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I went for my Grandma's birthday celebration this evening. Can't help but notice the absence of some of my uncles, aunties and cousins..has life gotten that busy for them to actually miss ah ma's b'day..haiz...
My Ah Ma is 76 le, a very strong woman,someone whom I not only respect a lot but also shares a special bond with. She went through so much, raising 6 daughters and 3 sons singlehandedly, still selling the same vegetables, bean sprouts, mee,etc,etc today(even when she can retire le) and still worrying about her children and her grandchildren. I would like to think that I have not given her any reason to worry about me, but I am not so foolish to even contemplate that thought.....
I am her favorite grandchild. As the son of her eldest son and also the eldest grandson, I guess this comes as no surprise. I must be that first special bundle of joy. And I remembered she did spoil me a lot. What I can't get from my parents, I got from her. I don't have any figment of memory of her scolding me but only how she rub away my tears, be there for me,siding with me even when I'm wrong and I guess, just the sight of her calms me, sometimes, perhaps even more than the presence of my parents. She doesn't have to say that she loves me, I can feel it, geniune, altruistic love that she has for every one of her children and her grandchildren....
Maybe that's why the absence of these aunties,uncles and cousins was quite poignant for me. I have never missed Ah Ma's birthday and I made a promise to myself today that I will try my very best to attend Ah Ma's birthday as much as circumstances allow me to. For what can be more important than the birthday of my dearest ah ma(maybe, a mission in the name of national security is one such matter though :p-haha, think too much le).
Ah Ma, I know its not in our family tradition to say this and I don't think you will ever hear this from me in person or been able to read this blog entry,but I just wanted to say,
I love you. Happy Birthday :)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
tagged
I got tagged by Yixian. So, I shall be nice and not disappoint her.
Rules: Each player of the game starts off by writing 6 weird things about themselves before choosing another 6 of their friends to "sabo". People who get tagged needs to write in a blog on their own, 6 weird things about themselves and state the rules clearly.
1. I have a fetish for NAZI history. So much so that, I think I will make a good NAZI historian. :p
2. I'm a pragmatic realist when I deal with mundane matters, yet a hopeless idealist when it is issues concerning matters of the heart.
3. I listen to Christian songs and read the bible when I'm really down. Yet, I do not see myself becoming a christian anytime soon. Possibly this may be due to me not wanting to become a christian in a time when I need external, divine help. I will only become a christian when I can turn to God in a position of strength. Sounds weird enough? I think so too...
4. I am usually chatty and affable yet, my vocabulary and grammar may disappear when I meet someone I like. Hmm.....
5. People say I am a sadist. Perhaps, I see the rationale for pain. Pain makes you appreciate things more. Scars on the other hand is a totally different thing...
6. I am indeed a bundle of contradictions. now, that's weird isn't it? :p
Okie, I won't tag anyone. And, friends reading this, try not to tag me too. Don't exactly like doing tags. :p
Rules: Each player of the game starts off by writing 6 weird things about themselves before choosing another 6 of their friends to "sabo". People who get tagged needs to write in a blog on their own, 6 weird things about themselves and state the rules clearly.
1. I have a fetish for NAZI history. So much so that, I think I will make a good NAZI historian. :p
2. I'm a pragmatic realist when I deal with mundane matters, yet a hopeless idealist when it is issues concerning matters of the heart.
3. I listen to Christian songs and read the bible when I'm really down. Yet, I do not see myself becoming a christian anytime soon. Possibly this may be due to me not wanting to become a christian in a time when I need external, divine help. I will only become a christian when I can turn to God in a position of strength. Sounds weird enough? I think so too...
4. I am usually chatty and affable yet, my vocabulary and grammar may disappear when I meet someone I like. Hmm.....
5. People say I am a sadist. Perhaps, I see the rationale for pain. Pain makes you appreciate things more. Scars on the other hand is a totally different thing...
6. I am indeed a bundle of contradictions. now, that's weird isn't it? :p
Okie, I won't tag anyone. And, friends reading this, try not to tag me too. Don't exactly like doing tags. :p
Monday, September 10, 2007
sunshine
Its a bit ironic that I use the term sunshine to describe my feelings today. Considering that I had a 9am class on a rainy morning coupled with a minimum of 2 hours of sleep(my warped clock, tsk), the signs for a monday blues seem both ominious and imminent. However, this turned out to be my best monday for weeks.
Its amazing how little things in life can bring you so much joy. A simple sms from someone special just filled my heart with warmth that the cold weather cannot override. Though, I won't make the mistake of reading too much into it, as there are too much uncertainties le, but I'm really happy. And, sometimes, moments of happiness like this are not meant to be rationally deconstructed.
And my best friend, Andrew who went M.I.A.-ing in KL with his work, work, work is finally online for the longest time ever(ok, i may be exaggerating, but hey, a month is a long time for me with regards to him, bleahz). I got to catch up with him again, hearing that he's doing fine, rocks. Telling him I miss him and knowing that he miss me too just make the day perfect. And, yes, my graduation day is far far away, but he already promised he will try his best to take leave from his work to come for it. How sweet! Shucks, I sound so gay, but if there is anyone in this world who's indispensible to me at this moment(with the exception of my family), its him. 11 yrs of friendship and counting.
School took a turn for the better too. I have managed to take it easier le. And with my filtering mechanism turned on to filter analysis from crap and my decision to switch off at crap at intervals and start drawing things on my notebook, I felt so much more at ease. What's more, there are still instances in classes that I will feel the need to speak up and actually enjoy doing that, taking a stand, speaking from a position of strength and even just some lighthearted talk. haha, its actually amazing to me how once you identify a problem, you can actually remedy it so soon.
After four weeks of school, there's actually an interesting presentation! The third presenter, Ying Shi for regional security seminar captured my attention for her whole presentation and the q n a session. She did the unimaginable thing........trying to sell a grand theory. Whole-ly unconventional and quite original indeed. Not the regular staple that my peers have dished out so far(and what I might possibly do too). A pity that her grand theory has many flaws in it that probably the majority of the class(sadly, including me) could not really buy it. The usual refrains from the ps cohort have to come into factor again, using established theoretical construct, questioning the argument with the other side of the coin and basically trying to bash something original. Sighz, must our minds really be so closed, I kinda wonder. I am seriously hoping that she can iron out the limitations of her argument and polish that raw gem into a diamond. For, originality and boldness in her argument did capture my attention. For whatever the limitations of the points in her presentation, that was a really interesting viewpoint. Her presentation brought semblances of the criticisms levelled towards Grand theorists such as Huntington(Clash of Civilization thesis) and Mackinder(Heartland theory).
What a great way to start the week! Going gym-ing tommorow too. :)
Its amazing how little things in life can bring you so much joy. A simple sms from someone special just filled my heart with warmth that the cold weather cannot override. Though, I won't make the mistake of reading too much into it, as there are too much uncertainties le, but I'm really happy. And, sometimes, moments of happiness like this are not meant to be rationally deconstructed.
And my best friend, Andrew who went M.I.A.-ing in KL with his work, work, work is finally online for the longest time ever(ok, i may be exaggerating, but hey, a month is a long time for me with regards to him, bleahz). I got to catch up with him again, hearing that he's doing fine, rocks. Telling him I miss him and knowing that he miss me too just make the day perfect. And, yes, my graduation day is far far away, but he already promised he will try his best to take leave from his work to come for it. How sweet! Shucks, I sound so gay, but if there is anyone in this world who's indispensible to me at this moment(with the exception of my family), its him. 11 yrs of friendship and counting.
School took a turn for the better too. I have managed to take it easier le. And with my filtering mechanism turned on to filter analysis from crap and my decision to switch off at crap at intervals and start drawing things on my notebook, I felt so much more at ease. What's more, there are still instances in classes that I will feel the need to speak up and actually enjoy doing that, taking a stand, speaking from a position of strength and even just some lighthearted talk. haha, its actually amazing to me how once you identify a problem, you can actually remedy it so soon.
