My e-mail to my prof.

I don't usually do this..but I am damn pissed now...so I shall publish my e-mail (with the elimination of some sensitive details) sent to my prof in regards to my pathetic grade that I got for his module..I believe I have a strong case for a review..

Hi Sir,

I am Pang Yan Wei, Political Science Major Year 3. I am very disappointed at the grade(B-) that I got for your module PS(code name) (title of module) which I took last semester and I found it necessary to e-mail you to try to understand the reasons for my appalling final grade for this module. I believe my CA which comprised 40percent of the assessment for this module was either an A- or an A considering that I have gotten an A grade for the 20percent essay assignment, an A- for the 5percent test, attended all four tutorials and did a relatively ok if not impressive presentation. I understand that the bell curve for this module is understandably high with the high grades awarded both for the essay assignment and the test for most of the students. However, I do not think I performed badly for the final exam as I actually found the final exam easy and this was actually my most confident module. Though I know that quantity does not represent quality, I would like to mention that I actually used two booklets for this paper and tackled the questions with gusto and confidence.If I did not remember wrongly, I actually started my last question on the second booklet.

I have also been a conscientious and hardworking student in NUS where the B- grade that I attained for your module was the worst ever grade that I have ever been awarded in NUS so far.This is also the first time I ever received a B- grade for any module that I have taken, I must express my utter disbelief and disappointment at this final grade awarded to me upon this module. Furthermore, I have shown consistent performance in all my Political Science modules that I have taken so far. My PS Major cap score for ten modules(excluding your module) taken so far in NUS is 4.1 and besides PS2237 Introduction to International Relations which I attained a B grade,I have been consistently attaining B+s and A-s for all my other PS modules.

I hope that my e-mail to you did not (sound,* typo in original e-mail) rude or disrespectful and I offer my sincere apologies if this e-mail had offended you in any way. Though I am not in the position to question your assessment or even ask you for any explanation or clarification for my final grade in this module, I hope that you will consider my case for this grade to be reviewed. I will be submitting the application for the review of the examination result for this module through the proper channels in the next few days. However, I understand that there will not be any remarking of the examination scripts through this process and I will also not be given an opportunity to look at my examination scripts. Though I hope that there is a possible mistake in the calculation of the marks for this module, I know that there is only a slim chance of that happening. I will love to have the opportunity to meet you in person to discuss upon this issue if you are free over the next few days(except friday afternoon where I have an appointment with my mentor from MCYS Feedback Unit).

Thanks for the time and effort in reading this e-mail. Hope to hear from you soon.

With regards,
Yanwei

Sighz..in instances like this, I can only lament about the closed and rigid system of examination review that NUS operates by..why can't we be given as much transparency as overseas universities?! For instance, my friend Li Wei who studies in University of Melbourne told me that in his university, its a common practise and norm to let the students view the examination scripts. Everything is kept transparent and this should be the right way about it.

I am not going to publish my Prof's reply to me as I believe that this is not right as his correspondance to me should be kept private and to my knowledge..I just hope he will provide me with an explanation as to why I got this pathetic appalling grade and also that through the opaque examination review system(I still have to pay 10 dollars,damn it) get the grade that I deserved.

I don't like the fact that my first class honours dream is ended this way by a rude surprise and coupled with the unprofessional examination leak by NUS a couple of weeks ago(that gave me pyschological discomfort), I am appalled by the unprofessionalism shown by a supposedly world class institution.

I have finally done it...

Still having a bit of hangover from the consumption of alcohol at the Christmas eve party last nite..last nite her sms-es prompted me to drink more..she thanked me for the presents,said she was really touched and didn't expect it..but shouldn't say too much..n ten minutes ago she sms-ed me to tell me my presents were meaningful n thoughtful and that she will fufill my Christmas wish..that is to use the journal as her diary(I sms-ed her this while heavily intoxicated, I'm kinda a loser ain't I,sighz..but I really wish I could still share her deepest thoughts n worries n be there..since I can't do that..its really comforting to me that she will use the journal as her diary)..

Guess what's my reply(perhaps the last or the last few) to her polite thank you sms, I replied, ' =) okie, dun think I will hear from u anymore,so yup, take care.' I sound mean and if I follow my heart..I will never say something like that..but I do need to face up to reality..I do not want to wallow in saddness anymore..I do not want to sink deeper and deeper..I have decided not to dig my own grave le..n I think she also wants me to get her out of my system..its for my own good..

She's right..sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind..if only she was cruel enough at the start of september where my recovery process should have started and I been strong enough to not fall back into a relapse and actually grew more dependent on her for emotional support here n then..I might have already had recovered.

However, I don't hold any regrets..just that I'm finally tired of been silly and its really better to move on le. I have finally done it..I have finally deleted n blocked her on msn..there will no longer be any temptation to talk to her online or feel the need to ask her about her mood swings n stuff..because what you can't see won't affect you..

It hurts..almost as much as writing her Christmas card and trying to sound chirpy..but this time round..I did the right thing...I am finally going to move on..

I got my jog! heh~

5am..Its cold..the rain had finally stopped. Looking at the sky,the time and my empty cigarette box, I thought to myself,'what the hell, I shall go for my jog!' and I went...

The cold breeze pierced the skin, the wet floors had a glossy shine,the raindrops fell gently upon my tired self, the weird stares spoke a common language, this was a jog that I would never forget.

An easing of the mind, a release of pent up emotions and a punishment upon the body made the jog worth the hassle.

At the break of dawn, in my hazy sanctuary,it is time to sleep. Tommorow will be a better day.

when was the last time my heart aches so much?

When was the last time my heart aches so much? I wonder...it just sucks isn't it..life shouldn't be like that..yet I know my heart will ache even more when I write her christmas card tmr..She screwed my mind again..hopefully for the final time..really hopefully...I mean..sighz..its really bad timing to suddenly msn me to say we have to talk n stuff the nite after I bought her christmas presents..must she be so cruel to me..must heaven plays such stunts on me..some of her words just pierced my heart...I guess she finally grew tired of fishing n decided its time to let this fish go into the ocean..I guess she thinks that its better to hurt the fish badly n expect him to survive alone..she makes it pretty clear that she wants me out of her life..she can be so cruel...so cruel to make me dread talking to her...

Ok..I shall bear with my heartache n just be dumb for one last time. I will try to write how I feel on the christmas card conveying as little pain that I'm feeling as possible. I will also be nice n angelic enough to make sure that I don't linger around in her life since she wants me to disappear..

* My closest friends,pls remind me to block n delete her from my msn list by 1 jan 2007. I will try to cope with the 500 over sms-es n her pictures in my hp another time..Its going to be over soon...it is...

Let me be silly but happy for this christmas..I'm going to get really drunk on christmas eve..yay...n perhaps for the last time be replying to her sms-es either on christmas eve or christmas...

