Underachievement

Underachievement is a sin. It is a very bitter pill. To not meet one's potential because he/she did not try hard enough is just wrong. Failure via this manner is really a pity and cannot be forgiven. However, ain't everyone guilty of that at some point in life? For me, I am facing a constant problem, the problem of contentment. It is such a recurring theme in my life story, with regards to my goals in life..and its all encapsulated in the philosophy I had held dearly since jc,

'Aim for the moon, drop amongst the stars.' Why am I always on the stars?? This question keep popping in my mind. Am I supposed to be realistic and settle for 2nd best all my life? Maybe my moon is so elusive because I have followed the thinking that the sky is the limit for quite some time in the process of charting my goals and sticking to them. A 2nd upper can be a satisfactory outcome for many people or even bring much happiness but for me, the failure to get a 1st Class is starting to haunt me. I can't say that I deserve it fully because I'm not really a hardcore mugger(mugger yes, hardcore no). With the exception of last semester, I feel that the amount of effort I put in should have translated into the results that I deserved..so... it has not proven to be the case.......

Internship hunting season this time round provided me with a torrid time. It served as such a major contrast to last year where I faced relatively lesser problems in getting an internship I wanted with the ultra elitist SIP programme( 5 out of 8 of my presentation mates were in the first class honours range). This time round, it has not been smooth sailing and I have certainly been demoralised in the hunt with rejection letters and no-replies. Getting an internship offer at the start of the month provided me with more relief than joy.

Sure, the sky is the limit. One of life's most valuable lessons starts from infancy, one learns how to stand, walk, run and finally fly(metaphorically). It has indeed been a humbling experience, when one's achievements fall short of his expectations. I shall try to learn as much as I can, pursue my dreams, take failures into my stride and strive to have a life that I always wanted.

Thoughts arising from solitude

The mad rush for deadlines ended on monday, after 3 weekends burnt, lots of stress and pressure from my expectations of my work and the mundane neccesity to just get things done, I finally had time to reward myself with some me time. That kind of guilt-free feeling of slacking..I thought my brain needed a break..or so I thought..my brain actually went into overdrive again after some blog surfing, movie watching(3 movies in the span of 2 days), tv watching, listening to songs and chatting....(you just can't keep a brain from blanking out can you..not after the compulsory blanking out that it routinely went through like 2 months ago)...

Sex is Zero and my friend's short stories got me thinking...is this just a period that I got tired of idealistic love, do I really need to learn the rules of the game..? Have I really lost faith in the meaning of sincerity..or am i even clear of the concept of it in the first place..? What exactly is love..let alone true love..? Happy endings are looking more n more like cliches in movies and stories... am i just jaded..or to put it in a ps way..turned into a realist..?

The Last King of Scotland and Sophie Scholl, The Final Days( I am such a sucker for NAZI-related movie, love this to the core again) also got me in really deep thoughts. The allure, charms, lures of dictatorships/totalitarian regimes and I can totally understand why people can get lost in the moment of heat and passion and become irrational with all the pomp and glamour of such regimes...

While Sophie Scholl and the White Rose earned not just respect, admiration, recognition and become martyrs in their own right.. for their quest for conscience, for freedom, to die for an idea is really noble and ought to be applauded(to say the least)...the ugly side of idealism is portrayed so vividly in The Last King of Scotland whereby idealism when misguided could not just lead to the loss of one's own life but the disillusionment and the pain of supporting a wrong cause...

Idealism is like a fire, it sustains a person yet to be too obsessed with it risks an unneccessary engulfment while love is just........beyond rational comprehension...

Generation X cartoons!!!!

I know, I know, its just another ploy by the commercial world to earn my money.

I know, I know, hollywood, the epitome of American soft power is trying to propagate its influence again.(ok, that may be pushing it too far..)

I know, I know, I'm not a kid anymore...........................BUT.................................................................

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm feeling so nostalgic and so so so excited about the upcoming movie version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!!!! Just reading about the movie review brings back so much sweet sweet sweetest memories of my childhood!!! COWABUNGA!!!! Turtle Power!!! lol..Suddenly, I feel like a kid again.

To top it off, Transformers and Alvin and the Chipmunks will be out this year!!!!!!!!!!!!(Excluded the Simpsons making their entrance to the big scene finally because its themes are quite adultlike in nature, lol). They are also going to give the Smurfs a 21st century makeover next year!!! Maybe, maybe, if they really make film versions of GI Joe, Care Bears and He-Man in the near future, I will definitely catch it lah..

Yes, hollywood, thanks for catering to the Gen-X audience again. Even brillant cartoon movies such like Finding Nemo and Shrek just don't evoke that much excitement and interest in us. Do take note of our spending power. Don't let classic 80s cartoons be consigned to history!

A tribute and a farewell

You came. Unexpectedly. We agreed it was going to be a short fling. You seem too good to be true. Yet, you gave your all and we fell in love with you. Henrik Larsson. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for giving us a taste of your brillance. We will never forget you. Even if you are only with us for a mere 3 months, you will still be remembered. You started your Manchester United career with a debut goal and ended your last match at Old Trafford with a beauty that eased our nerves. Come saturday, we will watch you with adoring eyes, admiring you for the last time that you wear this proud jersey of Manchester United. Goodbye Larsson, Goodbye. Thanks for the memories. :)

An interesting quiz

a month

It has been a month. A month into my recovery period. A month with absolutely no contact with her. She kept her word, I kept my resolve. In this period, bouts of missing her come and go. Mood swings, sometimes, I get into this really anti-social mood that I just don't want to see anyone, just want to be holed up in my room and seek solace in solitude. Other times, I derive such comfort in just hanging around people, especially close friends. I like that closeness, that feeling of just being able to be yourself, to say what you want, to do as you like, not needing to put on a facade, not needing to say more and they understand.

Yes, I miss her, but I miss the old yanwei more.
The one with less mood swings
The one who has so much drive and confidence in his work.
The one who don't procrastinate as much as I do now.
The one who gives a black face for a B+ for his essays and tests.
The one who takes lots of pride in his work.
The one who's always vocal in class.
The one who sees tests, essays and exams as fun.
The one who respects school as a battlefield and derive joy from it being a playground.

sighz..where is he..I wonder..? Where has that warlord gone? Where's that drive? I guess, fighting a losing war plays a really major part in this lack of motivation. When there's no margin for error, when a first class honours dream seems inevitably going to end mathematically after this sem, the level of commitment and desire is lacking.

I'm sure, this commitment, desire and drive will be back though...as long as I continue my recovery process..the old yanwei will be back. I still need a really good 2nd upper class to stand a chance of getting the teaching assistant scheme in RSIS if I do pursue a masters. I still harbour hope of doing a doctorate in the Ivy League Universities. Though I'm sure, ANU(ranked suprisingly 6th in world's university ranking for social sciences, NUS is ranked 11th in this ranking) will accept me though. :) But, I want an American postgraduate education for my PHD!!!

The good husband's guide

The good husband's guide! Created by Fatma. Hmm..there's not much to tsk tsk about this guide except the part about not nagging and never suggest that the wife is wasting money(erm, marriage is a union can, nagging cannot be the exclusive right of a woman!waste money definitely must point out mah, bleahz). Haha, told Fatma that if she can find a guy who fulfills every point on the list, tell me. I'm willing to turn gay for such a guy sia.(Won't happen because no guy is THIS perfect)

Actually, I think this guide is not that demeaning and some of the points are actually reasonable.(gasp,did I just said that?) haha, I guess, in this 21st century, women cannot and ought not be restricted and enslaved in so-called traditional gender roles anymore. Perhaps, marriage really works best if we treat it as a union where two parties have more or less equal say.

However, I still hold hope for a demure woman(xiao nu ren). :p No point wanting a career woman lah when I can bring enough dough home.

*At the end of the day, I guess, when we love someone enough, we will be willing to compromise on a lot of issues and perhaps fulfill the reasonable points on both guides bah.

of Sad eyes

Of Sad Eyes


Hello how are you?
my dearest friend that I ever had
How's everything going on with you?
missed your old days that with you I had
Ye my friend of the sad eyes

I remember how you used to play
your harp and flute in gay
The fun we had and the happy memories
away from troubles and the tragedies
Not like now my friend of the sad eyes

I wonder where did you go?
and where you are hiding?
scared of this world of ego?
or maybe you are on your bed dying?
Where are you, my friend of the sad eyes?

Here, we have a moon with light
and a sun that is so bright
But not easy life to be engaged
and nothing to you to be compared
Ye my friend of the sad eyes

And though they are beautiful
the plenty of roses that we have here
But destiny and hearts are so harmful
in the world we are living here
Really missed my friend of the sad eyes

My thought and soul are longing
to know to whom am I talking
But after many trials to know
who is the ghost that I would never know
It was but me, the one of the sad eyes

Taher Shemaly

The good wife's guide

OMG...'The good wife's guide' is a must-read for gals!~ Thanks Fatma, for this wonderful guide. If only my future wife can be like 80percent of what is described in the guide and I will be the luckiest and happiest guy in the world.

I think that will only happen in my dreams though. Times have changed...duhz. bleahz.

* Convinced by Fatma and Yixian that this guide is demeaning to the woman race and if guys want to have a wife like that, we will be better off getting a robot. bleahz. Oh well...maybe we don't demand lah, but can hope that she has some of the qualities what...