After four weeks of school, there's actually an interesting presentation! The third presenter, Ying Shi for regional security seminar captured my attention for her whole presentation and the q n a session. She did the unimaginable thing........trying to sell a grand theory. Whole-ly unconventional and quite original indeed. Not the regular staple that my peers have dished out so far(and what I might possibly do too). A pity that her grand theory has many flaws in it that probably the majority of the class(sadly, including me) could not really buy it. The usual refrains from the ps cohort have to come into factor again, using established theoretical construct, questioning the argument with the other side of the coin and basically trying to bash something original. Sighz, must our minds really be so closed, I kinda wonder. I am seriously hoping that she can iron out the limitations of her argument and polish that raw gem into a diamond. For, originality and boldness in her argument did capture my attention. For whatever the limitations of the points in her presentation, that was a really interesting viewpoint. Her presentation brought semblances of the criticisms levelled towards Grand theorists such as Huntington(Clash of Civilization thesis) and Mackinder(Heartland theory).
What a great way to start the week! Going gym-ing tommorow too. :)
Thursday, September 06, 2007
ranting, just ranting
* What lies ahead is an incoherent ranting that does not make for easy reading.
Its 5am again. It seems like this is my favorite timing to pen some of my thoughts. Maybe, the inner turmoil that I have been going through for the past few weeks dies down at around this timing of the day. The last lap of the nite, the break of dawn nears, the sun rises and a whole new day begins. This daily occurances do amaze me, this is one of the most amazing things in life. To be able to experience this on a daily basis should suffice....no?
Fatma told me again and again, 'Life is as complicated as I made it out to be.', I'm starting to visualize this point more and more. Why do I have the tendency to complicate life itself? Life can be just simple, cant it? Yet, I feel that the complexies of life will haunt me, has haunted me since eons ago. I might have just lost that childlike innocence that Blake keeps preaching about. He's right, childlike innocence once lost, can never be recovered. Or am I still stubbornly clinging on to one part of me that remains as a child and yet can't reconcile that with my own rational thinking. For thinking with the brain is a whole different matter from thinking with the heart, maybe one should apply rationality to everything. Maybe one should exercise caution and discretion when doing anything and everything. Yet, deep down, I know I dont want that part to be lost, I want to be irrational at times, I want to be able to feel. I try my hardest to be desensitized, very hard, because I just can't look at the world and only see its bad points. I tear at movies, often silently with noone even noticing, autobiographies during times of wars and chaos, others misfortunes..yet I know there is only so much stuff that I can receive from the dark side. People are dying as and when I'm typing this blog entry or when you are reading this..yet I remained obsessed with the myopic picture of me, myself and my problems. Sometimes, I find that very ironic, isn't it already a blessing that I am alive... I remembered telling wan ting, that I can't change the world, I'm just an ordinary man, but she told me something along the lines, that you can, as long as you made a difference in another person's life and you did make a difference in mine. And so, what are some of my self-reflections of my small, negligible problems in life?
I feel like a rubber band, stretched and stretched and stretched until it snapped without me knowing. It has snapped, I realised, the outburst that happened was not just a one-off thing, its more of a long term building up process. I realised that my efforts(which is a hell lot) is not exactly bringing me that intellectual fulfilment that I am looking for. That sense of assurance, that comfortability and that ease has gone missing. I'm confused, I'm feeling an additional, unnecessary weight of stress and burden that seems to have no outlet for release. Even after completing like 200over pages of readings for one topic, my brain signals to me, there's so much more to know, this is the tip of the iceberg, you still have no access to the whole picture and this is starting to frighten me....yet, my bias towards the readings of some modules over another have left me in a precarious position that I'm far behind in readings for others. I simply do not have the time for my studies(which I value a lot) and my social life(heavily circumscribed le)....
That unnecessary pressure also arose from that excessive pride of mine. People who know me well knows that this is my biggest merit and my biggest flaw. My dream has ended, but the bruised ego remains brusied. Its like crying out for attention, asking me to soothe it, to make it feel better. To bring it the success that it craves and that means tangible results, grades in this instance. For the bruised ego insists that not meeting my own potential(however, overrated this concept is) is bad enough, to continue to underperform is even a worse sin. Coupled with that almost mythical belief in my own ability to perform, to get that A grade that I craves, this just feels like a double whammy, making failure seems like an unthinkable thing, making mediocrity appears as a non-option.
But it is just so contradictory, this kind of unnecessary, counterproductive and incessant pressure has clouded my analytical skills,made writer's blocks seems more certain, made the formulation of ideas tough and made absorption difficult, it has even affected my motivation level. I am grappling with it at the moment, trying to make life easier again for things will be much easier when you are not obsessed with something and allows you to take a step back and see things in a different light.
And no, I'm not like just fighting a war on one front, its actually two fronts. Isnt that the worst senarios that every warlord, every leaders of the nations fears? The fear of encirclement, the fear of entrapment and of course the fear of defeat.
My irrational, emotional self took a hit today. It hurts, but I guess the hurt is good. For if you don't suffer pain, how would you know what is joy? It serves as an awakening. I shall cease to care as much as my heart wants me to. Inadvertantly, I'm actually causing that person some unnecessary troubles. It puts a drain on me too, needing to take time off other kinds of worries that is actually bothering me. I felt dispensible...maybe I am not dispensible, but that feeling sure did strike me and perhaps I am dispensible. I guess, fading into oblivion seems a viable alternative isn't it, for there's no point in caring so much and making life tough for myself. I shall keep myself preoocupied with all the stuff that I have on hand now. Haiz...
What a long entry, blogging does have its therapeutic effects. I guess, in this journey in life, there are times when people will fall by the sidelines, needing a reality check and just some time to clear their thoughts.
Its 5am again. It seems like this is my favorite timing to pen some of my thoughts. Maybe, the inner turmoil that I have been going through for the past few weeks dies down at around this timing of the day. The last lap of the nite, the break of dawn nears, the sun rises and a whole new day begins. This daily occurances do amaze me, this is one of the most amazing things in life. To be able to experience this on a daily basis should suffice....no?
Fatma told me again and again, 'Life is as complicated as I made it out to be.', I'm starting to visualize this point more and more. Why do I have the tendency to complicate life itself? Life can be just simple, cant it? Yet, I feel that the complexies of life will haunt me, has haunted me since eons ago. I might have just lost that childlike innocence that Blake keeps preaching about. He's right, childlike innocence once lost, can never be recovered. Or am I still stubbornly clinging on to one part of me that remains as a child and yet can't reconcile that with my own rational thinking. For thinking with the brain is a whole different matter from thinking with the heart, maybe one should apply rationality to everything. Maybe one should exercise caution and discretion when doing anything and everything. Yet, deep down, I know I dont want that part to be lost, I want to be irrational at times, I want to be able to feel. I try my hardest to be desensitized, very hard, because I just can't look at the world and only see its bad points. I tear at movies, often silently with noone even noticing, autobiographies during times of wars and chaos, others misfortunes..yet I know there is only so much stuff that I can receive from the dark side. People are dying as and when I'm typing this blog entry or when you are reading this..yet I remained obsessed with the myopic picture of me, myself and my problems. Sometimes, I find that very ironic, isn't it already a blessing that I am alive... I remembered telling wan ting, that I can't change the world, I'm just an ordinary man, but she told me something along the lines, that you can, as long as you made a difference in another person's life and you did make a difference in mine. And so, what are some of my self-reflections of my small, negligible problems in life?
I feel like a rubber band, stretched and stretched and stretched until it snapped without me knowing. It has snapped, I realised, the outburst that happened was not just a one-off thing, its more of a long term building up process. I realised that my efforts(which is a hell lot) is not exactly bringing me that intellectual fulfilment that I am looking for. That sense of assurance, that comfortability and that ease has gone missing. I'm confused, I'm feeling an additional, unnecessary weight of stress and burden that seems to have no outlet for release. Even after completing like 200over pages of readings for one topic, my brain signals to me, there's so much more to know, this is the tip of the iceberg, you still have no access to the whole picture and this is starting to frighten me....yet, my bias towards the readings of some modules over another have left me in a precarious position that I'm far behind in readings for others. I simply do not have the time for my studies(which I value a lot) and my social life(heavily circumscribed le)....
