overjoyed.

Finally and I mean finally, there seems to be a glimpse of hope towards fulfilling my dream.

I have been shortlisted for the first round of the recruitment process for the Foreign Service Officer(Political and Economic) with MFA!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Yah, I know, first round only, written tests only, may still be rejected at this stage of the recruitment process or at further rounds of interviews, but nonetheless, I am really happy!! Haven't been so happy for such a long while!!!wahahahahahahahaha :)

OMG, I'm like so excited now lah, that kind of feeling far exceeds another interview with another ministry one day after the written tests at MFA!!

I will definitely try my best!!! I can do it!!! Even if I am not recruited this time round, this will not prevent me from trying again next time!!

* I'm overjoyed, excited and ecstatic now. But don't worry, I will moderate my hopes of getting this job as I know how stringent the recruitment process is. :)

way back into love

I'm a real sucker for love movies. Music and Lyrics made this song special. And special it is, for I have listened to it more than twenty times today. :)

6am on Christmas day, still awake but happy that this Christmas eve, my heart is at peace. Looking back on last Christmas, perhaps, this reason alone made this a merry merry Christmas. :)

2046

I just finished watching the movie,2046. Words can't really describe how brillant and poignant I think this movie is.

2046 is really 2047.

If love can be defined, 2046 just provided the closest definition.

That imperfect perfection, that surreal reality, that blurring of line between illusion and reality, that immense hurt....

Giving is perhaps not really an option when you experience true love. For when your happiness is based upon hers, the hurt experienced by you is nothing compared to the joys you brought her.

Love has always been something undefinable, something that is surreal, something that is fluffy, something that defies rationality. But, if one looks beyond the complexities and the various pretensions that cloud love itself, it is very simple.

Is love like the rainbow that follows every thunderstorm? Where the various colours form a really beautiful picture that brings unexplainable joys? Or does love take the optical illusion of a rainbow that is always there but seldom appears before the naked eye?

Love may just become that prison where one cannot break through even if he/she holds the key. Yet, maybe only in that prison can one find happiness or perhaps death.

Seeking answers in love is a fallacy. For there are no answers, for love itself is a maze that one gets lost in. To be lost and to not know you are lost may just be the most beautiful thing in life.

game?

I did something rather silly but perhaps sweet just now.....the rational me will see that as a mistake but as always, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I tend to just go with what I feel and perhaps, its the person too, I love the feeling that I can just be so direct and frank and says what's on my mind, how I feel and what's bothering me, perhaps, I finally found a soulmate whom I'm really so comfortable with. With her, my vocab does not dry up, no awkard silences, minimal pressures and that ability of hers to cheer me up is just quite special.......

Game? I know, a lot of my friends have advised me in the past that there are some rules that you have to follow, somethings that you have to do, some stuff that you can't say, some stuff that you must say, some some some...etc..etc..etc..but I have never been able to grasp why they see this as a game. To me, this has never been a game and hopefully will never become a game. I do not like the whole concept of treating this as a game. Even if this means that I get hurt more often than not, even if this means that if this is a game, my success rate will never be high.

At the end of the day, I can get hurt. I can be silly. I can have my heart broken. I can even slowly lose faith in this whole concept. But, at least, I followed my heart and this is the most important thing to me.

* Maybe, just maybe, she will replace that special person in my heart and I will be able to finally seek closure with the past.

inner thoughts

Alcohol always make me feel a bit vulnerable. Some says drinking, especially excessively is to seek an escape, an escape from the harsh reality of life. Yet, drinking, especially moderately, can lead to you facing your deepest inner thoughts, squarely and truly. Slightly intoxicated(really, as can be seen by the fluency in this blog entry), my mind went into overdrive, for the first time in months.........

I have been going to CCK on a rather frequent basis since I got to know Yihui. Likewise, today, I went over to find her to study, though as expected, we ended up chatting much more than doing anything productively academically. Today is a rather happy day though, for I finally get to taste Yihui's famed horrible cooking, had a rather pleasant surprise that the dishes she cooked today(admittedly not requiring that much expertise)were not only edible but tasty. haha, we also had beer at the end of the very non-productive study session at starbucks eariler.......but this is really not the focus of my blog entry...........