Salvatore's reply.

To fully understand the context and rationale for this short story told by Alfredo,you must watch cinema paradiso. Cinema paradiso is a classic, a must watch, sighz..though I'm going to spoil a bit of fun by revealing what Salvatore's take on this story after a heartwrenching relationship with his first love.

Salvatore to Alfredo(much later in the movie):

Now, I know why the soldier left after all that time. One more night and the princess would be his. But she might have broken her promise and that would have been terrible. It would have killed him. This way, at least for 99 nights he had lived with the illusion that she was waiting for him.


To me, the soldier left because after enduring all the pain, he came to the realization that someone who love him would never put him through all the pain.

a fairytale?

A story that Alfredo told Salvatore in Cinema Paradiso


Once upon a time, a king gave a feast for the loveliest princess in the realm. Now a soldier who was standing guard saw the king's daughter go by. She was the most beautiful of all and he instantly fell in love. But what is a simple soldier next to the daughter of a king? Well, at last he succeeded in meeting her and told her he could no longer live without her. The princess was so taken by the depth of his feelings that she said to the soldier, " If you can wait for 100 days and 100 nights under my balcony at the end I shall be yours." With that, the soldier went and waited one day, two days, then ten, then twenty. Each evening, the princess looked out and he never moved! In rain, in wind, in snow, he was always there. Birds shit on his head, bees stung him but he didn't budge. At the end of 90 nights, he had become all dry, all white. Tears streamed from his eyes. He couldn't hold them back. He didn't even have the strength to sleep. All that time, the princess watched him. At long last it was the 99th night and the soldier stood up, took his chair and left.

the trick to score an 'A'

Never seek to score an 'A'
'A' that is never sought can be
For every student ought to learn
Silently, invisibly.

I sought an 'A', I sought an 'A',
I sought it with all my heart,
Frustrated, upset and in fear-
Ah! I watched my 'A' depart!

Soon after it had eluded me
A cheery student came by
Silently, invisibly,
She got an 'A'- but why?

Willam Gweeke

Nice poem on the door of an Eng. Lit. Prof's office that caught my eye.

Strangers..

Its over. I want it to be over. She went back to her bf again..not totally unexpected, but it hurts a hell lot, what hurts even more is my decision to put a swift end to this rollercoaster ride, I requested and emphasized my need for a complete break from her, no sms, no e-mails, no phone-calls, no msn, nothing, I will never ever contact her again, she agreed not to contact me again too..I hope she don't contact me..because, I may just cave in and succumb. I do not want to be stuck in the quagmire again. Hurt is becoming a feeling that is too often felt. Perhaps, all these hurt felt can condition myself to a faster route of recovery.

How can you be a stranger to someone whom you care so much about? When the hurt felt don't make you hate her but make you feel that you asked for it? How can one suddenly not care anymore? How...? In fact, in our 3plus hour of msn conversation just now, we ended on such an amicable note, there were of course heartwrenching moments but there were also lighthearted and cheerful moments that made giving up so hard.

You know, this is like the fourth time that this decision is taken, but never ever in the past did I tell her to be cruel. To not contact me in whatever form ever. To not reply to any forms of contact from me if I relapse. My heart has died. Not a single tinge of idealistic hope that we will be together exists anymore. A pity that it is not numb yet. The pain is like an old-time wound been bruised and bloodied again, adding salt onto the old wound and adding new ones. She never fail to increase my pain felt everytime she hurt me. Perhaps, the more pain felt each time also represents the deeper I sink.

I told her I will always remember her as the little girl with a sweet blush, will only remember the angel in her and will never forget her. Its true, I have always managed to defend her actions towards me, her thoughts, her feelings, the situation she faces. I don't blame her, I don't hate her, I asked for it.

I am moving on. Let this be the last time I said this. I am moving on. Damn you, Yanwei, don't renege on your decision again, even if she break up again with her bf, you two are just not meant to be, don't even bother thinking about any possibility of getting together with her in future. Don't ever be that dumb again.

Its sinking in...we are going to be strangers.

joy from soccer..woohoo..

Singapore vs Malaysia

I went to the stadium with my friends to watch the Singapore vs Malaysia match today..the stadium was packed with 55,000 fans, electrifying atmosphere, the real Kallang Wave, the roar of support from us, the incessant boo-ing n jeering of the Malaysian players, the boo-ing of the ref.! You know, I have never felt so Singaporean for such a long time, the shouting, boo-ing in mandarin, dialact, english, malay, oh my god...yet, I think we were all speaking a common language, its just amazing.

The joy felt from the Singapore team's equalizer and the penalty shootout victory is just so immense. The adrenline rush is surreal to say the least. I literally shouted and boo-ed myself hoarse after the penalty shootout. No voice came out of my mouth when I tried to shout in joy at the instance when our keeper saved the penalty. I'm so glad I went to watch the match. Really appreciate the effort by Wanrong and Min Li to go earlier today to buy the tickets for the whole group. Go, go, Singapore!! lol

Wayne Rooney's red hot form!

Rooney is in red hot form again!!! Supersub Wayne!! Brillant masterstroke from Sir Alex!!! OMG..the second goal that Rooney scored against Portsmouth today reminded me of Manchester United Legend, Eric Cantona. Cantona is the reason for me pledging my undying allegience to Manchester United. Finally, we have a player capable of filling Cantona's boots! Wayne Rooney!!!!!!!!!! Manchester United rocks!!!!!!!!!

Her

Found out that she is not exactly doing fine, she actually had a really bad mood swing today, sighz. It still hurts to know that she's depressed. Its so much easier to put her on the back of my mind with the knowledge that she's doing fine. She did not turn to me despite her mood swing. With our contact reduced to a minimal level, I shouldn't be too surprised by that.

May she have a better sunday and a good week ahead. God, please bless her.

A College Love Story

Nab recommended this story to me, its really touching. Thanks, Nab. :)

A College Love Story


What she doesn't know will kill you
by Matt Brochu
November 21, 2003

You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen's house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn't know.

Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or CU, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a "Buddy Alert" is, you've rigged your computer to play "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" from "Tommy Boy" every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn't know.

She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Anna-Kournikova-and-Lizzie-McGuire-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to Cornell sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn't know.

She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing. But you're a writer. You can describe anything. That's what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you're afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you'll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn't mind.

You wouldn't mind that the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn't mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn't mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. ... because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don't mind that you've slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn't know.

Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years.

You remember everything she's ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can't remember your teaching assistant's name, and you can't remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know.

But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over. You could kick his butt, and you've never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988.

But she loves him. He wouldn't know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn't know.

Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You've been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you're the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don't deserve to have rocks thrown at them.

But nothing changes. She doesn't know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she'll never know. You get that feeling that you'll be forced to write a cheesy Collegian column about her that makes "Sleepless in Seattle" look like "Girls Gone Wild."

You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn't know. You're not in love. You're not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to.

So ___________, it's about time you know*.


Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.

Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist.

distance

Chatted with her online for an hour before a premature ending because of bad internet connection on her side and its getting late. Naturally, I feel a sense of disappointment...Just glad to hear that she's been doing ok lately..

There's this distance between me and her..distance on my side..she still sounds the same..but the feeling's different le..perhaps..the need to not tell her what I really want to say and how I feel contributes to that..

There's light in the tunnel. The only issue here is, ' How far is the light?'

political science major's rant.

A friendly caution- this post may be boring for a non-political science major.

What's a good political scientist? Someone who can package crap as grand theory will be my appropriate answer. Immanual Kant is well-famed for his incoherency, Marx's theory is still disputed and subjected to lots of interpretations, Samuel Huntington's Clash of Civilizations seems overly simplistic and yet applicable all at the same time and Francis Fukayama's End of History thesis is an overly optimistic liberal view that has lost much credence after the rise of religious fundamentalism in today's world..especially the post 9-11 era.

There are so many more examples that I can list out..I guess the biggest problem a political science major faces must be the fact that one can never call a spade a spade..unlike history..we like to deconstruct things..like to protray a simple world as a complicated one..or rather describe a complicated world to the fullest..there's always perspectives..and many many sides to the story..depends on which ideological slant that you are leaning closer to. Realism, liberalism, marxism, postmodernism, technological determinism, constructivism, functionalism, primordialism, individualism...let us not even go into adding the neo- in front of some of these theories.

I am a proud realist, a neo-realist in some aspects, a hawk, a person who believe that power is the be all and end all and states will always be the main actor and the most powerful actor in the international environment, everything is determined first by realpolitik, by geopolitics, by calculated self-interest..humanitarian concern, altruism, just war, ideological reasons for fighting are not irrelevant to me but always seems less convincing to me on a personal basis...Yup, I admit, this is a serious ideological bias.

Today, I had a seminar essentially upon medium theory, of all fields, my most hated field postmodernism..Mcluhan tried to sell this theory by stating the crappy fact that the medium is the message, no..the medium is the massage..oh wait..he meant both are applicable..you know what's the most irritating thing about postmodernists? You can never pin their argument down..its all ambiguity here, incoherence everywhere..complicating simple issues..I will accept the scientific prism analogy as with how information interacts with the media..but...the medium is the message and source doesn't matter, hot and cool mediums? Come on, let's be realistic.