That unnecessary pressure also arose from that excessive pride of mine. People who know me well knows that this is my biggest merit and my biggest flaw. My dream has ended, but the bruised ego remains brusied. Its like crying out for attention, asking me to soothe it, to make it feel better. To bring it the success that it craves and that means tangible results, grades in this instance. For the bruised ego insists that not meeting my own potential(however, overrated this concept is) is bad enough, to continue to underperform is even a worse sin. Coupled with that almost mythical belief in my own ability to perform, to get that A grade that I craves, this just feels like a double whammy, making failure seems like an unthinkable thing, making mediocrity appears as a non-option.
But it is just so contradictory, this kind of unnecessary, counterproductive and incessant pressure has clouded my analytical skills,made writer's blocks seems more certain, made the formulation of ideas tough and made absorption difficult, it has even affected my motivation level. I am grappling with it at the moment, trying to make life easier again for things will be much easier when you are not obsessed with something and allows you to take a step back and see things in a different light.
And no, I'm not like just fighting a war on one front, its actually two fronts. Isnt that the worst senarios that every warlord, every leaders of the nations fears? The fear of encirclement, the fear of entrapment and of course the fear of defeat.
My irrational, emotional self took a hit today. It hurts, but I guess the hurt is good. For if you don't suffer pain, how would you know what is joy? It serves as an awakening. I shall cease to care as much as my heart wants me to. Inadvertantly, I'm actually causing that person some unnecessary troubles. It puts a drain on me too, needing to take time off other kinds of worries that is actually bothering me. I felt dispensible...maybe I am not dispensible, but that feeling sure did strike me and perhaps I am dispensible. I guess, fading into oblivion seems a viable alternative isn't it, for there's no point in caring so much and making life tough for myself. I shall keep myself preoocupied with all the stuff that I have on hand now. Haiz...
What a long entry, blogging does have its therapeutic effects. I guess, in this journey in life, there are times when people will fall by the sidelines, needing a reality check and just some time to clear their thoughts.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
actually
Its simple, actually.
No fuss, no complications.
Just simplicity, that's all.
Its nothing, actually.
Absence, void, emptiness.
Just nothingness, that's all.
Its history, actually.
Past tense, memories.
Just history, that's all.
Its melancholy, actually.
Irrational, fleeting.
Just melancholy, that's all.
No fuss, no complications.
Just simplicity, that's all.
Its nothing, actually.
Absence, void, emptiness.
Just nothingness, that's all.
Its history, actually.
Past tense, memories.
Just history, that's all.
Its melancholy, actually.
Irrational, fleeting.
Just melancholy, that's all.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
my ps clique
I felt so lost on my first day of school. The usual faces at the dungeon were no longer there and I felt the loss of my ps clique- Heyi, Hong, Meiling and Zheyuan. School without them just doesn't seem to be school anymore. So lost, that I sms-ed Meiling and Hong about it. I did most of my projects in nus with them, ate lunch with them, chilling out in the library, rushing midterm papers throughout the nite together, going out pubbing/pool/studying until wee hours into the morning or even morning with them. Haiz, all I needed in political science was just them. Hong's last semester in nus le... seeing him on thursday brought back so much comfort, yes, I missed my first lesson in nus becos he overslept, but still, just seeing him in this setting cheers me up. Going to his house to play with Mocha made my day even better. We plan to take the same tutorials for the only two modules we have together, me sacrificing my only free day and he taking a 10am lesson at a huge risk because we know that this is probably the last semester in our life that we study together. I'm really thankful to have him for this semester before I 'go solo' next semester.
Going solo is of course too drastic to describe it, I still have friends whom I knew for quite some time to hang out with- Roy and the new media gang to talk cock with, Peishan(going for sep this sem), Wanrong, Fatma, Nabilla,Min Li, Joan, Zhixiang are amongst the friends I have known for quite a while that I feel at ease with to study together. And also my PA internmates- Daniel, Yishu, Hock Sing and Ben whom I clicked so well during my internship. Even though this is only the first week of school, I also know quite a few new friends le...
But at the end of the day, I guess, I will still miss my PS clique and when Hong finally graduates this sem, I will feel that school as a Political Science Major has more or less ended in a metaphorical sense for me too. Oh well, partings are just part and parcel of life, no longer coursemates but definitely friends for life. :)
Going solo is of course too drastic to describe it, I still have friends whom I knew for quite some time to hang out with- Roy and the new media gang to talk cock with, Peishan(going for sep this sem), Wanrong, Fatma, Nabilla,Min Li, Joan, Zhixiang are amongst the friends I have known for quite a while that I feel at ease with to study together. And also my PA internmates- Daniel, Yishu, Hock Sing and Ben whom I clicked so well during my internship. Even though this is only the first week of school, I also know quite a few new friends le...
But at the end of the day, I guess, I will still miss my PS clique and when Hong finally graduates this sem, I will feel that school as a Political Science Major has more or less ended in a metaphorical sense for me too. Oh well, partings are just part and parcel of life, no longer coursemates but definitely friends for life. :)
Thursday, August 16, 2007
a fan's agony
Its 5am. Manchester United drew again. 2 draws in 2 matches. 4 points off the top of the table already. I can feel my heart wrenching with every passing minute of the matches. My mood changes from confidence to optimism to nervous-ness to despair and finally resignation. With a Manchester derby in the weekend, I start to wonder, can life get even more painful for a Red Devils fan? Nonsense, my heart tells me, 'Of course, we are going to win that game and many many games from now on, we are after all Manchester United.'
The title race is still not over, bleahz. I shall wear my favorite Manchester United t-shirt later for classes.
And at the end of the season, I shall sing to the tune of ' We are the Champions, We are the Champions of England...' and ' Glory Glory, Man United, Glory Glory, Man United, Glory Glory, Man United, and the Reds go marching on...'
The title race is still not over, bleahz. I shall wear my favorite Manchester United t-shirt later for classes.
And at the end of the season, I shall sing to the tune of ' We are the Champions, We are the Champions of England...' and ' Glory Glory, Man United, Glory Glory, Man United, Glory Glory, Man United, and the Reds go marching on...'
Sunday, August 05, 2007
beautiful song
Beautiful. Lailin, when I read about your blog post regarding your reaction towards my elaboration of how crazy this world is, I seriously have no reply. Yes, I painted a very bleak picture of the world and 'ignorance is still bliss' for the bulk of the masses. Let this video be my answer and also an attempt to add some colour to the bleak picture. As long as there's still humans, there will always be hope.
Monday, July 30, 2007
A Modern Sonnet
From the movie- 10 things I hate about you,
A parody of Shakespheare's Sonnet 141
I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it-
I hate the way you are always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you are not around and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly, I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
A parody of Shakespheare's Sonnet 141
I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it-
I hate the way you are always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you are not around and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly, I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
holidays
My internship with PA,CO finally ended yesterday. Having started this internship on May 7th, 3 days after my last exam paper, I started my holidays with a bout of flu. Still reeling from the sneezes and the runny nose, I caught up with much needed sleep and rest for my body today. There's still two weeks of holidays left before I am engulfed by the massive load of readings required by the honours year. I can finally do some guilt-free slacking amidst modules-bidding, reading of that genre of intellectually stimulating and emotionally stifling books which is the standard fare of a political science/history major and catching up with friends. That desire for academic excellence is still burning strongly while the strategic caculus has ceased to exist. Enough said about what lies ahead, now I shall do some reflections upon my internship stint....
I had one of my best mentors in life in this internship. He tried his best to share his experiences with me, not just in PA, but in life. His instructions, his words of advice, his debrief after every meeting, every event will be something that I will never forget in life. Experience is such a priceless quality.
Like my previous internship with nexus, this has again been a humbling experience. Probably even more so than my stint with nexus. I was exposed to stuff that my training as a political scientist failed to equipped me with. Much more importantly, I feel is the people skills that I have picked up in this internship. No, I was never intellectually overwhelmed in this internship(unlike my last one which tested my creativity/analytical/research skills to the fullest), but this time round, this internship brushed up my soft skills in life. Not that PS majors are socially inept, we must be the most vocal and impressive amongst fass students in terms of how to present yourself, communicate and sell your ideas, but school can only provide that much.