Everytime I go to CCK, there's always this part of me who just hoped to catch a glimpse of her, from far or in near proximity, just a glimpse. I have not seen her for a year plus le and I just cannot bring myself to meet her when I had the opportunity to, resulting in the refusal to attend two of my good friends' birthdays because I know she will be there. Escapism ain't exactly the best way to do something and I really really wish that I can just go for that two good friends' birthdays and special events from now on without including the 'her' factor....Often in my head, I will try to imagine what it would be like seeing her after such a long absence, will it be like, cordial, amicable, small talk of no consequences, but diplomatic niceties? will it be like, avoidance and limiting much contact with her? Or will i fall back into that vicious cycle? I really have no idea...no idea at all....

We haven't been in contact at all since 4 months plus ago, since I sms-ed her to wish her happy birthday. I guess, after pissing her off with the well-drilled messages that my rational self managed to conjure up that my life is better off without you, make her so firm on her decision to never contact me again. For, I may just become that stranger which I wanted to be...just so that I don't have to be stuck into a vicious cycle again, just so that I can move on, just so that I can give the 'out of sight, out of thought' theory a try....Yet, I can't help but wonder whether she's right when she said that, to be strangers is just a temporary game that we two are playing.......yet maybe the game has long ended for her, while subconsciously, I'm still playing this stupid game...this game that long ought to have ceased and move on.....

I'm definitely moving on though, seemingly with a whole lot of false dawns along the way...but yet, always a step forward...or at least 3 steps forward, 1 step back, the least that I managed to do is to stop asking for her updates for close to 3 months le.....in a perverse way, she kept my sanity, or maybe to be more accurate, the idealized image of her kept me sane or insane...can't really tell the difference at times, for that fine line keeps blurring...with her at the back of my mind, I am able to reduce any possible tugging of the heartstrings by any other girl to a bare minimum that will be extingushed easily. This should be considered a merit isn't it? For to be troubled by matters of the heart is really just quite dumb..........(an irony considering this blog entry)

I wish I can say this will be the last time I blog about her, but judging by the fact that despite my strong desire to delete all her sms-es and pictures on the bus just now, I still can't do it.....does speaks volumes...

* Disclaimer- This blog entry is the direct result of intoxication. I am not down or sad, just feeling and thinking a bit more than usual, will be up n going to mug for that darn hy module tmr. urgh.

failing

C+ n D for two 20percent history term papers, a C grade average for a 50percent CA for that module. ouch. From a student who regularly tops his history classes since sec 3. What will my history teacher from sec 3 says to me when he hears about this? From the student who bugs him regarding a 75 mark prelim result to get a few more marks because I thought I deserve it, when there's only 3 people in the class getting that result? From my jc history teachers whom I wrote extra assignments for, just to ensure that there's zero chance of me faltering in the A-levels for history. From a nus student who is dissatisfied with his combined CAP score of 4.25 for 8 history modules, from a political science student who's considering a masters in history....

There should not be any excuse for such an abysmal CA grade. Failure arose not because of how the prof for this module is especially anal and not inspiring. The root cause of failure is the amount of neglect that I exhibit towards this level 3 module this sem. This represents the worst feeling of failure that I have ever experienced in nus. I have a knack for bouncing back in history modules, been there, done that because pride refuses to keep me down. Yet this time round, the challenge seems to be beyond me, needing an A grade for the final exam to get a B grade which represents the worst ever grade I have ever received in nus for history(am still sore over it), I guess realistically, a B+ is all that I can aim for in the final resulting in a B- grade....yet, the prof's anal marking and my own lack of effort in this solitary history module this sem make even that an uncertainty.

No confidence, no mood, no time, no conviction=no chance.

English heartbreak

England lost. England failed. England was not good enough to qualify for Euro 2008.

Steve, please resign. Steve, you suck. Steve, you just ain't good enough.

What is Euro 2008 without England?

Wasn't tonite supposed to be the Beckham miracle like in 2001?

Ain't England a quarter-final team at the very least?

HAIZ................................................................................

words of wisdom

While waiting for the mrt to go to school today, a quote on the mrt electronic signboard caught my eye,

'Unfortunately, many of life's failures are experienced by people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.'
- Thomas Edison

These words of wisdom were like a ray of sunlight that crept out of the dark clouds in my academic endeavours so far. Defeatism was like an endemic disease that plagued me in my hell-ish period where I endured 5 deadlines in 2 weeks. In the midst of that crazy period, there were often times when I felt like giving up. Like when I can't really link Clausewitz,perhaps the greatest military thinker even till today to a 21st century Sino-US relation with Taiwan as a flashpoint. Like when I did my presentation slides till 6 plus am in the morning for a presentation at 9am, culminating in a 39 hour sleepless ordeal. Like when I got my C+ for a history essay two days before the submission of the next one.....