Somehow....I still want her to be happy..somehow..I still miss her laughs,her blushes,her smiles, her voice..somehow..I guess she will always be special to me...but somehow..the dream is ending...finally ending..though I dun want it to end..I have no choice...its over...dude..its over..face it..dude..face it..face it whether u like it or not...be a man..

This is the last time I will ever be so dumb again. Mark my words..She will be the one n only gal that I am so dumb to...

Friends~

I finally met up with Li Wei today. So happy..haha..one of my close clique of friends whom I know since sec 3..we had so many fun times in the past..(we are not gays,k). The feeling's just so magical because I had expected there to be a distance becos we haven't seen each other since 2004..where that idiot went off to australia to study without notifying..#%&^*..oh well..I'm so glad that despite different life experiences n stuff,we managed to click like old times and just talk about anything and everything..I laughed so much today..haha

Ok..besides appreciating my friends more..I realised that I ain't that anti-social these days..I am starting to feel that I am socializing more and actually enjoy knowing new pple..one instance will be yesterday where I met Shuyi and her cell group mates..I feel so at ease with talking and knowing her cell group mates(some whom I saw and talked to b4,some new faces.) Perhaps its becos they really tried their best to make me feel at home and also becos Shuyi is just so sweet that I totally feel good hanging out around her...

Oh well..friends must be one of the best gifts in life. :) Though sometimes one is bound to drift apart and even lose some friends in life..but the ones whom u hold close to your heart will often always be there for you and the ones whom u lost will still leave great memories behind.

a thought provoking dim sum buffet~

I had dim sum buffet with Hardy today and we had a nice lengthy chat. My mind is still in a whirlwind since the buffet. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about some points in the conversation over dim sum....sometimes, it does take a close friend(more than 10years of friendship) to bring a different perspective to your already well-framed mindset.

1. In the conversation, I realised how unreceptive my mind is to ideals and principles that are opposite to mine, I do need to open up my mind a lot more and be more receptive to alternative viewpoints.

2. With regards to my career goals in life,it seems an inevitable reality that the next step in life after completing my university education is the civil service. Be it, the Singapore Administrative Service(if I get my first class honours) or the Ministry of Foreign Affairs(my dream) or other branches such as MHA-ISD,PMO-NSCS or MINDEF-SID,it just seems to be so natural to me. I feel that the civil service will not only reward my hard work in the academic realm but also provides me with a conducive environment to apply my skills and perhaps knowledge learnt in my training as a political scientist. I am sure that I will be able to lead a comfortable life with the civil service. But its unlikely that I will be really rich if I stay in the civil service. Somehow, my chat with Hardy always makes me ponder. I will never forget what he said to me when I told him I will be satisfied with 7-8k per month in the future. He said,'Hey,why are you aiming for so little?' Of course, Hardy didn't mean to be offensive, its just that to him, the sky's the limit and to aim to buy a boeing plane(64million dollars) and setting up businesses and exploring ways to earn money(whether through stocks or other investment plans) just seems so natural to him.

I seriously believe that Hardy will be able to buy a boeing plane one day,just like with my best friend Andrew,they just seems to be able to reach for the sky while I am contented to be just gazing from the earth,looking with envy at their achievement. Not jealous(hopefully) but envious. I'm starting to wonder whether I will be contented with the career/life plans that I have drawn up for my life ahead...hmm...guess at the end of the day,I am a pragmatic realist who likes his comfort zone a lot. Success is always a relative term and I guess people's definition of success and life goals will change as they grow older..I just hope that I will stay contented with my achievements in life.

3. In terms of the touchy issue about love and relationship,I think the most important lesson that Hardy tried to teach me today is to have control. Control over your emotions, control over the irrational thoughts and feelings. Some pointers that Hardy mentioned that got me thinking.

a. A gal doesn't need a girlfriend. It won't mean a thing for you to be the one she turn to when she's down n all for comforting words..a gal needs a leader and someone she can depend on.(I think its better to find a balance? I'm not sure..think I can be too nice for my own gd..haha)
b. Commitment and honesty are the fundamental principles for a relationship to work.(hmm..commitment yes..but complete honesty? I still think a white lie now and then is beneficial.)

Hmm...I guess I will still be thinking and pondering over the stuff that was discussed today for a long time to come...I don't think I will come to concrete conclusions about anything anytime soon..

mood swing

Its bad..I can't help it..the moment I know she's a bit down..I feel down too..I so want to just call her to tell her its ok..I will be there for you n stuff..I so want to be the first one to know her problems..I just want to make sure she's happy n stuff..but I cant do that..only via the most useless kind of technology, the sms that I can show my concern..I feel helpless...

Why is my mood so overly reliant on her when it has been so long..? Why is she the person that I turned to immediately when I'm feeling very down after my uncle's wake and feeling all so guilty when I can't attend the rest of his wake because I got 2 papers that I really need time for..n she hits all the right chords and making me feel so much better n focused for my exams..

When she sms-ed me something like,'you are the last person I had ignore'..its sweet and painful all at the same time..I can't tell her likewise..becos I hope one day I can wake up and ignore her or at least just show concern as a friend..

I guess the cliche,'time can heals all wounds' is crap..noone can help you if you don't want to help yourself.Wake up,Yanwei.

a ceasefire or the end..?

My exams finished yesterday. The poignant feeling of emptiness override the euphoria of freedom..the sweet feeling of freedom is slowly sinking in. Yet this feeling is laced with apprehension about the results of this round of battle. Did I suffer a knockout blow in this round and thus my war has effectively ended or is it just a ceasefire at the 43rd parallel? I certainly hope its the latter..but I do not dare to expect that it would be the latter.

As a very pragmatic and realistic student,I have to admit the fact that I am going to suffer either a minor setback or a total loss in this round of battle. Oh well, I shall just wait for the results to come bah..no pt. thinking abt. it.

Post-exam withdrawal syndromes-
Cutting down on nicotine intake(smoke like nobody's business during this exam period)

Resuming jogging n perhaps even gym-ing routines(need to shed the extra weight put on through the suppers that accompanied all the overnite mugging sessions)

Adjusting myself to a limit in contact with her again.(her exams n my exams gave me n perhaps her plenty of reasons to encourage n spur each other on..I really appreciate the support from her that never fails to pull me up during the exam period..sighz..overreliance on her is not an option..yet...I'm actually looking forward to shopping for her christmas present.)


I think I am going to miss her more during this holiday period given that my focus on the battle is over. Gotta find something to occupy my mind again..apparently alcohol don't appeal so much to me..at least for now..didn't really feel gd abt. the drinking session yesterday..heineken got me down instead of up?! sianz..maybe its the lack of sleep..got one more potluck/drinking session coming up this friday..shall review my inclination towards alcohol after friday..I hate the feeling of getting drunk unless I'm damn sad..

