A daily routine

Missing her has become a daily routine for me..I just can't seem to be able to not miss her for even one single day...more often than not, I miss her most at very late hours..for instance, now at 5.10am..while blogging this entry..knowing that I have to wake up at 10am to go to dean's office to collect something and one whole day of studying in sch..sighz..

During the KRMF 2006 appreciation dinner today, Hong's mum asked everyone what type of gal that we are looking for..in my heart, I wanted to say her..yet..I know I can't..anyway..its pretty interesting to talk abt. idealised criteria of the gf/spouse one wants. For me, I mentioned that I will never fall for a lawyer or an accountant..this insistence that these kind of occupations may make a woman undesirable to me should stand the test of time..becos they often have really bz careers and while a lawyer can be too outspoken and articulate, an accountant can be too calculative and meticulous.

A clean break? I was certainly not wishing for one..hoping that she will still be in my life..and somehow she is still in my life..guess she didn't have the heart to just cut me off totally from her life..she sms-ed me a lame forwarded sms,prompting me to send her back an equally lame one,then one personalised sms..n one more back from me..n end of interaction... A simple short exchange of 2 sms-es actually gave me a short term release from my own missing her..yet my rational self knows this is not good for my long term recovery..judging by my daily routine of missing her...what recovery am I talking abt.?

I really want to recover..I really want to be geniunely happy again..yet I can't help myself from missing her more and more..

Sometimes, I wish I never knew her....
Sometimes, I wish I can don't wake up

6am

Sleepless at 6am..sighz...I should be damn tired after a long day..yet I can't sleep...at the break of dawn..the feeling of missing her increased..noone to chat to, mind too exhausted to be occupied, all i can do now is to surf around aimlessly,writing this blog entry and trying to tire myself..the 2 cans of heinenken that I had tonite didn't prove to be much of a comfort, when I got the really happy surprise from the Dean's Office that I got selected for the Mentorship program because an alumnus from the civil service decided to participate in this program and I am selected to be the mentee, the first person I want to break the news to was her. I wanted to share my joys with her and I did, I sms-ed her, apologizing for the one-off decision to break the enforced decision to not care for each other anymore, I wanted her to share my happiness..sighz..after her congratulations and another take care sms...I am back to face this reality of life without her...its sinking in...

The bottom line is I miss her.......a lot....

closure...

Her,
hi, Yanwei. I'm sorry to have to say this to u, but think we shouldn't care for each other anymore. It kinda affects me. yeah, hope u'd understand. take care.

A sms, an enforced outcome, a decision taken and an end. Sighz..now I can't even care for her as a friend, that really hurt....my heart is actually having this piercing pain that I have never experienced in my life...it pains me so much to not be able to care anymore, to control myself from sms-ing her again, to stop myself from caring, to stop myself from wanting to care..can I really not care anymore? I don't even have that option avaliable to contemplate the possibility of failing to achieve that.

I guess we can't even be friends anymore, I guess I will never hear from her again. She changed her blog address 3 weeks back when it was over, now I have changed my blog address becos we can't even be friends anymore.

I always knew that the person who can cause you the most hurt, conversely can bring you the most joys too. Guess, this is the last time that she will cause any more hurt in my life. Guess, this is the last phase of the recovery process that I have to go through. A phase that I didnt expect to go through..the reality of not even having her as a friend and not been able to care anymore.

Sighz..why must it hurt so much? I am still unable to delete her sms-es and her photos from my phone..maybe I can do it months from now when I have finally recovered...yet I hope I can don't do that because those were the only things that can still remind me about her and memories are things that others can't take away.

Long day..

What a long day I had...woke up at 10am to mug for American history test, then meals,travel time to school n finally the fateful test at 6pm...an easy paper..open book somemore..yet..I failed to take advantage of it and had to crap the paper because I couldn't finish revision..sighz..2nd assesment of the sem and feeling dissatisfied again..sighz...fingers crossed..it dun turn out too badly...I have a International Politics of Southeast Asia test on friday worth a pathetic 5 percent..and a Intro. to World History midterm essay due this friday that the profs just assigned today during lecture...is NUS going to kill me or what? Damn...I'm trying my best to catch up already lah...give me a break can..nvm...I will give myself a break..bleahz..as you will see in the next paragraph..lol

Had dinner at Pepper Lunch Orchard, caught a glimpse of the fireworks at Esplanade, had a couple of pints of Heinenken at Harrys Boat Quay, played pool at Parkway Parade,shopped at Mustafa, went Changi Airport with friends to pick up another air stewardess friend off work n supper at Siglap HK cafe...and finally reached home at 6am and blogging this entry 30 mins later...what a long long day...