Defeatism is something new, something that has not appeared in my uni days. Guess, the focus is gone with the ending of that dream. Guess, when I need only a B grade average for my remaining modules (close two eyes also can get) to retain my ordinary 2nd upper contributed to this. Perhaps also, is that academic fatigue that comes hand in hand with the crazy deadlines of honours year.

Exams are 1 week plus away, yet, I still have one last deadline, due next tuesday, rested 3 days so far le with really little motivation since that hell period, think will be very preoccupied with the last deadline, but I will remember Edison's words of wisdom. Drive on, Yanwei! The battles may be needless, but you need to remember the satisfaction that you get from recovering from your setbacks. You need to prove to yourself that you can do it! You need to not disappoint yourself! You need to....

vulnerability

Vulnerability is sexy, this tends to be one of the factors that I look for...but recently, I realised that plain vulnerability has lost much of its appeal to me. Gone is the 17 yr old boy who believes that, 'man are always superior to woman.' I cannot see myself believing in this absurd idea. Perhaps, by the age of 24, my contact with the fairer sex has been so frequent that this flawed idea just suffered a natural death. Now, vulnerabilty is not sexy, but vulnerability of a strong woman is sexy. That emotional strength of a woman is such a big draw especially when she has some vulnerability pegged to it. I still do not want a strong, independent woman who can handle every and anything in this world. But, to need help and support in every and anything is not exactly a draw. I still believe that as a man, you need to be strong, have broad shoulders and deal with anything and everything that comes your way. For that's what men are for, isn't it? We cannot afford to be weak. Yet, there are times in life where even strong men have their off days and weaknesses.

I guess, I don't really mind a career woman anymore. I am not even fixated about the idea of wishing that my wife would be a housewife next time. The fact that a girl has a mind of her own is actually pretty attractive. Furthermore, in this day and age, women whom are more capable are everywhere. There's really no logic or rationale in expecting or wishing that your wife sacrifices her dreams for your sake or the family's sake. This is not the ancient times anymore, whereby women's identity is defined as an extension of her husband. That is a really sad thought.

Perhaps, my jc classmates were right back then, I was never a mcp. I was just a mcp-wannabe. Duhz, the issue that I have with both labels were the fact that they were just thrown upon me in the first few weeks of school. All because, I said that the Qing Dynasty and the Russian Tsarist regime fell largely because of women. Warped, warped reasoning. haha, now I understand why my GP teacher told me to never tackle any gender questions after marking one of my essays on it.

Women may be the fairer sex, but they are definitely not the weaker sex. :)

academic ramblings/future?

As the clock ticks ever closer to my hell weeks-3 presentations(only 1 that is on my 20 page essay), 3 20 page essays, 1 5 page primary document analysis, 1 history term essay, I seriously need to get my engine started again. Been going on 2nd or third gear and not full speed so far...I like studying..yet, the stuff I'm studying can be really depressing at times...

Noam Chomsky exposed the really sucky side of US foreign policy and affected my love for the United States of America. I am a product or should I say, a victim of US cultural hegemony. I look at the US and see in it, the wonderful(yet propagandistic) products of hollywood, the American Dream, the lovely values such as democracy and human rights as epitomized by the Wilson's Fourteen Points and FDR's Atlantic Charter. Yet,my replies and criticism to Noam's book in my book review was so weak, I couldn't defend America after he listed all the atrocities of US FP..haiz, still I hold on to my love for US because things can get so much worse...

Studying about the dictators of Europe can be so depressing, I keep reading about the millions of people dying under Stalin, Mussolini been exposed as all style not much substance and I'm going to come into contact again with my favorite dictator soon, Adolf Hitler. Though, of course, the emphasis would be again on how he cause the Holocaust and his follies that led to his downfall. Not that I don't know anything about the evils of these dictators, its the incessant emphasis on their wrongdoings that is leading to a kind of intellectual fulfilment yet emotional depression.