I am the Hierophant

I am the Hierophant(whatever that is,haha). Just like the part on Guardian Angel. As many friends of mine know by now that I have a special liking for the label of angel,haha. Oh well,I'm angelic..lol.

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You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I'm an owl.

I'm an owl,in fact sometimes, I feel I'm a vampire..most active at night and quite lethargic in the afternoon..for the past week..I have slept mostly at the break of dawn,6 plus am or slightly earlier but today, I finally went beyond..typing this blog entry at 8.40am, I am finally feeling tired,going to sleep b4 9am..pretty satisfied with the mugging done today..finally met the optimal level of mugging required in this code red period..must maintain this later when I wake up.

I'm actually in gd mood today,knowing that she finished her exams and thus going to enjoy her holidays have quite an uplifting feeling on me..furthermore..had a really happy 1 hour chat with her just now..and listening to the 2 songs she sent to me via e-mail now..I don't understand why..I really like the songs she like..its weird..is it because she have gd taste in music or is it becos I like her..oh well..at least I'm happy.

A friend mention that flirting is a game and make a brillant analogy with fishing..and that sets my mind going..why am I so willing to be a fish..perhaps..when you really like someone..you lose that bit of rational thinking and sometimes just indulge senselessly in the sweet feeling that only her can bring. I know one day, I have to wake up..but let me be a willing and hopefully happy fish for the moment.I will never allow myself to be a fish to another person again..I think I am learning a lot from this experience...and I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes again(may commit totally opposite ones but definitely not the same ones.)

* Will a fish ever become a fisherman? Unlikely but you never know.

life is so unfair!!~

Manchester United lost to Celtic!!!! Damn it...we fucking dominated the whole freaking match n yet we lost..we even missed a freaking penalty at the end..can someone just kill me..arraggz.....I have not felt so down for such a freaking long time..crappy match...damn it..this bodes ill for chelsea match on sunday...God,pls,PLS bless Man U..I do not want to face any more heartbreak this week...I am freaking pissed, fucking down,pathetically resigned to Manchester United's failure.

Life is just unfair...so what if you treat a person with all your heart..you are still going to be treated as a substitute, as a spare tyre..great..I have been waking up to her sms for like 3 days in a row..I should rejoice, shouldn't I..haha..yah rite..its only becos her bf went overseas for army exercise that she's doing it..oh well...oh..b4 that we have been in contact every other day...yay..so what? she sms me as and when she feel like it, as and when she need it..n me..been the foolish me takes on this considerate self to not tell her i miss her..to not sms her when i want to..haha..yes..life is good isnt it..life is so fantastic..everything happens for a reason..yay..rejoice..woohoo..I just love myself for allowing myself to get all hurt over a person who couldn't care less about me..ok..maybe she does care...but definitely not a lot..

Oh..of cos..to top it off..exam stress..I realised how stressed and lost I was under this mountain load of readings I have only through an exchange of sms...

Min Li sms-ed me, 'Eh.who were the founding fathers? washington, thomas jefferson,james madison, who else?'

Me,'Abraham Lincoln?'

Oh..for goodness sake..what a stupid mistake..Lincoln is a key figure in the American Civil War not the American battle for independence against England...damn..Must be a reflex answer as I was lost in the world of the Civil War reading..when I saw her sms...sighz..its pretty funny at first..but on deeper reflection...yanwei, you better freaking buck up...

Ok..feels so much better after ranting..I can sense that my liking for her is slowly eroded by the persistent ongoing hurt that my heart is suffering...my heart aches so much for the Red Devils now..

* God,pls bless Manchester United to beat Chelsea this sunday and guide me on the path of recovery....

A short fleeting dream..

I dreamt of her just now during my nap..despite the nap been 2 hours..the dream I must say only lasted 1/2 an hour..b4 anyone start thinking off track..it was nothing sexual..sighz...the dream was so beautiful..transplanting my sorrow in real life with her to end with a hug with her that symbolizes hope..sighz..the ironic thing..during the hug itself..I already knew that I was dreaming..my rational self creeped in to tell me that this is not logical..yet I immersed myself fully into it..sighz..

Dreams are so beautiful because they are unlikely to come true.

Ironic that I dreamt of her on the day that I decided to leave matters of the heart alone for the moment to rush my assignment due tommorow..I guess my brain lost to my heart again..as usual..

I have lost enough battles this sem in my war...I am already waking up and ready to put my all in this war(academic goal), but is it too late? Losing the battles this sem is so justified and losing the war seems to be an inevitable fact..sighz..Shall die gloriously after this last push bah..

Will the reenactment of the defence of Stalingrad happens in my case or will I finally meet my waterloo this sem..we shall see.

Thoughts..

Love expects no rewards.

Is she just craving for attention and that's why she still messages me so that she can satisfy that crave? Is she a player? Does she really still need me around? Am I just a spare tyre to her? I hate to say this..but right now, the answers to all that really doesn't matter...the bottom line is I need her..at least..for the moment..

I miss her voice.
I miss her laughters.
I miss her blushes.
I miss her.

Am I in love? I certainly hope not..I want to think of myself as liking her a lot...She brought me so much laughter, joy, sweetness, warmth and perhaps even the feeling of love but why are all that always conditioned with disappointment, sorrow, agony, helplessness and the painful feeling of missing her...

I am happily sad? Am I...or am I just crazy? Or are all the feelings felt now just a fleeting mirage that will clear up with time..

I don't know..I know I need a reality check..with her though..after every reality check..I sink back to the situation b4 the reality check...I guess the most I can do is to limit the hurt and the thing I want most is to know that she's happy and perhaps one day able to hear her laugh n see her blush again..

*Love expects no rewards, is that too idealistic? I wonder...

a lazy sat..

Caught up with much needed sleep..10.30pm(fri) to 12.30noon(sat),then 4.30 to 6.30pm for a nap..the weather was just too tempting..watched Superman Return vcd from 7 plus to 10pm,jogging at 12midnite, 1am watch soccer..amidst all the intervals was online slacking..ok..I 'wasted' another day..but hey..a chinese saying goes, 'resting is to prepare one for walking the longer path'..I vow to study really hard tmr.

Ups and downs, Ups and downs, happy,unhappy,joys,sorrows,they keep coming one after another..making me just tired....

Sighz..friday,saturday,sunday sometimes sucks..becos I know she will be spending much of these days with her bf..which means she won't feel the need to sms/msn me..its always on these days that reality sinks in and I feel like I'm just a spare tyre..

*Noone is indispensible in this world, but I hate the thought that I am dispensible to her. Sighz..

I have fallen in love with this song~

I have fallen in love with this song..