Mcluhan confused me so much that the subsequent postmodernist discussion about medium as the message or the massage rendered me into a silent student for the first time..not out of my own will, not because of lack of effort but lost in the world of postmodernist discussion..

It is actually a bit funny to see people attacking and defending a postmodernist theory..especially when more often than not..the position of a postmodernist is not clear. My mind steeped in the proud tradition of realist thought just could not muster an argument that I am convinced of to defend/attack this stupid medium theory.

* I need to join in the mess the next time I encounter another postmodernist theory crap..for the 20percent participation marks cannot be neglected. >.<

ouch~

I dropped the cd case with the cd she burnt for me. Instantly,I felt a heartwrenching sensation. Ouch, ouch, that hurts. The first message that my brain sent out was so clear, 'Damn it, Yanwei, can you be more careful anot?!' I inspected the cd case and played the cd. After a meticulous inspection, relief and satisfaction took over the previously negative emotions.

The pain of missing her..

I miss her...been refraining from sms-ing/msn-ing/calling her since that sms on friday afternoon...it does hurt...it is painful..but definitely much less pain than what she can deal me with...Been trying my best to smile more,laugh more and crack more jokes..humour as a defence mechanism? humour is the best medicine..? Maybe..just feel like drinking alcohol now..a heineken or a glass of chocolate mint baileys but I have none now..sighz..Maybe Andrew is right....

'If my happiness depends on someone, I'll never be completely free or happy.'

'There'll always be a misogynist part of me that will whisper...look how weak you've become, fawning over another human, just because she's got boobs and a pussy and some chemical primitive processes in your animal brain fancies you're experiencing this illusion called true pure love. Desire is never pure man, and you know it.'

Sighz..words of wisdom from my best friend...yah..I'm neither free or happy in a totality sense..bonded by the feeling of liking her..but hey..if slavery can be abolished..this form of bondage shouldn't be too much of a problem...I hope...
Yah, I'm weak, vulnerable and I am disappointed and sometimes hate myself for allowing myself to go through all these crap..n feeling miserable...

* Wake up..........

a bad start to a good day~

I had a bad start to my day..but at the end of my day in school, I am happy and chirpy..

My bad start to the day was due to an sms from her..she sent me a seemingly innocuous sms..asking me lightheartedly whether I want to be her big brother and her be my little sister..sighz..to her this sms may be innocuous..to me..it is really hurting..all I was expecting from her is that bit of sensitivity to my feelings..but yet..I cannot even get that..she knows fully well..that I like her a lot..and with all that had happened between me and her..did she really think that I will be her brother..? Sighz..I am starting to feel that I want to move on..I may already be moving on..but it may just be a mirage...but..the desire to be happy and not be too hurt by her seems to contribute to the building of a defensive wall around my heart..still in the early stages..but its a start...

Then the start to a wonderful day in school. :) First up, my ps mod. South Asia, Politics and Foreign Policy..its good to be taught by Dr. Kripa again..I just love her style..and of course teasing Nabilla during the break lifted me up..it just feels good to be able to laugh,joke and chat with Nab and Fatma..

Then Government and Politics of Southeast Asia..boring mod., but it seems so easy that an A in the mod. is really within grasp if I work hard enough..anything less than an A- for this mod. will be deemed as a failure by this confident warlord. :)

Then Forensic Science, its like how interesting can..plus..the fact that I am taking with so many friends really made this nite class entertaining..the unexpected suvenoir from Shuyi, the chit chatting over dinner and the company for half of the journey back home..it just warms my heart...

Since, I have briefly reviewed 3 mods..might as well..talk about 2 more mods that I'm taking..Living with Fluids is not that boring though quite technical and tough for an arts student like me..but I have my S/U option..lol..and this mod. allows me to mingle with Meiling who's probably graduating this sem :(, for two days of my week..and also know Steph better..which is really a bonus...

Lastly,my favorite module this sem, International Politics of Communications,a honours yr mod. with a 18 page reading list..intellectually stimulating and challenging and taught by my favorite Prof, Dr Alan Chong..the only module this semester that I'm taking alone though..but the module that I am most serious about..I am going to give it my best shot..120percent..everything that I have..this is my new challenge..and I am going to conquer it!

Seeking solace in the sanctuary of school. School will be very comforting with lots of laughter, socializing and fun. School will also provide me with the new challenge that I need in terms of my academic endeavour.

Regrets...

Regrets..an inevitable reality of life. There are always going to be instances whereby a different decision may have chartered a totally different route in life...sometimes I ponder over the decisions taken, other times, I just keep putting them at the back of my mind, preferring to let time do its magic and lessen the agony and pain over it..time is a really lousy solution/cure/aid/medicine/drug though..

I had my fair share of hurt in my life but when I look back at my past..there will always be two girls in my life that I will always feel regret for...because I know I have caused them pain and hurt. One is of course, my ex., who had to deal with an immature egoistic prick(me,sighz..I was 14,what did u expect) and the other is X whom I met and knew in jc..I was slightly older by the time I was 17..yet I was still a confused immature individual who thinks he's over his ex. n yet so not over..sighz..I knew I hurt X badly..through my insensitive actions and decisions taken..my defence that I am still a boy doesn't even convince myself when it comes to X...I just can't seem to be able to reconcile my past..that I hurt two angels badly in my life..

With my ex., the dust has settled and she's happily married and we still meet a few times a year for movies, catching up n stuff..I no longer have romantic feelings towards her and our friendship has reached a new level..Its not that beautiful though..in this friendship, my ex. always has to make the effort to check on me,ask me whether I'm free n stuff..and I don't do likewise..sighz...financial constraint, a reluctance to be reminded of the past or just inherently anti-social and keen to stick to my own circle of friends..? I wonder...

With X..my apologies were never going to be enough to lessen the pain I caused her..I am still guilty at taking the easy way out and did the insensitive things that I did..she made efforts throughout the years to keep in touch too..yet I failed to reciprocate...she never got the reasons for my actions back in jc..until today..sighz..I thought she would hate me, I wish she would hate me..but she dont..sighz..she rendered me speechless for a while..and caused this mixture of feeling in me..guilt,sorrow and a tinge of sweetness..when I asked her, 'why are you so nice to me?' and she said, 'Becos I treasure you as a friend.'

I have to come to terms with my past with X..treasure her more and have this angel back in my life again. One thing I am sure of is that I do not want to hurt either angels ever again.

* Facing the past, dealing with the present and looking to the future..everything will be ok in the end. I seem to have quite a handful to ponder over..hmm..shall take as much time as I can afford bah..I want to be happy.

heineken/chocolate mint baileys.

Once upon a time, I had a distaste for alcohol..drank it only for the sole purpose of socializing..I remembered vividly my feelings towards beer when I first tasted it when I was 9 yr old..the bitter taste, the disgusted look on my innocent face and the puzzling thought about why people actually derive pleasure from such poison..how things have changed when you grow up..

National Service did not change my distaste for alcohol..though one of my fondest memories was getting really drunk on tiger beer(yah..tiger beer, of all drinks) at one of my campmates' ord celebration in spec mess, it was 2002 december..still a very new bird posted to my unit with my ord date a far distant dot at aug 2004..the old birds had a great time cajoling us to drink..I remembered my best buddy in the unit(a fellow new bird) also got really drunk that nite..I puked all over the toilet floor even b4 I was able to reach the toilet bowl..downing cans of tiger after tiger in a relatively short time got me that reward..haha..but I will never forget the chat I had with my best buddy in ns who sleep beside me..he was spluttering nonsense and I was also talking crap..yet..that closeness in adversity and that nite brought us closer during ns..

I started appreciating alcohol or rather some alcoholic drinks when I entered nus..because of my ps clique in particular, Hong to be exact..heineken is his favorite beer and hanging out a lot for 2 yrs whereby heineken was becoming more and more of a norm in our leisure made me appreciate heineken better..from sipping slowly in my bottle of heineken and finishing 1 bottle while he starts on his 3rd bottle to drinking at around the same speed though definitely not volume. I must say, the bitter taste of heineken is actually bittersweet, refreshing and gives you that desired high feeling in the end.

The goodness of alcohol is amplified in my beijing trip with Hong...sipping Singapore Sling(yah..go Beijing drink Singapore Sling..winner) at the pub in our hotel..and of course that life-saving(haha) bottle of alcohol he had on the day where the temperature was freezing cold with really strong frequent gust of wind and we were waiting for his family friend in an open carpark to pick us up. Freezing, clattering and sounding oh-so-stupid, the bottle of alcohol tasted really sweet, it gave us such a warm feeling through the body and we could only savour it through sips because it was finishing..that was such an experience. Of course, how can I forget the drinking at the really classy pub that oversee the sea at kowloon in hk..

Besides liking heineken a lot..my next favorite alcoholic drink must be chocolate mint baileys..my first contact with it came surprisingly at mindef nexus chalet sometime last yr..when I first tasted it..I thought it was chocolate milkshake just that its even better than that..practically going to get high on something that taste really good and not at all unappealing like vodka,tequilla or chivas(never really like hard liquor)..I cannot forget how much relaxation a small glass of baileys brings you after working through the nite and finishing your essays right on the dot of deadlines or after a long gruelling mugging session. Hmm..better get my baileys from Hong soon..assignments coming in..