One unexpected outcome of this internship is the friendships cultivated during this period. No, I don't mean networking, I meant friendship. Knowing people that are of the same wavelength, fun people whom I can click on both the intellectual level and on the social level. Fun people whom I feel very comfortable with. I know that these are people that friendships can be built upon, that I will like more and more and that I will treasure.
Of course, there are also downsides of this internship, the absence of a challenge that can overwhelm my intellectual ability, the lack of empowerment, the mundane tasks such as data entry and filing and the free-er periods of this internship proved to be dampeners.
All in all, this experience has been invaluable and has added on to my personal growth. Another step forward, another experience to make myself more marketable. Maybe what I have is still not enough to fulfill my dream, but this is definitely a step in the right direction.
I need to keep taking steps in the right direction, not allowing myself to rest on my own's laurels and keep believing that dreams are not impossible. Only with continued personal growth and a sustantial marketability of myself to my potential employers can I pursue my goal of working for the public good in an area that appeals to me most.
I had one of my best mentors in life in this internship. He tried his best to share his experiences with me, not just in PA, but in life. His instructions, his words of advice, his debrief after every meeting, every event will be something that I will never forget in life. Experience is such a priceless quality.
Like my previous internship with nexus, this has again been a humbling experience. Probably even more so than my stint with nexus. I was exposed to stuff that my training as a political scientist failed to equipped me with. Much more importantly, I feel is the people skills that I have picked up in this internship. No, I was never intellectually overwhelmed in this internship(unlike my last one which tested my creativity/analytical/research skills to the fullest), but this time round, this internship brushed up my soft skills in life. Not that PS majors are socially inept, we must be the most vocal and impressive amongst fass students in terms of how to present yourself, communicate and sell your ideas, but school can only provide that much.
One unexpected outcome of this internship is the friendships cultivated during this period. No, I don't mean networking, I meant friendship. Knowing people that are of the same wavelength, fun people whom I can click on both the intellectual level and on the social level. Fun people whom I feel very comfortable with. I know that these are people that friendships can be built upon, that I will like more and more and that I will treasure.
Of course, there are also downsides of this internship, the absence of a challenge that can overwhelm my intellectual ability, the lack of empowerment, the mundane tasks such as data entry and filing and the free-er periods of this internship proved to be dampeners.
All in all, this experience has been invaluable and has added on to my personal growth. Another step forward, another experience to make myself more marketable. Maybe what I have is still not enough to fulfill my dream, but this is definitely a step in the right direction.
I need to keep taking steps in the right direction, not allowing myself to rest on my own's laurels and keep believing that dreams are not impossible. Only with continued personal growth and a sustantial marketability of myself to my potential employers can I pursue my goal of working for the public good in an area that appeals to me most.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
msn conversation
yanwei says:
i'm sure u will be a great mother..
yanwei says:
:)
[definitely.maybe] i've got a right to be wrong. says:
HAHAHHAAH
yanwei says:
.......
.................................................
i'm sure u will be a great mother..
yanwei says:
:)
[definitely.maybe] i've got a right to be wrong. says:
HAHAHHAAH
yanwei says:
.......
.................................................
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
love
Love, what is love? I don't think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring for him, sharing his joys and sorrows. This eventually includes physical love. You've shared something, given something away and received something in return, whether or not you are married , whether or not you have a baby. Losing your virtue doesn't matter, as long as you know that for as long as you live you'll have someone at your side who understands you, and who doesn't have to be shared with anyone else!
-Anne M. Frank
-Anne M. Frank
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
history
History should stay as it is, history. The past should not be allowed to haunt the future. We will all have our fair share of historical baggage. What we have experienced in the past shaped us and changed us into the person we are today. I have changed, I feel for the better. Because most of my fundamental notions towards the idea of love has not changed, yet, I am finally able to curb some of that irrational feeling. I feel more in control le. Yet, I'm also more afraid. Gone are the days where I actually believe that love can conquer all. Gone are the days that pain, even excessive amount of it is worth it. Gone are the days that I'm foolhardy. Or maybe, because I'm not deeply in love at the moment. With love, I'm not afraid of the pain, the heartbreak that comes along with it, I'm only afraid of the fact that I will lose control of myself. Losing control, not doing the rational thing scares me. Everything can just spiral down into a vicious cycle where one attempts to hang on to an illusion, false hope and lead to just more and more pain. The difficulty of breaking out of the cycle is very scary indeed.
Today, I finally had closure. Painful, a very painful closure. But, it was worth the pain. Despite the pain, I felt light again, free even. Free from the chains of enslavement. No longer a fish.. or maybe a fish in the deep vast ocean. haha, sighz..the taste of freedom is so sweet. Happiness is the only thing that really matters. :)
Today, I finally had closure. Painful, a very painful closure. But, it was worth the pain. Despite the pain, I felt light again, free even. Free from the chains of enslavement. No longer a fish.. or maybe a fish in the deep vast ocean. haha, sighz..the taste of freedom is so sweet. Happiness is the only thing that really matters. :)
Friday, July 06, 2007
book hunting
I had to get a book today. My $10 kino book voucher was going to expire tommorow. And so, I went to Kinokuniya after work. I told myself a couple of times that I am not going to buy a book on nazi history. Having already finished one book,'The trial of major war criminals in Nuremberg' and currently finishing up another biography upon this nazi period, 'Triumph of Hope, From Theresienstadt and Auschwitz to Israel' and having three more nazi history books waiting in the wings(thank you Joan for the 3 books), I was pretty sure that I would be enticed by some other subject matter/genre. Maybe American foreign policy? Maybe Singapore's foreign policy? Maybe a novel?
Upon reaching Kino, I tried my best to steer clear of the nazi history section(my favorite section over the years) and with purpose, I was looking for the heading named Political Science, yet it proved to be quite elusive and the shelves labelled Current Affairs caught my eye. There lies the wide array of famous American political scientists, Joseph Nye, Samuel Huntington, Francis Fukayama and many many books written by Noam Chomsky regarding American foreign policy. Currently reading his latest book,'Failed States, The abuse of power and the assault on democracy' , I hesitated to get another book by him. 'That guy's deep and I am still in the midst of trying to figure about his ideological orientation, maybe another time', was what came up in my mind at that moment.. I scanned through the titles of the books available upon the few shelves displaying the books under the label 'Current Affairs' and something struck me. All the books was on America and by American writers....yes, I am a fan of America, but I was expecting a wider array of books by different writers. Kino isn't even an American bookshop, for goodness sake, they should have just renamed the few shelves, American Affairs and not Current Affairs. That quote that refused to go away, came to my mind again,
‘Knowledge is power, but power is knowledge. Power decides what is knowledge and what is not knowledge.’ Claude Alvares
American hegemony, soft power, the allure of American ideas,hard power, such is the pull of American influence and its insidious impact upon this ordinary Singaporean
However, I was disgusted enough by such inappropriate and insensitive displays that I decided to take a break from American writers. Next, I move to books regarding the region. While looking at the singapore studies collection, I noticed that three japanese tourists took Lee's memoirs and wanted to buy it. At that moment, I felt proud. Proud that Lee Kwan Yew, the de facto father of independent Singapore has left an indelible mark on history and respected internationally. Probably more people has heard of Lee Kwan Yew than Singapore. Hong's words while introducing the military museum in Beijing flooded back, ' Lee Kwan Yew was the only overseas Chinese leader who has a statue in this museum '......need I say more...?
Nothing really caught my eye though, Southeast Asia was a tad boring, the only book that caught my eye was the latest Aung San Suu kyi biography. I was tempted but not tempted enough. Then the brief walk through the political science shelves, upon reaching there, I yawned. This feel like school again, I'm seriously not in the mood to study about stuff like state making in my holidays. Moving on to the shelves upon Europe, I saw something that caught my attention, a picture showing Hitler's back and him giving a speech to the hundreds of thousands of Germans. What a majestic picture! I browse through the book and saw that it covered the perversion/subordination of religion from the past to the present(holocaust, nazi period to the london bombings). Intriguing, I must admit, but by then, I could not resist that desire anymore. That desire to just go to the shelves displaying the books on nazi history.