For my module under my favorite Prof Alan Chong, I am again lost in outer space. I know I love that feeling of getting lost, and that's because out of all my modules this sem or even in nus so far, only Prof Chong could get me lost. I wonder is it due to my respect or admiration for him that I can't seem to be able to speak with conviction. Always looking at the lectures with a belief that I know too little to comment, when I know that I know so much more than other students in the class who speaks up. Needing to speak up, yet not having the confidence to(only in this module), its such a puzzling paradox that I have to come to terms with. I really really appreciate Prof Chong's lectures though for I learn so much, and I mean really a lot under him. He is the person who make me know that even at honours level, the knowledge that I possess is still not enough. And not many other profs are as inspiring as he is. My last module under him and with such a remote possibility that I will have him as my HT supervisor, I am just going to soak into this last chance of education under him.

I'm doing a paper on North Korea for regional security. And my grand theory just collapsed recently with the summit meeting(as already mentioned). That illustrates to me the fact that my realist orientation need some relaxation and I cannot be blinded by it.

Studying about the political parties and elections in Asia so far also made me realised that democracy as an ideal is just impossible. Politics is about power and not exactly about the people. Yet, of course, comparative political scientists are always exploring ways to provide models that might benefit a country more than the present system. But, the main goal of politicians ain't about finding the perfect system, they are concerned, first and foremost with gaining power or staying in power. They say politics is dirty. They are right.

Disillusioned? No, perhaps, I'm just tired. Tired at the feeling of experience and knowledge taking the place of innocence and ideals. Though I'm not ruling out doing a masters just yet, I must say I'm edging ever closer to working life. I just feel that taking a break from academia will serve me better. I want to feel that I'm making a difference. I don't want ideas to stay as ideas. Arguments that sound good on paper may just be that, plain theory. I feel that strong need to make a difference in people's life, in policy formulation, even if that difference is not great. Again, not ruling out working in the private sector, my passion for the civil/public service is getting so much stronger. This must be due to my education and my experience via my internships and mentorship. I just can't see myself working for profit as a bottomline. I want to be able to work for the public good. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of Singaporeans. To serve for this country I love, this appeals to me. A product of good national education? :p Perhaps, but this is my home.

Of course, I can't wait for the financial independence that I will get when I start working. I can see my car in the horizons, going for the many plays and musicals that I always want to go, visiting Old Trafford, going for overseas holidays and just enjoy life as a yuppie.

world peace

After ages during which the earth produced harmless trilobites and butterflies, evolution progressed to the point at which it has generated Neros, Genghis Khans and Hitlers. This, however, I believe is a passing nightmare; in time the earth will become again incapable of supporting life, and peace will return.

Bertrand Russell

personality test

8pm,in the com lab. Waiting for Hong to finish his webpage assignment, bored, tired from the exertions due to the preparations for today's US FP's presentation...Decided to do the personality test that I chanced upon on Yixian's blog...and i must say, the results were pretty accurate. Perhaps the results would shed some lights on my seemingly contradictory self....


Your Type is INFJ
Introverted 44%
Intuitive 50%
Feeling 38%
Judging 78%


Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe Butt
Profile: INFJ
Revision: 3.01
Date of Revision: 6 Mar 2005

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Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

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Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

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The Portrait of the Counselor Idealist (iNFj)

Copyrighted © 1996-2007 Prometheus Nemesis Book Company

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

Mohandas Gandhi and Eleanor Roosevelt are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

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*I wonder how many of my friends actually bothered to read through the whole personality test results. The link to do the test-

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

North Korea

Brillant. Just brillant. Just as I poured through about 20 books/journal articles for my North Korea term paper/presentation in three weeks time, the news of a historic summit between the Presidents of South Korea and North Korea call for reunification but more importantly, the nuclear issue! My thesis statement was going to point out how China-US nexus is critical to North Korea giving up the nuclear weapons and the futility of the 6 party talks(with Japan complicating issues at the talk with its emphasis on kidnappings by North Koreans) and hurray, North Korea had agreed to a disarmament programme. Sighz,political scientist's life rocks....

Besides the slight irritation, I'm actually happy about this news.. though as a political scientist and a hardcore realist, I wonder whether it will prove to a false dawn. Oh well, NK did go back on his agreement in 1993, didn't they? And wasn't NK a rogue state as perceived by Bush?(Yes, i know, he's dumb) After reading so many articles, some as recent as april this year, and not many actually forsee this coming, I'm starting to be a bit sceptical about the analysis of political scientists....