I need to stress that I drink alcohol in moderation though..most of the time anyway..I try my best not to get drunk unless I am really depressed and needed a form of release(doesn't happen that often). Alcohol when consumed in large quantity can actually be a depressant, the puking, the hangover the next day..its just not worth it..unless you are actually looking for more pain to override the pain that you are feeling..but at the end of the day..the pain will disappear and the problem is still there. However, the release function of alcohol does help at times..it help you to be able to just enjoy yourself and put your troubles n problems away for that moment..a sense of release like no others..and I do need a break from time to time.

* Had two bottles of heineken just now while playing pool with Hong, Lulu and Eveleen,it feels good to be able to get her off my mind for that few hours, I need to have fun and stay happy. Shall turn to jogging and readings(there's at least 200pages of readings for this opening week of my honours yr mod,can you believe it?!) when I wake up from my sleep later.

I learnt something(s) new tonite.

I learnt something(s) new tonite

William Blake was too idealistic. Childlike innocence only exist in kids not in adults.

Humans are by nature selfish..to believe in the possibility of altruistic love is acting against your nature and only bring you hurt and pain.

The experience of free-fall in emotions felt is a jarring sensation that makes a person more numb than hurt.

There's only so much hurt that the heart can take before it start to feel the need to reject more hurt.

There's a fine line between false hope and hope and the distinction matters.

The most important thing in life is to be happy, everything else should stay secondary.

Your closest friend(s) can not only see things clearer but is(are) an indispensible pillar(s) of emotional support.

Pain and hurt can actually be comforting.



A new year, a new semester, a new hope and a new challenge. Looking forward to a happier 2007.

* I am feeling numb..and this must be a good sign.

On the eve of a new semester.

School starts tomorrow..and I have a 10am lesson..>.<..that means I can't sleep at my usual timing of 6plus,7am tonite, but I am actually really excited about the start of a new semester. My first class honours dream are realistically over..though not mathematically impossible yet..and I will not give up until it is really mathematically impossible. I do feel a huge load off my shoulders though and I am looking forward to the start of school.

To me, school have a two-tiered meaning. The first tier is that school is a battlefield. Readings,presentations,midterm tests,essays,exams..they are all challenges that one have to overcome. The satisfaction from a job well-done and the agony of a lost battle..my obsession with my dream have magnified the meaning of school as a battlefield to me for the past few semesters, however, this semester on, its more like give it your best shot and see how it goes.

The second tier is the fact that school is a playground. You go to school, interact with friends, laugh at lectures, skip lessons, relax at the dungeon and of course go out for drinks and stuff at the end of a long day in school. This semester is also the last semester whereby this playground will be filled with lots of familiar laughter,jokes and company. My PS clique will be graduating this semester le..the thought of going to school and not hanging out with Zheyuan, Heyi and Meiling and not see familiar smoking buddies like Hongtat after this semester just feel weird. Luckily, Hong is graduating next semester and not this sem. Sure, I have other close friends in school too..but not seeing them around after this sem just seems weird and a tad sad...sighz. Yup, so I must enjoy this semester to the fullest. :)

I can't wait for school to start!!! lol..

Christianity and me...

I went to church today..to be exact..a church service today..the last time I went for a church service was back in secondary 3(not to mentioned the christmas celebration by city harvest in jc)..this decision was probably taken because of the uncertainties and rollercoaster time that I am experiencing at the moment...

I thought I was ready..ready for God's intervention, ready to believe that some omnipotent,omnipresent,omniscient Lord would open my heart, give me comfort and lead me out of my misery..I was wrong..I am not ready to embrace God..there's still too many rational doubts in my mind..and I was not able to contemplate adopting the Christian values and the Christian way of life.

I wanted to go to the service with an open mind and an open heart..instead my defence mechanism came up..guarded, nervous, uncomfortable throughout the whole service..despite the best efforts of my nice friends who tried their best to make me feel at home..I can sense my unease at the service..its weird..only after the service..did I resume my normal self....maybe that's because of my own experiences with christianity over the years...

You know what's the ironic part...I do turn to christian songs and even the bible when I'm really down...

reality check~

Happiness..what a transient and often elusive feeling when it comes to love..I felt geniune, irrational happiness for 3 full days with regards to her..and I am so contented. Contented but afraid at the same time. Its true..happiness in this form is often illusory and can be gone as fast as they come. I guess she was right to give me a reality check by telling me to not like her too much..becos she's still unstable and need time to recover...

What a bittersweet feeling..I appreciate her concern..n yet the irrational feeling of happiness gets dissipated in an instance...when I look back at my past..I have never ever been so irrational before...this is the first time I am so irrational..hopelessly indulging in the feeling of liking her..yet..I need to keep telling myself to take reality checks now n then..

Can anyone tell me how to be rational when you made a decision to do the irrational thing to follow your heart? But..it is necessary, I guess..because the more happiness felt in this uncertain stage, the closer I get to her, the more hurt that I might received in the end and the deeper I might sink. Sighz..

Keeping a certain distance seems to be a right option..maybe I shouldn't ask her out so soon..maybe I need to not initiate contact as and when my heart wants me to..maybe the feeling for her might fade away with such self-restraint..maybe I will become a life buoy again..maybe there's a happy ending..

With so many uncertainties ahead, I am so tempted to just live for the moment and don't give much thought to the eventual outcome..soaking myself in the happiness and sweetness that comes along the way...

But in order to just be around in her life again..I need many reality checks now n then..I cannot allow myself to sink too deeply and then suddenly request a total break..I like the fact that when she's happy, I'm really happy..

*In life, there's always a need for reality checks..living for the moment more often than not can be counterproductive.

On a separate note

Another round of battle lies in the horizon, the battered and bruised warlord is again sensing blood and this time round is ready to win every battles thrown in his path.Let the war begins for that's when the bloodthirsty warlord gets his mundane satisfaction again.

Happy~

4 months..I went through 4 months of not hearing her voice..n today..I finally got to hear her voice..I am really really happy...

Today(1/Jan/2007) was always going to be eventful and fun with me spending the start of this new year with my ex-collegues from nexus. It just feels good to be able to still meet them now n then for gatherings and stuff. I guess one of the best things that happened to me in 2006 would be the internship that I had with Mindef-Nexus. Besides the intellectually stimulating projects,the intimidating meetings(internal and external), the really slow dial-up connection, I guess what really made my internship so memorable must be my collegues and my SIP project presentation groupmates. Its just so gratifying that I really enjoy the company of my collegues, felt relatively at home and had fun at the party today.

But what made this party really special for me is the fact that she replied my sms with an unexpected call..and I had the best two hour phone chat ever and words just can't describe the feeling that I felt. It was just so nice to hear her voice again,the chemistry, the laughter and the closeness was surreal to say the least..

Its just so good to hear her laughter again..and it feels even better to know that its me who made her laugh..the feeling is just so sweet..when happiness is felt in its totality and not in the flawed state of happily sad..the feeling is just amazing..

Feel like writing more..but then..somehow..the words in my head now is just happy,happy happy,happy..haha..

Following my heart...

She broke up with her bf.
She wants me in her life.
I don't want to move on.
I added her back on msn.
I want to hear her voice again.
I'm going to meet her sometime soon.
Can I be more irrational?


I have decided. I have given up on the thought of moving on le..at least for now. I never wanted to move on anyway..its just that it was the rational/necessary thing. Perhaps, its still the 'right' thing to do..but I'm not going to do it..

I like her...a lot...and she needs a strong emotional support system for this period..so my heart says there's only one choice here..be there for her..you want to...Of course,I'm not that selfless...she gave me that glimmer of hope again..and I just need that bit of hope to sustain me...perhaps I'm really silly...but I want to believe and try for this last time.

I don't want to be a rebound...I won't be pushing for anything..I don't even think I'm expecting anything(I really will love to be together with her..but I'm not expecting that to happen)..I'm just going to be there for her..That's the plan for now at least..until perhaps..it gets unbearable..but I'm actually surprised at the amount of pain I can take..I'm surprised at my staying power..I'm surprised at how much joy I feel when she's happy...and how much pain I feel when she's sad...

I guess this rollercoaster ride is going to go on for a long long while...shall brace myself for the ride...and try my best to not sink too deeply..as I have found out..Hurt has a bottomless pit..you can never be too hurt...

My e-mail to my prof.

I don't usually do this..but I am damn pissed now...so I shall publish my e-mail (with the elimination of some sensitive details) sent to my prof in regards to my pathetic grade that I got for his module..I believe I have a strong case for a review..

Hi Sir,

I am Pang Yan Wei, Political Science Major Year 3. I am very disappointed at the grade(B-) that I got for your module PS(code name) (title of module) which I took last semester and I found it necessary to e-mail you to try to understand the reasons for my appalling final grade for this module. I believe my CA which comprised 40percent of the assessment for this module was either an A- or an A considering that I have gotten an A grade for the 20percent essay assignment, an A- for the 5percent test, attended all four tutorials and did a relatively ok if not impressive presentation. I understand that the bell curve for this module is understandably high with the high grades awarded both for the essay assignment and the test for most of the students. However, I do not think I performed badly for the final exam as I actually found the final exam easy and this was actually my most confident module. Though I know that quantity does not represent quality, I would like to mention that I actually used two booklets for this paper and tackled the questions with gusto and confidence.If I did not remember wrongly, I actually started my last question on the second booklet.