All this on a tuesday nite..whoa..thank god I only have lessons at 4pm later...Okie..I had my very long break...now time to get down to real work with the two assignments due on friday and see whether I can squeeze in time for readings for the 3 tutorials on thursday....shucks...I realised..I am so so so busy can....damn...and I need to enjoy my social life..looking forward to drinking at fort canning live music bar on saturday...another well-deserved break...and more alcohol...lol...

* Focus, urgency, expectations, demands and concentration- Where did all of you go? To go M.I.A. without permission is strictly prohibited..so please come back before you face further disciplinary actions...lol..sighz..

Once upon a time..

Once upon a time, basketball was not only a passion but an integral part of my life, now it reminds me of my operation scars and plays a peripheral part.

Once upon a time, I believe in the essentially good nature of humans and kindness will be repaid in kind, now this has proven to be a myth and one needs to learn how to protect himself in the vast jungle out there where only the fittest survives.

Once upon a time, I was untainted, innocent, anti-vices and perceived the world in black and white terms, now I question the concept of truth and norms, pondering over the greyness of issues and burning my life away with cigarettes.

Once upon a time, I was close to my best friend, seeing each other a few times every week, sharing every secret and exploring life as a teenager together, now we are drifting apart due to extraneous factors and different life experiences.

Once upon a time, I loved a gal and thought she was the gal who I want and need for the rest of my life, now she's happily married and we maintains a hi-bye friendship.

I have grown up...and how things have changed, William Blake was right, childlike innocence once lost can never be recovered..

Comforted...

LArLiN says:
really hope to get the old yanwei back soon.

Nine simple words...it lifted me instantly...even for a moment..

My old self according to dearest Lailin

LArLiN - ...,, says:
chirpy
LArLiN - ...,, says:
cheerful
LArLiN - ...,, says:
sunny
LArLiN - ...,, says:
always manage to light my days up despite being a super irritating creep.

Haha...her response to my request to describe my old self brought me even more laughter...I miss the days when I can summon enough mood to suan her. She has been playing the role of aunt agony for quite some time...just wanna use this chance to thank you, Aunt Lailin. Give me time and you will have your old yanwei back. Cheers to more suaning. lol

Issues

This must be one of the most trying periods in my life, everything just seem to be happening and I am so tired....I wish I could just run away from all this and not face all these issues...

Best Friend

My best friend's work permit got rejected and have to fly back to Malaysia. I won't be able to see him much around anymore and seeing him so confused about his own future and me unable to do anything to help him just sucks. I will not forget you, Andrew and I pray that you don't forget me too. My best friend for 10 years, take care.

Relationships

My buddy just broke up with a gal he love deeply but the problems just seem to be so insurmountable.
My good friend is still suffering from a rejection from a gal he likes.
Two more close friends are not recovering from their hearbreaks despite the fact that months have passed, apparently time can't heal all wounds(or even a few wounds).

Etc, etc, etc, sighz...everyone around me seems to be going through shit...damn it....

Academic stuff

I hate to be a mute during tutorials, I want to regain my confident self during tutorials again. I need to catch up on all the readings that I have neglected before I can speak up more again. Arraggz...all the assignment datelines are closing in. Yanwei, if you don't buck up, you are going to feel worse than hell. Suddenly the possibility of failure haunts..everyone seems to be expecting that I will do well, get good grades and fare well...at this moment I feel that I'm closer to a first class seat to hell then a first class honours...I am so screwed...

Her

I know she still reads my blog, maybe I should change my blog address...how I wish I could still read her blog, how I wish I could still care for her like in the past..but that's such a receipe for disaster. I still miss her yet I need to make the rational choice of not doing anything in order to not be hurt even more. I really don't noe what I want and cant control my actions and thoughts sometimes...but the bottom line is since she's back with her boyfriend, I do need to get over her....

Rant,rant,rant...must be the lack of sleep...going to have as much sleep as I want tonite...tmr will be a better day, I hope..(sometimes, false hope is better than no hope)

Its over

Its over. Its the end. Will we even be friends in the future? Will I see her again? Life always provides me with questions that I can't answer. Yet, the pain is setting in and I need to break the routine of waking up to her sms-es, looking forward to hearing her voice on the phone, looking at her photos while missing her, yearning for the unfulfilled dream of listening to her playing the song Right Here Waiting for me. All these have to be consigned to history and memories and my feelings for her to the bin. If only it doesn't hurt so much...yet it hurt a lot and still hurt.

I have always been one to go to the extremes and turning to nicotine and alcohol for theraupatic purposes seems to be harmful or foolish to say the least. But, I always knew I needed to turn to the extreme at the very start to kickstart my own recovery process. I got very drunk at my buddy's house,smoked, cried, wallow, talked nonsense, listened to advices and finally ended up with a massive hangover that is still present while typing this blog entry. Yet at the end of the day, I finally felt much better. The hangover had a desirable impact of overriding any other emotions. The drinking session provided me an avenue for release.