THE ONE YOU LOVE
Glenn Frey, Jack Tempchin

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to
Who will understand what you're going through
When it comes to love, there's no easy answer
Only you can say what you're gonna do
I heard you on the phone, you took his number
Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon
Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?
Isn't he the one who made you blue?
When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gona say when he comes over?
There's no easy way to see this through
All the broken dreams, all the disappointment
Oh girl, what you gonna do?
Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair
But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

a lousy nite

6am..Manchester United got beaten by Southend...just witnessed a giantkilling act on my beloved team..sighz..kudos to the underdogs..arraggz..it never pains me to watch the Red Devils lose...

Lailin said to me, 'Just don't peg your moods to her.' Yah,I need to do that..but could anyone explain to me the joy felt in knowing that she did well in her favorite presentation today? How do one explain the depressing feeling of just wanting to chat more with her when she's online n feel an imagined or real sense of coldness because she's bz doing her other stuff..sighz..I do miss her..I yearn to hear her voice..I could call her..but no..I'm not going to do that..what for..? Trying to keep a distance from her is my way of minimizing hurt..Perhaps..the best way is to sink myself into the seemingly never-ending papers that I have to hand in..and then the exams...

* I wish I can watch the sunrise with her...

Another battle lost in the war~

I completed my ethnicity n religion essay 2 hours ago,40minutes b4 submission time and send it over to my friend to hand in for me since he had to hand in the same essay and he reached ps dept at 5.12pm and to his horror, the pigeon hole was already empty and the prof wasn't in his office. 12 mins late and if the prof is going to penalize me for that, he's going to be number 1 on my hate list. Sighz..the thing is he's a pretty particular prof that he can be quite anal at times..true..its my fault that the submission was late but for 12 mins..darn..

Anyway, the essay was not a masterpiece, nothing to be proud of, failed to match my expectations so even without the possible penalty, it was not going to be an A grade essay..sighz..another battle lost in the war for a first class honours. Because of my slip-ups in the first half of the sem, there's already no margin for error and yet, I failed to manage my time well enough to do justice to my work. I hate it when I know I lost the battle because of my own efforts..

Fighting a losing war,losing another battle in the war, is the war a foregone conclusion with the battles already lost so far? Needing to take the day off and pick myself up for the battles that are looming ahead. I will not give up until the war is lost. As long as there is a slim chance of winning the war, I will march on.

* Dreams may be dreams, but I'm still dreaming of doing my PHD in Harvard, Cambridge or Oxford and the minimum criteria for that dream-a first class honours.

destressed

Its so amazing how she make me feel destressed...i was so stressed b4 i chatted with her online..but she made me feel so much better..perhaps its the brackets that she uses..perhaps its her writing style..perhaps its becos she's a pyschology major..but i think ultimately its becos its her..its just her..she's my drug...for now...

I miss the days when I am a boy...

I miss the days when I can indulge myself in the world of dragonball cards and comics and forget about the whole world.
I miss the days when I play basketball and soccer almost everyday and not worry about what that might do to my studies(except for my favorite subject,history).
I miss the days when I,my best friend Andrew and Hardy will just hang around in school laughing,joking,playing pespsi cola 1-2-3,using stone as soccer ball and dreading arts n craft n technical lessons(ok,I'm the only one who dreaded both lessons. >.<)
I miss the days when gals are the least important thing in life and having fun is the most important thing in life.
I miss the days when I can joke about Andrew's sexy mole and think that's a polite thing to do.(gone are those days,there's only the sexy scar left)
I miss the days when completing games like romance of 3 kingdoms and super mario brothers are the most important and pressing things on my mind.
I miss the days when Eric Cantona and Michael Jordan reign supreme and I idolize them like they really are God.
I miss the days when I can be a crybaby and cry freely when I'm sad and don't have to control my emotions.
I miss the days when I am a boy...

i won't let history repeat itself..i hope

Smsed her in the morning to wish her gd morning..saw her online just now..chatted with her for like 1 plus hours..we didn't flirt like last time..I just wanted to know how she is..n joked a bit with her..it was all well..until she probed into how I am..I wanted to be mean n say, 'shall keep u guessing then'..after saying this..my heart actually ached..n i typed 'i'm ok'..then she probed into what's ok..subjective,doesnt say much n stuff..so i told her,'i'm recovering'..then behold..the magic of computer failures- my com auto restart..haha..perfect timing..came online again..n i just clarified my position that I am not holding any illusions,won't revert back to the past and sighz..just wanted to talk to her as a friend..sighz..

I can't bear to tell her I'm still not over her..my heart still hurts..I still can't forget her..I am certainly on the road of recovery though..I just needed that short relief perhaps? I hope this won't bring me back to square one..it won't bah..I mean...I can still somehow care as a friend rite..as long as I am able to recover..I can still care even in a limited way right..I wish I can be the one to tide her over her bad moods instantly..but I can't do that..I just hope to share some of her problems sometimes..I know right now, at this stage, I will still be there for her no matter what..but I can't tell her that..becos I dun want to be a life buoy..yet I want to care..with minimal hurt..caring for her is actually what I desire most..n its like a drug to curb my feeling of missing her..I just hope that I won't abuse this drug..becos this drug is subjected to a total break of supply as long as she feel like it..eventually..I hope and I know(I KNOW!!!..gotta drill this in my mind) that I can live without this drug..I can don't miss her in this sense anymore..n perhaps..care for her as a friend..becos she's special..she really is..I don't understand why I like her so much but it doesn't matter why..what matters is..I can't have her..so SIGHZ...so..

I won't let history repeat itself.
I rather get obsessed with my dream of a first class.
I want to recover.

her msn nick.

seeking-solace-in-a-mad-world

Is she ok? How I wish I can just go and ask her..? Have been pondering over how she is since I saw her nick in the afternoon..first time I saw her online for like 2 plus weeks..

I wish I know how she is..I hope she's doing well or at least coping..if only we are still friends..if only I didn't want to wake up...if only..

...........

A hazy night,
A forlorn man,
A passing thought,
A broken heart.

Departed

I watched the movie Departed just now,its a remake of the immensely succesful HK movie Infernal Affairs and like all remakes..it just can't beat the original..one comment by my friend really struck me..the incredulous tone that my friend said to another friend who didn't watch the original movie," the plot was adopted from a chinese scriptwriter,k"..I can sense the pride yet this pride is built(from my beliefs) on the subconscious acknowledgement that Asian movies, HK,Japanese or even Bollywood still have some way to go before matching Hollywood's standards. I hate to admit it but having been fed the American culture since I was young, this 'white man's superiority' in the soft power sense does exist..however..we seriously need to break out of this pseudo belief, there are really a lot of good Asian movies, Brotherhood and My Sassy Gal/Windstruck are among my favorite movies and they are Korean movies, Be with Me,a local movie also stole some of my tears..