I have also been a conscientious and hardworking student in NUS where the B- grade that I attained for your module was the worst ever grade that I have ever been awarded in NUS so far.This is also the first time I ever received a B- grade for any module that I have taken, I must express my utter disbelief and disappointment at this final grade awarded to me upon this module. Furthermore, I have shown consistent performance in all my Political Science modules that I have taken so far. My PS Major cap score for ten modules(excluding your module) taken so far in NUS is 4.1 and besides PS2237 Introduction to International Relations which I attained a B grade,I have been consistently attaining B+s and A-s for all my other PS modules.

I hope that my e-mail to you did not (sound,* typo in original e-mail) rude or disrespectful and I offer my sincere apologies if this e-mail had offended you in any way. Though I am not in the position to question your assessment or even ask you for any explanation or clarification for my final grade in this module, I hope that you will consider my case for this grade to be reviewed. I will be submitting the application for the review of the examination result for this module through the proper channels in the next few days. However, I understand that there will not be any remarking of the examination scripts through this process and I will also not be given an opportunity to look at my examination scripts. Though I hope that there is a possible mistake in the calculation of the marks for this module, I know that there is only a slim chance of that happening. I will love to have the opportunity to meet you in person to discuss upon this issue if you are free over the next few days(except friday afternoon where I have an appointment with my mentor from MCYS Feedback Unit).

Thanks for the time and effort in reading this e-mail. Hope to hear from you soon.

With regards,
Yanwei

Sighz..in instances like this, I can only lament about the closed and rigid system of examination review that NUS operates by..why can't we be given as much transparency as overseas universities?! For instance, my friend Li Wei who studies in University of Melbourne told me that in his university, its a common practise and norm to let the students view the examination scripts. Everything is kept transparent and this should be the right way about it.

I am not going to publish my Prof's reply to me as I believe that this is not right as his correspondance to me should be kept private and to my knowledge..I just hope he will provide me with an explanation as to why I got this pathetic appalling grade and also that through the opaque examination review system(I still have to pay 10 dollars,damn it) get the grade that I deserved.

I don't like the fact that my first class honours dream is ended this way by a rude surprise and coupled with the unprofessional examination leak by NUS a couple of weeks ago(that gave me pyschological discomfort), I am appalled by the unprofessionalism shown by a supposedly world class institution.

I have finally done it...

Still having a bit of hangover from the consumption of alcohol at the Christmas eve party last nite..last nite her sms-es prompted me to drink more..she thanked me for the presents,said she was really touched and didn't expect it..but shouldn't say too much..n ten minutes ago she sms-ed me to tell me my presents were meaningful n thoughtful and that she will fufill my Christmas wish..that is to use the journal as her diary(I sms-ed her this while heavily intoxicated, I'm kinda a loser ain't I,sighz..but I really wish I could still share her deepest thoughts n worries n be there..since I can't do that..its really comforting to me that she will use the journal as her diary)..

Guess what's my reply(perhaps the last or the last few) to her polite thank you sms, I replied, ' =) okie, dun think I will hear from u anymore,so yup, take care.' I sound mean and if I follow my heart..I will never say something like that..but I do need to face up to reality..I do not want to wallow in saddness anymore..I do not want to sink deeper and deeper..I have decided not to dig my own grave le..n I think she also wants me to get her out of my system..its for my own good..

She's right..sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind..if only she was cruel enough at the start of september where my recovery process should have started and I been strong enough to not fall back into a relapse and actually grew more dependent on her for emotional support here n then..I might have already had recovered.

However, I don't hold any regrets..just that I'm finally tired of been silly and its really better to move on le. I have finally done it..I have finally deleted n blocked her on msn..there will no longer be any temptation to talk to her online or feel the need to ask her about her mood swings n stuff..because what you can't see won't affect you..

It hurts..almost as much as writing her Christmas card and trying to sound chirpy..but this time round..I did the right thing...I am finally going to move on..

I got my jog! heh~

5am..Its cold..the rain had finally stopped. Looking at the sky,the time and my empty cigarette box, I thought to myself,'what the hell, I shall go for my jog!' and I went...

The cold breeze pierced the skin, the wet floors had a glossy shine,the raindrops fell gently upon my tired self, the weird stares spoke a common language, this was a jog that I would never forget.

An easing of the mind, a release of pent up emotions and a punishment upon the body made the jog worth the hassle.

At the break of dawn, in my hazy sanctuary,it is time to sleep. Tommorow will be a better day.

when was the last time my heart aches so much?

When was the last time my heart aches so much? I wonder...it just sucks isn't it..life shouldn't be like that..yet I know my heart will ache even more when I write her christmas card tmr..She screwed my mind again..hopefully for the final time..really hopefully...I mean..sighz..its really bad timing to suddenly msn me to say we have to talk n stuff the nite after I bought her christmas presents..must she be so cruel to me..must heaven plays such stunts on me..some of her words just pierced my heart...I guess she finally grew tired of fishing n decided its time to let this fish go into the ocean..I guess she thinks that its better to hurt the fish badly n expect him to survive alone..she makes it pretty clear that she wants me out of her life..she can be so cruel...so cruel to make me dread talking to her...

Ok..I shall bear with my heartache n just be dumb for one last time. I will try to write how I feel on the christmas card conveying as little pain that I'm feeling as possible. I will also be nice n angelic enough to make sure that I don't linger around in her life since she wants me to disappear..

* My closest friends,pls remind me to block n delete her from my msn list by 1 jan 2007. I will try to cope with the 500 over sms-es n her pictures in my hp another time..Its going to be over soon...it is...

Let me be silly but happy for this christmas..I'm going to get really drunk on christmas eve..yay...n perhaps for the last time be replying to her sms-es either on christmas eve or christmas...

Somehow....I still want her to be happy..somehow..I still miss her laughs,her blushes,her smiles, her voice..somehow..I guess she will always be special to me...but somehow..the dream is ending...finally ending..though I dun want it to end..I have no choice...its over...dude..its over..face it..dude..face it..face it whether u like it or not...be a man..

This is the last time I will ever be so dumb again. Mark my words..She will be the one n only gal that I am so dumb to...

Friends~

I finally met up with Li Wei today. So happy..haha..one of my close clique of friends whom I know since sec 3..we had so many fun times in the past..(we are not gays,k). The feeling's just so magical because I had expected there to be a distance becos we haven't seen each other since 2004..where that idiot went off to australia to study without notifying..#%&^*..oh well..I'm so glad that despite different life experiences n stuff,we managed to click like old times and just talk about anything and everything..I laughed so much today..haha

Ok..besides appreciating my friends more..I realised that I ain't that anti-social these days..I am starting to feel that I am socializing more and actually enjoy knowing new pple..one instance will be yesterday where I met Shuyi and her cell group mates..I feel so at ease with talking and knowing her cell group mates(some whom I saw and talked to b4,some new faces.) Perhaps its becos they really tried their best to make me feel at home and also becos Shuyi is just so sweet that I totally feel good hanging out around her...

Oh well..friends must be one of the best gifts in life. :) Though sometimes one is bound to drift apart and even lose some friends in life..but the ones whom u hold close to your heart will often always be there for you and the ones whom u lost will still leave great memories behind.

a thought provoking dim sum buffet~

I had dim sum buffet with Hardy today and we had a nice lengthy chat. My mind is still in a whirlwind since the buffet. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about some points in the conversation over dim sum....sometimes, it does take a close friend(more than 10years of friendship) to bring a different perspective to your already well-framed mindset.

1. In the conversation, I realised how unreceptive my mind is to ideals and principles that are opposite to mine, I do need to open up my mind a lot more and be more receptive to alternative viewpoints.

2. With regards to my career goals in life,it seems an inevitable reality that the next step in life after completing my university education is the civil service. Be it, the Singapore Administrative Service(if I get my first class honours) or the Ministry of Foreign Affairs(my dream) or other branches such as MHA-ISD,PMO-NSCS or MINDEF-SID,it just seems to be so natural to me. I feel that the civil service will not only reward my hard work in the academic realm but also provides me with a conducive environment to apply my skills and perhaps knowledge learnt in my training as a political scientist. I am sure that I will be able to lead a comfortable life with the civil service. But its unlikely that I will be really rich if I stay in the civil service. Somehow, my chat with Hardy always makes me ponder. I will never forget what he said to me when I told him I will be satisfied with 7-8k per month in the future. He said,'Hey,why are you aiming for so little?' Of course, Hardy didn't mean to be offensive, its just that to him, the sky's the limit and to aim to buy a boeing plane(64million dollars) and setting up businesses and exploring ways to earn money(whether through stocks or other investment plans) just seems so natural to him.

I seriously believe that Hardy will be able to buy a boeing plane one day,just like with my best friend Andrew,they just seems to be able to reach for the sky while I am contented to be just gazing from the earth,looking with envy at their achievement. Not jealous(hopefully) but envious. I'm starting to wonder whether I will be contented with the career/life plans that I have drawn up for my life ahead...hmm...guess at the end of the day,I am a pragmatic realist who likes his comfort zone a lot. Success is always a relative term and I guess people's definition of success and life goals will change as they grow older..I just hope that I will stay contented with my achievements in life.