I will be fine, I will recover, I will find my focus back...I can't wallow in sadness for too long.
Thanks to all my friends who showed me lots of care and concern and who will continue showing me even more care and concern. I will be fine. The real battle has only just started....

Contented....

In life, the most difficult thing is to be contented. At least that's where I always have difficulty in. In relation to my pragmatic goals in life, I still need to find the balance, find the ability to be contented with what I achieve. From a below expectation O-level results to a 2nd upper class honours range to a fantastic testimonial for my internship, I always feel that I could have done better. In a perfect world, I will have entered Temasek JC, in the first class range and get the coveted good intern award(3 out of 69 interns got it). However, the world isn't perfect and I ought to pat myself on the back n tell myself, "Yanwei, you have tried your best, well done." Slowly, I have learnt to be contented, though I will still try my best to achieve my goals, I will not be so hard on myself when I don't meet my goals.

"Aim for the moon, drop amongst the stars" A philosophy that I have followed since JC, my close friend told me, " Yanwei, there's no stars for me". I agreed then..deep down, I know I may not be able to achieve my dreams but I know I will still be doing very well in life. I have faith and I need to be contented.

With relations to the matters of the heart though, a totally different person appears. I have learnt not to expect too much. I have always been contented with the little joys that appears in this aspect of my life. The more one expects, the more hurt one will get. In an area that I seem to have less control in, I am thankful for all the joys and I have learnt to be contented, to bask in the happiness when its there, to cope with the pain when it appears. Right now, I'm happy and I hope this happiness will last a slightly longer time before it is overtaken by pain again. I hope...

it hurts so much...

My heart is bleeding and it is a haemorrhage.
My mind is spinning and it is a whirlwind.
My emotions are running and it is a rollercoaster.
My bio clock is warping and it is a norm.
My priorities are shifting and it is a disaster.

I always knew it was going to be tough.
I always knew I am going to get hurt.
I always knew I am not a player.
I always knew I am a hopeless idealist.

Yet, amidst all the confusions, all the uncertainties, I never expected myself to feel so hurt so soon. Ignorance is bliss. Why did I want the truth so badly? Because, I never expected the stuff she said? I never expected myself to be such a bad judge of character? I never expected myself to be so hurt so soon? My idealised image of her just got brutally erased with every words that I read from her diary. Instantly, all the joy, all the happiness, all the sweetness, all the anticipation went blazing in flames. In its place, confusion sinks in, sorrow rushes in, pain overrides every other emotion felt. I requested to smoke even when I promised her I won't smoke with her. The first broken promise that parellels my broken heart.

What am I going to do?
Take a break from her and leave her to sink even more in her own problems and risk her getting even more hurt?
Continue allowing my heart to bleed until it is not broken but dead and allowing myself to like her more n more?

I want her to be happy. I want her to recover. I do not need to have her as my girlfriend. I do need her to pull herself up again though. Yet, while helping her out of her emotional turmoil, I'm afraid I myself will actually be going through a larger emotional turmoil. How I wish I could be a bit more selfish, a bit less idealistic and a lot stronger.

Another rollercoaster day

A routine rollercoaster day

I exchanged sms-es with her in the afternoon, I was elated, things seemed to be going well again.

I exchanged sms-es with her in the evening, reality came back to haunt, I got very down and felt helpless.

I exchanged sms-es with her at night, all seemed to be well again, I was feeling normal.


Everyday, I look forward to her sms-ing me so I can know how she's feeling and yet..on the back of my mind, I have this nagging thought, a most rational judgement, that I'm just someone who she knows that will be there for her, who will offer her words of comfort, who will show her lots of care and concern but not someone she likes/loves.

I don't mind the fact that I am that someone because I like her. I want her to be happy. I want to see her smile always. I want to share her problems and her sorrows. But this is a dangerous route that I am trekking on. I feel helpless when I can't cheer her up. My heart really hurts when she tells me she's down becos she misses someone.( happens again and again)

I hope she will be happy tmr. May God bless her and may she get well soon!~



* Be strong, becos she needs you even if she dun like you.

Its my choice.

Its my choice.

Its my choice to carry on caring for her, going out with her and be there for her when she need me.
Its my choice to be receptive to her sms-es, to want to meet her and to want to see her.
Its my choice to want to know her better, to risk liking her even more and to be a lot more hurt in future.

Its my fault

Its my fault that I chose to listen to my heart instead of listening to my head in this seemingly impossible dream.
Its my fault for choosing to go through this emotional rollercoaster when I have a choice to pull out of it right from the start.
Its my fault to make my friends share my sorrows and worry about me when I get all down and sad.