I had to and boy, oh boy, the sensation that hit me when I finally reached that shelf. I was overwhelmed with excitement, feeling like a boy in a candy shop again and have a tough time picking the title I want. Is it going to be another holocaust biography? Or do I want to read about the love life of Hitler? Art and Hitler? The propaganda machine? The Nuremberg Trials? Allies espionage in NAZI Germany? Or the struggle for power within the inner circle of the nazi elites? Until the picture of Anne Frank caught my eye... Anne Frank, the famous jewish girl, the so-called symbol of the holocaust...someone I had missed out so far in my interest in nazi history. I was actually a bit irritated when Lailin mentioned Anne Frank that time and I didn't know who and what she represented. There were books on poems written in the dedication of her, biographies upon her and of course, her own diary. Browsing through the diary, I knew this was the book that I was going to buy. So what if I will have 5 nazi history books to finish, I'm really enjoying this journey back to this period. The goosebumps, that ride into social history, the authentic stories, the tears, the joys, the pains, all those emotions evoked are just darn enjoyable.
'Anne Frank, the diary of a young girl' was my purchase in the end.
Yes, I know. I have a fetish for nazi history.
Upon reaching Kino, I tried my best to steer clear of the nazi history section(my favorite section over the years) and with purpose, I was looking for the heading named Political Science, yet it proved to be quite elusive and the shelves labelled Current Affairs caught my eye. There lies the wide array of famous American political scientists, Joseph Nye, Samuel Huntington, Francis Fukayama and many many books written by Noam Chomsky regarding American foreign policy. Currently reading his latest book,'Failed States, The abuse of power and the assault on democracy' , I hesitated to get another book by him. 'That guy's deep and I am still in the midst of trying to figure about his ideological orientation, maybe another time', was what came up in my mind at that moment.. I scanned through the titles of the books available upon the few shelves displaying the books under the label 'Current Affairs' and something struck me. All the books was on America and by American writers....yes, I am a fan of America, but I was expecting a wider array of books by different writers. Kino isn't even an American bookshop, for goodness sake, they should have just renamed the few shelves, American Affairs and not Current Affairs. That quote that refused to go away, came to my mind again,
‘Knowledge is power, but power is knowledge. Power decides what is knowledge and what is not knowledge.’ Claude Alvares
American hegemony, soft power, the allure of American ideas,hard power, such is the pull of American influence and its insidious impact upon this ordinary Singaporean
However, I was disgusted enough by such inappropriate and insensitive displays that I decided to take a break from American writers. Next, I move to books regarding the region. While looking at the singapore studies collection, I noticed that three japanese tourists took Lee's memoirs and wanted to buy it. At that moment, I felt proud. Proud that Lee Kwan Yew, the de facto father of independent Singapore has left an indelible mark on history and respected internationally. Probably more people has heard of Lee Kwan Yew than Singapore. Hong's words while introducing the military museum in Beijing flooded back, ' Lee Kwan Yew was the only overseas Chinese leader who has a statue in this museum '......need I say more...?
Nothing really caught my eye though, Southeast Asia was a tad boring, the only book that caught my eye was the latest Aung San Suu kyi biography. I was tempted but not tempted enough. Then the brief walk through the political science shelves, upon reaching there, I yawned. This feel like school again, I'm seriously not in the mood to study about stuff like state making in my holidays. Moving on to the shelves upon Europe, I saw something that caught my attention, a picture showing Hitler's back and him giving a speech to the hundreds of thousands of Germans. What a majestic picture! I browse through the book and saw that it covered the perversion/subordination of religion from the past to the present(holocaust, nazi period to the london bombings). Intriguing, I must admit, but by then, I could not resist that desire anymore. That desire to just go to the shelves displaying the books on nazi history.
I had to and boy, oh boy, the sensation that hit me when I finally reached that shelf. I was overwhelmed with excitement, feeling like a boy in a candy shop again and have a tough time picking the title I want. Is it going to be another holocaust biography? Or do I want to read about the love life of Hitler? Art and Hitler? The propaganda machine? The Nuremberg Trials? Allies espionage in NAZI Germany? Or the struggle for power within the inner circle of the nazi elites? Until the picture of Anne Frank caught my eye... Anne Frank, the famous jewish girl, the so-called symbol of the holocaust...someone I had missed out so far in my interest in nazi history. I was actually a bit irritated when Lailin mentioned Anne Frank that time and I didn't know who and what she represented. There were books on poems written in the dedication of her, biographies upon her and of course, her own diary. Browsing through the diary, I knew this was the book that I was going to buy. So what if I will have 5 nazi history books to finish, I'm really enjoying this journey back to this period. The goosebumps, that ride into social history, the authentic stories, the tears, the joys, the pains, all those emotions evoked are just darn enjoyable.
'Anne Frank, the diary of a young girl' was my purchase in the end.
Yes, I know. I have a fetish for nazi history.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
experience
I have eaten more salt than you have eaten rice.
Listen to seemingly-unpleasant but invaluable advice from an old person or else, you will lose out.
A loose translation of the two chinese sayings in life that I have heard many many times. As I grow older, I start to appreciate these two sayings more and more. For EXPERIENCE, a ten-letter word so loaded with significance cannot be replaced by anything else. In short, there is no substitute for experience.
I feel blessed. Blessed that at this stage in life, I have had mentors who bother to give me advice, to teach me the ropes, to point out insights that I may have missed out.
Listen to seemingly-unpleasant but invaluable advice from an old person or else, you will lose out.
A loose translation of the two chinese sayings in life that I have heard many many times. As I grow older, I start to appreciate these two sayings more and more. For EXPERIENCE, a ten-letter word so loaded with significance cannot be replaced by anything else. In short, there is no substitute for experience.
I feel blessed. Blessed that at this stage in life, I have had mentors who bother to give me advice, to teach me the ropes, to point out insights that I may have missed out.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Cheater
Disclaimer- There will be a lot of ranting and vulgarities ahead in this post, the writer regret to inform readers who decide to read on that he is not liable for any adverse effect on their mood or whatsoever.
Guys who cheat on their wives should be castrated. Bastards, Jerks, Assholes,Liars, they should all just be sent to hell and never ever be forgiven. Don't they know that marriage is a life-time commitment? I'm so disgusted, I feel like hitting that bastard and knock some sense out of him. Damn bastards, they are giving the male species such a fucking bad name. Why break a woman's heart when you decided to marry that person? Didn't you actually love her and treasure her? Didn't you take the vow to stand by her through thick and thin? And, yet, this happened within such a short time...I'm so peeved...Bastards like that should be sent to concentration camps for all I care. If you want a good fuck, go FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLES. Disgust is a mild word and very much an understatement in this instance.
Women who seduce married men are just as bad. Freaking sluts, bitches, assholes,keep your hands or whatsoever off married men. For GOODNESS SAKE, there are plenty of single and pathetic losers out there for you to fool around with. DAMN, you sluts for breaking up marriages, for breaking up a family, for making the extended families of both parties hurt and feeling the anguish. Retribution is the least that people will put a curse upon you women. Get a life or pls FUCK OFF. DISGUSTING PIECES OF SHIT....
Sighz, its been a while since I experience such anger...but to feel the helplessness, anguish, hopelessness, despair, hurt, sorrow, pain of someone close who were betrayed just sucks. A friendly warning to all my guy friends out there, DON'T EVER EXPECT ME TO COVER YOUR SHIT IF YOU STRAYED. I WILL NOT. PERIOD. Think before you act, do not act like an ANIMAL or an IDIOT.
Shucks,I pray for A to have the strength to pull herself through this tough time, that A will be able to get over the heartbreak and the scars will be erased with time. I pray that she will still be the cheerful person whom I grew up with. I pray that all this will just be a bad nitemare that she will wake up from and be a stronger person. Tommorow will be a better day, yah, if only life is that simple, but perhaps, it can be, it will be, it must be. Its just...easier said than done.
Sighz, I had to rant. It cuts my heart to see someone close suffering. It does. And my already present hatred for cheaters has just been increased tenfold, no, make that a thousand fold or whatsoever.
* Sorry if I stun anyone with the spewing of vulgarities or spoil anyone's mood. I had to get this off my chest. And please show sensitivity and do not ask me what happened, I will share if I want to.