3. In terms of the touchy issue about love and relationship,I think the most important lesson that Hardy tried to teach me today is to have control. Control over your emotions, control over the irrational thoughts and feelings. Some pointers that Hardy mentioned that got me thinking.

a. A gal doesn't need a girlfriend. It won't mean a thing for you to be the one she turn to when she's down n all for comforting words..a gal needs a leader and someone she can depend on.(I think its better to find a balance? I'm not sure..think I can be too nice for my own gd..haha)
b. Commitment and honesty are the fundamental principles for a relationship to work.(hmm..commitment yes..but complete honesty? I still think a white lie now and then is beneficial.)

Hmm...I guess I will still be thinking and pondering over the stuff that was discussed today for a long time to come...I don't think I will come to concrete conclusions about anything anytime soon..

mood swing

Its bad..I can't help it..the moment I know she's a bit down..I feel down too..I so want to just call her to tell her its ok..I will be there for you n stuff..I so want to be the first one to know her problems..I just want to make sure she's happy n stuff..but I cant do that..only via the most useless kind of technology, the sms that I can show my concern..I feel helpless...

Why is my mood so overly reliant on her when it has been so long..? Why is she the person that I turned to immediately when I'm feeling very down after my uncle's wake and feeling all so guilty when I can't attend the rest of his wake because I got 2 papers that I really need time for..n she hits all the right chords and making me feel so much better n focused for my exams..

When she sms-ed me something like,'you are the last person I had ignore'..its sweet and painful all at the same time..I can't tell her likewise..becos I hope one day I can wake up and ignore her or at least just show concern as a friend..

I guess the cliche,'time can heals all wounds' is crap..noone can help you if you don't want to help yourself.Wake up,Yanwei.

a ceasefire or the end..?

My exams finished yesterday. The poignant feeling of emptiness override the euphoria of freedom..the sweet feeling of freedom is slowly sinking in. Yet this feeling is laced with apprehension about the results of this round of battle. Did I suffer a knockout blow in this round and thus my war has effectively ended or is it just a ceasefire at the 43rd parallel? I certainly hope its the latter..but I do not dare to expect that it would be the latter.

As a very pragmatic and realistic student,I have to admit the fact that I am going to suffer either a minor setback or a total loss in this round of battle. Oh well, I shall just wait for the results to come bah..no pt. thinking abt. it.

Post-exam withdrawal syndromes-
Cutting down on nicotine intake(smoke like nobody's business during this exam period)

Resuming jogging n perhaps even gym-ing routines(need to shed the extra weight put on through the suppers that accompanied all the overnite mugging sessions)

Adjusting myself to a limit in contact with her again.(her exams n my exams gave me n perhaps her plenty of reasons to encourage n spur each other on..I really appreciate the support from her that never fails to pull me up during the exam period..sighz..overreliance on her is not an option..yet...I'm actually looking forward to shopping for her christmas present.)


I think I am going to miss her more during this holiday period given that my focus on the battle is over. Gotta find something to occupy my mind again..apparently alcohol don't appeal so much to me..at least for now..didn't really feel gd abt. the drinking session yesterday..heineken got me down instead of up?! sianz..maybe its the lack of sleep..got one more potluck/drinking session coming up this friday..shall review my inclination towards alcohol after friday..I hate the feeling of getting drunk unless I'm damn sad..

I am the Hierophant

I am the Hierophant(whatever that is,haha). Just like the part on Guardian Angel. As many friends of mine know by now that I have a special liking for the label of angel,haha. Oh well,I'm angelic..lol.

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You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
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I'm an owl.

I'm an owl,in fact sometimes, I feel I'm a vampire..most active at night and quite lethargic in the afternoon..for the past week..I have slept mostly at the break of dawn,6 plus am or slightly earlier but today, I finally went beyond..typing this blog entry at 8.40am, I am finally feeling tired,going to sleep b4 9am..pretty satisfied with the mugging done today..finally met the optimal level of mugging required in this code red period..must maintain this later when I wake up.

I'm actually in gd mood today,knowing that she finished her exams and thus going to enjoy her holidays have quite an uplifting feeling on me..furthermore..had a really happy 1 hour chat with her just now..and listening to the 2 songs she sent to me via e-mail now..I don't understand why..I really like the songs she like..its weird..is it because she have gd taste in music or is it becos I like her..oh well..at least I'm happy.

A friend mention that flirting is a game and make a brillant analogy with fishing..and that sets my mind going..why am I so willing to be a fish..perhaps..when you really like someone..you lose that bit of rational thinking and sometimes just indulge senselessly in the sweet feeling that only her can bring. I know one day, I have to wake up..but let me be a willing and hopefully happy fish for the moment.I will never allow myself to be a fish to another person again..I think I am learning a lot from this experience...and I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes again(may commit totally opposite ones but definitely not the same ones.)

* Will a fish ever become a fisherman? Unlikely but you never know.

life is so unfair!!~

Manchester United lost to Celtic!!!! Damn it...we fucking dominated the whole freaking match n yet we lost..we even missed a freaking penalty at the end..can someone just kill me..arraggz.....I have not felt so down for such a freaking long time..crappy match...damn it..this bodes ill for chelsea match on sunday...God,pls,PLS bless Man U..I do not want to face any more heartbreak this week...I am freaking pissed, fucking down,pathetically resigned to Manchester United's failure.

Life is just unfair...so what if you treat a person with all your heart..you are still going to be treated as a substitute, as a spare tyre..great..I have been waking up to her sms for like 3 days in a row..I should rejoice, shouldn't I..haha..yah rite..its only becos her bf went overseas for army exercise that she's doing it..oh well...oh..b4 that we have been in contact every other day...yay..so what? she sms me as and when she feel like it, as and when she need it..n me..been the foolish me takes on this considerate self to not tell her i miss her..to not sms her when i want to..haha..yes..life is good isnt it..life is so fantastic..everything happens for a reason..yay..rejoice..woohoo..I just love myself for allowing myself to get all hurt over a person who couldn't care less about me..ok..maybe she does care...but definitely not a lot..

Oh..of cos..to top it off..exam stress..I realised how stressed and lost I was under this mountain load of readings I have only through an exchange of sms...

Min Li sms-ed me, 'Eh.who were the founding fathers? washington, thomas jefferson,james madison, who else?'

Me,'Abraham Lincoln?'

Oh..for goodness sake..what a stupid mistake..Lincoln is a key figure in the American Civil War not the American battle for independence against England...damn..Must be a reflex answer as I was lost in the world of the Civil War reading..when I saw her sms...sighz..its pretty funny at first..but on deeper reflection...yanwei, you better freaking buck up...

Ok..feels so much better after ranting..I can sense that my liking for her is slowly eroded by the persistent ongoing hurt that my heart is suffering...my heart aches so much for the Red Devils now..

* God,pls bless Manchester United to beat Chelsea this sunday and guide me on the path of recovery....

A short fleeting dream..

I dreamt of her just now during my nap..despite the nap been 2 hours..the dream I must say only lasted 1/2 an hour..b4 anyone start thinking off track..it was nothing sexual..sighz...the dream was so beautiful..transplanting my sorrow in real life with her to end with a hug with her that symbolizes hope..sighz..the ironic thing..during the hug itself..I already knew that I was dreaming..my rational self creeped in to tell me that this is not logical..yet I immersed myself fully into it..sighz..

Dreams are so beautiful because they are unlikely to come true.

Ironic that I dreamt of her on the day that I decided to leave matters of the heart alone for the moment to rush my assignment due tommorow..I guess my brain lost to my heart again..as usual..

I have lost enough battles this sem in my war...I am already waking up and ready to put my all in this war(academic goal), but is it too late? Losing the battles this sem is so justified and losing the war seems to be an inevitable fact..sighz..Shall die gloriously after this last push bah..

Will the reenactment of the defence of Stalingrad happens in my case or will I finally meet my waterloo this sem..we shall see.

Thoughts..

Love expects no rewards.

Is she just craving for attention and that's why she still messages me so that she can satisfy that crave? Is she a player? Does she really still need me around? Am I just a spare tyre to her? I hate to say this..but right now, the answers to all that really doesn't matter...the bottom line is I need her..at least..for the moment..

I miss her voice.
I miss her laughters.
I miss her blushes.
I miss her.

Am I in love? I certainly hope not..I want to think of myself as liking her a lot...She brought me so much laughter, joy, sweetness, warmth and perhaps even the feeling of love but why are all that always conditioned with disappointment, sorrow, agony, helplessness and the painful feeling of missing her...

I am happily sad? Am I...or am I just crazy? Or are all the feelings felt now just a fleeting mirage that will clear up with time..

I don't know..I know I need a reality check..with her though..after every reality check..I sink back to the situation b4 the reality check...I guess the most I can do is to limit the hurt and the thing I want most is to know that she's happy and perhaps one day able to hear her laugh n see her blush again..

*Love expects no rewards, is that too idealistic? I wonder...

a lazy sat..

Caught up with much needed sleep..10.30pm(fri) to 12.30noon(sat),then 4.30 to 6.30pm for a nap..the weather was just too tempting..watched Superman Return vcd from 7 plus to 10pm,jogging at 12midnite, 1am watch soccer..amidst all the intervals was online slacking..ok..I 'wasted' another day..but hey..a chinese saying goes, 'resting is to prepare one for walking the longer path'..I vow to study really hard tmr.