Anyway,back to the movie,despite some superficial changes,the storyline remains to a large extent similar to the original,however..there's a subplot that made me really uncomfortable with the movie, the Hollywood version depicted Matt Damon's girlfriend as cheating on him(despite loving him at the same time) and actually had a 'relationship'(sex included of cos) with Leo. When Leo went to find the girlfriend for comfort at some stage in the show, the girlfriend actually told Leo, "I'm sorry,but I can't be your friend again." @#$^*#@..The girlfriend's actions,the cheating on Matt turns me off to the core..the thought of seeing someone cheating on the person she love really sucks to the core. How could she be so fucking selfish..yah yah..sell me the crap that one can't help but develop feelings for another even when loving someone else..with a bit of self control..the feelings would not lead to the cheating lah..sighz..

Sometimes, I wonder is it inevitable that lust will overpower love at some stage in life? Do I have to admit that love can conquer all,a theory I guard so jealously is just a figment of senseless fairytale-like belief? I don't know..maybe I'm naive,maybe I'm idealistic but I prefer to keep this small part of me intact..

history

Those who remember the past are condemned to make the opposite mistakes."
-Santayana

Why does his maxim sounds so applicable to me? I will remember the opposite mistakes I made in the months that flew by so as to not commit them again..

2 weeks has flown past with no contact with her...
Its really over...?
Rejected the opportunity to attend a gd friend's surprise b'day celebration in early nov. becos I don't want to see her..right decision?
Yet,I'm still thinking about what christmas present to buy for her..stupid. :0
Sighz..bouts of missing her like that in intervals like this must stop soon..
Getting tired...really tired..

"Religion is the opiate of the masses"
- Marx

Have been listening to christian songs frequently these days..its weird that these songs can actually provide me with peace..sighz..so tempted to buy a bible..I can't find mine(a gift from my ex) :(...Maybe at this vulnerable stage..one do need some supernatural help...I'm not a christian..yet in the past..I have turned to my bible for help..always said the bible is a good self-help book..doubting whether it is really just a self help book..or is God reaching out to me, offering words of comfort where I really need it..sighz..

Its 5am..the break of dawn will be approaching soon..yet..my mind is filled with her words-'The darkening sky is so beautiful', her describing the sunset, which my reply was 'Yah,its a pity that sunsets are beautiful yet short'..

The sun has set and the darkness creeps in,a nite with no moon,a dead city,a troubled soul awaiting painfully for the break of dawn again..

what a week!~

I like to blog when I am on a high from alcohol..yet not drunk to feel miserable..
I just got back home from a chalet with my ex-collegues from mindef nexus,psd dept..they are a really happening lot..I'm so glad that in my first real working experience..I get to know such a great bunch of happening n fun pple that I can click so freely with..had lots of fun with the bbq,card games and of cos the various varieties of alcohol..we were even drinking b4 we left the chalet!~ Hope to see you all soon at colin's farewell ord dinner at wala wala or something :)

A hectic and happening week indeed..the pubbing on tuesday which actually made me feel worse n miss her more n then the mcys feedback unit's 21st anniversary dinner at pan pacific hotel. REACH is the feedback unit's new name!! lol..anyway..the dinner was pretty fun..an eye opener in many ways,the political speech,the hierchical seating..the media..etc etc..won't elaborate on such boring stuff..but the two sideshows that got me quite enchanted.

The first sideshow is the really pretty yet prim n proper jc teacher that was sitting beside me at my table..she proves my preference for teachers n perhaps also strengthens my preference against accountants and lawyers..teachers just seem more likely to be paragons virtues..of cos I'm generalizing here..but she really caught my attention somewhat..though of cos I didn't ask for her number..becos of my current emotional condition and the fact that I'm still a student.

The second sideshow must be the presence of at least 6 other fellow ps students at the dinner..this is like so amazing becos ps majors' presence in such arenas show the activism of our students in civil service endeavours..I feel so much at ease after seeing them around at the dinner..furthermore..from small talk with civil servants at the dinner..ps majors do seem to leave the impression that we are an opinionated,outspoken lot..lalala..which is really gd..lol

After the dinner..I saw my ex..whose position in my heart needs no elaboration..she's just special..yet I feel no sense of romantic love towards her anymore..she still remains as my biggest regret..just glad that she will be here for me no matter how much I neglect u..just happy to see her tired(from work) and yet chirpy..may we stay in touch forever..n I must remind myself to meet up with her soon n not keep not finding the time to meet her..last met her only in may..sighz..I hope I dun give her the feeling that she's dispensible..she's not..its more of monetary concerns that I dun meet her..becos its really expensive to go out with her..the drinks at those posh places costs a bomb..still a poor student man..give me another 2 yrs..will try to make up for it..

And of cos the chalet on sat,sun..lol..yay..in between these events in the week..lots of mugging n rushing for papers too..arraggz...my deadlines are all crashing in on me..need to start mugging really soon..monday!~ free day..will mug for the whole day..

*happy,happy,happy, let's hope this happy feeling lasts and not let the feeling of misery sinks in after the high feeling wears off n the hangover sinks in..I did think of her at the chalet..sighz..but of cos..kept myself bz most of the time to not think abt. her...

what's wrong with me?

Have been smoking a lot more these days..
Just puked,just had too much to drink at a pub,just flared up at my buddy and make him damn pissed..just received a one liner e-mail from her...god..can my life get even more sucky...so..what's wrong with me..?

Is it really that hard to get over a gal..I wonder..if it is not..why am i suffering so much...i am crazy..crazy..crazy...i hate myself..the present me is detestable..getting down every nite is not me..not me at all..flaring up when a fuse is lit is me...but normally..i am able to keep that fuse tightly secured n hidden..yet..i seem to be much more easily irritated these days...its been tough...its been really sucky...i hate myself...

My obsession with a first class honours is taking an unexpected toll on me..I have been mugging..especially hard since that total break..exhausting my mind..thinking that will get me over her n also aid my road in my quest for my first class honours..yet..I am not confident at all..i feel i have wasted too much time..i feel that 4.7 or 2 A, 3A- per sem for the remainder of my nus life is just an impossible target..why can't i be fucking satisfied with a 2nd upper...why am i looking in the mirror n seeing a loser..i am a loser aint i..i want so badly for my first class..something i have aimed for even b4 i go nus...

When i wake up, I will have a bad hangover..
When i wake up, i will want my heart to be dead for her..
When i wake up, i will be fine..
When i wake up, i will put my mind,heart,soul into studying..
When i wake up, i will be happy again..
So when are u waking up, yanwei?

Recognition for my rabbit..lol

My overdue recognition for my rabbit, your owner(me) so nice hor, will remember to feed you with more carrots..lol

stupid actions..