Around ten years ago, I made a choice(wholly different one) and I hurt the one I love. It was totally my fault back then. It remains my biggest regret to date. Perhaps, things have come a full circle. Now, I will be hurt by someone I like and may eventually come to love(fingers crossed, it don't happen) and this hurt will be as deep if not deeper than the hurt I have caused to that angel in the past.

Its my choice, its my fault. Its my time to be hurt.

I'm down.

Why am I so vulnerable? Am I hurt that easily? Am I just a crazy idealist not capable of coping emotionally with rejection? Am I still a child when it comes to this aspect of my life? Have I not grown up? What is exactly wrong with me? I don't know...all I know is I'm hurt and I can't blame anyone except myself. Who says history doesn't repeat itself? Nice guys do finish last..I need to seriously ponder over what's wrong with me..For instance, why am I whining on a public mechanism such as a blog? Especially when none of my friends remember this blog or even know of it in the first place...I guess I do need a venue to just let my emotions go...Guys don't cry? Of cos, when we grow up, we can't cry..not in public at least, why? becos that's just not socially accepted..so..holed up in my room, in the privacy of my room..I cried..
Crying does make a person feel better. Crying releases the pent up emotions, the sudden surge of disappointment, the pain of the bursting of a bubble. Crying is a tool that I have not exploited for a long time. Yet, in this instance, I broke.
I'm just a loser.
I'm just a wimp.
I'm just a child.
I'm just a nobody.
If there was a saying that I grew to love recently, it is definitely Machiavelli's-

" I laugh, and my laughter is not within me;
I burn, and the burning is not seen outside."

I hope I can create this facade well, I hope I can at least pretend to be happy again. I hope that when I wake up, I can look at all this and say-'hey, move on dude, it aint that painful'. I hope...

June 1-long day.

Today is really a long day for me..woke up at 5.50am today to go to my unit's anniversary at pasir ris park..after a 3.5km run...there were stupid games which i didn't have to participate in..practically doing nothing there for abt. 4hours until 12.30noon,then they let us go..sighz..just another example of how life as a national slave is so boring.
Well..at least after that,me n my friend had lunch at Swensens n watch Shriek 2,i seldom watch cartoons nowadays but i have to admit,Shriek 2 was gd to say the least,it was funny n really reminded me of my childhood n as all fairytales go,it ended with a happy-ever-after ending which lifted my spirit,its gd to watch this movie once in a while..the feeling that i get is so diff. from watching The Day After Tmr which really gave us a stern warning abt. what could happen if we continue to misuse n oversuse our natural resources,only the part where americans have to seek refuge from mexico gave me some comic relief due to the political undertone n satire involved,ha ha...i'm sure glad i watch both movies.
Well..I'm booking into camp tmr morning at 8am to do my duty as Duty Nco,sighz...even have to work on a public holiday...how sad..although its a simple task as noone's around,but there's still a bit of paperwork n phonecalls to listen to..i sure hope i could stay awake throughout the nite today as at 2.55am got the England vs Japan soccer match...hopefully i could endure despite only sleeping abt. 3 hours yesterday nite.
Hmm...guess that's all i wanted to say tonite bah..hopefully,i will have a sweet dream if i do sleep tonite,it will be sweet as long as i dream of charlene choi or ryoko hirosue.ha ha.:)kk,nite to everyone!

May 31 2004-empty,empty,empty.

My first entry in an online blog...ha ha...never thought i will write one,well..didn't even have the habit of keeping a diary like this..well..people change.
Life is so empty for me at this phase of my life.its just so empty.i should be happy now that i am finishing my term as a national slave fulltime(NSF),but this phase of my life is really just abt. waiting...waiting for my clearance,waiting for my class 3 license,waiting for my pink ic,waiting for school term to start,waiting for the results of my teaching award,wait,wait,wait,wait,it just kinda drives me crazy with all this uncertainties hanging around in my life.
21,I'm finally 21...an age when i'm considered an adult,I got voting rights!!i could watch RA movies...legally...ha ha...but this age also makes me feel OLD....there's so many things to think abt. at 21...when will i be able to have a car?will i ever find true love?does jesus really exist?will i ever be able to be a foreign diplomat?am i really cut out to rise above all n excel..instead of been condemned to mediocrity..
well...there's so much that i want to say over so little....i'm in such a pessismist mood now that if i do continue writing this blog,i will sure hope that i could meet both hitler n satan n ask them whether they need a new assistant..or something..btw,i'm quite an admirer of Adolf Hitler-despite his human flaw,evil heart,racist mind,he's really a powerful man who capture all german's hearts with his thoughts,ideas n speeches,he's really a man we should admire in a sadistic carnal world of where only the fittest can survive...to be compassionate to others is to be cruel to yourselves..the rich just get richer,the poor just get poorer.....life is indeed cruel.i shall end now,hopefully,i won't feel that empty tmr...