Ups and downs, Ups and downs, happy,unhappy,joys,sorrows,they keep coming one after another..making me just tired....

Sighz..friday,saturday,sunday sometimes sucks..becos I know she will be spending much of these days with her bf..which means she won't feel the need to sms/msn me..its always on these days that reality sinks in and I feel like I'm just a spare tyre..

*Noone is indispensible in this world, but I hate the thought that I am dispensible to her. Sighz..

I have fallen in love with this song~

I have fallen in love with this song..

THE ONE YOU LOVE
Glenn Frey, Jack Tempchin

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to
Who will understand what you're going through
When it comes to love, there's no easy answer
Only you can say what you're gonna do
I heard you on the phone, you took his number
Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon
Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?
Isn't he the one who made you blue?
When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gona say when he comes over?
There's no easy way to see this through
All the broken dreams, all the disappointment
Oh girl, what you gonna do?
Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair
But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

a lousy nite

6am..Manchester United got beaten by Southend...just witnessed a giantkilling act on my beloved team..sighz..kudos to the underdogs..arraggz..it never pains me to watch the Red Devils lose...

Lailin said to me, 'Just don't peg your moods to her.' Yah,I need to do that..but could anyone explain to me the joy felt in knowing that she did well in her favorite presentation today? How do one explain the depressing feeling of just wanting to chat more with her when she's online n feel an imagined or real sense of coldness because she's bz doing her other stuff..sighz..I do miss her..I yearn to hear her voice..I could call her..but no..I'm not going to do that..what for..? Trying to keep a distance from her is my way of minimizing hurt..Perhaps..the best way is to sink myself into the seemingly never-ending papers that I have to hand in..and then the exams...

* I wish I can watch the sunrise with her...

Another battle lost in the war~

I completed my ethnicity n religion essay 2 hours ago,40minutes b4 submission time and send it over to my friend to hand in for me since he had to hand in the same essay and he reached ps dept at 5.12pm and to his horror, the pigeon hole was already empty and the prof wasn't in his office. 12 mins late and if the prof is going to penalize me for that, he's going to be number 1 on my hate list. Sighz..the thing is he's a pretty particular prof that he can be quite anal at times..true..its my fault that the submission was late but for 12 mins..darn..

Anyway, the essay was not a masterpiece, nothing to be proud of, failed to match my expectations so even without the possible penalty, it was not going to be an A grade essay..sighz..another battle lost in the war for a first class honours. Because of my slip-ups in the first half of the sem, there's already no margin for error and yet, I failed to manage my time well enough to do justice to my work. I hate it when I know I lost the battle because of my own efforts..

Fighting a losing war,losing another battle in the war, is the war a foregone conclusion with the battles already lost so far? Needing to take the day off and pick myself up for the battles that are looming ahead. I will not give up until the war is lost. As long as there is a slim chance of winning the war, I will march on.

* Dreams may be dreams, but I'm still dreaming of doing my PHD in Harvard, Cambridge or Oxford and the minimum criteria for that dream-a first class honours.

destressed

Its so amazing how she make me feel destressed...i was so stressed b4 i chatted with her online..but she made me feel so much better..perhaps its the brackets that she uses..perhaps its her writing style..perhaps its becos she's a pyschology major..but i think ultimately its becos its her..its just her..she's my drug...for now...

I miss the days when I am a boy...

I miss the days when I can indulge myself in the world of dragonball cards and comics and forget about the whole world.
I miss the days when I play basketball and soccer almost everyday and not worry about what that might do to my studies(except for my favorite subject,history).
I miss the days when I,my best friend Andrew and Hardy will just hang around in school laughing,joking,playing pespsi cola 1-2-3,using stone as soccer ball and dreading arts n craft n technical lessons(ok,I'm the only one who dreaded both lessons. >.<)
I miss the days when gals are the least important thing in life and having fun is the most important thing in life.
I miss the days when I can joke about Andrew's sexy mole and think that's a polite thing to do.(gone are those days,there's only the sexy scar left)
I miss the days when completing games like romance of 3 kingdoms and super mario brothers are the most important and pressing things on my mind.
I miss the days when Eric Cantona and Michael Jordan reign supreme and I idolize them like they really are God.
I miss the days when I can be a crybaby and cry freely when I'm sad and don't have to control my emotions.
I miss the days when I am a boy...

i won't let history repeat itself..i hope

Smsed her in the morning to wish her gd morning..saw her online just now..chatted with her for like 1 plus hours..we didn't flirt like last time..I just wanted to know how she is..n joked a bit with her..it was all well..until she probed into how I am..I wanted to be mean n say, 'shall keep u guessing then'..after saying this..my heart actually ached..n i typed 'i'm ok'..then she probed into what's ok..subjective,doesnt say much n stuff..so i told her,'i'm recovering'..then behold..the magic of computer failures- my com auto restart..haha..perfect timing..came online again..n i just clarified my position that I am not holding any illusions,won't revert back to the past and sighz..just wanted to talk to her as a friend..sighz..

I can't bear to tell her I'm still not over her..my heart still hurts..I still can't forget her..I am certainly on the road of recovery though..I just needed that short relief perhaps? I hope this won't bring me back to square one..it won't bah..I mean...I can still somehow care as a friend rite..as long as I am able to recover..I can still care even in a limited way right..I wish I can be the one to tide her over her bad moods instantly..but I can't do that..I just hope to share some of her problems sometimes..I know right now, at this stage, I will still be there for her no matter what..but I can't tell her that..becos I dun want to be a life buoy..yet I want to care..with minimal hurt..caring for her is actually what I desire most..n its like a drug to curb my feeling of missing her..I just hope that I won't abuse this drug..becos this drug is subjected to a total break of supply as long as she feel like it..eventually..I hope and I know(I KNOW!!!..gotta drill this in my mind) that I can live without this drug..I can don't miss her in this sense anymore..n perhaps..care for her as a friend..becos she's special..she really is..I don't understand why I like her so much but it doesn't matter why..what matters is..I can't have her..so SIGHZ...so..

I won't let history repeat itself.
I rather get obsessed with my dream of a first class.
I want to recover.

her msn nick.

seeking-solace-in-a-mad-world

Is she ok? How I wish I can just go and ask her..? Have been pondering over how she is since I saw her nick in the afternoon..first time I saw her online for like 2 plus weeks..

I wish I know how she is..I hope she's doing well or at least coping..if only we are still friends..if only I didn't want to wake up...if only..

...........

A hazy night,
A forlorn man,
A passing thought,
A broken heart.

Departed

I watched the movie Departed just now,its a remake of the immensely succesful HK movie Infernal Affairs and like all remakes..it just can't beat the original..one comment by my friend really struck me..the incredulous tone that my friend said to another friend who didn't watch the original movie," the plot was adopted from a chinese scriptwriter,k"..I can sense the pride yet this pride is built(from my beliefs) on the subconscious acknowledgement that Asian movies, HK,Japanese or even Bollywood still have some way to go before matching Hollywood's standards. I hate to admit it but having been fed the American culture since I was young, this 'white man's superiority' in the soft power sense does exist..however..we seriously need to break out of this pseudo belief, there are really a lot of good Asian movies, Brotherhood and My Sassy Gal/Windstruck are among my favorite movies and they are Korean movies, Be with Me,a local movie also stole some of my tears..

Anyway,back to the movie,despite some superficial changes,the storyline remains to a large extent similar to the original,however..there's a subplot that made me really uncomfortable with the movie, the Hollywood version depicted Matt Damon's girlfriend as cheating on him(despite loving him at the same time) and actually had a 'relationship'(sex included of cos) with Leo. When Leo went to find the girlfriend for comfort at some stage in the show, the girlfriend actually told Leo, "I'm sorry,but I can't be your friend again." @#$^*#@..The girlfriend's actions,the cheating on Matt turns me off to the core..the thought of seeing someone cheating on the person she love really sucks to the core. How could she be so fucking selfish..yah yah..sell me the crap that one can't help but develop feelings for another even when loving someone else..with a bit of self control..the feelings would not lead to the cheating lah..sighz..

Sometimes, I wonder is it inevitable that lust will overpower love at some stage in life? Do I have to admit that love can conquer all,a theory I guard so jealously is just a figment of senseless fairytale-like belief? I don't know..maybe I'm naive,maybe I'm idealistic but I prefer to keep this small part of me intact..

history

Those who remember the past are condemned to make the opposite mistakes."
-Santayana

Why does his maxim sounds so applicable to me? I will remember the opposite mistakes I made in the months that flew by so as to not commit them again..

2 weeks has flown past with no contact with her...
Its really over...?
Rejected the opportunity to attend a gd friend's surprise b'day celebration in early nov. becos I don't want to see her..right decision?
Yet,I'm still thinking about what christmas present to buy for her..stupid. :0
Sighz..bouts of missing her like that in intervals like this must stop soon..
Getting tired...really tired..

"Religion is the opiate of the masses"
- Marx

Have been listening to christian songs frequently these days..its weird that these songs can actually provide me with peace..sighz..so tempted to buy a bible..I can't find mine(a gift from my ex) :(...Maybe at this vulnerable stage..one do need some supernatural help...I'm not a christian..yet in the past..I have turned to my bible for help..always said the bible is a good self-help book..doubting whether it is really just a self help book..or is God reaching out to me, offering words of comfort where I really need it..sighz..