If the North Korean issue can be solved peacefully, if reunification can occur without bloodshed, if nuclear weapons can be disarmed peacefully, I will start having faith in human race again and become a LIBERAL! Oh no, i can't do that, Myanmar issue happening at the moment, n let's not forget about the many crisis zones still mired in disasters, and this simply disgusting divide of resources between the haves and the have-nots.....

Realism, you cannot go wrong with it. Not fundamentally, anyway.

* I wish the human race will prove me wrong. I wish world peace is not just a bimbotic aspiration said by beauty pageants.

a vaccum

Wondering whether you are right
And questioning my own thoughts
Not wanting to say out loud
To resist that temptation
Is quite an uphill task
No one truly understands
Got to sort this out

Sometimes, the most beautiful things in life are the things you can't get.

Grandma's birthday

I went for my Grandma's birthday celebration this evening. Can't help but notice the absence of some of my uncles, aunties and cousins..has life gotten that busy for them to actually miss ah ma's b'day..haiz...

My Ah Ma is 76 le, a very strong woman,someone whom I not only respect a lot but also shares a special bond with. She went through so much, raising 6 daughters and 3 sons singlehandedly, still selling the same vegetables, bean sprouts, mee,etc,etc today(even when she can retire le) and still worrying about her children and her grandchildren. I would like to think that I have not given her any reason to worry about me, but I am not so foolish to even contemplate that thought.....

I am her favorite grandchild. As the son of her eldest son and also the eldest grandson, I guess this comes as no surprise. I must be that first special bundle of joy. And I remembered she did spoil me a lot. What I can't get from my parents, I got from her. I don't have any figment of memory of her scolding me but only how she rub away my tears, be there for me,siding with me even when I'm wrong and I guess, just the sight of her calms me, sometimes, perhaps even more than the presence of my parents. She doesn't have to say that she loves me, I can feel it, geniune, altruistic love that she has for every one of her children and her grandchildren....

Maybe that's why the absence of these aunties,uncles and cousins was quite poignant for me. I have never missed Ah Ma's birthday and I made a promise to myself today that I will try my very best to attend Ah Ma's birthday as much as circumstances allow me to. For what can be more important than the birthday of my dearest ah ma(maybe, a mission in the name of national security is one such matter though :p-haha, think too much le).

Ah Ma, I know its not in our family tradition to say this and I don't think you will ever hear this from me in person or been able to read this blog entry,but I just wanted to say,

I love you. Happy Birthday :)

tagged

I got tagged by Yixian. So, I shall be nice and not disappoint her.

Rules: Each player of the game starts off by writing 6 weird things about themselves before choosing another 6 of their friends to "sabo". People who get tagged needs to write in a blog on their own, 6 weird things about themselves and state the rules clearly.

1. I have a fetish for NAZI history. So much so that, I think I will make a good NAZI historian. :p

2. I'm a pragmatic realist when I deal with mundane matters, yet a hopeless idealist when it is issues concerning matters of the heart.

3. I listen to Christian songs and read the bible when I'm really down. Yet, I do not see myself becoming a christian anytime soon. Possibly this may be due to me not wanting to become a christian in a time when I need external, divine help. I will only become a christian when I can turn to God in a position of strength. Sounds weird enough? I think so too...

4. I am usually chatty and affable yet, my vocabulary and grammar may disappear when I meet someone I like. Hmm.....

5. People say I am a sadist. Perhaps, I see the rationale for pain. Pain makes you appreciate things more. Scars on the other hand is a totally different thing...

6. I am indeed a bundle of contradictions. now, that's weird isn't it? :p

Okie, I won't tag anyone. And, friends reading this, try not to tag me too. Don't exactly like doing tags. :p

sunshine

Its a bit ironic that I use the term sunshine to describe my feelings today. Considering that I had a 9am class on a rainy morning coupled with a minimum of 2 hours of sleep(my warped clock, tsk), the signs for a monday blues seem both ominious and imminent. However, this turned out to be my best monday for weeks.

Its amazing how little things in life can bring you so much joy. A simple sms from someone special just filled my heart with warmth that the cold weather cannot override. Though, I won't make the mistake of reading too much into it, as there are too much uncertainties le, but I'm really happy. And, sometimes, moments of happiness like this are not meant to be rationally deconstructed.