Guys who cheat on their wives should be castrated. Bastards, Jerks, Assholes,Liars, they should all just be sent to hell and never ever be forgiven. Don't they know that marriage is a life-time commitment? I'm so disgusted, I feel like hitting that bastard and knock some sense out of him. Damn bastards, they are giving the male species such a fucking bad name. Why break a woman's heart when you decided to marry that person? Didn't you actually love her and treasure her? Didn't you take the vow to stand by her through thick and thin? And, yet, this happened within such a short time...I'm so peeved...Bastards like that should be sent to concentration camps for all I care. If you want a good fuck, go FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLES. Disgust is a mild word and very much an understatement in this instance.
Women who seduce married men are just as bad. Freaking sluts, bitches, assholes,keep your hands or whatsoever off married men. For GOODNESS SAKE, there are plenty of single and pathetic losers out there for you to fool around with. DAMN, you sluts for breaking up marriages, for breaking up a family, for making the extended families of both parties hurt and feeling the anguish. Retribution is the least that people will put a curse upon you women. Get a life or pls FUCK OFF. DISGUSTING PIECES OF SHIT....
Sighz, its been a while since I experience such anger...but to feel the helplessness, anguish, hopelessness, despair, hurt, sorrow, pain of someone close who were betrayed just sucks. A friendly warning to all my guy friends out there, DON'T EVER EXPECT ME TO COVER YOUR SHIT IF YOU STRAYED. I WILL NOT. PERIOD. Think before you act, do not act like an ANIMAL or an IDIOT.
Shucks,I pray for A to have the strength to pull herself through this tough time, that A will be able to get over the heartbreak and the scars will be erased with time. I pray that she will still be the cheerful person whom I grew up with. I pray that all this will just be a bad nitemare that she will wake up from and be a stronger person. Tommorow will be a better day, yah, if only life is that simple, but perhaps, it can be, it will be, it must be. Its just...easier said than done.
Sighz, I had to rant. It cuts my heart to see someone close suffering. It does. And my already present hatred for cheaters has just been increased tenfold, no, make that a thousand fold or whatsoever.
* Sorry if I stun anyone with the spewing of vulgarities or spoil anyone's mood. I had to get this off my chest. And please show sensitivity and do not ask me what happened, I will share if I want to.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
the end of the war
The war is lost. My dream has ended. No more moon, only stars..
Moments like this are remembered for life. The loss of a war, the end of a dream, the inevitable reality of effort plus potential not been enough to get the coveted goal. And yes, so many terms for an almost compulsive obsession with a first class honours dream. The knockout blow came much eariler than the semester that just ended. Derailed by an equally or even more-so obsession with her, my cap suffered a big drop of 0.9 that rendered the situation beyond me.(especially the pyschological blow that destroyed an aura of 'zai-ness') And so, it is finally over, mathematically. But, its well deserved isn't it? At the end of the day, I just did not meet my potential. I could have tried hard enough, could have stayed focused and then I will do much better than what I'm doing now. Now, in Joan's words(spoken a year plus back), I will just be an ordinary 2nd upper class grad. walking around. And yes, my ego doesnt like this feeling at all. >.<
This obsession started even before I entered NUS, one year into my national service, in a jc class gathering, I remembered asking Sujeeta about life in NUS and when I told her that I was aiming for a first class honours, she actually scoffed at that idea and went on to yak about how hard that is. That look on her face when I started my NUS life with a dean's list was one that I will never forget and now she have been proven right, this was indeed beyond me.
My best friend, Andrew, how hard have we fallen from grace! In my perspective at least. With the first class in sight in our early years in uni, we lost sight and eventually lost the quest. I will never forget that you top your cohort in the first year in computer science in Aberdeen University, nor will I forget the pact that we have and I wanted you to have that first class honours as badly as I wanted mine. But, you disappointed me with that loss in steam in year 3, sighz, and now, I have fallen. I know, a 2nd upper won't haunt you as much as it would haunt me, yet, I wish that the repercussions to this failure is going to be positive.
Left with pride to study for in honours year, I am not going to give up. But, no longer is the strategic reason for choosing modules anymore important, I am going to take challenging modules that interest me. The level 3000 hy module, Dictators of Europe will be something that I want to read upon next year. With my fetish for nazism and Adolf Hitler, this module just seems too appealing to be missed. And of cos, the allure of dictators is too strong to resist. The thing is I'm a Political Science Major and PS modules come first, despite not having much interest in Theories of IR, I have to take this. Plus another 2 PS modules that seems to be modules that I can't miss, I might yet miss the chance to take Dictators of Europe. Let's hope I can choose the modules I want bah, for with pride only to fight for, its time that I ease that unnecessary burden on myself and truely enjoy what is my last year of undergraduate life.
Moving on from here, I need to pick myself up and focus on new challenges. Time to concentrate on the Graduate Management Admissions Test that top ministries and big MNCs use in their review of job applications. Time to convince myself that I have the time and the required effort to take a third language? And by that, I don't mean conversational level, but really effectively proficient in it..and yet, I don't like the idea of overloading myself and the thing wih language especially new ones, its that you need consistent effort to stay proficient in it...
Dreams are sweet because they never come true. Could this happen to my dream of joining Ministry of Foreign Affairs too?
(Update- Thanks Dr Kripa for giving me that full A grade that I have always been striving to achieve for a PS module.A welcome relief from the usual one step too far A- grade that I have been getting for PS modules that I am confident for. You did not kill me, I'm so suprised. Probably, the ingenuity of my answers and the consistent work done throughout the sem made up for an exam where for the first time, everything that I spotted and focused on was not amongst the questions. And for that, I'm glad.)
Moments like this are remembered for life. The loss of a war, the end of a dream, the inevitable reality of effort plus potential not been enough to get the coveted goal. And yes, so many terms for an almost compulsive obsession with a first class honours dream. The knockout blow came much eariler than the semester that just ended. Derailed by an equally or even more-so obsession with her, my cap suffered a big drop of 0.9 that rendered the situation beyond me.(especially the pyschological blow that destroyed an aura of 'zai-ness') And so, it is finally over, mathematically. But, its well deserved isn't it? At the end of the day, I just did not meet my potential. I could have tried hard enough, could have stayed focused and then I will do much better than what I'm doing now. Now, in Joan's words(spoken a year plus back), I will just be an ordinary 2nd upper class grad. walking around. And yes, my ego doesnt like this feeling at all. >.<
This obsession started even before I entered NUS, one year into my national service, in a jc class gathering, I remembered asking Sujeeta about life in NUS and when I told her that I was aiming for a first class honours, she actually scoffed at that idea and went on to yak about how hard that is. That look on her face when I started my NUS life with a dean's list was one that I will never forget and now she have been proven right, this was indeed beyond me.
My best friend, Andrew, how hard have we fallen from grace! In my perspective at least. With the first class in sight in our early years in uni, we lost sight and eventually lost the quest. I will never forget that you top your cohort in the first year in computer science in Aberdeen University, nor will I forget the pact that we have and I wanted you to have that first class honours as badly as I wanted mine. But, you disappointed me with that loss in steam in year 3, sighz, and now, I have fallen. I know, a 2nd upper won't haunt you as much as it would haunt me, yet, I wish that the repercussions to this failure is going to be positive.
Left with pride to study for in honours year, I am not going to give up. But, no longer is the strategic reason for choosing modules anymore important, I am going to take challenging modules that interest me. The level 3000 hy module, Dictators of Europe will be something that I want to read upon next year. With my fetish for nazism and Adolf Hitler, this module just seems too appealing to be missed. And of cos, the allure of dictators is too strong to resist. The thing is I'm a Political Science Major and PS modules come first, despite not having much interest in Theories of IR, I have to take this. Plus another 2 PS modules that seems to be modules that I can't miss, I might yet miss the chance to take Dictators of Europe. Let's hope I can choose the modules I want bah, for with pride only to fight for, its time that I ease that unnecessary burden on myself and truely enjoy what is my last year of undergraduate life.