Its 5am..the break of dawn will be approaching soon..yet..my mind is filled with her words-'The darkening sky is so beautiful', her describing the sunset, which my reply was 'Yah,its a pity that sunsets are beautiful yet short'..

The sun has set and the darkness creeps in,a nite with no moon,a dead city,a troubled soul awaiting painfully for the break of dawn again..

what a week!~

I like to blog when I am on a high from alcohol..yet not drunk to feel miserable..
I just got back home from a chalet with my ex-collegues from mindef nexus,psd dept..they are a really happening lot..I'm so glad that in my first real working experience..I get to know such a great bunch of happening n fun pple that I can click so freely with..had lots of fun with the bbq,card games and of cos the various varieties of alcohol..we were even drinking b4 we left the chalet!~ Hope to see you all soon at colin's farewell ord dinner at wala wala or something :)

A hectic and happening week indeed..the pubbing on tuesday which actually made me feel worse n miss her more n then the mcys feedback unit's 21st anniversary dinner at pan pacific hotel. REACH is the feedback unit's new name!! lol..anyway..the dinner was pretty fun..an eye opener in many ways,the political speech,the hierchical seating..the media..etc etc..won't elaborate on such boring stuff..but the two sideshows that got me quite enchanted.

The first sideshow is the really pretty yet prim n proper jc teacher that was sitting beside me at my table..she proves my preference for teachers n perhaps also strengthens my preference against accountants and lawyers..teachers just seem more likely to be paragons virtues..of cos I'm generalizing here..but she really caught my attention somewhat..though of cos I didn't ask for her number..becos of my current emotional condition and the fact that I'm still a student.

The second sideshow must be the presence of at least 6 other fellow ps students at the dinner..this is like so amazing becos ps majors' presence in such arenas show the activism of our students in civil service endeavours..I feel so much at ease after seeing them around at the dinner..furthermore..from small talk with civil servants at the dinner..ps majors do seem to leave the impression that we are an opinionated,outspoken lot..lalala..which is really gd..lol

After the dinner..I saw my ex..whose position in my heart needs no elaboration..she's just special..yet I feel no sense of romantic love towards her anymore..she still remains as my biggest regret..just glad that she will be here for me no matter how much I neglect u..just happy to see her tired(from work) and yet chirpy..may we stay in touch forever..n I must remind myself to meet up with her soon n not keep not finding the time to meet her..last met her only in may..sighz..I hope I dun give her the feeling that she's dispensible..she's not..its more of monetary concerns that I dun meet her..becos its really expensive to go out with her..the drinks at those posh places costs a bomb..still a poor student man..give me another 2 yrs..will try to make up for it..

And of cos the chalet on sat,sun..lol..yay..in between these events in the week..lots of mugging n rushing for papers too..arraggz...my deadlines are all crashing in on me..need to start mugging really soon..monday!~ free day..will mug for the whole day..

*happy,happy,happy, let's hope this happy feeling lasts and not let the feeling of misery sinks in after the high feeling wears off n the hangover sinks in..I did think of her at the chalet..sighz..but of cos..kept myself bz most of the time to not think abt. her...

what's wrong with me?

Have been smoking a lot more these days..
Just puked,just had too much to drink at a pub,just flared up at my buddy and make him damn pissed..just received a one liner e-mail from her...god..can my life get even more sucky...so..what's wrong with me..?

Is it really that hard to get over a gal..I wonder..if it is not..why am i suffering so much...i am crazy..crazy..crazy...i hate myself..the present me is detestable..getting down every nite is not me..not me at all..flaring up when a fuse is lit is me...but normally..i am able to keep that fuse tightly secured n hidden..yet..i seem to be much more easily irritated these days...its been tough...its been really sucky...i hate myself...

My obsession with a first class honours is taking an unexpected toll on me..I have been mugging..especially hard since that total break..exhausting my mind..thinking that will get me over her n also aid my road in my quest for my first class honours..yet..I am not confident at all..i feel i have wasted too much time..i feel that 4.7 or 2 A, 3A- per sem for the remainder of my nus life is just an impossible target..why can't i be fucking satisfied with a 2nd upper...why am i looking in the mirror n seeing a loser..i am a loser aint i..i want so badly for my first class..something i have aimed for even b4 i go nus...

When i wake up, I will have a bad hangover..
When i wake up, i will want my heart to be dead for her..
When i wake up, i will be fine..
When i wake up, i will put my mind,heart,soul into studying..
When i wake up, i will be happy again..
So when are u waking up, yanwei?

Recognition for my rabbit..lol

My overdue recognition for my rabbit, your owner(me) so nice hor, will remember to feed you with more carrots..lol

stupid actions..

Sighz..I had to ask her best friend, my good friend how has she been these days...her best friend said..bz with schwork lor, stressed over sch work and other than that..no other information from her le as we switched topics..how I wish I could know more. I know she's easily stressed and also like to think too much..how I wish I could just be there for her and relieve her of her stress, offer words of comfort and words of advice and a listening ear as and when she needs it..yet..I'm not there and I can't be there..sighz..why can't I be there..why can't I do that..

2nd stupid thing I did..I went to look at her sms-es on my way home just now..halfway through the reading of the sms-es..I stopped abruptly..becos the feeling of missing her just overwhelmed me..I miss her so much...I wish I could just hear her voice again..I wish I could look at the sms-es that brought me so much sweetness in the past with the same sweetness..sighz..


* All I can do is to pray and hope that she is happy and doing well in life...its been days since we last exchanged sms-es..yet it feels like months...

Proud~

I'm so proud of myself..at 5am..I just completed 12 hours worth of revision for the 30percent ICA test at 12 noon,though I have to wake up at 8.30 for my 11am tutorial(n skipping the ipsea lecture at 8am..darn,its for the better good,i need my sleep to tackle the test), I feel that finally my old self is coming back..this revision is not that last minute somemore, I don't feel that unprepared as compared to previous essays/tests this sem with her in my life...I'm so relieved that I can actually sit myself down in my room n do what I do best..mug with vigour,mug with pride,mug with purpose, I so want to be a chao mugger again..yay..no matter how the test turn out..at least I can be accountable to myself n tell myself, yanwei, u tried your best, u will do fine..you might even score(fingers crossed,not that confident though.)

I know deep down, I still miss her,maybe the feeling will come back tmr after the test or during the weekend..but I'm so glad that my quest for my first class honours,no matter how hard it seems n whether I can get it in the end, and my desire to excel in my academic endeavour kept me going again...so glad..

My first regret regarding her..

Yes, I still care..a lot for her..and I totally regret the slightly harsh tone of my sms last nite, I knew it was going to hurt her, n I hate myself for hurting her...I totally hate myself for causing hurt to someone I like so much..I hate it when I could have dealt with the situation better..perhaps..this teaches me a lesson to not do anything on impulse again..yet..only on impulse could I make a decision to make a total break from her..its so ironic that I reneged on my decision and sms her just 24 hours later, it was really affecting me so much..so I had to sms her just now at 5am apologizing for the harsh tone and conveying the same meaning of a total break..but the tone, the words more accurately reflects my feelings towards her..

Sighz..I want so much to just keep continuing caring for her...I want it so badly..yet I can't..its for my own good that I don't care for her anymore, its a tough decision to abide to, but I must try my best, because I don't want to be hurt anymore..a life buoy once dispensible is really sad..rather than wait for my own value to be lost completely n discarded away..its better to leave with some dignity and recover...I need to be selfish..I know I can be selfish..humans are born selfish anyway...I am going to vanish from her life..and its long overdue...yup..

From the bottom of my heart, I wish her happiness and hope that she will not encounter/endure/suffer any heartbreaks or problems in life..a nice gal like her deserve the best things in life...

the last time

Ok..so my heart has officially died towards her..her letter made it so clear..since there's no hope,why bother clinging on it? I should have woken up long time ago..sure..I cried again..big crybaby..but yah..its time to wake up,its time to wake up..time to face reality again..no point..keep wallowing in self pity isn't it..why care so much for a person who hurt u time n time again..she have her boyfriend to turn to, she have her gd friends to turn to..I'm no substitute and I had enough of taking on the role of a life buoy,an alternative person to turn to..I HAD ENOUGH! that's it!~ I don't want to care anymore. Its been one month since I heard her voice, I know I miss her a hell lot, I still like her a lot, but yah...so what? Its not going to change anything..clinging on will only bring me so much more pain..time to move on man..time to wake up,smell the roses n fuck the whole world. I want my first class honours, I want to be happy again, I want to not wallow in self pity again..that just sucks..that's just not me...

Ok, that's it!~ I think reality will sink in and I might suffer from a hell lot of withdrawal syndrome with a real total clean break from her when I wake up the next day...so be it then..what's need to be done, need to be done..I need to be selfish...I must tell myself I don't want to care anymore, I don't need to care anymore, she's dispensible, she's forgettable..

Sighz...Reality checks never fail to hurt,ranting never fails to heal.

* On a rational note, she's a really nice gal and I don't regret anything I did regarding her..its time to wake up and embrace the new world though. The accumulated hurt has been too much..it finally overrides all joys.