And my best friend, Andrew who went M.I.A.-ing in KL with his work, work, work is finally online for the longest time ever(ok, i may be exaggerating, but hey, a month is a long time for me with regards to him, bleahz). I got to catch up with him again, hearing that he's doing fine, rocks. Telling him I miss him and knowing that he miss me too just make the day perfect. And, yes, my graduation day is far far away, but he already promised he will try his best to take leave from his work to come for it. How sweet! Shucks, I sound so gay, but if there is anyone in this world who's indispensible to me at this moment(with the exception of my family), its him. 11 yrs of friendship and counting.

School took a turn for the better too. I have managed to take it easier le. And with my filtering mechanism turned on to filter analysis from crap and my decision to switch off at crap at intervals and start drawing things on my notebook, I felt so much more at ease. What's more, there are still instances in classes that I will feel the need to speak up and actually enjoy doing that, taking a stand, speaking from a position of strength and even just some lighthearted talk. haha, its actually amazing to me how once you identify a problem, you can actually remedy it so soon.

After four weeks of school, there's actually an interesting presentation! The third presenter, Ying Shi for regional security seminar captured my attention for her whole presentation and the q n a session. She did the unimaginable thing........trying to sell a grand theory. Whole-ly unconventional and quite original indeed. Not the regular staple that my peers have dished out so far(and what I might possibly do too). A pity that her grand theory has many flaws in it that probably the majority of the class(sadly, including me) could not really buy it. The usual refrains from the ps cohort have to come into factor again, using established theoretical construct, questioning the argument with the other side of the coin and basically trying to bash something original. Sighz, must our minds really be so closed, I kinda wonder. I am seriously hoping that she can iron out the limitations of her argument and polish that raw gem into a diamond. For, originality and boldness in her argument did capture my attention. For whatever the limitations of the points in her presentation, that was a really interesting viewpoint. Her presentation brought semblances of the criticisms levelled towards Grand theorists such as Huntington(Clash of Civilization thesis) and Mackinder(Heartland theory).

What a great way to start the week! Going gym-ing tommorow too. :)

ranting, just ranting

* What lies ahead is an incoherent ranting that does not make for easy reading.

Its 5am again. It seems like this is my favorite timing to pen some of my thoughts. Maybe, the inner turmoil that I have been going through for the past few weeks dies down at around this timing of the day. The last lap of the nite, the break of dawn nears, the sun rises and a whole new day begins. This daily occurances do amaze me, this is one of the most amazing things in life. To be able to experience this on a daily basis should suffice....no?

Fatma told me again and again, 'Life is as complicated as I made it out to be.', I'm starting to visualize this point more and more. Why do I have the tendency to complicate life itself? Life can be just simple, cant it? Yet, I feel that the complexies of life will haunt me, has haunted me since eons ago. I might have just lost that childlike innocence that Blake keeps preaching about. He's right, childlike innocence once lost, can never be recovered. Or am I still stubbornly clinging on to one part of me that remains as a child and yet can't reconcile that with my own rational thinking. For thinking with the brain is a whole different matter from thinking with the heart, maybe one should apply rationality to everything. Maybe one should exercise caution and discretion when doing anything and everything. Yet, deep down, I know I dont want that part to be lost, I want to be irrational at times, I want to be able to feel. I try my hardest to be desensitized, very hard, because I just can't look at the world and only see its bad points. I tear at movies, often silently with noone even noticing, autobiographies during times of wars and chaos, others misfortunes..yet I know there is only so much stuff that I can receive from the dark side. People are dying as and when I'm typing this blog entry or when you are reading this..yet I remained obsessed with the myopic picture of me, myself and my problems. Sometimes, I find that very ironic, isn't it already a blessing that I am alive... I remembered telling wan ting, that I can't change the world, I'm just an ordinary man, but she told me something along the lines, that you can, as long as you made a difference in another person's life and you did make a difference in mine. And so, what are some of my self-reflections of my small, negligible problems in life?

I feel like a rubber band, stretched and stretched and stretched until it snapped without me knowing. It has snapped, I realised, the outburst that happened was not just a one-off thing, its more of a long term building up process. I realised that my efforts(which is a hell lot) is not exactly bringing me that intellectual fulfilment that I am looking for. That sense of assurance, that comfortability and that ease has gone missing. I'm confused, I'm feeling an additional, unnecessary weight of stress and burden that seems to have no outlet for release. Even after completing like 200over pages of readings for one topic, my brain signals to me, there's so much more to know, this is the tip of the iceberg, you still have no access to the whole picture and this is starting to frighten me....yet, my bias towards the readings of some modules over another have left me in a precarious position that I'm far behind in readings for others. I simply do not have the time for my studies(which I value a lot) and my social life(heavily circumscribed le)....