Sighz..I had to ask her best friend, my good friend how has she been these days...her best friend said..bz with schwork lor, stressed over sch work and other than that..no other information from her le as we switched topics..how I wish I could know more. I know she's easily stressed and also like to think too much..how I wish I could just be there for her and relieve her of her stress, offer words of comfort and words of advice and a listening ear as and when she needs it..yet..I'm not there and I can't be there..sighz..why can't I be there..why can't I do that..

2nd stupid thing I did..I went to look at her sms-es on my way home just now..halfway through the reading of the sms-es..I stopped abruptly..becos the feeling of missing her just overwhelmed me..I miss her so much...I wish I could just hear her voice again..I wish I could look at the sms-es that brought me so much sweetness in the past with the same sweetness..sighz..


* All I can do is to pray and hope that she is happy and doing well in life...its been days since we last exchanged sms-es..yet it feels like months...

Proud~

I'm so proud of myself..at 5am..I just completed 12 hours worth of revision for the 30percent ICA test at 12 noon,though I have to wake up at 8.30 for my 11am tutorial(n skipping the ipsea lecture at 8am..darn,its for the better good,i need my sleep to tackle the test), I feel that finally my old self is coming back..this revision is not that last minute somemore, I don't feel that unprepared as compared to previous essays/tests this sem with her in my life...I'm so relieved that I can actually sit myself down in my room n do what I do best..mug with vigour,mug with pride,mug with purpose, I so want to be a chao mugger again..yay..no matter how the test turn out..at least I can be accountable to myself n tell myself, yanwei, u tried your best, u will do fine..you might even score(fingers crossed,not that confident though.)

I know deep down, I still miss her,maybe the feeling will come back tmr after the test or during the weekend..but I'm so glad that my quest for my first class honours,no matter how hard it seems n whether I can get it in the end, and my desire to excel in my academic endeavour kept me going again...so glad..

My first regret regarding her..

Yes, I still care..a lot for her..and I totally regret the slightly harsh tone of my sms last nite, I knew it was going to hurt her, n I hate myself for hurting her...I totally hate myself for causing hurt to someone I like so much..I hate it when I could have dealt with the situation better..perhaps..this teaches me a lesson to not do anything on impulse again..yet..only on impulse could I make a decision to make a total break from her..its so ironic that I reneged on my decision and sms her just 24 hours later, it was really affecting me so much..so I had to sms her just now at 5am apologizing for the harsh tone and conveying the same meaning of a total break..but the tone, the words more accurately reflects my feelings towards her..

Sighz..I want so much to just keep continuing caring for her...I want it so badly..yet I can't..its for my own good that I don't care for her anymore, its a tough decision to abide to, but I must try my best, because I don't want to be hurt anymore..a life buoy once dispensible is really sad..rather than wait for my own value to be lost completely n discarded away..its better to leave with some dignity and recover...I need to be selfish..I know I can be selfish..humans are born selfish anyway...I am going to vanish from her life..and its long overdue...yup..

From the bottom of my heart, I wish her happiness and hope that she will not encounter/endure/suffer any heartbreaks or problems in life..a nice gal like her deserve the best things in life...

the last time

Ok..so my heart has officially died towards her..her letter made it so clear..since there's no hope,why bother clinging on it? I should have woken up long time ago..sure..I cried again..big crybaby..but yah..its time to wake up,its time to wake up..time to face reality again..no point..keep wallowing in self pity isn't it..why care so much for a person who hurt u time n time again..she have her boyfriend to turn to, she have her gd friends to turn to..I'm no substitute and I had enough of taking on the role of a life buoy,an alternative person to turn to..I HAD ENOUGH! that's it!~ I don't want to care anymore. Its been one month since I heard her voice, I know I miss her a hell lot, I still like her a lot, but yah...so what? Its not going to change anything..clinging on will only bring me so much more pain..time to move on man..time to wake up,smell the roses n fuck the whole world. I want my first class honours, I want to be happy again, I want to not wallow in self pity again..that just sucks..that's just not me...

Ok, that's it!~ I think reality will sink in and I might suffer from a hell lot of withdrawal syndrome with a real total clean break from her when I wake up the next day...so be it then..what's need to be done, need to be done..I need to be selfish...I must tell myself I don't want to care anymore, I don't need to care anymore, she's dispensible, she's forgettable..

Sighz...Reality checks never fail to hurt,ranting never fails to heal.

* On a rational note, she's a really nice gal and I don't regret anything I did regarding her..its time to wake up and embrace the new world though. The accumulated hurt has been too much..it finally overrides all joys.

A daily routine

Missing her has become a daily routine for me..I just can't seem to be able to not miss her for even one single day...more often than not, I miss her most at very late hours..for instance, now at 5.10am..while blogging this entry..knowing that I have to wake up at 10am to go to dean's office to collect something and one whole day of studying in sch..sighz..

During the KRMF 2006 appreciation dinner today, Hong's mum asked everyone what type of gal that we are looking for..in my heart, I wanted to say her..yet..I know I can't..anyway..its pretty interesting to talk abt. idealised criteria of the gf/spouse one wants. For me, I mentioned that I will never fall for a lawyer or an accountant..this insistence that these kind of occupations may make a woman undesirable to me should stand the test of time..becos they often have really bz careers and while a lawyer can be too outspoken and articulate, an accountant can be too calculative and meticulous.

A clean break? I was certainly not wishing for one..hoping that she will still be in my life..and somehow she is still in my life..guess she didn't have the heart to just cut me off totally from her life..she sms-ed me a lame forwarded sms,prompting me to send her back an equally lame one,then one personalised sms..n one more back from me..n end of interaction... A simple short exchange of 2 sms-es actually gave me a short term release from my own missing her..yet my rational self knows this is not good for my long term recovery..judging by my daily routine of missing her...what recovery am I talking abt.?

I really want to recover..I really want to be geniunely happy again..yet I can't help myself from missing her more and more..

Sometimes, I wish I never knew her....
Sometimes, I wish I can don't wake up

6am

Sleepless at 6am..sighz...I should be damn tired after a long day..yet I can't sleep...at the break of dawn..the feeling of missing her increased..noone to chat to, mind too exhausted to be occupied, all i can do now is to surf around aimlessly,writing this blog entry and trying to tire myself..the 2 cans of heinenken that I had tonite didn't prove to be much of a comfort, when I got the really happy surprise from the Dean's Office that I got selected for the Mentorship program because an alumnus from the civil service decided to participate in this program and I am selected to be the mentee, the first person I want to break the news to was her. I wanted to share my joys with her and I did, I sms-ed her, apologizing for the one-off decision to break the enforced decision to not care for each other anymore, I wanted her to share my happiness..sighz..after her congratulations and another take care sms...I am back to face this reality of life without her...its sinking in...

The bottom line is I miss her.......a lot....

closure...

