but there's still a bit of paperwork n phonecalls to listen to..i sure hope i could stay awake throughout the nite today as at 2.55am got the England vs Japan soccer match...hopefully i could endure despite only sleeping abt. 3 hours yesterday nite.
Hmm...guess that's all i wanted to say tonite bah..hopefully,i will have a sweet dream if i do sleep tonite,it will be sweet as long as i dream of charlene choi or ryoko hirosue.ha ha.:)kk,nite to everyone!

May 31 2004-empty,empty,empty.

My first entry in an online blog...ha ha...never thought i will write one,well..didn't even have the habit of keeping a diary like this..well..people change.
Life is so empty for me at this phase of my life.its just so empty.i should be happy now that i am finishing my term as a national slave fulltime(NSF),but this phase of my life is really just abt. waiting...waiting for my clearance,waiting for my class 3 license,waiting for my pink ic,waiting for school term to start,waiting for the results of my teaching award,wait,wait,wait,wait,it just kinda drives me crazy with all this uncertainties hanging around in my life.
21,I'm finally 21...an age when i'm considered an adult,I got voting rights!!i could watch RA movies...legally...ha ha...but this age also makes me feel OLD....there's so many things to think abt. at 21...when will i be able to have a car?will i ever find true love?does jesus really exist?will i ever be able to be a foreign diplomat?am i really cut out to rise above all n excel..instead of been condemned to mediocrity..
well...there's so much that i want to say over so little....i'm in such a pessismist mood now that if i do continue writing this blog,i will sure hope that i could meet both hitler n satan n ask them whether they need a new assistant..or something..btw,i'm quite an admirer of Adolf Hitler-despite his human flaw,evil heart,racist mind,he's really a powerful man who capture all german's hearts with his thoughts,ideas n speeches,he's really a man we should admire in a sadistic carnal world of where only the fittest can survive...to be compassionate to others is to be cruel to yourselves..the rich just get richer,the poor just get poorer.....life is indeed cruel.i shall end now,hopefully,i won't feel that empty tmr...