That unnecessary pressure also arose from that excessive pride of mine. People who know me well knows that this is my biggest merit and my biggest flaw. My dream has ended, but the bruised ego remains brusied. Its like crying out for attention, asking me to soothe it, to make it feel better. To bring it the success that it craves and that means tangible results, grades in this instance. For the bruised ego insists that not meeting my own potential(however, overrated this concept is) is bad enough, to continue to underperform is even a worse sin. Coupled with that almost mythical belief in my own ability to perform, to get that A grade that I craves, this just feels like a double whammy, making failure seems like an unthinkable thing, making mediocrity appears as a non-option.

But it is just so contradictory, this kind of unnecessary, counterproductive and incessant pressure has clouded my analytical skills,made writer's blocks seems more certain, made the formulation of ideas tough and made absorption difficult, it has even affected my motivation level. I am grappling with it at the moment, trying to make life easier again for things will be much easier when you are not obsessed with something and allows you to take a step back and see things in a different light.

And no, I'm not like just fighting a war on one front, its actually two fronts. Isnt that the worst senarios that every warlord, every leaders of the nations fears? The fear of encirclement, the fear of entrapment and of course the fear of defeat.

My irrational, emotional self took a hit today. It hurts, but I guess the hurt is good. For if you don't suffer pain, how would you know what is joy? It serves as an awakening. I shall cease to care as much as my heart wants me to. Inadvertantly, I'm actually causing that person some unnecessary troubles. It puts a drain on me too, needing to take time off other kinds of worries that is actually bothering me. I felt dispensible...maybe I am not dispensible, but that feeling sure did strike me and perhaps I am dispensible. I guess, fading into oblivion seems a viable alternative isn't it, for there's no point in caring so much and making life tough for myself. I shall keep myself preoocupied with all the stuff that I have on hand now. Haiz...

What a long entry, blogging does have its therapeutic effects. I guess, in this journey in life, there are times when people will fall by the sidelines, needing a reality check and just some time to clear their thoughts.

actually

Its simple, actually.
No fuss, no complications.
Just simplicity, that's all.

Its nothing, actually.
Absence, void, emptiness.
Just nothingness, that's all.

Its history, actually.
Past tense, memories.
Just history, that's all.

Its melancholy, actually.
Irrational, fleeting.
Just melancholy, that's all.

my ps clique

I felt so lost on my first day of school. The usual faces at the dungeon were no longer there and I felt the loss of my ps clique- Heyi, Hong, Meiling and Zheyuan. School without them just doesn't seem to be school anymore. So lost, that I sms-ed Meiling and Hong about it. I did most of my projects in nus with them, ate lunch with them, chilling out in the library, rushing midterm papers throughout the nite together, going out pubbing/pool/studying until wee hours into the morning or even morning with them. Haiz, all I needed in political science was just them. Hong's last semester in nus le... seeing him on thursday brought back so much comfort, yes, I missed my first lesson in nus becos he overslept, but still, just seeing him in this setting cheers me up. Going to his house to play with Mocha made my day even better. We plan to take the same tutorials for the only two modules we have together, me sacrificing my only free day and he taking a 10am lesson at a huge risk because we know that this is probably the last semester in our life that we study together. I'm really thankful to have him for this semester before I 'go solo' next semester.

Going solo is of course too drastic to describe it, I still have friends whom I knew for quite some time to hang out with- Roy and the new media gang to talk cock with, Peishan(going for sep this sem), Wanrong, Fatma, Nabilla,Min Li, Joan, Zhixiang are amongst the friends I have known for quite a while that I feel at ease with to study together. And also my PA internmates- Daniel, Yishu, Hock Sing and Ben whom I clicked so well during my internship. Even though this is only the first week of school, I also know quite a few new friends le...

But at the end of the day, I guess, I will still miss my PS clique and when Hong finally graduates this sem, I will feel that school as a Political Science Major has more or less ended in a metaphorical sense for me too. Oh well, partings are just part and parcel of life, no longer coursemates but definitely friends for life. :)