Her,
hi, Yanwei. I'm sorry to have to say this to u, but think we shouldn't care for each other anymore. It kinda affects me. yeah, hope u'd understand. take care.

A sms, an enforced outcome, a decision taken and an end. Sighz..now I can't even care for her as a friend, that really hurt....my heart is actually having this piercing pain that I have never experienced in my life...it pains me so much to not be able to care anymore, to control myself from sms-ing her again, to stop myself from caring, to stop myself from wanting to care..can I really not care anymore? I don't even have that option avaliable to contemplate the possibility of failing to achieve that.

I guess we can't even be friends anymore, I guess I will never hear from her again. She changed her blog address 3 weeks back when it was over, now I have changed my blog address becos we can't even be friends anymore.

I always knew that the person who can cause you the most hurt, conversely can bring you the most joys too. Guess, this is the last time that she will cause any more hurt in my life. Guess, this is the last phase of the recovery process that I have to go through. A phase that I didnt expect to go through..the reality of not even having her as a friend and not been able to care anymore.

Sighz..why must it hurt so much? I am still unable to delete her sms-es and her photos from my phone..maybe I can do it months from now when I have finally recovered...yet I hope I can don't do that because those were the only things that can still remind me about her and memories are things that others can't take away.

Long day..

What a long day I had...woke up at 10am to mug for American history test, then meals,travel time to school n finally the fateful test at 6pm...an easy paper..open book somemore..yet..I failed to take advantage of it and had to crap the paper because I couldn't finish revision..sighz..2nd assesment of the sem and feeling dissatisfied again..sighz...fingers crossed..it dun turn out too badly...I have a International Politics of Southeast Asia test on friday worth a pathetic 5 percent..and a Intro. to World History midterm essay due this friday that the profs just assigned today during lecture...is NUS going to kill me or what? Damn...I'm trying my best to catch up already lah...give me a break can..nvm...I will give myself a break..bleahz..as you will see in the next paragraph..lol

Had dinner at Pepper Lunch Orchard, caught a glimpse of the fireworks at Esplanade, had a couple of pints of Heinenken at Harrys Boat Quay, played pool at Parkway Parade,shopped at Mustafa, went Changi Airport with friends to pick up another air stewardess friend off work n supper at Siglap HK cafe...and finally reached home at 6am and blogging this entry 30 mins later...what a long long day...

All this on a tuesday nite..whoa..thank god I only have lessons at 4pm later...Okie..I had my very long break...now time to get down to real work with the two assignments due on friday and see whether I can squeeze in time for readings for the 3 tutorials on thursday....shucks...I realised..I am so so so busy can....damn...and I need to enjoy my social life..looking forward to drinking at fort canning live music bar on saturday...another well-deserved break...and more alcohol...lol...

* Focus, urgency, expectations, demands and concentration- Where did all of you go? To go M.I.A. without permission is strictly prohibited..so please come back before you face further disciplinary actions...lol..sighz..

Once upon a time..

Once upon a time, basketball was not only a passion but an integral part of my life, now it reminds me of my operation scars and plays a peripheral part.

Once upon a time, I believe in the essentially good nature of humans and kindness will be repaid in kind, now this has proven to be a myth and one needs to learn how to protect himself in the vast jungle out there where only the fittest survives.

Once upon a time, I was untainted, innocent, anti-vices and perceived the world in black and white terms, now I question the concept of truth and norms, pondering over the greyness of issues and burning my life away with cigarettes.

Once upon a time, I was close to my best friend, seeing each other a few times every week, sharing every secret and exploring life as a teenager together, now we are drifting apart due to extraneous factors and different life experiences.

Once upon a time, I loved a gal and thought she was the gal who I want and need for the rest of my life, now she's happily married and we maintains a hi-bye friendship.

I have grown up...and how things have changed, William Blake was right, childlike innocence once lost can never be recovered..

Comforted...

LArLiN says:
really hope to get the old yanwei back soon.

Nine simple words...it lifted me instantly...even for a moment..

My old self according to dearest Lailin

LArLiN - ...,, says:
chirpy
LArLiN - ...,, says:
cheerful
LArLiN - ...,, says:
sunny
LArLiN - ...,, says:
always manage to light my days up despite being a super irritating creep.

Haha...her response to my request to describe my old self brought me even more laughter...I miss the days when I can summon enough mood to suan her. She has been playing the role of aunt agony for quite some time...just wanna use this chance to thank you, Aunt Lailin. Give me time and you will have your old yanwei back. Cheers to more suaning. lol

Issues

This must be one of the most trying periods in my life, everything just seem to be happening and I am so tired....I wish I could just run away from all this and not face all these issues...

Best Friend

My best friend's work permit got rejected and have to fly back to Malaysia. I won't be able to see him much around anymore and seeing him so confused about his own future and me unable to do anything to help him just sucks. I will not forget you, Andrew and I pray that you don't forget me too. My best friend for 10 years, take care.

Relationships

My buddy just broke up with a gal he love deeply but the problems just seem to be so insurmountable.
My good friend is still suffering from a rejection from a gal he likes.
Two more close friends are not recovering from their hearbreaks despite the fact that months have passed, apparently time can't heal all wounds(or even a few wounds).

Etc, etc, etc, sighz...everyone around me seems to be going through shit...damn it....

Academic stuff

I hate to be a mute during tutorials, I want to regain my confident self during tutorials again. I need to catch up on all the readings that I have neglected before I can speak up more again. Arraggz...all the assignment datelines are closing in. Yanwei, if you don't buck up, you are going to feel worse than hell. Suddenly the possibility of failure haunts..everyone seems to be expecting that I will do well, get good grades and fare well...at this moment I feel that I'm closer to a first class seat to hell then a first class honours...I am so screwed...

Her

I know she still reads my blog, maybe I should change my blog address...how I wish I could still read her blog, how I wish I could still care for her like in the past..but that's such a receipe for disaster. I still miss her yet I need to make the rational choice of not doing anything in order to not be hurt even more. I really don't noe what I want and cant control my actions and thoughts sometimes...but the bottom line is since she's back with her boyfriend, I do need to get over her....

Rant,rant,rant...must be the lack of sleep...going to have as much sleep as I want tonite...tmr will be a better day, I hope..(sometimes, false hope is better than no hope)

Its over

Its over. Its the end. Will we even be friends in the future? Will I see her again? Life always provides me with questions that I can't answer. Yet, the pain is setting in and I need to break the routine of waking up to her sms-es, looking forward to hearing her voice on the phone, looking at her photos while missing her, yearning for the unfulfilled dream of listening to her playing the song Right Here Waiting for me. All these have to be consigned to history and memories and my feelings for her to the bin. If only it doesn't hurt so much...yet it hurt a lot and still hurt.