Moving on from here, I need to pick myself up and focus on new challenges. Time to concentrate on the Graduate Management Admissions Test that top ministries and big MNCs use in their review of job applications. Time to convince myself that I have the time and the required effort to take a third language? And by that, I don't mean conversational level, but really effectively proficient in it..and yet, I don't like the idea of overloading myself and the thing wih language especially new ones, its that you need consistent effort to stay proficient in it...
Dreams are sweet because they never come true. Could this happen to my dream of joining Ministry of Foreign Affairs too?
(Update- Thanks Dr Kripa for giving me that full A grade that I have always been striving to achieve for a PS module.A welcome relief from the usual one step too far A- grade that I have been getting for PS modules that I am confident for. You did not kill me, I'm so suprised. Probably, the ingenuity of my answers and the consistent work done throughout the sem made up for an exam where for the first time, everything that I spotted and focused on was not amongst the questions. And for that, I'm glad.)
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
24.
* The following post contains lots of grammatical n vocab. errors that the writer can't be bothered to correct considering that he has homework to do.*
I turned 24 on last saturday, the last year where one can claim that he is in his early 20s le. I am not really a 'birthday' kind of person, preferring solitude more than company at times or just meeting a few close friends on the day itself or the days surrounding it. This birthday is rather unique and special for many reasons.
The Prelude
A very early suprise birthday celebration by Roy, Karen and Pangwei. I was expecting to celebrate Karen's belated birthday with a simple dinner and chilling out on wednesday night after work and found out that I had a rather pleasant surprise that the three of them actually bought polar tarts with candles to help me celebrate an early b'day(considering that Roy n Karen went to gentings on my b'day, they must be guilty to not be able to be around so to be so nice bah)..haha..With Roy and Pangwei, the feeling's a bit like family le, just something simple will do, with old friends like this(n yes, hardy,so sorry I could not make it for lunch on sat becos I was working)..you just feel so at home with them that the fact you can say anything n everything makes that nite of relaxation so enjoyable that the celebration whatever the style is secondary as compared to the company.
The Eve
On friday, meeting the NUS PA internship mates(14 in total) for an informal sharing session aka dinner led to half of us going for a drinking and chilling out session at paulauners on saturday. The funny thing is how all of us actually click off so swiftly despite this meeting been the 1st or 2nd time that we see and really interact with each other. Maybe its Peilin's entertainment ability, maybe its Michelle's photo-whoring, maybe its just everyone on almost the same wavelength, enjoying the atmosphere and the nice beer. Starting my birthday on a high on alcohol is perhaps expected but to spend the first few hours of my birthday with a new group of people is certainly totally unexpected.
The Actual day
High, flushed with smses from many of my friends whom I treasured greatly, I reached home to an even sweeter surprise. Juliet sang me a birthday song twice over the phone, after much cajoling. This was the first time someone sang me a birthday song over the phone and this gesture is much appreciated.
Waking up to a slight hangover and to work on my birthday(another first time) is not exactly my ideal plan to spend my birthday. But, it turned out to be a really enjoyable workday, with the MP coming over to our table during the forum and engaged us in an intriguing conversation. Interesting? You betcha..! I'm actually pretty impressed at some of the insights that the MP pointed out and of course, I did hold on strongly and tried to defend some of the beliefs that ran contrary to his viewpoints.
After work, the tiredness got to me and I decided to spend the rest of my birthday at home with my family and one eye on the Manchester United match at night. Yes, was left disappointed, probably dampened my birthday mood a bit. Oh well, the least, Manchester United did was not to lose on my birthday but 30 mins after my birthday ended.
The aftermath
Just got back home an hour ago from dinner with Yixian, Shuyi and Edwin. Had a belated birthday dinner with them at CCK. Yes, Yixian, the food was really nice and your room really lives up to its reputation(lol, :p). Never really expected us to get to know each other better, christianty? Church? Probably, Thanks for the surprise soap and the christian songs, its really much appreciated. The christian songs will come in especially handy with all the thoughts and self reflections that I have been doing these days.(probably, resulting in this incoherent blog entry and the numerous times when writer's blocks struck and I just can't pen down my thoughts).
Her
The 3 month plus absence of contact broke with 2 birthday sms from her, near midnite and in the evening on the actual day. I knew she will remember my birthday and I was actually half expecting her to sms me. Probably, the happiest thing that happened to me on my birthday was the fact that she's more stable now than in the past. I know after the few sms-es exchanges, we are going to revert back to the status of strangers. But what kind of strangers will actually remember each other's birthdays? Aug 5th, probably the date that this absence of contact will be broken again for that will be my turn to message her happy birthday and maybe pick up the pieces again and be friends again. These 3 months interlude has been beneficial in my recovery. It has been 2 months plus since I last blogged abt. her....the pain and the hurt are not felt much anymore and the memory of such feelings are getting more and more distant. While waiting for Yixian and Shuyi at CCK mrt stn today, I had these very weird feeling, this is so near her house, will I get to meet her by surprise? How will I react? Do I want to see her..? Probably, its a complicated feeling of just wanting to see her again to perhaps visualize that she's fine and surviving well and the reminder of the hurt and the long struggle to get back to normalcy makes it such an incoherent inner struggling..thank God that my friends appeared 15 mins later..to stop me from having those unneccessary thoughts that are really redundant.
24 and counting
24 sounds old. Age does not represent maturity. Yet, I have grown so much since 23 flashes past with a glimpse of an eye. The quest and defeat in my first class honours dream, internship with Nexus, mentorship with Reach, the temporal brush with christianty, her, her, her, her.......
May this last lap of the early 20s bring about more happiness and satisfaction. I never ever want to be vulnerable again, I had enough of vulnerability, of been hurt..probably, the scars haven't healed yet, probably, the channeling of energy towards making more friends and concentrating on tangible goals such as another testimonial, enjoying my last year in school and laughter and fun with friends are more important than the senseless and dangerous thing called love.
I turned 24 on last saturday, the last year where one can claim that he is in his early 20s le. I am not really a 'birthday' kind of person, preferring solitude more than company at times or just meeting a few close friends on the day itself or the days surrounding it. This birthday is rather unique and special for many reasons.
The Prelude
A very early suprise birthday celebration by Roy, Karen and Pangwei. I was expecting to celebrate Karen's belated birthday with a simple dinner and chilling out on wednesday night after work and found out that I had a rather pleasant surprise that the three of them actually bought polar tarts with candles to help me celebrate an early b'day(considering that Roy n Karen went to gentings on my b'day, they must be guilty to not be able to be around so to be so nice bah)..haha..With Roy and Pangwei, the feeling's a bit like family le, just something simple will do, with old friends like this(n yes, hardy,so sorry I could not make it for lunch on sat becos I was working)..you just feel so at home with them that the fact you can say anything n everything makes that nite of relaxation so enjoyable that the celebration whatever the style is secondary as compared to the company.
The Eve
On friday, meeting the NUS PA internship mates(14 in total) for an informal sharing session aka dinner led to half of us going for a drinking and chilling out session at paulauners on saturday. The funny thing is how all of us actually click off so swiftly despite this meeting been the 1st or 2nd time that we see and really interact with each other. Maybe its Peilin's entertainment ability, maybe its Michelle's photo-whoring, maybe its just everyone on almost the same wavelength, enjoying the atmosphere and the nice beer. Starting my birthday on a high on alcohol is perhaps expected but to spend the first few hours of my birthday with a new group of people is certainly totally unexpected.
The Actual day
High, flushed with smses from many of my friends whom I treasured greatly, I reached home to an even sweeter surprise. Juliet sang me a birthday song twice over the phone, after much cajoling. This was the first time someone sang me a birthday song over the phone and this gesture is much appreciated.
Waking up to a slight hangover and to work on my birthday(another first time) is not exactly my ideal plan to spend my birthday. But, it turned out to be a really enjoyable workday, with the MP coming over to our table during the forum and engaged us in an intriguing conversation. Interesting? You betcha..! I'm actually pretty impressed at some of the insights that the MP pointed out and of course, I did hold on strongly and tried to defend some of the beliefs that ran contrary to his viewpoints.
After work, the tiredness got to me and I decided to spend the rest of my birthday at home with my family and one eye on the Manchester United match at night. Yes, was left disappointed, probably dampened my birthday mood a bit. Oh well, the least, Manchester United did was not to lose on my birthday but 30 mins after my birthday ended.