I have always been one to go to the extremes and turning to nicotine and alcohol for theraupatic purposes seems to be harmful or foolish to say the least. But, I always knew I needed to turn to the extreme at the very start to kickstart my own recovery process. I got very drunk at my buddy's house,smoked, cried, wallow, talked nonsense, listened to advices and finally ended up with a massive hangover that is still present while typing this blog entry. Yet at the end of the day, I finally felt much better. The hangover had a desirable impact of overriding any other emotions. The drinking session provided me an avenue for release.

I will be fine, I will recover, I will find my focus back...I can't wallow in sadness for too long.
Thanks to all my friends who showed me lots of care and concern and who will continue showing me even more care and concern. I will be fine. The real battle has only just started....

Contented....

In life, the most difficult thing is to be contented. At least that's where I always have difficulty in. In relation to my pragmatic goals in life, I still need to find the balance, find the ability to be contented with what I achieve. From a below expectation O-level results to a 2nd upper class honours range to a fantastic testimonial for my internship, I always feel that I could have done better. In a perfect world, I will have entered Temasek JC, in the first class range and get the coveted good intern award(3 out of 69 interns got it). However, the world isn't perfect and I ought to pat myself on the back n tell myself, "Yanwei, you have tried your best, well done." Slowly, I have learnt to be contented, though I will still try my best to achieve my goals, I will not be so hard on myself when I don't meet my goals.

"Aim for the moon, drop amongst the stars" A philosophy that I have followed since JC, my close friend told me, " Yanwei, there's no stars for me". I agreed then..deep down, I know I may not be able to achieve my dreams but I know I will still be doing very well in life. I have faith and I need to be contented.

With relations to the matters of the heart though, a totally different person appears. I have learnt not to expect too much. I have always been contented with the little joys that appears in this aspect of my life. The more one expects, the more hurt one will get. In an area that I seem to have less control in, I am thankful for all the joys and I have learnt to be contented, to bask in the happiness when its there, to cope with the pain when it appears. Right now, I'm happy and I hope this happiness will last a slightly longer time before it is overtaken by pain again. I hope...

it hurts so much...

My heart is bleeding and it is a haemorrhage.
My mind is spinning and it is a whirlwind.
My emotions are running and it is a rollercoaster.
My bio clock is warping and it is a norm.
My priorities are shifting and it is a disaster.

I always knew it was going to be tough.
I always knew I am going to get hurt.
I always knew I am not a player.
I always knew I am a hopeless idealist.

Yet, amidst all the confusions, all the uncertainties, I never expected myself to feel so hurt so soon. Ignorance is bliss. Why did I want the truth so badly? Because, I never expected the stuff she said? I never expected myself to be such a bad judge of character? I never expected myself to be so hurt so soon? My idealised image of her just got brutally erased with every words that I read from her diary. Instantly, all the joy, all the happiness, all the sweetness, all the anticipation went blazing in flames. In its place, confusion sinks in, sorrow rushes in, pain overrides every other emotion felt. I requested to smoke even when I promised her I won't smoke with her. The first broken promise that parellels my broken heart.

What am I going to do?
Take a break from her and leave her to sink even more in her own problems and risk her getting even more hurt?
Continue allowing my heart to bleed until it is not broken but dead and allowing myself to like her more n more?

I want her to be happy. I want her to recover. I do not need to have her as my girlfriend. I do need her to pull herself up again though. Yet, while helping her out of her emotional turmoil, I'm afraid I myself will actually be going through a larger emotional turmoil. How I wish I could be a bit more selfish, a bit less idealistic and a lot stronger.

Another rollercoaster day

A routine rollercoaster day

I exchanged sms-es with her in the afternoon, I was elated, things seemed to be going well again.

I exchanged sms-es with her in the evening, reality came back to haunt, I got very down and felt helpless.

I exchanged sms-es with her at night, all seemed to be well again, I was feeling normal.


Everyday, I look forward to her sms-ing me so I can know how she's feeling and yet..on the back of my mind, I have this nagging thought, a most rational judgement, that I'm just someone who she knows that will be there for her, who will offer her words of comfort, who will show her lots of care and concern but not someone she likes/loves.

I don't mind the fact that I am that someone because I like her. I want her to be happy. I want to see her smile always. I want to share her problems and her sorrows. But this is a dangerous route that I am trekking on. I feel helpless when I can't cheer her up. My heart really hurts when she tells me she's down becos she misses someone.( happens again and again)

I hope she will be happy tmr. May God bless her and may she get well soon!~



* Be strong, becos she needs you even if she dun like you.

Its my choice.

Its my choice.

Its my choice to carry on caring for her, going out with her and be there for her when she need me.
Its my choice to be receptive to her sms-es, to want to meet her and to want to see her.
Its my choice to want to know her better, to risk liking her even more and to be a lot more hurt in future.

Its my fault

Its my fault that I chose to listen to my heart instead of listening to my head in this seemingly impossible dream.
Its my fault for choosing to go through this emotional rollercoaster when I have a choice to pull out of it right from the start.
Its my fault to make my friends share my sorrows and worry about me when I get all down and sad.

Around ten years ago, I made a choice(wholly different one) and I hurt the one I love. It was totally my fault back then. It remains my biggest regret to date. Perhaps, things have come a full circle. Now, I will be hurt by someone I like and may eventually come to love(fingers crossed, it don't happen) and this hurt will be as deep if not deeper than the hurt I have caused to that angel in the past.

Its my choice, its my fault. Its my time to be hurt.

I'm down.

Why am I so vulnerable? Am I hurt that easily? Am I just a crazy idealist not capable of coping emotionally with rejection? Am I still a child when it comes to this aspect of my life? Have I not grown up? What is exactly wrong with me? I don't know...all I know is I'm hurt and I can't blame anyone except myself. Who says history doesn't repeat itself? Nice guys do finish last..I need to seriously ponder over what's wrong with me..For instance, why am I whining on a public mechanism such as a blog? Especially when none of my friends remember this blog or even know of it in the first place...I guess I do need a venue to just let my emotions go...Guys don't cry? Of cos, when we grow up, we can't cry..not in public at least, why? becos that's just not socially accepted..so..holed up in my room, in the privacy of my room..I cried..
Crying does make a person feel better. Crying releases the pent up emotions, the sudden surge of disappointment, the pain of the bursting of a bubble. Crying is a tool that I have not exploited for a long time. Yet, in this instance, I broke.
I'm just a loser.
I'm just a wimp.
I'm just a child.
I'm just a nobody.
If there was a saying that I grew to love recently, it is definitely Machiavelli's-

" I laugh, and my laughter is not within me;
I burn, and the burning is not seen outside."

I hope I can create this facade well, I hope I can at least pretend to be happy again. I hope that when I wake up, I can look at all this and say-'hey, move on dude, it aint that painful'. I hope...