The aftermath
Just got back home an hour ago from dinner with Yixian, Shuyi and Edwin. Had a belated birthday dinner with them at CCK. Yes, Yixian, the food was really nice and your room really lives up to its reputation(lol, :p). Never really expected us to get to know each other better, christianty? Church? Probably, Thanks for the surprise soap and the christian songs, its really much appreciated. The christian songs will come in especially handy with all the thoughts and self reflections that I have been doing these days.(probably, resulting in this incoherent blog entry and the numerous times when writer's blocks struck and I just can't pen down my thoughts).
Her
The 3 month plus absence of contact broke with 2 birthday sms from her, near midnite and in the evening on the actual day. I knew she will remember my birthday and I was actually half expecting her to sms me. Probably, the happiest thing that happened to me on my birthday was the fact that she's more stable now than in the past. I know after the few sms-es exchanges, we are going to revert back to the status of strangers. But what kind of strangers will actually remember each other's birthdays? Aug 5th, probably the date that this absence of contact will be broken again for that will be my turn to message her happy birthday and maybe pick up the pieces again and be friends again. These 3 months interlude has been beneficial in my recovery. It has been 2 months plus since I last blogged abt. her....the pain and the hurt are not felt much anymore and the memory of such feelings are getting more and more distant. While waiting for Yixian and Shuyi at CCK mrt stn today, I had these very weird feeling, this is so near her house, will I get to meet her by surprise? How will I react? Do I want to see her..? Probably, its a complicated feeling of just wanting to see her again to perhaps visualize that she's fine and surviving well and the reminder of the hurt and the long struggle to get back to normalcy makes it such an incoherent inner struggling..thank God that my friends appeared 15 mins later..to stop me from having those unneccessary thoughts that are really redundant.
24 and counting
24 sounds old. Age does not represent maturity. Yet, I have grown so much since 23 flashes past with a glimpse of an eye. The quest and defeat in my first class honours dream, internship with Nexus, mentorship with Reach, the temporal brush with christianty, her, her, her, her.......
May this last lap of the early 20s bring about more happiness and satisfaction. I never ever want to be vulnerable again, I had enough of vulnerability, of been hurt..probably, the scars haven't healed yet, probably, the channeling of energy towards making more friends and concentrating on tangible goals such as another testimonial, enjoying my last year in school and laughter and fun with friends are more important than the senseless and dangerous thing called love.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Thank you, Dr Kripa
DR SRIDHARAN, KRIPA is leaving her teaching position in NUS. :(
Sighz, I would not have known if not for her mass e-mail to us. I feel a tinge of sadness that she's leaving NUS even though I was pretty sure that she will not be teaching any honours year modules and thus, the chances of me learning from her lessons are pretty slim even if she have stayed...
She's one of my favorite PS Profs, ok, in case some of you are wondering I have three favorite Profs within the political science department( Dr Alan Chong, Dr Kenneth Paul Tan and Dr Kripa). My whole experience with political science begins with her and Dr Kenneth teaching me PS1101E, Introduction to Political Science. The module was a tad dry and technical as it tried to cover all the fields of political science yet I was blessed with a teacher like her in my first sem in NUS. Its a double blessing considering that Dr. Kenneth took half of the module with her. Her teaching style is not just effective but clear and pleasant with a sprinkling of jokes here and there, making the mood of her lectures always light and conducive.
My liking for her grew when I took foreign policy and diplomacy module under her care in my 2nd sem in NUS. My 2nd PS module and only PS module that sem and she opened up my world and interest into the intricacies and wonders of International Relations. Furthermore, I have her as my tutor in this sem which resulted in me having one of the most enjoyable PS tutorials ever in NUS. That semester was also a litmus test for me, whether to pursue History or Political Science as my major. She was one of the factors that pushed me into the world of Political Science and developing an insatiable desire to learn about international relations.
I was really disappointed with MM replacing her in teaching International Conflict Analysis as I'm sure that I will learn so much more with Dr. Kripa teaching the module. My desire to take South Asia module was because of the IR segment and her teaching the module and she did not disappoint. Her tutorials were still very enjoyable though the presentations was a real drag, I prefer her presentations-free tutorials that I have in FPD.
Actually, she killed me in my South Asia exam this sem, excluding the entire IR segment, 3 full lectures on it and my favorite country Sri Lanka(the only country to be excluded in the essay component) made much of my efforts go down the drains. Probably, I won't do well for this exam. Me and my friends were quite surprised that she actually played a stunt like this for the exam. haha, 'so not like Kripa' was the general sentiment felt. Despite the possibility of faring below expectations for the exam, my liking for her did not dissipate.
I sent her an e-mail before writing this blog entry, a short e-mail to thank her for the wonderful learning experience. This is actually the first time I did something like that since pri sch(i think). I'm actually surprised at the feeling of disappointment that instantaneously struck me when I saw the e-mail that she's leaving. Perhaps, the disappointment of not having her as a potential Honours Thesis Supervisor(only Dr Alan Chong left on the list, sighz) contributed to the feeling of the disappointment felt.
Dr Kripa, you have left an indelible imprint on my university education. :)
Sighz, I would not have known if not for her mass e-mail to us. I feel a tinge of sadness that she's leaving NUS even though I was pretty sure that she will not be teaching any honours year modules and thus, the chances of me learning from her lessons are pretty slim even if she have stayed...
She's one of my favorite PS Profs, ok, in case some of you are wondering I have three favorite Profs within the political science department( Dr Alan Chong, Dr Kenneth Paul Tan and Dr Kripa). My whole experience with political science begins with her and Dr Kenneth teaching me PS1101E, Introduction to Political Science. The module was a tad dry and technical as it tried to cover all the fields of political science yet I was blessed with a teacher like her in my first sem in NUS. Its a double blessing considering that Dr. Kenneth took half of the module with her. Her teaching style is not just effective but clear and pleasant with a sprinkling of jokes here and there, making the mood of her lectures always light and conducive.
My liking for her grew when I took foreign policy and diplomacy module under her care in my 2nd sem in NUS. My 2nd PS module and only PS module that sem and she opened up my world and interest into the intricacies and wonders of International Relations. Furthermore, I have her as my tutor in this sem which resulted in me having one of the most enjoyable PS tutorials ever in NUS. That semester was also a litmus test for me, whether to pursue History or Political Science as my major. She was one of the factors that pushed me into the world of Political Science and developing an insatiable desire to learn about international relations.
I was really disappointed with MM replacing her in teaching International Conflict Analysis as I'm sure that I will learn so much more with Dr. Kripa teaching the module. My desire to take South Asia module was because of the IR segment and her teaching the module and she did not disappoint. Her tutorials were still very enjoyable though the presentations was a real drag, I prefer her presentations-free tutorials that I have in FPD.
Actually, she killed me in my South Asia exam this sem, excluding the entire IR segment, 3 full lectures on it and my favorite country Sri Lanka(the only country to be excluded in the essay component) made much of my efforts go down the drains. Probably, I won't do well for this exam. Me and my friends were quite surprised that she actually played a stunt like this for the exam. haha, 'so not like Kripa' was the general sentiment felt. Despite the possibility of faring below expectations for the exam, my liking for her did not dissipate.
I sent her an e-mail before writing this blog entry, a short e-mail to thank her for the wonderful learning experience. This is actually the first time I did something like that since pri sch(i think). I'm actually surprised at the feeling of disappointment that instantaneously struck me when I saw the e-mail that she's leaving. Perhaps, the disappointment of not having her as a potential Honours Thesis Supervisor(only Dr Alan Chong left on the list, sighz) contributed to the feeling of the disappointment felt.
Dr Kripa, you have left an indelible imprint on my university education. :)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
A beautiful bride indeed.
Isn't she beautiful? She looks like an angel! :)
Ok, this sounds himbotic and yah, obession hor like Fatma's obsession with il divo, kaka, inzaghi, etc etc etc...lol(excuse me for dragging you in, haha). But hey, this is my way of destressing- its 7am and I just finished mugging for the day with lots of material to be covered when I wake up...
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